Why aren’t you here?
I feel like screaming
If I ever had a chance the words would disappear,
You’re never going to be close enough to hear me,
You must have blocked me out long ago
And now all I’m doing is disrupting myself,
Maybe it’s you that’s giving me ill health.

It’s okay, I don’t mean it,
I could say I know it’s my fault
But then something stops me,
The fact it is not,
You left me, you deserted without ever existing to me,
Yet I have to exist just because you decided?
I don’t care how you put it,
You weren’t there and “nothing being fair”
Is supposed to make that all okay again.
It was never okay to begin with.

Maybe I could have been enough,
How would you know?
You never gave me a chance to try,
So when I feel like trying, I push all this distraught energy upon myself,
I doom myself to days of playing to lose,
Because what is the use?
I blame it on you, then I blame it on me,
Even though deep down I know it’s not really
My fault because you did this to me,
How could I have hurt you?
Just some innocent cells that you’d already decided
Were too much for you.

Or I make different scenarios,
All of them painful and none profound,
So I can spread this blazing blame,
Across two people who
Will probably never feel shame about it,
I let my mind drift to an alternate universe,
Where maybe you could’ve been good,
Just a little, although I feel ashamed
To let myself immerse in such pointless activity,
In an alternate universe I wouldn’t be deserving anyway,
But it’s all pent up, and I say it’s how you’ve made me feel,
But what if it’s just me?
What if the whispers are right and it is my fault?
Maybe you were always better off
Without me and that’s why you’re not here,
Because you should never have been weighed down by me,
So well done, congratulations
Because you know you never were,
You must’ve got your happy ending,
While I’m still here waiting
To feel like I can love someone
Even if your ever there space may have broke me.

I tell myself I don’t want him,
I tell myself,
I tell myself
But then I cry so hard
Going in reverse to a place that I’ve never yet been.

It’s supposed to get easier,
That’s what they tell you,
But this is only ever weighing heavier.
I could try to be what I imagine you’d have wanted,
But why should your mistakes make me feel ashamed?
And because of my existence I never
Want to give you what you want.

I guess I should hide the anger from my eyes,
But why prevent it when all you feel is volatile and pathetic?
Complaints when I hold it in and accusations when I don’t,
Sometimes I feel I should just hold kindness for myself.

When I have time I feel exhausted,
Later I feel like a failure to have let him win again:
It shouldn’t matter,
It shouldn’t matter.
They’d probably tell me negative affirmations don’t work,
Except to me they’re stating positives.
I’m trying to make it okay,
I’m trying to be better.

Always, I say, I don’t want him
And now his nonexistent thoughts won’t go away,
It must be my fault for becoming upset because really he’s done nothing
(Even if I can’t claim that without my own blood boiling),
Teasing myself with non-realities, with fairytales and broken dreams of a type of heaven I will never see.

My small voice murmurs,
“I want it, please.”
My brain tells me it would be better not to breathe.
In the dark it likes to help me,
Supporting in my self-destruction,
Simply because why shouldn’t it?
It’s a weapon I can use to back up anything no matter the relevance.
I’ve subtracted all the logical ways this could ever matter,
Yet it’s still here waiting for me to succumb,
Lately it gets pointless to want to hold back.
Nevertheless, with every single thought I have a defence
Because I never want anyone else to win,
I need to be ready,
I need to be able to show them all:
That this never meant a thing to me.

That just wouldn’t make sense,
To admit such sacrificial things
When I shouldn’t be the one to feel bad,
So no, just because I know it’s his fault,
Does not mean his absence hurts me.

It’s all just softly (painstakingly) nonexistent to me.