If I think harder do I burn more calories

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Silent night time exercise

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           ibuprofen
           air
           saliva

how many calories did Auschwitz prisoners eat

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Im not overweight
But I feel huge
I'm a balloon filled with cement
Large and heavy
I only see round
I want to be little
Petite
Dainty
Underweight
I want a sharp jaw line
So sharp
I could carve off the pounds
Collar bones so deep
They could hold every tear
Shed while on a scale
Concave stomach
Filled up with water
Like the kind from the pool
Where I'm too fat to attend
I wish I could put the gender wage gap between my thighs
I want my bmi and my 7th grade age
To be the same number
But instead I'm large...

eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it

Today I saw you
For the first time in 10 days
I was filled with nerves and anxiety
But also peace and a lightness
Its hard to explain
Much like our relationship
But you asked the question
That i guess had been playing on your mind
For 10 days
I was almost had peace with it
Which is more then i had been in months
How is your eating
You asked
And i didnt lie
I answered,every day apart from 2
But the 2 werent together
And it was easy
But i knew the question would come
I knew you would look and see
If i had lost
Or if i had gained
And i dont know how to tell you that i only reason i didnt give in,
Is because i didnt want to **** up
Bacuse you werent there
I didn't have you to hide behind
And cover for me
Which i know you do
Because it was all on me.
But now i can feel the old ways talking again
So how do i tell you that im so far from okay
But happy i can fool you now

I wonder how much longer I can go on like this
When is sick sick enough
I know im not right
I know I need help
But I fight with myself on how bad I really am
In my world 60kg isnt low enough
Whats wrong with 55kg?
Is a day without food guilt enough to have some the next?
Or will I yet again draw that blade across to remind myself that I gave in?
When is enough enough?

I live life on the end of a yo-yo string.

One moment high in the sky,
My strings neatly wrapped away where they can’t get tangled, where they can’t get beaten and battered and torn by open air,

The next moment spinning so fast I can’t tell what’s real, toes brushing puddles I come closer to with every swing, strings on display for the world to see until I can find it in me to wrap it all up again.
And I know that one day my strings will wear thin, they will snap, and I will sink.

One day, when I go down, I will not come back up.

Have I succeeded?
As I sit in the kitchen,
Surrounded by sensation and temptation,
Bread and milk and cheese and
Everything I’ve tried to leave
Behind and I don’t eat,
Sipping on the mug of tea in front of me,
Ignoring pangs of hunger, telling me
I can’t go on much longer...
Have I succeeded?

if it hurts
you’re doing it right.

graceful arms, girls.

pointed feet.

plié, plié…
first position, long legs, extend your necks- yes, that’s right.





i just wanna look like a ballerina again.

How she moved so carelessly
when touched by the evening breeze
she sparkled like the light ***** in the night sky
however, I heard the anguish in her laugh
she consistently kissed me like it was her last kiss
danced as if it was her last dace
lived as if it was her last night
fascinated by everything
but I was only fascinated by her
how tiny her fingers were around her cigarette
how her bones looked like
they were about to leave her body
I never understood
But as she took off
Her bones became stardust
longing to get home
now I understand
that she never was supposed to be here with me
god had other plans for my angel