It is painful to love you
Your face
Your brightness
Your energy
Your sensitivity
Your playfulness
Your aliveness
Your curious questioning way of being in the world
I could never get inside you
Never felt you open to me fully
Never felt able to open to you fully
I so wanted to
In *** we could
I believe I am everything you could want
At the station
I thought you saw me
Thought we were playing hide and seek
Then I looked again
You were chatting and laughing with the coffee girl
I had your attention and then I didn't
Another had it instead
I felt worthless in that moment
Confused and young
Having to wait whilst you flirted
It wasn't ok for me
Unable to name my hurt
Unable to grasp what I felt in that moment
Ashamed and embarrassed
I said nothing
But inside it hurt
I don't quite understand why
But I recognize this place
It is a familiar feeling for me with you
When I email you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that emails
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers
There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally
It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts
You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel
May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control
You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all