I know that I'm not
But is it okay
If I just let myself
Feel disgusting today?

How it must feel
To be a traitor
To everyone who's loved you

Does he know what we did?
Would he still love you?

Call me disgusting
A  horrible person
Manipulative even

I hope he learns
And that he leaves
So you are alone

And I hope you know my pain

Eating out my bowl
I wipe my heart on the sleeve
with phlegm and oils.

Bottles of cheap bliss
drown out lugubrious sadness
replaced with bottles of ****
in this festering den of madness

at least there’s paradise in my poems
at least there’s a clean bed in my dreams
at least in those spaces I’m in your arms
at least I’m happy bathing in the moonbeam

surround by a fetid smell
with a lack of care for myself,
is my hunger even quelled
when there’s no food left on the shelf?

a roach skitters across a pile of clothes
my temporary friend that I confide in
he speaks, “Here is what I propose.
Stop thinking that you are a has been

get off your *** and clean this mess
unless you want more of my kin
stop ******* at the bottle is what I suggest
and have a little victory, a little win

you don’t have to live”

Squish

“Funny how you can survive a nuke
but not my tiny bare foot,
well you pest, there’s my rebuke
how’s it feel to be ground to soot?”

“What am I doing with my life?
Maybe the cockroach was right.”

One cold, dark night
As I lay there, my mind running,
Screaming in agony, the silence shrouding it in,
I remember your question:

"Why do you inflict pain
When I can't even imagine
Hurting myself?
Why do you cause yourself harm?"

The answer is that I'll never seem to find a way
To ever represent how much
I hate myself,
and how I wish I never existed.

And this is the only way,
Truly the only way
I'll ever manage to express myself
Without anyone ever making fun of what I think.

The sight of myself truly ******* disgusts me.