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Apr 2017 · 485
Not A Poem
Stephanie White Apr 2017
I can only hope that one day I'll stop hurting but I don't know when that day will come. I know a lot of people don't believe teenagers when they say they have depression, those people usually believe it's just for attention or that it's a phase. Maybe even hormones. Depression is a real and very serious thing, it affects a persons whole perspective on life. They feel worthless, tired, unwanted... It goes on all day long. Some have it worse than others but these people need help, they may deny it but they need it. Depression can make the simplest of things the biggest struggle, like walking, talking, eating. You become lifeless, you lose interest in things you once loved. Not many people understand, one minute I could be okay and smiling. The next I'm lost in my thoughts, stuck in a world of pain. I know it's difficult to understand how someone feels but just be there for those you know who are not okay. I have my rock, he keeps me strong. He helps me walk, talk, and eat when I can't do it anymore. He understands. People don't need counselors or medicine, we need love and care. We need to be understood and listened to. I am not seeking attention with this post, I am simply speaking my mind. I am not looking for sympathy either, I know what I have and I live with it everyday and it makes me stronger for doing so. Thank you if you did actually read all of this, and goodnight.
Feb 2017 · 622
A Day In My Head
Stephanie White Feb 2017
A day in my head,
Is a life in hell.

I look at my mother,
the woman who has always been there,
and all I feel is hatred.
She loves me, right?
Her sweet voice rings in my ears,
But my thoughts cloud over..
Turning that sweet voice into a twisted monster.
Like a fog shrouding her true form.

"You're so amazing!"
She's lying, you're pathetic.
"I'm so proud of you!"
Nope. You can't be proud of a failure.
"I love you!"
No she doesn't, she hates you.

Why must I think this way?
Because you know it's true.

I overhear conversations...
"Oh my god, did you see her? She is so fat."
They're talking about you,
they don't even know you,
and they think you're fat.
Stop eating

"She's so ugly, there is no way anyone
could find her attractive."
Oh, that sounds as if it was directed at you.
No sense in fighting, it is true.


My fiance...
He is so perfect.
You don't deserve him.
He tries to help me,
Sometimes it works.
His love alone can clear the fog.

I look in the mirror,
And examine my body.
Noticing every unwanted scar,
every unwanted stretch mark.

Ew you gained weight.
Look at your stretch marks.
No, you're beautiful.
He doesn't think that, you're disgusting.
You're perfect the way you are.
You have scars, fat, acne, you are flawed.
I love you more than anything.
No one loves you.
You are my now.
"And I am your forever."

Those bad thoughts try to come back through,
But for now,
He has cleared the fog.
Jan 2017 · 296
Smile
Stephanie White Jan 2017
I never thought I could have a smile so wide and true...
But that was until I met you.

Everyday was the same process of plastering on a fake smile...
But that was until I met you.

It was always so hard to keep that smile and those bright eyes...
But that was until I met you.

Eventually I no longer had the strength to smile...
But that was until I met you.

As soon as I laid my eyes on you, my shy and broken smile finally started to become true again...
But that was when I finally met you.

Your smile was broken too, and covered with a mask of bad habits and false happiness...
But that was until I finally met you.

Our broken smiles came together to fix one another...
But that was when I finally met you.

Both of our smiles finally became whole again...
but that was when I finally met you.

I was finally able to find my true smile, within yours...
But that was when we fell in love.
Dec 2016 · 334
He's Gone...
Stephanie White Dec 2016
He's gone,
He's out of my life...

Other than his words.
"You're nothing."
"I wish I never had you."
"Why are you so stupid?"
"You're a worthless *****."
"I hate you."
"You'll never amount to anything."

But after I left...
I suddenly mean something.
"Please call me."
"I miss you."
"I love you."
"Please come home."
"I'm always here if you need me."
"I'm so proud of you."
"I need you."

Too little too late I'm afraid.
What about when you saw those fresh cuts?
You could have stopped me.
You could have saved me.
Helped me.
Instead you did one thing I never expected...
You laughed at me...

Did you notice your guns were moved?
Did you notice the bruises on my neck?
How about the bruises from you the night before?

Did you ever hear me crying?
I mean I heard you laughing at me when I couldn't get up off the floor.

Worst part of it all...
I still loved you.
I always did.
Even after each hit, every scream, every tear.

I still love you...
Do you love me?
Do you know what you did wrong?
Will you finally be my dad?

He's gone...
But so am I.
I can never be the same...

But neither can he.
Nov 2016 · 491
As I
Stephanie White Nov 2016
As all these cars drive by.. I sit here and wish one of them was yours.. So you could pick me up and take me away..

As I sit out here.. The cold nips my skin.. Making me crave your touch.. To make me warm again..

As I love you.. It only grows stronger.. With every minute I love you more..
So much it scares me..

As I sit and wait.. For that day to come.. Where we swap our vows.. I only wish for our little infinity.. And beyond.
Jul 2016 · 532
Empty
Stephanie White Jul 2016
Can I broken container hold anything?
Isn't that all we are?
A container?
Simply a thing to hold emotion.
It seems that I have been dented;
My corners, used for support, have been broken.
My lid, loosely fits from being washed too many times.
I have cracks from my knife slipping.
Now everything I hold just.. Falls out.
I have to wear long clothing in order to hold it all but it just soaks through.
No bandaid will fix it.
My cracks just grow bigger.
My dents have healed some.
But the one who caused them..
Should have been the one protecting me.
We were both containers.
I shared the burden.
And paid the price.
Now I am simply a piece of garbage left on the counter because everyone is too lazy to throw it away.
Jul 2016 · 1.4k
The Tree Dance
Stephanie White Jul 2016
The leaves rustling together, dancing in the wind.
The roots entangling, grabbing onto the earth.
The branches rubbing, staying up against gravity.
The trees dance is a unique one.
Neither slow or fast.
Neither graceful or clumsy.
But it is certainly one that must be witnessed.
Jul 2016 · 314
My purpose
Stephanie White Jul 2016
September 14th, 2014
I looked at you;
As you screamed at me, over a silly permit.
So I took a chance and asked you that burning question.
"What's more important to you, dad? Me or the alcohol?"
All you did was look at me.
You looked like you either wanted to **** me, or yourself.
That night, I left your stubborn hold.
Abandoned everything I knew.
Left everything that I loved.
I watched the street lights go by, blurred by the tears in my eyes.
The radio turned up to try and drown out my sobs.
To try and drown out the echo of your voice in my head.
You thought I was joking.
You thought it was just a teenage phase.
Did you know what you were doing?
The bruises you were leaving?
The things you would call me?
Ever since April 27th, 1999...
My life was a struggle.
You seemed to do everything you could to make it worse.
Why didn't you just **** me?
Why didn't I just **** me?
Little did you know...
My life was a struggle.
I almost quit.
But I am stronger than you will ever be.
No punch,
No slap,
No bruise,
No word,
Nothing will ever bring me down.
Especially not my own father.
Now thanks to you,
People can depend on me,
I can depend on me.
Because my purpose... Is to live.
Jul 2016 · 226
Lies
Stephanie White Jul 2016
Too many lies have touched my ears for 17 years of life.
"I'm busy."
"I'll be there in five minutes."
Sure some lies are normal.
"You're beautiful."
"You're so funny."
But next time,
"You're an amazing artist."
"You're so smart!"
Could you please
"I love spending time with you."
"You're a great person."
Just tell me the truth?
"I'll never leave you."
"I love you."
Apr 2016 · 302
Storytime
Stephanie White Apr 2016
Just here on the verge of tears.
Wondering when it'll go away.
If it'll ever go away.
I don't need it.
I want it.
Will I survive?
Probably.
Do I want to?
That's a different story.
Mar 2016 · 1.8k
So Tired
Stephanie White Mar 2016
I'm tired of pain.
I'm tired of waking up every morning think the same thing.
     "Will I do it today?"
     "What if I did do it today?"
     "No one would notice anyway."
I'm tired of missing the pain.
      I don't want the pain of a blade anymore.
      I don't want to miss /him/ but I do. I miss the pain he gave me.

I'm tired of remembering. Remembering why /he/ hit me. Why /he/ yelled at me. Why /he/ didn't love me.

I'm tired of fighting. All my life I've been fighting for myself and I no longer have the strength. I was never meant to fight on my own.

But yet... After all this...

I won't give up. Not until this feeling of being so tired is over.
I can't just quit...
Maybe one day.... It'll all be okay.
Aug 2015 · 983
Sudden Realization
Stephanie White Aug 2015
I've come to a realization. I have finally accepted who I am. For those of you who don't know, I used to self-harm. I would wake up everyday, see my scars and hate who I am. But I have stopped that horrible behavior and for the longest time still hated myself. Now, I can look at my scars and say that I don't regret them. They have made me into who I am today, and for once... I can look at myself and finally say I'm beautiful. I'm not saying this for attention, I'm saying it for those of you who've done the same thing or want to. All of you will eventually have the same realization even if it's in the next five minutes or the next five years. There's always hope. And just think, today is a new day, maybe today will be the day it all gets better.
Jul 2015 · 5.1k
Stroll Down Memory Lane
Stephanie White Jul 2015
You say stroll down memory lane,
I say revisiting the house of horrors.
To you, a simple memory.
To me, my worst nightmare.

It doesn't matter what time of day it is,
I'm still scared out of my mind.
It is currently 2:47 A.M and all I can think of is your smile.
Your straight and partially stained teeth have tainted my mind.

The way your appearance has changed over the years baffles me.
You used to be handsome, strong, and so caring.
Now, you've grown too thin along with your hair.
You went from bad to worse with the substance that took everything from you.

I hear you laugh from the good times we had.
I hear you scream from the bad times we had.
They both echo endlessly through my mind.
Is it bad that I can't tell which one I try to avoid more?

I miss the good times between us.
I used to cherish hearing you say you loved me.
Only because it was such a rare thing.
I can't remember what it sounds like coming from your throat.

What is a child supposed to do without a father?
You were my everything, but it seems I was not yours.
For you, your everything is the thing that'll end you.
I tried to save you but it seems you didn't want to be saved.

I fear that one day I'll forget the thinness of your hair and frame,
Too late for the feeling of your arms during an embrace.
Was it too much for you to hug me.

The eyes that I feared so much are now burned into the back of my mind.
How the whites of your eyes became more yellow each day.
How the once brown eyes are now an ugly greenish blue.
How the skin around them has sunken in.

Was I not enough?
What did I do wrong?
Was I not the daughter you wanted?
What did I do to make you treat me like that?

You act as if I hate you but that's not true.
In fact, it's the opposite, I love you.
I love you more than anything.
That's why I left, I gave up everything for you in hopes you would get better.

I guess it wasn't enough.
Nothing ever was.
Not even my scars.
I'll always love you, but I can't promise that I'll ever call you my dad again.
This one is obviously for my father. I'm running out of options on how to get over this ****.
Jun 2015 · 277
Like Death.
Stephanie White Jun 2015
Like Death, Life has stages.
Like Death, Life has a beginning and an end.
Like Death, Life can lie.
Like Death, Life can be cruel.
Like Death, Life has one rule.
It all ends at some point.
We don't know when that point will be but you need to live in th
Yes I did purposefully end it like that.
Jun 2015 · 2.3k
The Rain
Stephanie White Jun 2015
The rain that falls from my eyes is not a true rain.
The rain is not used to water gardens.
The rain is not used to quench the thirst of others.
The rain is simply a rain of relief.
A relief of release, no longer needing to hold back anymore.
I feel the rain fall down my cheeks.
I watch the rain fall on my scars.
Then more rain begins to fall as new ones are created.
This rain is not a storm nor is it a drizzle.
This rain is just simply there.
The rain that has rained a thousand times.
The rain is so much more than what can truly be described.
I cherish this rain for it does not come often.
The rain doesn't always come when called with a blade.
The rain sometimes just likes to come and visit.
So I allow it.
The rain will always be my friend.
i don't know what I was thinking. I had an idea but I think I ****** it up. :(
Jun 2015 · 600
No Longer.
Stephanie White Jun 2015
I will no longer let you control me.
I will no longer listen to you.
I will no longer believe what you say to me.
I will no longer do what you want me to.
I will no longer pretend to be happy when you're around.
I will no longer accept that I can't get away from you.
I will no longer carve a smile into myself just so I can be happy.
I will no longer hide away from everyone just to be with you.
I will no longer believe a blade is my only salvation.
I will no longer think death is the only way.
I will no longer call you my only friend.
So, I'm sorry depression but this is goodbye. So long dear friend, it wasn't fun, but I have a life and I intend on living it.
Goodbye, thank you for showing me what isn't worth doing in life.
But most of all, thank you for the experience.
With love, Stephanie Bracey.
May 2015 · 348
Why?
Stephanie White May 2015
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
......
.....
.....
Why not?
Stop asking why and start asking why not.
May 2015 · 568
We Remember
Stephanie White May 2015
We remember the days that brought us pain.
We remember the days that brought us pleasure.
We remember the days that brought us happiness.
We remember the days that brought us sadness.
We remember the days that brought us hate.
We remember the days that brought us love.
I remember the day the scars began.
I remember the day the pain didn't stop.
I remember the day where the pleasure seemed to disappear.
I remember the day where happiness seemed impossible.
I remember the day that sadness was my only friend.
I remember the day when hate was all I knew.
I remember the day... I fell in love.
May 2015 · 454
Your Voice
Stephanie White May 2015
Every minute of everyday of every week of every month of every year, all I hear is your voice. Your voice has driven me to the point of insanity, you are the reason I hate myself. The reason why I have scars. The reason why I want to die. I can't take it anymore, I thought if I left then the pain would go away but I was wrong.
Everyday I hear the names.
Stupid, *****, worthless, *******, useless, ******, and so many more I can't name them without a risk of having a breakdown.
Every week I feel the pain of the hits.
In my sides, back, thighs, and arms.
Every months I hear the old things.
I wish you were never born, I wish you would just leave.
So I did. But I still want to die.
Every year... I miss and love you even when I shouldn't... But what can I say... I'm a stupid worthless birth who should've never been born, right dad?
May 2015 · 335
The Blackout
Stephanie White May 2015
Darkness covers my vision, making me fear my own actions.
The actions I can't control.
The action of me picking up a blade, only for the light to come back as my lover walks in.
The action of me screaming at my lover, only for the light to come back the next morning.
Who I am can change and it scares me.
I don't know what to do.
I can't control myself anymore.
I need the pain.
I need the blade.
I need the blood.
I can't survive the blackout...
May 2015 · 782
Noises Of Life
Stephanie White May 2015
Cats say "meow, feed me punny human."
Dogs say "I love you, Master! Could you feed me please?"
Cows say "Moo, I'm a cow."
Ducks say "Quack, get the hell out of my way."
Bugs say "Oh look! A freshly cleaned car! Let me go explode my insides on it!"
Society says "You're fat, Go **** yourself, You're stupid. Ew, your thighs touch? That's nasty. Oh my god, your ribs aren't visible through your skin! What's wrong with you!?"
No one likes society, maybe society should just go **** itself rather than making us all hate ourselves.
May 2015 · 702
Society Vs Your Health
Stephanie White May 2015
I don't understand, according to society, the new look is your ribs poking out of your chest and having a thigh gap as wide as the grand canyon. Do people not realize that isn't healthy! I want to see curves, not the curvature of your bones! You don't need to lose a meal in hopes of being pretty, you don't need to cake your face with make up. Beauty is all about who you are, not about your skeleton or the brand of makeup you use. Beauty isn't forcing yourself to throw up, it's eating more healthy food and saying a big "*******!" to the few who try to call you otherwise. **** society, make your own standards.
May 2015 · 3.6k
Poptarts, Cereal, and Pepsi.
Stephanie White May 2015
There it is again, the craving.
I can feel it crawling under my skin.
The need to feed is too strong,
I can't move.
Not until I have it.
The poptarts put a dent in it,
But it's not enough.
The cereal, better,
It's coursing through my veins.
I can feel myself getting stronger.
The pepsi, it fuels me,
I can do everything now,
No one can stop me.
I will be satisfied for now, maybe an hour.
Then the urge will return and the cycle will start again.
This poem was about my mom because she has a problem.
May 2015 · 553
Mom
Stephanie White May 2015
Mom
I've noticed that the term "Mom" means so little to everyone now, they think "mom" just means "the woman who gave birth to me and tells me what to do."
I'm here to prove how wrong that is.
A mom is so much more than just some woman who controls you, wives and teachers do that too.
A mom is an angel with a shotgun, she can make you feel like you're up above the clouds, but she'll put you in your place to.
A mom is a soldier, she fights all of your battles right by your side and she'll never leave you behind if you fall or get hurt.
A mom is like a counselor you can do talk to about all of your problems and she'll never judge you.
A mom is the greatest friend you could ever ask for, she will gossip with you, go shopping with you, argue with you, laugh with you, and make sure you don't do anything stupid.
A mom is like a tiger, she's fierce, she can be scary, but she protects her cubs with her life and does everything she can for them.
I don't know about you but my mom is all of these things and so much more, I don't know where I'd be without her. But, I do know one thing for sure, she saved my life. Not only did she create it but she saved it.
I wish I could show her how much she means to me but I'm super bad at that kind of stuff.
So I keep trying to not be as much of a pain in her ***.
I wish everyone could have a mom like mine.
Everyone needs my mom to get them through life because she's the greatest mom I could ever ask for. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you more than you could ever know or even begin to imagine.
May 2015 · 304
The Feeling.
Stephanie White May 2015
I want to feel it again.
The pain.
I want to feel the blade cutting into my skin.
The Blood.
I want to feel it drip down my skin like rain drops.
The stains.
I want to see the blood stain my sleeves.
The scars.
I want to add to my story and create more marks on my body.
The tears.
I want to cry away the pain of regret.
The feeling.
I want to feel again.
May 2015 · 977
Maybe One Day
Stephanie White May 2015
Maybe one day it will all go away.
Maybe one day the pain will fade.
Maybe one day the scars will fade.
Maybe one day I will be okay.
Maybe one day I won't feel the need to cry.
Maybe one day I won't want to cut.
Maybe one day I won't want to feel pain.
Maybe one day I won't feel so lost.
Maybe one day I won't feel the need to push everyone away.
Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm nothing.
Maybe one day I will truly be happy.
Maybe one day I will be able to smile genuinely.
Maybe one day I can just forget.
May 2015 · 378
Depression
Stephanie White May 2015
Depression is like a never ending hallway with no light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, I see a small flicker but it quickly gets swallowed up by the darkness. It seems as if there is no end to this madness, I keep telling myself to keep going but I'm breaking... bit by bit, I can see the pieces of me just falling off. I try to pick them up but I always drop more. Then I see the darkness running towards me so I run, but I can't move. It has already captured me and is pulling me back with it, to never see the light again.. I will get out and find my way home. I have to.
May 2015 · 667
Observe, please.
Stephanie White May 2015
I don't understand. Are scars invisible? No? Then how come I have to tell people my story? My scars tell you everything you want to know about me. The way I walk, talk, how I dress. It's me. How I act. Everything I do should just scream what my life is like and what I have gone through. Sadly, people only look, they do not observe. If people would just take a few more seconds to really look at someone then they would truly know how to react and care for them. Not just let them fall back into their holes....
May 2015 · 484
Unbearable
Stephanie White May 2015
Why is it when someone is physically in pain they describe it as unbearable?
But yet, when someone is emotionally in pain they just say they are fine?
That is because the only people who have experienced unbearable pain have either ended their lives or try to hide what they have done.
The rest of us could never truly know unbearable pain until we just want it all to be over.
May 2015 · 2.2k
Pain
Stephanie White May 2015
Pain is easily remembered,
Love is easily forgotten,
But in order to have love,
You must have pain.
Love always causes pain,
Pain sometimes ends in love.
If  you want peace in life you
Must know that love delivers pain,
And pain is beaten with love.
Love and pain must coexist in order
To balance each other out.
May 2015 · 526
Like A Book
Stephanie White May 2015
Life keeps going,
The pages keep turning.
When does it end?
Everyone is like a book,
You have a cover,
You have your story,
But you have to keep writing.
Or else you'll never know how it ends.
People may rip your pages,
But all you have to do is
Tape them back together.
You may be a little damaged...
But for every book...
There's someone to read it...

— The End —