There are nightmares
growing in me.
There are mirrors
where my reflection
is your face.
And they do not look at me
but through me.
In your eyes
I see the dream
that was almost mine.

We hung out once,
we hung out twice.
I must say it was quite nice.

So out we went
To try our luck
Romance was on our side,
And we laughed a lot.

But time grows thinner,
And elsewhere I must be.
As the days go I see
"The winner"
Is something I'll never be.

Love needs our time
Love needs our hope
Makes us vulnerable
Makes us cope

I gave my hope
Searching for a way to cope
Tried to be vulnerable
But did it work? Nope.
Why? Time, my time, my lack of time.

And so now you see,
Why I cry.
I had you
And I lost you
Before I ever had you.
We call this: "The point of almost loving".
And it's unholy beau:
"leaving".

There's power to the almost
To the action of leaning in but containing yourself enough to avoid
There's power to letting go
To prioritizing what's rightful,
Instead of focusing on what felt wrong
To put your feelings aside,
To focus on disciplining your mind
There's power to not allowing yourself to even imagine it
To soak up all the knowledge acquired through time and its period
And rather than act as a hero, to dodge the bullet

I want to pour every thought, every feeling, absolutely every single **** thing ever into you.
I want to throw the shutters open wide, share with you my treasure, and welcome you into my home.
I want to be the cause of your laughter lines, the anchor you depend on in the storm, anything and everything you ever asked God for.

But every time I see you coming my way, something
prettier
shinier
better
will capture your attention,
and you are lost to me all over.

I didn’t know you’d be here
dressed in jeans and a jacket unlike what you used to wear
I know those glasses perched on your nose
used to bump my nose ridge against them
as I pecked you on the cheek

unconsciously I straighten up
leaning against a granite bar
sipping champagne I’ve never liked
smiling my brightest smile even as it falters at the edges

I used to down 3 coffees
at 3am in the airport waiting for you
always the first one to greet your jetlagged laugh
airline food packets crinkling as we hug

this time you’re here without warning
possibly still drowsy from your flight
talking with the people we have left before
swirling the dark wine in your glass
the tiredness in your bones anything but evident

almost on habit my mind races
a thousand conversation starters I may never use
my nails clinking against glass
a free hand fidgeting with the rings on my finger

it has been a while
that much I can admit
and I barely remember what it was like
to stroke your hair in the taxi as you slept
or how you would scarf down a plate of pancakes within moments
or the way your hands would wave around as you talked

and ultimately I can say it’s been too long
as I pass my thumb over the silver of a wedding band
thinking of the promise engraved into its inside
and how the vows I made before having this
were too much like what I promised you

your voice loud and clear in my mind
timezones away and yet still so ecstatic as I told you the news
you swore to come back for the big day
hours into the night spent talking about how that was everything
about the blue flowers I wanted
and the cake I’ve always looked at from afar

then only a few weeks before
you tell me about how you couldn’t come
work was hectic and you couldn’t afford to lose a week
and I understood
yet I couldn’t help the stab I felt
so I pushed that down and smiled even if you couldn’t see it

on the day
I still looked for you
and your gentle urge for me to come forward with the swell of the music
I knew you wouldn’t be there
and yet a part of me hoped

when they played a video message from you
I couldn’t stop the tears
and I was streaking my face and my clothes
but it didn’t matter
you were almost a world away
but it felt like you were right there
snow falling all around you but your smile unfaltering in its warmth

and there you are
right across from me in this cramped room
and yes I’ve told you about nearly everything
from my kid to a new job to a reunion concert you should’ve gone to with me
yet I still hesitate to start anything
with you almost within arm’s reach

I gulp down more of the pale fizz
steeling my nerves as I decide
I of all people should talk with you
no matter what the years or the miles have done to us
for I may not have a chance like this soon

my steps are unsure but too quick to rethink
you don’t see me approach and that gives me a moment to breathe
before I tap your shoulder and you turn around
your face lit up more than the Christmas tree in the corner

your arms wide open before I know it
and my body leaning forward because it knows where it belongs
it’s a marvel how we still fit into each other’s spaces
almost our own universe away from everyone else
silent despite the thunder of our hearts

we pull away and still it feels like I’m home
with the laughter bubbling in our chests
and how could I forget
those eyes that are almost exactly like mine
ones I see every day in my reflection
a comfort I didn’t know I missed

after a while of more chit chat
we break away from the hustle of the people we barely know now
our glasses empty and on a table somewhere
there is enough in our systems to warm the chill of the night
and enough to make us stumble and giggle as we step away
leaving the music and the low lights
in favor of the moon and the calm

we lean against the railings of a terrace
talking about everything and nothing
with you first asking about the child you haven’t seen apart from the pictures
and me injecting questions about the place you’ve just moved in
I keep looking at the dark blanket of sky above us
and even as I nearly catch your gaze on me several times I don’t let you know
and my heart is as calm as ever
but for some reason I feel flowers bloom in the forgotten spaces between my ribs

somewhere between the last notes of a song thumping through the floor
and a light rain kissing our skin
your hand almost wanders into mine
as if it remembers too
how everything fits when it comes to us
but I see you pull back
snapping out of your thoughts and back into the reality
of who we are now and what we have
and what we lost

you ask me if it’s time for me to go
and it is but I don’t admit that out loud
so I say that I can stay for a while longer
and I am reminded of how beautiful you are under soft light
as your face breaks into an almost-smile

so there we stay
nothing more to say
as we understand each other beyond what any words can do
I keep thinking of how you will have to leave soon
and I know that this time
I will miss you even more

not sure if I will still be able to meet your sleepy eyes when you come home
not sure if I will still talk to you as often as I have since our timezones permitted it before but not now
not sure if any of our smiles will remain as the years take its toll on us
not sure if anyone will ever truly know me the way you did

I cave and say that maybe I should really go
you respond with a nod and an automatic stretching of arms
I settle into them one last time
steal a peck on your cheek and bump my nose ridge against your glasses
and I slip away knowing that we will find our way again
because that is what we have always done.