For the first time
In a long time
I chose me
I made my happiness
My highest priority
And I am so proud of that decision
A dictionary will tell you
is the submersion in and inhalation of water.
But I know the truth.
I am drowning in sadness
I'm drowning in my thoughts.
I'm drowning in desires
I'm drowning in fallen dreams, regrets, mistakes.
and not a drop of water in sight.
He asks me why I’m sad,
I wish I had an answer.
He thinks I’m hiding something from him,
I’m just dealing with something I don’t fully comprehend.
I wish that he could understand and see the pain I feel without having all the details.
I wish that he would support me no matter how much I tell him because that it what I need from him.
And I’m not ready to give him more.
Through blurry tear-filled eyes
I watched hungry flames
devour your home
consuming what you once knew
growing larger and greedier with every gasping breath you took
I watched furious fumes fill the night sky
and angry black smoke pour out your now shattered windows
I watched red and blue lights surround the scene
men in suits disappearing into the smoke
I watched in slow motion
as they carried your blackened body out
You remained limp and lifeless
under their desperate attempts to jumpstart your heart
Were you gone at that point?
Were you fighting inside?
I lost my breath watching them force air into your lungs
hoping maybe you’d take mine
hoping maybe you’d be fine
My hands shook, my heart raced
waiting for you to open your eyes
but they scurried you away to your last speedy ride
Standing in silence
listening to sirens fade away
I prayed to the Lord to keep you alive,
I prayed for your family, your friends, and your bride,
I prayed you’d find heaven
I prayed as I cried
knowing already that I’d watched you die
I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.
6 months self harm free! Writing about it helps fight the urge
How could I ever share with you
the dark thoughts inside my head
When just the thought of me in pain
would wake you in the night
My demons are mine alone to bare
I refuse to give them the satisfaction
of worrying the ones I love
You say you are listening...
but do you hear the pain in my voice?
You say you hear me...
but are you listening to my cries for help?
You say you can help me...
but where are you when I need you most?
You say I can trust you...
but are my demons safe with you?
You say you see me...
but do you see my scars?
You say you love me...
but do you mean goodbye?