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julius Mar 2023
Feeling something
Lonely like a concrete wall
Cold in my bed under the covers
I want to forget
I bet they feel the same
You confuse me with your spiral eyes
I cut myself for money offer you
A portion and all my love
Yet I’m something faltered
Wrong for the right reasons
Wrong for the wrong reasons
Alone and waiting for no one
Unconventional methods
We tell each other how we’d **** ourselves
You’re hitting me through a straw
I’d prefer a bite of something sweet
Everything reminds me of him
All the hims really
Every new him is like the last but with a separate journal entry
Now I’m on a grainy camera trying to make a living or something
My dad calls me a failure to my face
My mother is violent in her silence
I’ll never be anyone else they see in me
I’m a moth drawn to the flame of promise
A flame I burn my skin with
Writing words for you
Not for myself
Because there is nothing here
I spend my days curled up with my own fingers
In the palm of my own hand
  Feb 2023 julius
Lone Chimney Sweep
Still, I drift
I thought I lived myself to pieces
But bones will shift
when your body doesn't need the space it's been in
julius Feb 2023
Ex-******* addict and traumatized people pleaser
Keep me high and keep me bound
No one knows who i am in secret
And yet my scars are displayed for all to see
Lines off my face years off my life
I don’t care anymore just take me
He’s mine and im his and i could say im happy
In life and death we’ll be intertwined
If soulmates are real i’d swear i can feel our string
I need you fully and completely
Love beyond time and reason
Beyond physical planes
Kiss me like a dream
Like the first time i hated myself
Feel me like Luci
Who’s gone forever
Will we last
You say we will
I don't care anymore just take me
End it at the afterparty
we're supposed to be recovering
  Feb 2023 julius
Niki Gray
Pain is better than numbness,
because at least I can feel
my life not just move through it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my poetry.  Also a thank you to all my family and friends that remind me to be the best me I can be.  Thank you Sheela, Courtney, Christian, Favour, my daughter Sydney and my son James.  Also, a big thank you to my husband Jim.
julius Feb 2023
3 breaths
Too late
I kept doubting
Moving only in my mind
My body, my sad corpse
Knows only (ab)u(se)
Is it too late
To break free (me)
Come clean
Hurt me
With a bullet
To the chest
Cellphone flashlight
Morphine shadow
Opioid dreams
****** sheets
I can’t be what you
Or i
break your heart and my mind
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