i haven't been telling you my real feelings for a while now.
you've been going through so much yourself.
and you say i make it all about me.
i hate seeming selfish and needy.

but right now;
i need you.
maybe as much as you need me.

i don't want you to read this until your schedule clears.
because i don't want to be a pain.
but i'm scared- so deeply afraid.
and so so deeply alone.

my mind is getting darker
and my anxiety is consuming me
my fear of
displeasing you
seems to grow
and constantly come true.

it's like
your anger
is all that
i think of;
displeasing you
is all that
goes through my head.

seeing you upset with me
makes me wish i were dead.

i'm not okay.
and you get upset with me quite often now-
have you realized the way
i've submitted and obeyed?
in my mind the shackles of slavery
jingle.

until this point
i never felt this way
where
you were
in control of me
and your happiness
and validation
was all that mattered to me.

it's becoming
master & slave.
it wasn't meant to
be this way.
when you smile at me
or say hello-
i feel like you're doing me a favor.

i'm not blaming you
but i'm getting afraid.
i'm reaching out to you.
this is the only way.
i can see of speaking to you.
because i'm too afraid to say.
what's in my heart.
and mind.
and the fear.
which consumes.
me.

what once was freedom
now feels like chains;
i love you
sounds like
mercy.

it's not your fault
there's something wrong with me
and i know it's
hard for you to see
but
i'm fading
and my love
for you
is turning
dangerous
for me.

help me.
please.

Sorry to disappoint
But I'm starting to crack
I took on too much
Now I'm slipping
Tired eyes, tired heart, exhausted mind
I wish not to bother you
With my melodramatic problems
I do not want to be here now
I want to be free
With my poems to keep me company
At this point
I don't think I can promise anything
I'm sorry to disappoint
I'm sorry

There was a time when you could make me fall right back to highschool.
The days of virginity and innocence.
Years between our encounters and you'd always be just beneath my breath.
So juvenile and oblivious to all the ways you'd disappoint.
So attached and forgiving.

I found myself at the end of your plank too many times.
Cannonball at my ankles.
Looking down your blade with the point in my neck.

I'll see you again soon...

I always used to feel.
But now I can't conjure the same devotion.
The image of you has finally muddied and spoiled.

I noticed this transition and felt the change somewhere along the way.
Affirmation that I don't need always live on that plank with my heels hanging off.

I am not the girl who sits by the phone waiting for you to call

I am not the girl who will tell you that she misses you

I am not the girl who will whisper to you how she really feels

I am not the girl that will ask you to come over tonight

I am not the girl you will drape your long arms around

I am not the girl hanging onto your every word

I am the girl you are frustrated with because I am not that girl.

Ooooh baby listen up God made you for me and me for you which became a blessing for us but life keeps getting in the way and when ever we try somehow the plan is always rearrange and I know how much you need me and it breaks my heart believe me baby it seems like forever that I waited for you in a world of disappointment and lonely people but one thing is true but we gotta go our own way and I really don't want to leave it all behind but we get our hopes up and we watch them fall every time and it's so hard to watch it slowly fade away and he said what about us? What about everything we been through? What about trust? And that I know he never wanted to hurt me and I said I know and I'm going to miss you so much that it's going to hurt me more than it hurts you and baby it's something about you that makes me want to stay and work it out.

Self centered woman
you're so wrong about
so many things I can't
even begin to reach
for half of my dreams
because of your words
that lead me to believe
I've failed you- maybe
I'm not what you were
wanting so badly..
but telling me lies and
staying away from him
will not change the way
that I feel about you-
disappointed.

One
Pretty and kind
Startlingly considerate
But
He is afraid

Two
Athletic and funny
Strikingly aware
But
He is beloved

Three
Purposeful and hardworking
Peculiarly tolerating
But
He is away

This Colorado song
Means nothing without
You here.
I'd give back
Every mountain
Just to hold you near.

I may be silly
And my head may be
In the clouds,
But I feel I'm
Lost in a crowd
Without you around.

This Colorado sky
Seems pointless
Without your song,
And smiling at
Every sunrise
Suddenly feels so wrong.

But I'm sure I'll forget you;
You'll be a memory
From long ago.
Like the time I spent
On a train
Breezing through Colorado.