Finally
I can wake up in the morning
And be okay.

And not just... Okay....
Really.
Okay.

OCD is still an
Unwelcome
Visitor

The self loathing
Is still here,
Sometimes,

But I'm really okay.
I work a 9-6 job,
Sleep regular

Talk to boys,
Argue and talk back,
Get tired

My problems aren't gone.
They're still
Very much present

But,
I'm dealing with them,
Finally

"Even today, I have a lot of trouble figuring out if I’m hungry or not. I often can’t tell until I’m starving. I don’t trust those little inklings of hunger I have before the starving stage, since anything outside of mealtime is supposed to be quelled by a ******* piece of fruit.

Over time, [I was taught] that I should decide what to eat with my brain, not my stomach. So eventually, my stomach just gave up."

How can it be? She whispered in silence.
That I have allowed my body, my temple, to be denied of the very things in existence that it needs to survive.

i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
i want to be
only bones and skin
i want people to worry
when i walk by
i want people to wonder
how i'm still alive
i don't eat for six days
and feel guilty on the seventh
i purge for three more
and binge on the eleventh
i wish you would worry
i wish you would care
if you don't, one day
you won't see me there
i'll die of starvation
messed up, insane, wrong
but you won't even notice
that i am long gone

New year,
New me.
Or,
At least that's the idea,
Right?

I haven't really told anyone...
I've been counting calories,
Starving.
Working out.
It needs to stop,
I guess.

I'll figure it out.

New year New me.

Sounds nice.

Nibble nibble, crunch crunch
the story of a godforsaken
hungry bunch

'What's for dinner?'
You ask me you sinner!

How dare you?
Now,
go take a bow

I demand
you take no more
otherwise
you will be sore

Don't feel annoyed
against this void
you're just like any other humanoid

So go ahead,
crawl into bed

Who knows,
tomorrow
you might already
be

Dead.

If I think harder do I burn more calories

Does being hot or cold burn more calories

Silent night time exercise

how many calories in
           lexapro
           ibuprofen
           air
           saliva

how many calories did Auschwitz prisoners eat

is diy liposuction possible

what body parts can you live without

could they have poured calories in this water

how to give myself the flu

can thinking about food make you fat

how much does a finger weigh

Im not overweight
But I feel huge
I'm a balloon filled with cement
Large and heavy
I only see round
I want to be little
Petite
Dainty
Underweight
I want a sharp jaw line
So sharp
I could carve off the pounds
Collar bones so deep
They could hold every tear
Shed while on a scale
Concave stomach
Filled up with water
Like the kind from the pool
Where I'm too fat to attend
I wish I could put the gender wage gap between my thighs
I want my bmi and my 7th grade age
To be the same number
But instead I'm large...

eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it