I bought groceries today,
and held my bags in my hands
while i waited for my car to arrive.
leaning by the carts
bundled in a winter coat
cursing the wind
watching the family's walk in and out.

A cashier walks out and stands beside me
Bags under her eyes, a little smile
She comments on the cold weather
and lights up a smoke.
coughing with each breath.
A few more puffs
and she throws it on the pavement
and goes back to work.
the smoke still rises
I am still waiting
for my car.

A garbage man walks up to me
he smiles brightly, his eyes big and warm.
and says that mother nature only got it half right today,
the suns out but its too **** cold.
I chuckle and nod as he removes the filled trash from the can
"she never loses that ******* does she? I think she likes us cold"

"haha, I guess so!"
We exchange a smile, and he goes off to the next can.

I wait for my car.

The cigarette that the cashier left is still burning
the wind pushed it back to the door
And I watch closely as every leg danced around it
and every wheel rolled beside it.
The smoke kept coming.

A family of three exits the store
a handsome man in his mid thirties
and a burgundy coat pushed the cart with his wife
while his young son walked ahead of them.
The son pulled out a flyer and began to read
His father approached him
and ripped it from his hand,
crumpled it
and threw it in the garbage beside me.
He looked his son in his eyes
"you're being ridiculous"

They kept walking
The smoke kept rising
The can isn't empty anymore
and I'm still waiting for my car.

I sit in my car snow panging like rain
waiting for you to send your fatal mistake
I cry and I cry head hitting the horn
realizing that I am mentally scarred
breaking down in my little red car
you sent me a message of your long written scar.

the gate locks behind us as we scuttleunder snowfall
bundled in peacoats and scarves
Coffee in our hands, so that they may not hold each other.
Gloves that hold no warmth, so we couldn't touch, in case we did.
We want to hold hands, but we're too happy with our coffee.
playing chicken, who's gonna be mentally stable first
driving cars at each other seeing who will turn.
but the roads long.
we pass open fields of ex-lovers
mountainsides of therapists
what started as a race, seems ike a leisurely scenic route now.
our white knuckles loosening,
Our manic tunnel vision, fading as we become narcoleptic
nodding off slightly as the cars pull closer.
Whenever we take our gloves off,
We'll be lucky not to have driven off road
collide with another field or mountain.
because we couldn't put down our coffee.
afraid of falling asleep
what if our eyes are closed, and we can't decide to be brave.
What if one day we made up in a hospital, in the same bed
two broken windshields.
Crashing, only when we fall asleep.
can we truly call it a conscious decision?

Do you remember

that last night?

Before things got ****** up,

and everything was normal.

We sat in your car,

driving through the sleeping city;

unbeknownst to the future,

and how bad everything would end.

If only I had known

how little time we had.

I would have said something,

instead of sitting in silence.

Left in a truck with all the Windows shut. Stuck myself in a garage with the music up. Start the car and wait watching, dioxide is the dependency im depending on to keep me from pretending to be happy. Deep breaths in, feeling the poisen seeping in, cutting deep within the life ive lived without. It screams as its torn out.

It has been crossing my mind recently
How little I can control
Not the wind, or the sea
Or the thoughts running within me
Long drives with no real destination
Always get me thinking
Raindrops trickle down the window
As the world flashes in a blur
Nameless faces of people
Never to be seen again
No time for first impressions
As the seconds dart past
Headlights beam brighter than all the stars
Till they are blinding through the silence
I long to be home
Yet where do you go when even home feels foreign
So this is why I am driving through the night
With no real destination
Only longing to be ‘home’.