You make me so conflicted
Are you a friend or faux
I feel like I'm afflicted
With what I cannot know

I wish that you were here
Not stuck inside my head
Does that make me the bier
Supporting what is dead

Or rather, what never lived

Pack up my personality,
make sure the tape really sticks.
This home has been my totality,
every board and all the bricks.
Throw away my secrets,
we'll need a bag just for those,
and I hope I won't have to repeat this,
but I don't want those stains on my clothes.
The woman makes the threads anyways, I suppose.

It'll be the last time that I close that door,
on those twenty-four years before,
it gave me warmth and so much more,
when I was stranded it was my shore,
home is where the heart is, so says the lore.

Put away my memories,
in a box that's labeled "fragile,"
'cause even though they'll lift with ease,
I'd prefer for them all not to pile.
Throw away the forgotten fights,
the ones that always left the scars.
Make sure to only bring the nights,
with the brightest moon and stars,
but they won't fit into such small cars.

It'll be the last time that I close that door,
on those twenty-four years before,
where I sat dazed on the floor,
feeling high enough to soar,
home is where the heart is, but I'm lacking that core.

Store away my personality,
the one that fits me like a glove,
all the things that compile of me,
and illustrate all the things I love.
Throw away the parts of me that are broken,
I don't think I'll ever long for them,
but wait, maybe I've just misspoken,
cause that's the root of my twisted stem,
even a damaged jewel is still a gem.

It'll be the last time that I close that door,
on those twenty-four years before,
and there won't be twenty-four more.
It'll be the last time that I close that door,
I have no idea what's now in store,
home is where the heart is, but my chest is bruised and sore.

So say goodbye to Tower,
a street where once I walked each path,
where I knew each tree and flower,
and love's bliss and heartbreak's wrath.
Also say farewell to family,
well essentially it's only the dwelling,
but I don't know what life has planned for me,
as with the future there is no telling.

It'll be the last time that I close that door,
on those twenty-four years before,
there won't be twenty-four more.
It'll be the last time that I close that door,
I'll open a window to even the score,
home is where the heart is, but the beats feel like a chore.

i breathe you out to breathe myself in,
i love the sun, i love the rain, i love wind,
the pain i feel is what is setting me free,
it hurts, it kills, i feel sick, i feel weak,
everytime i focus on you, i'm not focusing on me,
i want you, i want you to save me,
but you cannot save me, i need to save myself,
i feel sick, i feel like i'm going to be sick,
if i *****, will that get rid of the pain,
i'm shaking, i can't breathe, i miss you,
but i'm missing an even bigger part of me

i want to be sick, i want to let it all out, my stomach hurts, my soul is being ripped apart, i feel ill,
i cannot accept you because i do not accept me,
i want your touch to heal me, i want your kisses, i want to feel your love, i just want to hear your reassuring words and your voice to calm the hurt,
but i can't rely on you anymore, i have to be by myself, i have to do some work

i want to cut you off, i want to cut you out,
like a disease in my body, i want rid of you,
i want the memories to fade and i want the hurt to stop, i want to lie down, i want to give up

i thought loving you would mean i would find myself, but that couldn't be further from the truth, please don't let me go, i can't handle this pain, i can't handle losing you forever again

i know i have to go to the darkness to find the light,
it's a tiny little photon of light, but it'll be my guide, i keep wanting you, oh how my heart aches,
i pine for your touch to soothe me again, but i do not love myself, i am so weak but this too shall pass

you were my bestfriend and now you are no longer my lover,
i have to love myself now, even with the sickness in my body, i will find the strength, attachment made me believe it was love, i'm just sorry it wasn't

you have shown me so much but i am still lacking,
i am here for you,
but i cannot cover this up and carry on like nothing has happened,
we do not work as a team when we lack love for ourselves,
i'm hurting, please pain get out

i'm letting you go now like a child lets go of a balloon, i may want the idea of you back but this pain made me accept it is over forever.

a child yearning for their parent’s touch, flinching at the grasp of anyone else’s

never introduced to kindness nor stability --- a child will seek comfort in forms outside human possibility

the bottom of a bottle, the inscription on a pill, the smoke of a substance

people never wanted a child and the child does not need people

Thoughts and emotions,
growing like a plant.
Taking root,
inside my very heart.

It is this habit, this very thing,
which makes me attached to things outside me.
Friends and enemies, words and things.
The stresses which everyday life will bring.

It grows and grows,
as we feed it daily.
From a small sum,
to a massive tally.

This giant tree, grown from a sapling.
Is the sum of all feelings I invested within it.
Massive like the rising sun,
to uproot it, is harder than severing the horizon.

Thus control over this thing,
hard as it is.
As it forces you to feed it,
again with impunity.

Yet one day this tree,
becomes another ****.
******* the life forces from within thee.

At this point it's pointless,
the resources needed, endless.
There comes a time,
where we learn a lesson.

That some things when sown must eventually be reaped,
Not all things should be kept, lest we finally keel.

Pointless and meaningless,
an endless task to be done.
Eventually all things, must come undone.

i can't write anymore.
i go fishing for words in a dried up lake
and lose the thoughts at the sight of you.
you.
you envelop even the empty spaces, of course
when i can't write i think of you.
i think it's because I know it will never be as beautiful.

this will be my downfall
the thunder in my head
has struck the trees
and the leaves
fall to the ground
from its quake.

it disrupts every
******* aspect of my
life. my spine
shakes at your power,
my shoulders slump
at your warmth. your
hands have stripped every part of my
identity. you rebuild
me again. I cannot
write because your eyes
don't allow me.
your lips are
my prison and my liberation

your hand around my throat is your claim and my closure
i know you never wanted to posses my and my ***** soul
but truly i am nothing without your tightening grip
just a pet to your words your voice your body
yours.
it is all I am.
I cannot write for I am no long a being.
Just the creation of a God.
just a babydoll who listens
a girl who obeys
a child with closed eyes

is this love
or is this rebirth

Desire, attachment, craving
From attachment stems desire and craving
I am attached to you
So therefore I crave your attention
It's funny
Why do I crave your attention so much
What is it about you?
Why do I crave your approval
Why do I so desperately want you to be proud of me
Believe in me
See me
Why?

Is it because I craved this from my father?
Do I transfer that unmet need onto you?
But what is it about you?

You are driven and succesful as my father was
And you have a vice just as my father did
yet you are different
I trust you in a way I never trusted my father

How do I slay this need within me?
How do I meet it from within?
How do I love you without needing something from you?
How do I release my desire for you and all that you represent?

By stepping into my own power
And finally admitting and letting go of my need for my father.