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julius Apr 13
LA and part japanese 4 foot 11 boy-girl
hushed pet names and laughs and [that].
quiet about your mother and step mother
and you spend - days - in your room shut
alone with no food water company etc just
your fist and your laptop hot on your bare
thighs the fan whirring louder than your
hands and the skin and whatever else you
do and im sorry i get red and i push and i
pound and im sorry it seems like you want
it. just tell me how to love you because i
dont know how and its hurting everything
keep changing your name baby it doesnt change anything
#u
julius Feb 24
well yeah man, it's like-
you take a drag, inhale.
your eyes sink and i watch your lips
part slightly and let out a trail of smoke
but your words get lost in my mouth
because i sit up and kiss you
it's sort of slow and feverish
and i climb in your lap and chase it
automatically like a moth to a flame
twisting i almost smile, i lick your teeth
-like this ? i not quite growl
you forgot everything but this moment
but you nod anyway
and i see some indescribable want or need
some days i can't tell the difference
i guess i like you like me
i watch you sit and smoke
every breath you seem a little farther
when you're done you grab me
pull me away into your room
i lie on the bed and taste incense
you look back as music plays
then join me silently and pull me on top
i rest over you like a misshapen blanket
and you get too hot
you look so far gone deep out in space
floating somewhere under me
your eyes glazed and our thighs
it must feel so great to be treated like this
someone to keep you safe
and do anything you say
and selfishly i tried making you mine
but your and my bruises healed
sometimes i wish they had stayed
i miss u
julius Jan 26
this isn't a callout since he's a minor
but we wanted to warn you of his past actions
we do not believe he will change anytime soon

Trigger/Content warnings:
emotional manipulation, suicide, self harm, r slur, n slur, d slur, r//dsk//n slur, c//ntb//y slur, death threats, grooming, violence, racefaking, blackface, disrespecting boundaries/triggers, misgendering, deadnaming, abuse, sexualization of minors and abusive relationships, cheating, antiblack racism, racism against indigenous people, racism against Asian people, Japanese imperialism, alcohol, underage drinking, transmisogyny, transphobia, intersexism, antisemitism, ******

proceed with caution

happy went to a psych ward when he was 12
he has always struggled with [himself]
i knew he was hurting but not until he lashed out
every year he spent christmas away from home with a basket of clothes
i know he he he he i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i

how much could change in just one year
julius Jan 10
the day we both lost our breath
i was box breathing
in
out
you
me
in
you
out
me
inside [our] empty lungs
i don’t know about you
but i can’t breathe like this
right now it’s 3 but
maybe it should be 4 or more
since we mold
and shape
inside
although my brain
will stay the same
we join
at the tongue
but the act is never done
it us me we them
julius Dec 2021
the further i stand away
the better it seems
so i'll keep this distant

my lungs are *******
with your being
just your name
is hard to say
and your face
is hard to see

all this color
blends into brown
the color of eyes
i've seen before

somewhere
across interstates
our skin could touch
our veins could break

i can't wait
to be a part of you
sometimes i want it so bad
i make myself bleed

these days grow colder
into the pigment of my skin
the frozen air i breathe is thin

with each passing rise and fall
i feel us getting farther
until i can't feel you at all

i can't hold this pain
i collapse with the weight
of nothing but stars
julius Dec 2021
you will never understand how much i hate myself.
how my throat collapses and closes in on itself.
and how tired i am. this aching body is an empty vessel.
sometimes my veins still ache to bloom red roses.
i put my headphones on and the whole world becomes a drone.
a blur of colors and half assed dreams bleeding together.
do you remember that january night in the snow?
we held each other close so we breathed the same smoke.
rosy cheeks and ripe noses, gray eyes and frozen toes.
someday, maybe soon, i'll choose to go through my skin.
by way of rope or knife, i'm not quite sure yet. but it will be scarlet.
my white tissue paper sliced and torn apart by your fingers.
my favorite time of day is any time spent with you.
your arms are home to me, and my heart rots inside out.
i want to scream far and wide into the cold dark sea.
and drown in your recycled oxygen, kneel at your feet.
i will never be more than a kicked dog, a hollow corpse.
oh darling, don't cry for me, this is how it's supposed to be.
this is the epilogue to something, somewhere
julius Nov 2021
I never thought it would be you.
With your brown eyes surrounding like mountains.
Arms always big and warm and hugging someone.
She didn’t deserve you, you know?
Now you’re off somewhere,
On the “greatest adventure of all”.
You were like him the more i think about it.

I was always a little mean to you
I guess i really didn’t understand
I was jealous of your friends, your smile
I thought it was just a pencil
Now it’s a blade and you’re gone
It doesn’t feel real

I remember you at my door
On the phone
And in the kitchen
Alone
With her
Laughing hugging kissing
She loved you

You got better
Stronger.
Daft punk sleeps now.
Because of you.
I complained.
You were so loved
But there must’ve been worms
Under your skin

That night was the worst night
Wasn’t it?
It’s the demons’ fault, whoever they are
They took my friend
I lost you once, now again
But there is no redemption
No hope
No light

You had an ****** flip phone
The background was a picture of your christ
Reaching out his hand through water
You wanted to believe in something so badly
It wasn’t enough i suppose
And that’s the sad truth of everything i know

But you hurt everyone so badly
Did you realize
The giant hole you’d leave
The scars on your skin now on mine
Where did you go
Did you finally go home

You were always a little selfish
But this is the most selfish act of all
Leaving us here while you move on
Now i’m scared
Everyone i know
Everyone i love
Could die
At any time
And i can’t do anything about it
******* *******
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