you left me with
few cuts and bruises
i do not blame you.
in fact,it is all
self inflicted.
it makes me happy
it makes all the pretty
pictures of your laughter
flicker in my head.
i'm giving a part
of my flesh
to see you smile,
seems like a
really good deal.

Yesterday was a time for intimate tongues
Ones that lunged for lust not love
Crept through secrets on a nighttime train
And marched with a runaway parade

The lips fell softly on subtle skin
Blame of scarcity born within
Caught cheating on another plane
With a love that always fades away

You were crying
Howling
Upset
Depressed
Maybe
And repeteadly
Blamed me for it

Now its enough
I can't take it anymore

I blame you

I blame you
For the times i hit myself
And you looked away.

I blame you
For the times i were
On my knees begging
You not to go
But you left.

I blame you
For the days I
Cried so much
That no tears were left to shed.

I blame you
For all the pain
I felt in my chest.

I blame you
For closing me
Up into a nutshell.

I blame you
For stealing my
Confidence and self respect.

I blame you
For driving me insane
And all the headaches.

I blame you
For not letting me be myself
And converting me
Into a mannequin.

I blame you
For ripping me apart
And my soul.

But whats the point of blaming you
Doesnt bring me back or you
Its just a game where we just blame.

Why did i let him in?10 months have passed but I've still haven't forgot,Counselor tells me to forgive,trick question ,Do I forgive me for not fighting as hard as I could,not screaming loud  enough, allowing him in my house,or trusting him.Flashbacks include scrubbing my skin till it was irritated trying to remove his scent,only one question haunts me daily,why did I let him in?So called friend that was there when I needed him never crossed my mind he would commit such a sin.Yes he did the crime but I did the time ,Time spent crying and punishing myself for what happened is it true you can control others actions? why couldn't I stop him from tearing off my underwear?Could I stop him from stealing what was rightfully mines?On a mission to get it back, It shouldn't have Left me anyways,but I'm scared to knock on his door scared once he sees my tears he'll realize the score,why did I let him in when he knocked on my door?

I have violent thoughts

I hate and hold grudges on you all
For not acknowledging me

And talking to me

Like my talk is cheap

But I can't let you all take control of me

I can only push myself to the brink

I can only break myself under pressure

You are just my psychological limitation

You are my negative motivation

But not why I positively persevere

I will not let you occupy a vacancy in my mind without paying an outrageous lease

I don't want to snap

Because control is the only thing i have this far

And if I do

I will give whoever is there everything

Every sarcastic remark thrown at me

Every unfair criticism

Every smug remark

Everything I didn't want to hear

And everything they didn't deserve

Beat me ****** with sticks and stones

Break every bone

Leave me conscious enough to tell me it's my fault

Then slander what I have left as a human being

What's a word without power

What's an idea without a motive

Watch the steps you tread

The steep path can lead you to what he or she said

While the truth discriminates

And the reality that we all search for doesn't exist

Freedom and unity can't be forced onto the same plane

Those with the power to send their malicious intent

You sully my docile side

So when tears form my rage and release my wrath on a stubborn mule of a man

By nature

I didn't really want to do it

Silently sobbing in the corner shackle as I have given the confession to the act I committed

Emotional distraught

Being taught

To never point the finger

Logically perplexed

Watching

These acts being committed

It angers me

So blame me

I should have crashed the ******* car the night I drove alone, I could have ended the twisting if the knife you stuck in my heart. I am always looking for someone to blame and finally someone fits the shoe. I hope you know how terrible I feel that I wasn't good enough for you and I know you want to spit on my face and send me straight to hell but let's never forget that you are no angel. You have risen and you have fallen and just because I have some baggage doesn't mean you don't either
I am drowning in these tears

Disappearing,
More are disappearing.

It's a bad month for any of this.

Please put down that shard of glass.
You can't hide it with your smiling face.

Through the cracks of life and to the door of death beyond,
Don't disappear on me now.
Such a simple slip.

Because the guilt feels heavy and familiar.
And my mind was so used to it
That I believed I had forgiven myself
Then,
Only just,
Caught a whisper
Of thought ninja-like,
Camouflaged.
They were normal.
That's all.
The thoughts had become normal.

And you are like him.

Is my influence so treacherous?
Do I drive men to such a depth of despair?
I'm not so vain as to think that it's just me;
There is more sorrow and complexity in your existence.
But was I the trigger?

Was I the trigger?

I was the trigger for him.
Logically, the blame should slip away.
He was unstable.
Anything, anyone,
It was going to happen some point.

But
It
Was
Me.

Just open up ground and swallow me whole
Be my Jonah's Whale.

Is my influence so vile?

How can I find a place to stand
When my standing causes such suffering?
I feel myself shrinking into the shadows again

I don't want to cause any trouble
I don't want to cause any bother
I don't want to cause any hassle

Please, just go about your lives
I'm going to close the door now
*I don't want to cause any trouble.

Hi, I'm just writing to say that I'm sorry I'm ****** up.
I'm sorry I can't do anything productive. I'm sorry I ******* up my siblings with my clothes and my music.
I'm sorry I'm a monster. I tried... I'm trying... But its hard....
I don't want to hate you but I do. I don't want to blame you but I do.
I blame you for teaching me that Jesus was the only life. I blame you for not even warning me of what this world can turn into.
I blame you for not being strong enough to get over my dad when he cheated on you.
I don't want to. But I do.
I blame you for marrying someone new when you weren't over Him yet.
I blame you for letting that imposter become the source of my brothers confidence issues.
I blame you for my 8 year old brother developing multiple social and mental problems simply because you couldn't control your husband.
Because he was righteous and a woman shouldn't stand up to her man.
I know its childish and I know I'm selfish.
And I claim that completely. I am who I am despite who you are.
I don't want you to take claim for what I've become.
I don't want you to tell your friends about the monster you made.
I want you to realize I am myself of my own accord.
I choose to be unhappy and I'm **** proud of that.
And I love you, though I wish I didn't.
I love you for finally leaving my brother's tormenter, even if it was later rather than sooner.
I love you for crying for my grandmother on her deathbed after you ignored for two years.
I love the fact that you cared enough, at one point in time, to try to keep me from becoming who I am today.
I don't know if these are good reasons and I don't know if you care.
But I blove you my mear dother, and I lame you.