there are ten things that say I can be loved by you
     and there are five things that say I can't.

  It's unfortunate that the ten things are letters and
  the five things are words.
  I modify weights so that outcomes change,
  but in the end, I know my feelings are cursed.

"I always try."
   but
     "You don't care about me."

Lying on the floor
Trying to get cold
Burning on the inside
Nausea plaguing me
Head spinning
Up in the sky
Can't feel this mortal body

A single tear drops
The first drop
Signaling the rainstorm

Trembling violently
Unable to stop myself
Slipping away

Hearing voices
The ground leaving me
I'm being lifted

In arms so strong
I am silent
Hiding in the chill of my bones
Laying still
Heart beating

Grasping tightly to a cord
Loosening
Then staying just that
Loose, yet there

Healed
Back on my feet
Wishing, halfheartedly,
That I had let go

Then again
The other half cries in relief
So glad it remained

Pulled in
Heart beating
Words mumbled
Feeling in my hands fleeting
Unsure what shall win

Then suddenly
All is gone
I find myself eased
Over time
I realize;
Someone cares

- Jay M
April 24th, 2019

At times I feel lost, like I'm wandering
through lush forestry,
picking the pretty flowers
that probably don't belong here
because they look like they'd make the best
first impression, leaving the ugly, thorny weeds and vines alone.
But they spread,
by some innate instinct to fold,
pressurize, concentrate, & consume.
I take the flowers that I want to boast
and view them again,
hoping with each passing glance
that they'll grow
golden and refined.
Instead, they dim slightly,
petals pursing in rebuttal
of the light they once held.
The weeds and vines have staked their claim amongst this density
and continue their expansion,
yet among them sprout more beautiful flowers--
gleaming despite the pain.

Tomorrow makes its way into the history
of my heart – always a mystery to me
it is full of people, music, feeling, and strain
a morsel of ache and moments of drain
it has taken me
walked and run
from rising to setting sun
from shame to grace
from a lower to a higher place.

This old heart has filled me with tears
of sadness, joy, faith and fears
awe and anger, glorious heights
lowly dark and bruising disgust
love full of passion, pain, and trust.

Touched by victories over incredible odds
moved from darkness to cirrus gods
from squalls and brawls and angry shouting
snatched me from moments of demons and doubting.

Heart to beating heart in warm embraces
football in sandlots and youthful races
fearful greetings and tearful goodbyes
falling in love with her big brown eyes
heart to heart in evenings of sharing
from being apart to coupling and caring.

And so tomorrow I and my heart
go again for another new start
in the hands of healers
and angels from afar
whatever comes from this
if all is well or it goes amiss
I fear not whatever the course
for I have been - and will be - in the hands of the Source.