feels so deeply rooted within me
that I wonder
would I even feel like myself without it?
My anxiety is winning every battle I fight
Why am I still holding on to you
While you’re holding on to someone else
For the first time
In a long time
I chose me
I made my happiness
My highest priority
And I am so proud of that decision
A dictionary will tell you
is the submersion in and inhalation of water.
But I know the truth.
I am drowning in sadness
I'm drowning in my thoughts.
I'm drowning in desires
I'm drowning in fallen dreams, regrets, mistakes.
and not a drop of water in sight.
He asks me why I’m sad,
I wish I had an answer.
He thinks I’m hiding something from him,
I’m just dealing with something I don’t fully comprehend.
I wish that he could understand and see the pain I feel without having all the details.
I wish that he would support me no matter how much I tell him because that it what I need from him.
And I’m not ready to give him more.
Through blurry tear-filled eyes
I watched hungry flames
devour your home
consuming what you once knew
growing larger and greedier with every gasping breath you took
I watched furious fumes fill the night sky
and angry black smoke pour out your now shattered windows
I watched red and blue lights surround the scene
men in suits disappearing into the smoke
I watched in slow motion
as they carried your blackened body out
You remained limp and lifeless
under their desperate attempts to jumpstart your heart
Were you gone at that point?
Were you fighting inside?
I lost my breath watching them force air into your lungs
hoping maybe you’d take mine
hoping maybe you’d be fine
My hands shook, my heart raced
waiting for you to open your eyes
but they scurried you away to your last speedy ride
Standing in silence
listening to sirens fade away
I prayed to the Lord to keep you alive,
I prayed for your family, your friends, and your bride,
I prayed you’d find heaven
I prayed as I cried
knowing already that I’d watched you die