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haley Mar 2018
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
They told her
As she dug her fingernails deep into her skin
Like her flesh was made out of playdoh
In the uncautious hands of a toddler.
Her life balances dangerously on her tongue,
steadied only by a love she will not swallow
For she has been told
“Too much sugar will rot your teeth.”
ngl this ****** i'm sorry but it's 11:00 and i want to go to bed
Anonymous Mar 2018
The night settles in
The dark crawls on my skin
The sleepiness never comes
My heart sounds like a drum

The silence drives me crazy
My vision never gets hazy
I wish for the moon to go down
So I could hear at least one sound

The old house creaks
It feels like it's been weeks
The clock seems unmoving
My sleepiness is not improving

My eyes feel glued open
My mind feels so broken
The minutes turn to hours
My tongue is feeling sour

At 2am insanity bites
I need to turn on the lights
Where the hell is the sun?
I'll only sleep if I use the gun

The fear draws near
My vision is still crystal clear
I pray to god for sleep
I start to shake and weep

4am is when I decide
I want to tear out my eyes
The dark is my blanket
But I just want to yank it

7am. The sun is here
The sounds are back, I can finally hear
The light is now my best friend
And the night has finally come to an end
Hanna Kelley Feb 2018
I am obsessed with my health. Not just simply my health, but my weight, and my eating habits, and my view on life and myself. I am so obsessed that it has now gotten to the point where it is all I think about, and it has become obvious to everyone around me.

I can tell you which lunch ladies at my school won't question your lunch choices, which teachers will let you sit in their classrooms during lunch because you don't want to be around anyone or food; I have memorized restaurant menus, and I can tell you the meals with the lowest amounts of calories. My photo gallery is full of screenshots of healthy, low calorie, low fat, no-sugar recipes that I intend to make when I choose. I follow 177 eating disorders blogs on Tumblr. One of them being my girlfriend, and I get notifications when all of them post anything new. I weigh myself everyday, I know what I am eating two days from now, I overexercise, and I can tell you how many calories are in the 6 200mg ibuprofen I take everyday before facing the world.

I have lost 20 lbs. That doesn't seem like something worth keeping to myself, but it is when you are a high school girl; it is when all girls think the same, and suddenly when they hear numbers, they want to be number 1; they want to be the lowest, to be the winner, to be the most miserable person.

I can tell you exactly what it feels like to be embarrassed of being in your own skin.

I love giving other people food because I want them to remember that food is good for them. I want them to feel as though being given food is a kind gesture, not a last resort.
Britni Ann Feb 2018
What is this i feel?
                            A sense to speak,
             A need to say something.
                                                     Yet the words,
      They fail me.
                  Yet the feelings,
                                     They go away.
                                                   I sit in words i cannot say aloud,
In the void of nothing.
          I feel nothing.

I.
                                                    ­       Am nothing.

                Mirrors are bullies,
                           Fathers are abusers,
Toilets are comforters,
                                                     ­    Yet I still feel nothing.
         Yet I cannot find the words…
                        to express the nothing I feel.
Why?
                                                      ­     Why do I hurt?

               No one understands,
                                     I don't understand.
    I am an empty well.

         Why do I continue to swallow pills to make me sick?
                              He tells me I am beautiful…

                              She tells me I am not fat.

   How come I roll?
                                                          How come I don't fit in like they do?

                                                  Why do continue to write him letters?

                           How come he hasn't showed up in seven years?

    How come no matter how many times I tell him

                                                            ­                      I forgive his abuse
                I still get angry
                                               And want to die?
  Why do I want
                 What everyone seems to be so afraid of?
                                                             ­         Death
So sweet
                                       Asleep forever.
                                                                ­  In a place where I don't have to
                Feel
                                            The
Nothing
                                                                ­ That
                         I am.
the words are scattered like thoughts often are.
Rose Feb 2018
My mood flips.
Switches.
Changes.
It never stops.
It's like a roller coaster.
I'm on top of the world.
Then suddenly I am plumitting.
Crashing down.
Sometimes i'm higher than i've ever been
And sometimes i'm so low I can't get out of bed.
Bipolar is what they say.
I can't make it stop.
I'm happy.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm numb.
I'm everything all at once.
It's so much.
But for me it's normal.
They don't understand.
I don't want to change.
I don't want their ******* medications.
I don't want to be forever numb.
Shut off from my emotions.
I want to be me.
And this is who I am.
Bipolar,
Is what they say.
I say,
This is me.
2-11-18
K Eaglechild Feb 2018
A few months ago,
I met a man, but not just any ordinary man.
A colourfully, depressed man;
Who has beautiful designs on his body.
A main key to unlocking the door that hold his demons.
Now I only have a visual and auditory idea of what's going inside his mind.
From what he told me, but I know he leaves out so much more.

The tattooed man is exhausted,
Depression holds him hostage;
A mistress of misery
He found a comfort in her grasps,
He sleeps in her palms, tossing and turning for hours on end,
Restless coma.
He was always so sleepy.
Her lips whispering venomous yet addictive words into his ear.
Planting seeds of doubt and harmful flowers,
He adores his damaging garden, with objects scattered there and here.

The tattooed man is so very tired of breathing,
I can hear it within his stern voice
I can reminisce his fatigue glance, inside his dark brown orbs;
Suicide tempts him.
Every minute of the day,
every breath he takes
Suicide tempts him like a hunter baiting it's prey

Clawing and searching desperately for an exit.

The tattooed man told me, he why he covers himself in tattoos.
The irritating sting of the needle is way better than satisfying the desire to guide a knife across his skin.
Colors and designs imprinted everywhere on his body,
His face, arms, legs, hands and neck.
And let me tell you, he is beautiful to me.

He told me he’s always scared,
During the twilight of the night, on the drive home from our 2 day road trip.
And I’ve never heard so much serenity inside his voice before.
His eyes lower, but they almost seem to shine
in the moons illuminating glimpse
“I hate making new friends,” he said,
“Because that means I’ll have more ties and bonds to this life.
If the relationship is there, I can’t die.”
And dying is something he really wants to achieve.
Just as much as Olympians want their gold medals.

The tattoo man grew a liking to I, and he is very precious to me.
(Vice versa)
I grew very fond of him, like two gnarled trees entwining together.
And now i’ve become very selfish
And I don’t want let him give in to suicide.
This poem goes out to a close friend of mine.
I used to take baths every few hours
Just so time would pass through my fingers like water
Uncontainable like the power my brain held over what remained of me
Fragile has my back hit the bottom
A thin layer of flesh couldn't protect
All I could fathom was metal against bone
Not the comfort I'd once know
But still the warmest I'd been since I'd taken off my clothes
The slightest cold found easy passage to my bones
Wasting time waiting for my body clock to run down
So I could taste the sweet taste of what my body needed
what I forcefully took away from myself
Punishment was all i gifted
Has it hit twelve
For some reason I believed it was fine to eat again
But I could never compete with the two thousand needed to maintain or a score greater to gain.
Orion Rosemary Jan 2018
Too
Difference between lives best left said,
do not compare, don’t get caught dead

People experience different things different ways
Better to sympathize than to relate

I once said me too, to too many different things
failed to see all the trouble ‘Twould bring

To want to take my own live, without considering
Others who truly did who I cared for and who’d cared for me

My best friend attempted recently such a thing
Not realizing to me how much pain it would bring

If she did, I really would too

Me too if I’m too late,

There’d be nothing more to do

And when now others simply remark such words
I think of them, oh, I think
‘how pereverse’

They and you may yet know one day
know what it’s like to be too, to be too too late
For a dear friend, and for dear others who may be as I once was or am now. Or how she was and is.
little lion Jan 2018
i am not the kind of sick
that leaves the body flushed
at 104 degrees
in the middle of the winter.

                                                               ­                  i am not the kind of sick
                                                            ­                         that causes every breath
                                                          ­          to force
                                                           ­         its way

                                                               ­    back up

                                                             yo­ur throat
                                                          ­             while dragging razor blades
along the inside of your neck.

                       i am not even the kind of sick
                       that comes with a vaccination
                                  or an antibiotic
                            that will chase it away.
no.
                                                                ­                          i am the kind of sick
that leaves you locked in
the bathroom during class
because you can't seem to stop the
             flow of tears
                       running
                               down
                                     your face.

i am the kind of sick
that leaves your hands
sweating
and your voice
shaking
when it's your turn to order dinner
at the diner you've been to
a thousand times.
                                            
                                             i am the kind of sick
                                         that leaves you feeling

l o n e l y
                                              in a crowded room
                                           filled with the people you've
                                           known your whole life.

i am the kind of sick                                                                  ­                                that nobody sees
                                        because it's all in my head
                                      and cannot be cured.
mental health is just as important as physical health. take care of yourself.
Aoife Teese Dec 2017
I miss the me I was at the peak of my eating disorder. She was worse than me, but more distracted. She had purpose. Talent. Control. She knew how to get through a day and she knew how to stay small. She loved the way her body was changing. Now she is small. Pushed back to the furthest corners of my mind, until I look in a mirror. Then she is quickly hushed. I miss her ideas and her thoughts. But mostly I miss how much I don't remember from being her.
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