they say the oceans blue but its black right now
in the dark, on the sand, looking out at the clouds

depression and drowning screaming out their full parts
lightning reveals where the ocean stops and the sky starts

and a random strike of light reminds me of what is true
but right now the oceans black and the sky is too

Long liquid breaths fill my lungs
An ache, born in my skull, spreads through my limp body
A rush of salt, and spasms.

This is what I want... what I’ve been waiting for

Fantasies of my swollen body, split in the sun
Pecked by seagulls, picked by *****

All of them I envy
They are real
I am not real. I never have been.

I am now floating in the water

I feel the water flow

It is pushing me towards her

I see her eyes glow


It's dark and i see nothing

only her pearly eyes

In my body, I feel the cold rushing

But then she comes closer to I

I get the warmth from her touching

She is keeping me alive

She warms my heart with her loving

and I am wondering why



There are so many fish in the sea

But I am the one

That she sees

All I feel is she

And the moment

I will seize



I am leaning in with my heart

She's pulling it close

She's healing my scars

And lighting up my shadows

Her eyes like stars

Her lips like a rose

Where did it start?

And where does it go?

The stream is now pulling us apart

So now i am all alone

She's with the stream going far

It was at this moment i froze



I thought she would come back

It's been days and I am still counting

The water turned black

And I realized that I was drowning

Drowning in an ocean
Of emotion
Torturing me
Unable to break free...

- Jay M
April 5th, 2019

When I was a kid
my father taught me
how to swim
So I could not drown
When the waves pull me
with them
And so I learned,
Now whenever people
Try to pull me down,
I do not sink

Do not tell me that i won’t always be alone. Stop telling me that, it's not true. Please stop giving me that idea, when i always end up by myself. And you’re surrounded by people who love you while i’m surrounded by people who use me- who i let use me because it makes me feel wanted, if even just for a second. Because i’m so alone otherwise that i feel ******* empty. Don't tell me, “Someone will stay.. eventually”, when you left me and let me drown after convincing me to take the leap of faith off my cliff into your vast dark waters. And even when i am so sure that i can swim, i am pulled back into your undertow, suffocating on the words that i wish i could scream in your face and choking on the love that continues to fill my chest, regardless of all the ******* that you put me through. Keep your rotted apologies that beat against me in meaningless waves, those comforting words that keep me afloat until your hands can latch on like a shark, and those ******* looks of pity as if i'm the mer-thing that was never supposed to get caught in your net of lies. But at least there is one lie that i will never believe: That there are plenty of fish in the sea and that i will find the one for me.

                       -**** the fish, you are my whole    
                                                       ­  ******* ocean
                        and i'm just trying to tread water