I sit up tonight and ponder creation,
its limitless possibilities rendering me
incapable of the act.
Like being *****,
think too much and it's gone.

At least this chilled whiskey
might warm me,
give muddled clarity
that will dissipate
before I awake the next day.

I feel that tug,
that green grin trying to charm,
and oh, it's workin'.
The seduction can't be denied,
it's implied over, over
till it's almost too much.

Suddenly I think of population's
scary multiplication,
forever piling more humans,
more, more, more, more, more
to a gasping planet.

The ice melts in my glass,
condensation gathering to the ridged sides,
even this small pour brings a grimace.
I'm scared of a clear mind,
what it will show me.
The desperate cry from capitalism's throat?
My plight, my strife, my struggle,
to obtain balance at a nation's fall.
The sheer worthlessness encompassing
anything it once stood for.

I teeter here, sips become more water,
precious water,
already commodified

Dark and cozy,
playlist of metal and punk,
generous doubles -
above the 4 ounce standard;
I like this place.

The bartender’s drinking too;
looks like *** - dark and sweet -
neat.. my man!

no one bothers me,
I bother no one;

only sit and sip my drink,

peace.. solace.. tranquil..

listening to the montage
of ***** ***** jokes
from the men center bar.

They laugh - not loudly,
they are quite old.. mousey..
squeaky voiced..

I chuckle as Skid Row skids
just outside the door -
it doesn’t come in
until after dark.

This city hasn’t much to
offer a redneck like me,
but I like this place.

I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Giddy
Relaxed
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for

My heart is shattered.
Everything inside of me is violently churning and I, I am not ok.
I want to die, but I've had to many bouts of suicide that I'm afraid of the fear and how cold and lonely it is when you try.
I wish I succeeded, but it didn't.
And now I wish someone would just shoot me or wreck me in my car, but it's hard to ask someone to **** you.
Funny when you don't want to die, the worst happens.
But when you do, no one will put you out of your misery.
I start college again in 2 weeks, I dropped out last fall.
Now I have a packed suitcase and I plan to get a visa and leave the country,
I don't want to come back.
This life here is too painful,
And every sense is magnified. Sound, smell, touch, sight.
The smell of whiskey when I bite an apple.
The sound of highway sirens like when they came for me.
The sting of blood when I prepare dinner with a knife.
The sight of tall buildings where I once sat but couldn’t find the courage to jump down.
Maybe I should leave everything behind and get out of here.
If I want to die so badly, maybe I should live a little first.
Though I don't think someone will **** me no matter where I go.
Because they know life is too precious,
I just wish I felt the same.

****
Everything is spinning a bit
I’m not even kinda sober
Finally got what I wanted
I ******* win!!!
Ahhhahhha I am so ******* drunk
I’ve wanted this for so long
And I have it
And I’m so happy
This is it!!!
This is what I’ve wanted!
Ah yes!
I feel high
But like drunk
I love it

I feel
like I died
a horrible, ****** death
at the hands of some great and terrible beast
with razor claws and gnashing teeth
that escaped its cage and pounced on me,
out of the shadows,
glinting eyes reflecting
fire from the wreckage left
by the mile-long circus train,
now derailed, after running into me

full speed.

Prohibition began one hundred years ago in the USA.
People had their right to drink ***** taken away.
This made people unhappy and they began to whine.
And this caused Al Capone to start peddling moonshine.
Capone was evil and because of him, people were killed.
On December 5 1933, the 18th Amendment was repealed.
People were very happy because prohibition came to an end.
They were as giddy as school girls to have the right to drink again.

One more kiss,
one more drink,
and I can go home
a happy man.
Oh, if only it were
that simple.

Cup filled to the brim
with pungent liquid. Amber,
purple, clear: does it
matter? The clock is
ticking. The cup is not
the vessel which
                                breaks—

Crazy. Crazy, right? Maybe.
Beat the corpses, wait
for a pulse to remind you: Mother,
you’re not going crazy. You’re not.

The child only remembers
the muffled shouts.  
She doesn’t understand,
but knows to
keep silent—
head down, knees up, clutching
the stuffed Piglet. Bedsheet covers,
rising and falling. Breathe in
and out. Doors slamming.
In and out.

Someone must’ve pressed
Repeat. Must’ve thought
those saliva-choked screams
were cathartic. O Mother,
multi-platinum artist, more
than a million plays. Hit repeat.
Hit. Repeat.

Emails in crevices, muses
in hidden texts. Father asks
that you seek for inspiration
elsewhere. Fame asks
to keep that reservoir
of pain. Dig your nails
into skin. It is yours.

The young woman is  reminded
of the muffled shouts.
She does understand,
but knows to
keep silent—
head down, knees up, clutching
her stomach. Bedsheet covers,
rising and falling. Breathe in
and out. Doors slamming.
In and out.

Cup filled to the brim
with pungent liquid. Amber,
purple, clear: does it
matter? The clock is
ticking. The cup is not
the vessel which
                                 breaks—