Every day is a concussion,
                where I feel that
my thoughts are suffering
                    from blunt force trauma.


Slumped within the confines
                                     of self..
Blood vessels burst in a rainbow
              of fluctuation and I think
                                 was it all worth it.


Should I have let that last thought
                                                haemorrha­ge.

Instead of getting up again and again...

Realising that after the first reaction I should
have stayed down ,Succumbing to the
                                                            even­tuality.  

That I could be what I wanted, what I thought
                 I could become. I was like a flower,

Dying before it blossomed..
                          And all that was left
                              was dead memories
crushed before they could even show
                                            there beauty.

                Now just wilted dreams becoming nightmares.

When I tell someone to
leave when I am the one who is hurt
and they leave without a fight

Deep inside
I am hurting a whole lot
Not showing the outside world
that my head
is spinning with a bunch of thoughts all at once
not being able to concentrate on the one thing I am afraid of

Distracted and making myself fear more than several things
at a time
dozens of scenarios pass through my head
with several ways to go through the scenarios
I always seem to get hurt or it concluding with me or someone else dying

Taking deep breaths focusing back to the world I am left to face my real-world problems

Don’t leave this darkened hall for I'll always look right beyond
Whether it be shattered on some silent evening
Snuffed out by the light of the new days dawn

And while I wait by the letter for the word that never came
So much to my own amusement is this joy my only pain

For my efforts in futility seem to be
Yet they never were
Why hold out for change
When your destined to be cursed

A mock of my own contempt
Yet she always is in vain
This love of mine is that in this alone
Has left nothing but a darkened stain

And as this light becomes my host I am yet to be proud
For every day she draws near I am forever to be enshroud
This noise I come to hear as years of misery drag on
For that which I cannot have has become my only friend

I hate the sun today because I feel like she betrays me,
Clearing the snow, making the birds sing, shining brightly into my bedroom
While my body is raining tears like a waterfall and my chest feels heavy and grey
How can such a bad day be so beautiful?
I am angry at the weather because it’s been raining for weeks
And now that you’re gone the air is dry and humid again
I cannot grasp the irony of this.
All I wanted for you was just another beautiful day to live
No more dark clouds and ***** snow
Just one more ray of sunshine touching your face through the window
Just one more morning coffee on the balcony, mild spring temperatures and crocuses.
One more of our Sunday strolls without an umbrella
One more night with our summer bed sheets.
I want to close the windows and bury myself under pillows
I want the birds to shut up
I want the weather to act appropriately
I want you to be here again, because it’s such a beautiful day and I can’t take it alone.

I have seen you in my dreams and in my memories; the memories, beautiful memories, that kept my heart heavy.

   But now, it haunts me, knowing that you are reliving those memories again,...but not with me. It hurts deeply like a knife that has sliced through a wounded heart.

I now walk on this pavement. The last place I felt alive...and the same place I died inside.

You, walking with someone else, reliving the memory; while I looked at you from a distance. These memories reminded me of how it all used to be;

But people change right?

Dear, you were my everything I could ever imagine but you took it away and gave the spot to someone new.

                 I guess I'll see you tomorrow,....in my dreams.