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Eleanor May 2021
He's made this easier on me
He's not who I thought he was
I can't mourn him
He's not the man I knew
He's not the man I loved
He's not the man who touched my heart
I love who I believed him to be
I will love the love he gave to me

I need to start believing people when they show me who they are

I have learned so much

But I can't stand to not be believed when I tell the truth
I can't stand to be disrespected because someone is hurt

I can't stop time
I can't stop behavior
or actions

But I can take myself out of the equation

I will find peace and I will heal.
What an unbelievable night
Eleanor May 2021
I wrote nothing immediately after our break up.

He texted me ten hours later.
He messaged me in the morning and he said he needs to talk again.
He's said so much to me

My bed is empty without him
At one time he said we should live together

He cried in front of me yesterday

He said who knows, maybe we would have ended up together forever

He wiped the tears from his eyes.
I wanted to kiss his tears from his cheeks.

I want him so badly to be happy and content.
Even if that means he's not with me.

He said he hasn't cried like this in three years.

He said we jumped into things.
But the feelings have always been there.

They are still there.
So we will talk tomorrow,
he doesn't want "to do anything without" me

He says he loves me
Asked me to marry him today
I laughed
He said "and you think I'm joking"

I have to take it as a joke
for I will break if I do not.
Eleanor May 2021
I want to watch you brush your teeth in the bathroom mirror every night.
Eleanor May 2021
I am a fun house
I am an obstacle course
I am a trophy with legs
I am a figure of lust
I am a house of embarrassment
I am tormented inside

Why do I live
Why don't I hide
Eleanor May 2021
He told me it's getting hard to deal with

I am the one who has not stopped crying

You don't know what hard to deal with even means
Eleanor May 2021
He grabs my waist and pulls me in
He tells me words like
“You’re so thin”
He touches underneath my shirt
He calls me sweet things
And whispers ***** words
He kisses my forehead and my neck
He praises me, says I’m the best

And so I smile
And I wait awhile

Praying for the return

of a girl stronger than me
Does this body belong to the girl I thought it did? I’ve lost my sense of self.
Eleanor May 2021
I can’t bring myself to listen to the songs I once loved before
Like I can’t bring myself to reopen every wound I thought was closed
Like I can’t stare at the same art without picking each detail apart
There is love here I am afraid to lose
And I don’t know where to start

How does one mend an ever-breaking broken heart
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