Do you have any idea
How illegal it feels not to be able to cry in your own room?
because being heard is too high of a risk
and instead,
you have to tip toe to the bathroom
careful not to make any of the crying sounds,
Just to get in there
and unconsciously fall on the hard cold ground,
searching for the bit of light
you once saw at the end of the tunnel.
But then you realize
that maybe down there is where you belong,
maybe that's where you were supposed to get to once you felt like all you do is wrong,
and it just feels like the right moment to give up
when there's no more air entering your lungs,
Or no more hope hidden deep into your heart,
when your head can no longer rest on your shoulders,
and it has to fall on the hard wood door,
when the tears streaming down your face are too many than your messy hands and clothes could handle,
and the eyes just hurt too much to be opened by now..
But you have to get up,
You have to calm down,
You have to find a way to make yourself able to breathe normally again,
So you crawl,
And you crawl,
till you reach something that could help you get up,
Only to feel physically hurt by one's actions.
You stare in the mirror,
And question how did we even get here;
You no longer recall or remember any of the things happening outside the room,
When all you have to do is fake smile and move on.
No.
You're just staring at yourself.
And it's just you.
But you right now look more like a monster, a messy unloved piece of art that just reflects how you feel because it's true..
But it's still you.
And it only took you that moment to realize that you had lost...
But not just any game,
you lost the version of yourself you never thought would live again..
And you're empty.
You just feel defeated.
There in the bathroom looking in the mirror.
And it hurts.
It hurts not to be able to look in your eyes,
It hurts even more just when you see you cry.
But you hold on,
And with your trembling hand,
You turn on the water and try to wash your face,
as if the sadness would just come off;
like some messy make up you forgot to whipe off.
So the tears go,
But new ones just reappear,
And the sadness you thought was gone just keeps on hanging near.
And it's close.
And it hits again
with a type of hurt someone only feels when they are too scared to try again.
And it hurts.
It hurts because it's rare.
To still love and not feel like they really care.
Or maybe they do
but you're just too hurt to think
of another 50 ways of how this is not a real thing...
But you're still looking in the mirror,
and you realize you kinda have to go,
because you spent too much time hanging low..
So you whipe all your tears,
and put on a big fake smile,
then crawl back to the door,
But you stop.
you take a big deep breath,
and lift your chin up like you didn't loose yourself in there.
And you open the door.
And try to normally walk into your room
Like your heart isn't shattered into tiny pieces scattered because it just went "boom".
And you get in there,
but you're too afraid to speak
cause even the silence feels too loud when you're just trying to keep,
keep yourself sane
and tell yourself how it's just gonna be ok.
But it's impossible to make yourself think that way
When the only thing you were able to think was just how everything got destroyed in the time of a blink.
