when The Hurting is not tangible enough
& I am not done letting Sorrow
pick at my bones
I will reread conversations from before
That Relationship fell apart
& scroll through old photos
from before the Third Attempt
& Sadness will cradle me
in the dead space between late night & early morning
where the What Ifs & the Could Haves
track me down
I guess I fell for you
because you made my heart jump
long after the Time of Death was pronounced.
You invaded my numbness
after I'd promised myself to apathy.
But a broken promise never was any good
for building a foundation
these scenarios are stuck on loop in my head
my palm full of pills,
& The Orange Bottle of Liberation, now empty
as I fall asleep
The squealing of tires on tar as glass shatters
& I become one with the street
so many ways to stop being
what do you mean these thoughts aren't normal?
this is all my brain plays
on loop, on loop, on loop
is addicted to something
& this body
seems to love
& pain -
quite the commotion
to encourage a reaction
just to distract
from the silence
Maybe brains get addicted to emotions just like they do to other substances and that's why this memory that makes me sick keeps plaguing my mind over and over and over and
It was by intense calculation
and silent determination
that I planned to exit in peace.
Suicide could not be an accident
or result from lack of judgement;
spontaneous disasters never bring relief.
I searched and pondered a different strategy
each & every day.
You can't say I wasn't dedicated.
I was set on finding a miracle to end me - my way.
It seemed obvious & much too simple
to sleep my way to death,
but the glaring orange bottle enchanted me into captivity
& slowly stopped my breath.
People might talk about how I left & talk they may.
Their words mean nothing when all they had were excuses
to avoid seeing both me
and my pain.
our souls struggled
to share the spotlight,
when our demons danced,
it made the very sky jealous;
we were stars brighter than any night had known before.
"Just a little longer to get through."
I understand you're trying to encourage and be kind,
but these words you're spouting at me
aren't anything new.
This "revelation" you've given me
tried to take root in my soul, as words do,
but they shriveled up dry
& the rejection left a nasty bruise.
For growth demands light & water & love,
but I've been long out of those,
so although your push to borrow tomorrow's happiness is tempting,
that's how people end up in debt, as the universe knows.
When we use things unearned
& take what's not ours with empty promises of repayment,
the heart shrivels under the weight of the endless torment
which is the Happiness Debt.