A day in my head,
Is a life in hell.

I look at my mother,
the woman who has always been there,
and all I feel is hatred.
She loves me, right?
Her sweet voice rings in my ears,
But my thoughts cloud over..
Turning that sweet voice into a twisted monster.
Like a fog shrouding her true form.

"You're so amazing!"
She's lying, you're pathetic.
"I'm so proud of you!"
Nope. You can't be proud of a failure.
"I love you!"
No she doesn't, she hates you.

Why must I think this way?
Because you know it's true.

I overhear conversations...
"Oh my god, did you see her? She is so fat."
They're talking about you,
they don't even know you,
and they think you're fat.
Stop eating
"She's so ugly, there is no way anyone
could find her attractive."
Oh, that sounds as if it was directed at you.
No sense in fighting, it is true.

My fiance...
He is so perfect.
You don't deserve him.
He tries to help me,
Sometimes it works.
His love alone can clear the fog.

I look in the mirror,
And examine my body.
Noticing every unwanted scar,
every unwanted stretch mark.

Ew you gained weight.
Look at your stretch marks.
No, you're beautiful.
He doesn't think that, you're disgusting.
You're perfect the way you are.
You have scars, fat, acne, you are flawed.
I love you more than anything.
No one loves you.
You are my now.
"And I am your forever."

Those bad thoughts try to come back through,
But for now,
He has cleared the fog.

You say stroll down memory lane,
I say revisiting the house of horrors.
To you, a simple memory.
To me, my worst nightmare.

It doesn't matter what time of day it is,
I'm still scared out of my mind.
It is currently 2:47 A.M and all I can think of is your smile.
Your straight and partially stained teeth have tainted my mind.

The way your appearance has changed over the years baffles me.
You used to be handsome, strong, and so caring.
Now, you've grown too thin along with your hair.
You went from bad to worse with the substance that took everything from you.

I hear you laugh from the good times we had.
I hear you scream from the bad times we had.
They both echo endlessly through my mind.
Is it bad that I can't tell which one I try to avoid more?

I miss the good times between us.
I used to cherish hearing you say you loved me.
Only because it was such a rare thing.
I can't remember what it sounds like coming from your throat.

What is a child supposed to do without a father?
You were my everything, but it seems I was not yours.
For you, your everything is the thing that'll end you.
I tried to save you but it seems you didn't want to be saved.

I fear that one day I'll forget the thinness of your hair and frame,
Too late for the feeling of your arms during an embrace.
Was it too much for you to hug me.

The eyes that I feared so much are now burned into the back of my mind.
How the whites of your eyes became more yellow each day.
How the once brown eyes are now an ugly greenish blue.
How the skin around them has sunken in.

Was I not enough?
What did I do wrong?
Was I not the daughter you wanted?
What did I do to make you treat me like that?

You act as if I hate you but that's not true.
In fact, it's the opposite, I love you.
I love you more than anything.
That's why I left, I gave up everything for you in hopes you would get better.

I guess it wasn't enough.
Nothing ever was.
Not even my scars.
I'll always love you, but I can't promise that I'll ever call you my dad again.