Oh my love.
Ryan James,
is the name you chose.
And it is a name that I shall never forget.

For you have shown me love that my heart has always craved.
You have loved me through all of the bad days.
The days where I laid in bed and didn’t want to talk.
To the days where I was snappy and mean.
And even the days when you were unsure of being with me.
You have always taken care of me and loved me.
You have hidden me from the world when I could no longer handle the hate.
And now it is my turn to take care of you.
Through all the tears.
Through all the dysphoria.
Through all the days where you’re snappy and mean.
And even the days where I am unsure if we’ll make it.
To hide you from all the hate and judgment.
You have shown me what it’s like to be loved.
Deeply.
Madly.
Unapologetically
And now it is my turn.
To love you through all the doubt, judgment, and hate.
To love you through all the hormone changes.
And days where you don’t want to leave the bed.
Ryan James, I love you.
Deeply.
Madly.
Unapologetically.

You can’t hold me together
If you can’t keep yourself together.
You can’t be real with me
If you can’t be real with yourself.
You can’t compliment me
If you can’t compliment yourself first.
You can’t love me
If you don’t love yourself first.
You need to love yourself before you love anyone else
Or else it will just be fake love.

Please run your mouth more about things you don’t know.
Please try and tell me how wrong I am when you don’t even know the circumstances.
Please comment more to try and prove me wrong.
When you have no idea what I’m going through or what I’m even speaking about.
Please mind your own business instead of thinking you know everything,
When in reality,
You know nothing.

Sometimes
It is easier to lie
And say that everything is okay
Than it is
To show your weakest side to someone
That doesn’t even care in the first place

When I told the doctor,
About how the voices in my head
Tell me to **** myself,
And how I have anxiety attacks over the simplest of things,
And how it seems that I’m constantly sad.
He said,
“Oh here. Take this.”
And so I did.
But it didn’t help.
So I stopped taking it.
The next doctor gave me a new medication.
And this one seemed to make everything worse.
So I stopped taking it too.
The next doctor told me to go to therapy,
Because that’s what people like me need.
So I did.
And she told me that I was making it all up.
That it was all in my head.
And that If I kept telling these lies that I would be put in the hospital like the rest of the crazies.
If doctors are supposed to help you,
Then why did they only seem to make me worse?
If doctors are supposed to fix the problems,
Then why did they only give me more problems to add to my list?
If doctors are supposed to understand,
Then why did they call me crazy?

You remind me of the ocean,
And the ocean is my safe place.
Your eyes hold the color of the deepest depths of the sea,
And your voices is like the waves rolling against the shore.
Your soft hands on my skin is like the cool water washing over me,
And you always smell softly of palm tree’s.
You taste of tropical fruits and sea salt.
I love the ocean,
And you,
Are my ocean.
You are my safe place.
You are my ocean.