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Stephanie White Apr 2017
I can only hope that one day I'll stop hurting but I don't know when that day will come. I know a lot of people don't believe teenagers when they say they have depression, those people usually believe it's just for attention or that it's a phase. Maybe even hormones. Depression is a real and very serious thing, it affects a persons whole perspective on life. They feel worthless, tired, unwanted... It goes on all day long. Some have it worse than others but these people need help, they may deny it but they need it. Depression can make the simplest of things the biggest struggle, like walking, talking, eating. You become lifeless, you lose interest in things you once loved. Not many people understand, one minute I could be okay and smiling. The next I'm lost in my thoughts, stuck in a world of pain. I know it's difficult to understand how someone feels but just be there for those you know who are not okay. I have my rock, he keeps me strong. He helps me walk, talk, and eat when I can't do it anymore. He understands. People don't need counselors or medicine, we need love and care. We need to be understood and listened to. I am not seeking attention with this post, I am simply speaking my mind. I am not looking for sympathy either, I know what I have and I live with it everyday and it makes me stronger for doing so. Thank you if you did actually read all of this, and goodnight.
Stephanie White Feb 2017
A day in my head,
Is a life in hell.

I look at my mother,
the woman who has always been there,
and all I feel is hatred.
She loves me, right?
Her sweet voice rings in my ears,
But my thoughts cloud over..
Turning that sweet voice into a twisted monster.
Like a fog shrouding her true form.

"You're so amazing!"
She's lying, you're pathetic.
"I'm so proud of you!"
Nope. You can't be proud of a failure.
"I love you!"
No she doesn't, she hates you.

Why must I think this way?
Because you know it's true.

I overhear conversations...
"Oh my god, did you see her? She is so fat."
They're talking about you,
they don't even know you,
and they think you're fat.
Stop eating

"She's so ugly, there is no way anyone
could find her attractive."
Oh, that sounds as if it was directed at you.
No sense in fighting, it is true.

My fiance...
He is so perfect.
You don't deserve him.
He tries to help me,
Sometimes it works.
His love alone can clear the fog.

I look in the mirror,
And examine my body.
Noticing every unwanted scar,
every unwanted stretch mark.

Ew you gained weight.
Look at your stretch marks.
No, you're beautiful.
He doesn't think that, you're disgusting.
You're perfect the way you are.
You have scars, fat, acne, you are flawed.
I love you more than anything.
No one loves you.
You are my now.
"And I am your forever."

Those bad thoughts try to come back through,
But for now,
He has cleared the fog.
Stephanie White Jan 2017
I never thought I could have a smile so wide and true...
But that was until I met you.

Everyday was the same process of plastering on a fake smile...
But that was until I met you.

It was always so hard to keep that smile and those bright eyes...
But that was until I met you.

Eventually I no longer had the strength to smile...
But that was until I met you.

As soon as I laid my eyes on you, my shy and broken smile finally started to become true again...
But that was when I finally met you.

Your smile was broken too, and covered with a mask of bad habits and false happiness...
But that was until I finally met you.

Our broken smiles came together to fix one another...
But that was when I finally met you.

Both of our smiles finally became whole again...
but that was when I finally met you.

I was finally able to find my true smile, within yours...
But that was when we fell in love.
Stephanie White Dec 2016
He's gone,
He's out of my life...

Other than his words.
"You're nothing."
"I wish I never had you."
"Why are you so stupid?"
"You're a worthless *****."
"I hate you."
"You'll never amount to anything."

But after I left...
I suddenly mean something.
"Please call me."
"I miss you."
"I love you."
"Please come home."
"I'm always here if you need me."
"I'm so proud of you."
"I need you."

Too little too late I'm afraid.
What about when you saw those fresh cuts?
You could have stopped me.
You could have saved me.
Helped me.
Instead you did one thing I never expected...
You laughed at me...

Did you notice your guns were moved?
Did you notice the bruises on my neck?
How about the bruises from you the night before?

Did you ever hear me crying?
I mean I heard you laughing at me when I couldn't get up off the floor.

Worst part of it all...
I still loved you.
I always did.
Even after each hit, every scream, every tear.

I still love you...
Do you love me?
Do you know what you did wrong?
Will you finally be my dad?

He's gone...
But so am I.
I can never be the same...

But neither can he.
Stephanie White Nov 2016
As all these cars drive by.. I sit here and wish one of them was yours.. So you could pick me up and take me away..

As I sit out here.. The cold nips my skin.. Making me crave your touch.. To make me warm again..

As I love you.. It only grows stronger.. With every minute I love you more..
So much it scares me..

As I sit and wait.. For that day to come.. Where we swap our vows.. I only wish for our little infinity.. And beyond.
Stephanie White Jul 2016
Can I broken container hold anything?
Isn't that all we are?
A container?
Simply a thing to hold emotion.
It seems that I have been dented;
My corners, used for support, have been broken.
My lid, loosely fits from being washed too many times.
I have cracks from my knife slipping.
Now everything I hold just.. Falls out.
I have to wear long clothing in order to hold it all but it just soaks through.
No bandaid will fix it.
My cracks just grow bigger.
My dents have healed some.
But the one who caused them..
Should have been the one protecting me.
We were both containers.
I shared the burden.
And paid the price.
Now I am simply a piece of garbage left on the counter because everyone is too lazy to throw it away.
Home of the brave land of the-
246,6660,710 white americans
living in this country,
which accounts for 77% of our population
but Black Americans
only make up 13%
and somehow in 2015
were killed at a rate 5x higher than whites.

Lovely, wonderful free land of America
Where 37% of black americas
were killed by police in the year 2015.
And out of the 102 cases
of unarmed black men being killed
only 10 police were charged
only 2 were convicted.
Only one spent jail time-
one WHOLE year of weekend come and goes.

Oh America-
Where colleges would rather
cover up a ****, than catch a ******.
Where High Schools take pity
on abusers who play sports
or have a high social standing-
Where abusers don't get charged
because the girl they *****
was "intoxicated".
Where 4/5 of assaults are committed
by someone known to the victim.
44% of victims are under 18
and every 107 seconds another PERSON
is sexually assaulted
and 68% go unreported
and 98% of rapists will never spend a day in jail.
and I know I mentioned this in the last poem
but Brock Turner, I'm looking at you.
But not in the eyes-
I don't want you to think I want it or anything.

Where said white male ******
only gets two-six months in jail
and a man selling CDs in front of a gas station
gets four shots to the chest.
But instead of asking
why he got shot,
they pull up his criminal record-
because you guys, I thought you knew
committing a crime automatically
qualifies you for ******!
But the white rapists
swim record gets pulled up
his mug shot gets hidden
and his social stature gets him sympathy.
But some people see Alton Sterling's son
distraught on a TV screen and feel no remorse

Where again
the people who are supposed
to protect us-
just end up killing us.
By us I mean people
and by that I mean "All Lives Matter"
because ya know
more whites get killed by cops too!!!

Where white people make up 77%
of this lovely population
and black people only make up 13%
so it would make sense
that more whites die.
Even though statistically that's inaccurate
(please see first paragraph of this poem).

That reminds me
We're home of the All Lives Matter movement
because white superiority
is being called into question
and we like to think white supremacy
doesn't exist anymore!

"Why do black people
have such a chip on their shoulder all the time?"
"Can't they just like, idk- get over it?"
They will get over it
When racism doesn't exist anymore
and they can do everyday tasks
without experiencing discrimination.
They will get over it
when people don't see their skin as a threat
and use the "n-word" like it means nothing.
They will get over it
when they can receive a fair trial
They will get over it
when systematic oppression
isn't etched into their amount of melanin
They will get over it
when justice is ******* served.

where the idea of blacks being inferior
is what the constitution and this country
was built off of.
Where people like Tomi Lahren
obviously don't own a history book
because she likes to think
the civil war was fought
to actually end slavery.
Instead of beefing over turf.

home of the brave land of the-
Trump supporters!
& as Trump Says-
Let's Make America Great Again!
I'm sorry, I'm having trouble remembering
can you remind me-
when this country was ever actually great?
It seems like he actually means-
Let's Make America A Grave Again.

Hey America-
I'm not ******* around anymore.
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