STOP; Take your clothes off, it'll be okay, I swear, I'll climb on top
DROP; I don't want to get naked, I'm innocent! I refuse, please stop!
& ROLL; No one will believe you, you're too young;
And they will look at me and think "he's way too old"

STOP; Do as your told and none of this will hurt; I'll be gentle, now get on top
DROP; I don't want to be under you, I don't want to be above you, please, stop!
& ROLL; DO AS YOU'RE TOLD LITTLE GIRL, I'll treat your body like a piece of gold
None of it will hurt if you just obey! But I don't want to be on your pole!

STOP; STOP FUSSING, turn around and lay on your stomach;
Take your shorts and pull them down, if I do it, I won't stop
DROP; Why are you doing this to me?? What did I do to deserve this? PLEASE STOP!!
&ROll; I'm getting sick and tired of listening to you cry and whine,
So shut up and do as you're told!

Been through this with so many different men, I swear they're all the same
I told people, but no one listened because I was too scared to give up their names
So now, I suffer with complex ptsd, and undiagnosed adult ADHD
nightmares that wake me up and cause severe social anxiety,
Forever broken, forever wounded, never healing, forever ******* up mentally
I became an addict for the longest time because of this abuse, especially sexually
I was self harming, trying to overdose, trying to run away;
But with nowhere to run, and no one to tell,
because no one believed anything I had to say

I'm healing now but only as a recovering addict
I turned lesbian for a while and that only covered up the pain
With a woman I really didn't know who she was, pretending with a smile
Swore to myself that I was done and over anything or anyone with a ****!
But here I am, finding myself loving someone who took me away from all this
Someone who treats me like the person I deserve to be, the person I need to be
So how come I'm trapped in this mental spiral of all my wrong doings?
Of all my past relationships and all my past abusers?
They wreck havoc in my mind like the sinking titanic ship
Oh god, those nights where I just wanted to hang myself with my very own whip

STOP; Don't let anyone take control over you! SCREAM AND SHOUT STOP!!
DROP; Don't let someone tell you that it's okay, it's normal, it's fun,
KICK THEM SQUARE IN THEIR NUTS AND RUN WHILE YELLING HELP HELP HELP!!
GET THIS MAN AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE HIM STOP!!
& ROLL; NEVER ONCE AGAIN WILL I BE HUSHED, SHUSHED, OR THREATENED NOT TO TELL,
Because everything that's in the dark eventually comes to light,
and that will be the day that these stories come out and are told!!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

Now I understand how relationships oftentimes made me stop progressing and growing. I tried to stay the same deliberately because I was afraid they would stop loving me if I changed.

and if one day
you decide to stop calling
i’ll still be leaving my phone
with the sound on
for the night

blood rushes under my skin
as you leave me in a panic
my eyes blur at the sight of you leaving me
alone, again
stuck in this heat.
I could do without the teasing
but I see it has no meaning

It is familiar but new
like visiting an old park
where you are my new swing
and I am sitting where I always sit
wrapped around another finger

but even at this desk we are too close together
you say little and I fear I say too much
you study stats as I study the way you sigh,
how you look away when you talk,
and how tired you look right now.

I will stay because  
I feel something strange when we embrace
These funny feelings
I chase them down and try to label
but all I can do it stare
and wonder.

In my world
Your absence is an offensive crime
As my heart is under arrest
And only your presence can bail me out

Lost and lonely I drift

Wandering through hazy days

Looking for the chubby little fingers

That used to tug me around with laughter

Attachment tear you from inside,
Leaves your heart nowhere to hide.
Introverted, deeply twisted within,
Lonely yet fine, a world kept thin.

Used by people, trusted in vain,
Sadness flows, but not like pain.
Loneliness, a silent, constant friend,
Attachment breaks what time won’t mend.

It cuts you deep, it takes so long,
To heal, to move, to feel strong.
One person can turn your world to gray,
Their absence, a shadow that won’t stray.

You think of them, though they don’t care,
Their indifference more than you can bear.
Trying and trying, you seek to let go,
Yet thoughts of them forever flow.

Why obsess when the future’s bleak?
Their apathy shows the truth you seek.
I wish to be cold, unfeeling, free,
Yet attachment keeps imprisoning me.

Yet in this pain, a truth I find,
To love myself, to clear my mind.
Attachment tears you from inside,
But healing mends what’s pushed aside.

I'm happy on green grass and blue sky above me, peace.
Remembering the day I cried, to day I crawled, day I walked it's all imagination.
Imagination is option when I know I did it but I can't remember but my attachments remember.
Every phase has attachment which is unbothered and undefined yet there.
When sky above me tells how free it is and grass below me tells me how lively it is, I understood it not just me but people around me makes me what I am.
The simple smile to heartfelt cry
To be cautious yet cheerful
Clumsiness and acceptance coming handy.
It's all attachments around me giving me.
I'm alone yet the memories starts the talk.
Someday the attachments may get to rigid.
To be ready for, that feeling is also important.
To confine the self-respect above all and everything even if it's special attachment.
So, the attachments are below me and self-respect is sky high.