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My heart is shattered.
Everything inside of me is violently churning and I, I am not ok.
I want to die, but I've had to many bouts of suicide that I'm afraid of the fear and how cold and lonely it is when you try.
I wish I succeeded, but it didn't.
And now I wish someone would just shoot me or wreck me in my car, but it's hard to ask someone to **** you.
Funny when you don't want to die, the worst happens.
But when you do, no one will put you out of your misery.
I start college again in 2 weeks, I dropped out last fall.
Now I have a packed suitcase and I plan to get a visa and leave the country,
I don't want to come back.
This life here is too painful,
And every sense is magnified. Sound, smell, touch, sight.
The smell of whiskey when I bite an apple.
The sound of highway sirens like when they came for me.
The sting of blood when I prepare dinner with a knife.
The sight of tall buildings where I once sat but got pulled down.
Maybe I should leave everything behind and get out of here.
If I want to die so badly, maybe I should live a little first.
Though I don't think someone will **** me no matter where I go.
Because they know life is too precious,
I just wish I felt the same.
Laughter bellowed out from the bottom of my lungs, but I was sober enough to hear the ring of the words “you only drink when you’re sad.”
How heartbreaking to hear that my laugh changes to the rhythm of joy and my sorrow turns to beaming, only after 2 drinks.
I’m not a mad drunk, sad drunk, or loud drunk. I’m happy when I’m drunk.
I sit in the same spot, but the sterile home of my cold emotions matches nothing to the intoxicated state of letting my body breathe in freedom and exhale light.
The world says I should stay sober. But sober me is sad. And sad me drinks.
Where alcohol breaks down others, it builds me up. It morphs me into the person I used to be, the girl who laughed and shined so bright. But my body doesn’t feel that anymore, so at 3 am when the ache for joy comes creeping back, 1 sheep 2 sheep turns to 4 shots 5 shots, and the night comes alive as the light in me is turned on once again.
It was a profound recognition when I met you,
My heart was young
But my soul,
It knew you.

You understood me,
The intensity couldn’t be explained.
The longing,
Immediate trust,
Urge to unite,
Like a magnet,
Your pull was too strong,
And I couldn’t stay away.

Your energetic force
Transported me to a deeper sense of emotion,
Something about me would never be the same.

I didn’t recognize what I saw
But I knew I’d felt this home before.
A person I didn’t know
But a place I could freely fall.
I didn’t belong there on the outside
But within, it was mine—
This sphere that fit like a puzzle piece,
Everywhere else was confusing and out of place.

This little girl didn’t know much about life,
Her mind and brain were still growing.
But you were a calibration point,
A navigational pull
Keeping her straight,
Until the time finally came
When her soul could finally see
Where it always wanted to be.

When I looked at you back then,
I didn’t see your body.
I didn’t see the grip of your hands or the veins in your arms,
Or the way I wanted them to hold me.
I didn’t see the scruff on your chin or your eyes which held stars,
Deep enough to see right through me.

When I looked at you,
I swear I only saw your soul.
I saw your story.
I saw hundreds of moments of laughter and pain behind those light blue eyes.
I saw who you had been and who you were still becoming.

I saw a man that looked so foreign,
But without rational sense,
Felt as familiar as my own bones.

And when this little girl was finally grown,
A trauma that sped up her years,
My body suddenly knew yours,
My heart suddenly felt at ease.

Whether I can explain why or not,
I hope you know what I felt was real.
The way my body took unconscious steps forward,
Shortening the rope,
Bridging the space between us.

Our lives seemed to fold into one another,
It wasn’t love at first sight,
But connection—connection of both body and soul.

I’ll never forget these moments,
When nothing and everything made sense all at once.
I was pulled to you,
In ways I still can’t understand.
We were connected—mind, body, soul—and it was real,
Still is real,
Will always be real,
For me, at least.

And if it’s true that I know you,
That I knew you before,
Maybe this is just another trial run that didn’t work out.
My needy soul wants who it wants,
It wishes it could speed up the rerun instead of waiting in torture.
If only it were that easy,
I’d let you finish this round.
You got a head start this time,
And gained a lot along the way.
So I’ll walk off the sidelines instead of crossing the finish line
And see you in the next race.

How long does it take to get used to *****?
Most people say they never do,
It burns too much.
But the first time it touched this body
It went down like liquid honey
Like it’d been there many times before,
But still not enough to forget the one I loved and lost.

There is no logical explanation for you.
You can’t be reasoned about,
But there is an inexplicable mutual recognition I know exists.
We were a mix of powerful excitement and fear,
Certainty and uncertainty,
Safety and danger.

Your love was free,
But your presence costs time.
It breaks my heart
That I let myself get so attached
Thinking I could ever win first prize
When I never even had a chance.

Now I’m supposed to live without you
Even though sometimes it feels so strong,
I would choose you against the whole world.

Because after all this time,
You became the world to me.
Even if eternity frowns upon it
My heart screams for you
No matter how much my mind tells me
"NO,”
I love you
With such a resounding
"YES"
That it almost seems as though you were the reason I was living to start.

But I can’t make you love me
And that’s a fact.

I set boundaries and built walls
To protect myself from people seeing the shattered parts of my soul.
But then you came,
And those walls fell to dust.
I let you decrypt the deepest parts of me
And fell into hope that you would put my shattered pieces back together.
But what seemed so good left me with no hope,
So hollow that I can no longer look within.

You could wreck every part of me,
But I’d still love you with the kind of love that burns so intense
It feels like fireworks breaking and healing my bones all at once.

You leave me wide awake yet exhilarated,
So lost but exactly where I’m meant to be.
The can’t-sleep-can’t-breathe-can’t-eat type of love.

You were my first true desire
And now I’m constantly stopping from giving myself anything good,
Because it’s not you
It never will be
And nothing can fill the empty void in my heart
Like you once did.

When you kissed me
It was like you kissed the hell out of me,
Literally.
My body was subtly writhing in pain,
Holding onto so many demons and means of death.
I silently wanted you to kiss the hell out of me
In hopes that you might possibly
Save me.

But I fell in love,
Hoping I would rise in love.
I was not saved,
Because it couldn’t stay.
I was broken,
Because it left too fast.
I crashed to the ground
And I swear it crushed all of me.
I was shattered but I didn’t notice I was lacking air
When I was drowning in your eyes.
I couldn’t feel the pain in my bones
When you arms were wrapped around me
Keeping them all in place.
But then it ended,
And I felt it in every part of me.

So I’m looking for closure of any kind
Just to get you off my mind.
Because a head so full of you
And a heart of nothing but you
And a dream that is made of you
Is not worth the time
If I can’t have you.

I’m not saying that I’m constantly thinking of you,
But I can’t deny the fact that
Every time my mind wanders,
It always finds some way back to you.

So I’m taking scissors and trying to cut off the rope
But I can’t keep from butchering myself
When you won’t come off.
Tell me,
Would you please help me cut you off?

But when the rope falls,
Please don’t leave without a hug.
I just want to be close to you.

I’m hoping that if you were only temporary,
Maybe the pain will be too.

People say they know love
But I look around
At everyone everywhere,
And I can’t imagine they’ve felt the life that I did.
The breath in their lungs
The passion that physically kills them,
Slowly,
Painfully,
To feel so connected to someone
That you can’t see life beyond them.

This love can’t be normal
And I don’t believe it is.
But if I was not made for you
Then I don’t want to be made for anyone
Because I never want to experience this again.
Never again.
I can’t believe I’m back here.
I genuinely thought I was done with this.
I remember the first night I sat on the floor with a glistening blade in my hand,
I turned it back and forth,
It looked so new and unused
Just like I once did.
But soon it was covered in blood
And slipped from my hand.
I stared at myself in the mirror with tears rolling down my face,
Trying to convince myself there was another way.
Was there really no other option?
There was… one.
I felt bad for mutilating myself.
But honestly,
I’d do it again.
I wish I could.
I know it sounds silly to an outsider.
It sounds dumb and confusing and insane, actually.
Not one person I’ve told has understood.
People say they get it, but if they wouldn’t do it themselves, they DO NOT GET IT.
These tears come out like acid
But get reabsorbed
And corrode everything inside of me.
This whirlwind of insanity leaves me paralyzed yet running at the speed of light in every direction crashing into everything that has ever hurt me all at once ripping every fragile piece of me to shreds and leaving nothing salvageable to remain.
So,
I cannot escape the burn
Unless I change why I’m crying.
It’s no one’s fault,
It’s just a response.
A different kind of salt water pours out
Crying for my helpless heart
Instead of my hurting heart.
And the stupid thing is,
This isn’t normal at all.
Heartbreak is ******* heartbreak!
It happens to every ******* one of us ******* humans!!!
AHH.
It doesn’t matter if it was a person or a thing or a hope or a dream. It is what it is and the pain is unavoidable!
How do they handle it so well?
Maybe I’m just inadequate in the strength it takes to deal with your own emotions.
Because most people don’t jump to this
Or fantasize about quitting
Just when things don’t go their way.
They **** it up. Move on with life.
Grow. Challenge. Change.
But truth is
I’m so hopeless.
I’m done with school
I’ve given up on the career I thought I wanted
The life I thought I wanted
I don’t want my friends
I don’t want my family
I don’t want my job
I don’t want my city
I don’t want my country
Hell I don’t even want this world sometimes.
I can’t sit here and pretend everything is okay.
Smile to those who helped me before and tell them things are getting better.
I’m not hurting myself anymore, I’m okay.
I moved out, I’m okay.
I can’t even be around the people who are closest to me.
I make excuses as to why I’m busy
“Let’s try next week”
That’ll give me time to come up with another one.
Every day I wake up and focus on what's in front of me
But I’m still living with this internal countdown
This clock that won’t reveal its hour
But reminds me it’s just a matter of time
Till the batteries stop moving the hands.
Please
Stop telling me I’m fine.
Stop telling me it’s time for me to go into the world and shine.
Stop telling me I’m going to do great things.
Stop telling me I’m healing now because I’m free.
Stop.
Stop stop stop stop stop.
I never needed to escape them.
I’ve always needed to escape me.
They didn’t break me,
I’m still trapped in exactly the same cage now that I’m out.
They go without a single thought in my mind
Because they were barely ever in there beforehand.
Sometimes that cloud goes away
But there seems to only be a certain anecdote
To make the sun stay
But it’s just one bottle
And I guzzled it so fast
I didn’t have any time to enjoy it before it passed.

I really think I need some type of fix.
They know the cure to cancer..
But they won’t let the patients have it.
So they drug ‘em up instead,
If thats the case,
Now it’s my turn.
I’ll need something strong
To fix all the **** wrong in my brain
That nothing else will heal
So hopefully I can make it to another country
Instead of the bottom of the Pacific
Cause I’ll tell ya what
I can’t do it here.
There are no amount of beach days or Sundays or fun things to get me through this now.
So what pill should I take?
Mornings with you are so gentle.
Soft sheets
Soft arms
I look over,
That beauty on my pillow
A soft kiss
But nothing soft about this love.
Light streams through the windows
That sweet Tuscany breeze
Ripples the curtains
Kisses our skin
Let’s the ocean say good morning.
No need to roll over and wake you up,
We never went to sleep.
Right around the corner
I’ll make a cup of coffee
Just the way you like it
Come back with a stain on your white t-shirt..
Didn’t need to wear it anyway.
What do you want to do today?
Stay
Let the energy from the night linger a little longer
Play with your hands
Sleep on your chest
Dance in the kitchen
Fried eggs and bacon
Tell you how much I love you
Back to sleep we go.
When we’re out to dinner
It’s someplace new,
We wandered to get there.
Arcing and sparking? Maybe.
I only feel the sparks from your hand in mine.
Big steaks
Bigger smiles
Back home
You hang my leather jacket
I wipe off my red lipstick
Back to square one.
Truth is
I envy the cup of coffee that kisses you every morning
I'm jealous of the steering wheel you wrap your hands around
That seat belt's on your chest holding you down
Am I crazy to wanna be near you like the clothes on your body?
I don’t just want to be close to you
I NEED to be close to you.
I’m depriving my body of everything it needs
Without you I’m starving
Without you I’m dying
I know it’s crazy to think any of this could play out
But I’ve used all my storehouses on you
I don’t have love left for anyone else.
I’m wanna love you like I’m gonna lose you
But I know I’m gonna lose you anyway
It’s just a matter of time
So I’m hopeless now,
I’m hopeless now.
I can’t help but want you the same way the ocean reaches for the shore.
The way the rain begs to fall,
The sun needs to shine,
The words thirst to be read.
I want your lips,
Because they remind me of when I was finally allowed to love you.
I can still feel them, I hope that never fades.
I want your hands,
Because they held mine all the times I couldn’t stop shaking. When I laid on the ground with tears streaming down my face, they took all the fears away.
I want your arms,
Well, I wish I could be completely wrapped up in your arms,
Because they were soft & safe & made me feel like I could breathe for the first time.
I woke up terrified four times that night, each time wanting to scream and cry and throw myself off of anything high.
But I opened my eyes and saw that you were still holding me. The next time, the next time, and the next. You never moved. Each time the fear got stronger, your grip felt tighter.
Closer.
Warmer.
Safer.
Sometimes I’m so cold in my own loneliness,
But I wouldn’t mind being cold together.
I couldn’t imagine being warm any way else.
I surround myself with people and distract myself in any way I can, but I’m still just as lonely until I see you.
I never stop thinking of you.
When I’m working,
When I’m grocery shopping,
When I’m cleaning,
When I’m driving,
I just want to be next to you.
I want you to infinity, to the millionth degree.
I would give you every. part. of. me.
I love you, but more than just getting to kiss you.
I love the way you live your life.
I love when you have to pop your hip in, even though I know it’s uncomfortable.
It’s funny. Because it’s a part of you.
And I love every part of you.
I love when you’re unbelievably high maintenance,
When you drive around with no plan in mind,
When you go off on crazy rants and tangents,
When you repeat your famous quotes for the millionth time,
When you make me try crazy things,
When you’d laugh because I ate the steak faster than you.
I love when we talk, but I don’t mind when the long drives are silent, either.
I just like to know that I’m with you wherever you’re going.
I’m always up for errands, too. Anything to stretch out the time just a little bit longer.
I love watching you drink nasty egg whites, ruining your coffee, because I know it’s making you healthy and better. It makes me calm knowing you are okay.
I love when you whistle to your favorite songs,
When you stand next to the water and let the salty air fill your lungs, and the setting sun cure your eyes and sway you to sleep.
I love your fluffy hair and tired eyes when you wake up.
The morning I first saw that on the day we all went to the beach, I thought:
“Oh my God, that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
I ran off on the shore and cried so hard that day, just hoping I’d feel arms wrap around me and know it was you.
When you walk in, my heart beats differently.
Everyday I drown in your ocean
Sinking as deep as I can,
Filling every inch of my lungs
With every drop of you.
How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear all the things that go on in your head.
I would give up my whole life for you,
Go live on a ranch in Ireland in a cozy hut eating so much butter and living the simplest life.
Wake up slow.
Spend days long.
Spend nights longer.
Let the cold weather keep us inside all day,
Let the warm weather travel us all over the place.
In company together, in isolation together.
The thing is though, I wouldn’t really be giving up my life for that. You’d be giving up yours.
I’ve never seen you cry, but I hope you never do because of me.
I will never be angry at you, just as I will never call you the source of any pain.
Don’t you know?
You are the only reason I stayed.
Every single time I wanted to **** myself, you were the first person I thought of. By just the mere thought of you, you stopped me.
I want you but I can’t have you.
And in ways, that makes it seem impossible to live life. In other ways, it makes me want to flee the country and start everything over and leave everyone behind, but I know I’d wish I could just be close to you even if it meant I never get to give you my love again.
****, here come the tears.
I finally get why they say “if you love someone, let them go.”
Because if you really love them, you’ll want what’s best for them. For their family and their job and their life.
Your happiness means everything to me.
I will listen for your voice in the distance,
Keep you in my pocket,
Carry your smile with me everywhere.
I smell early morning you
Every time I drink tea.
I take a pause before I sip,
Thinking of sleepy cuddles.
You fill my lungs and I gulp it down.
I smell late evening you
On the cloth of my backpack.
I take a pause before I throw you over my shoulder,
Everything you are I breathe you in,
And carry you everywhere.
I update my playlist at night
With songs that remind me of you,
Tunes that sway me to sleep
Because you can’t be here to.
Your arms are missing,
So I grab more sheets, now I'm held tight.
The fan blows to replace your steady breathing,
The soft exhales on my neck.
I have my pillow a little higher
To fit your arm underneath,
I've got your body,
Now all I need is a sound.
Something to be the heart that isn't here.
I can almost feel you,
But not enough.
So I update my playlist,
It's the only way I'll sleep.
Wow, they really do write novels about this.
I just love you, okay?
And I know I’m not supposed to.
So I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t fall in love with me.
I will protect you and everything you’ve built until the day I die.
But I will always dream of you and wish you were mine.
Ok that rhymed. That signals the end of this novel.
I love you.
:(
I used to love poetry
Because I thought I was in love
I spoke so eloquently
But then you tore up my heart
I never want to write again
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