her eyes
are far more
than pretty;
their surface is
gleaming gloss,
and just beneath,
a green
and blue
and hazel nebula
appears too vivid
to be real,
as though
a drop of blood
fell into a full glass
and turned a
soothing
mix of colors,
but lost none
of its
intensity
or
life
or
the pain
that drew it out

Hey everyone,
I wanted you all to know
That I went to rehab
No, not drug rehab
****** addiction rehab
Much more...I don't know,
Abnormal?
I want you to know this
Because I love you
And I don't care
What kind of **** you've been through
Or how ****** up you are
I am too
I've been close to a lot
And I'm sure if I knew your whole,
I would love you the same,
If not even more
Because vulnerability is beautiful
Wear your heart inside out
You won't scare me
And if you scare someone else, well,
Now you know who they are

I open the browser on my phone
And then I close it
For the tenth time
I have a dozen things to do
But nothing in me wants to
So I sit here, depressed,
Dry clothes wrinkling in the dryer

I could stay up like I always do
Browse the web
Read or write a poem or two
Continue with the cycle:
Long for meaning,
Get eaten by pain,
Fail to sleep,
Barely get through work,
Repeat
But tonight, instead,
I'll just go to bed

Thanks for breaking up with me
Now I finally understand
Why you smoke **** every day

I'm better at
crying
than writing
a piece to
wet your eye
But because of
how I feel
as this tear
streaks
down
my
cheek
I have to try
I have to try

I barely know you
And I don't know
whether my feelings
will grow
But I think about
how I have to speak loudly
if I want you to hear
And I wonder
If I ever tell you
my secrets
How will it feel
to speak them boldly
As if I'm finally
voicing everything
about the world
that hurts
for the first time

No wonder you couldn't have a conversation with me
No wonder you can't even respond to the email I wrote you
Not that I expected it to be welcomed with open arms
But it's months later and I'm still piecing together your lies
And I'm sure the truth is even worse than what I've discerned
Congratulations. You're the biggest liar I've ever known.
And something is deeply wrong with me
That I fell in love with you.

If I add enough water
To this *****
I can convince myself
I need to drink it
To stay hydrated

:)

Well I don't know if you saw me and passed on Coffee Meets Bagel a few days ago or not, but you look pretty adorable and sound interesting too, so I wanted to say hi either way! 4 weeks in Ireland sounds pretty great too - was that for work, or some other opportunity?

If you had to pick between only skiing or snowboarding for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

Hey! I do web work too...what do you do for the sports coverage website? No workaholism here haha, but I do work hard.

Where do you like to get ****** up on a Friday night?

Love the uggs on the one male stripper. Gotta get myself a pair.

Aww, you and your pup look like super good cuddle buddies. It's really hard to pick something to watch on Netflix...or Amazon Prime in my case. Watching anything good now?

What is there to get butthurt about on your profile really? Except for short guys, maybe. Oh, and gamers. I play games sometimes, but not excessively. What's the cooper tires thing you did?

6 pounds is tiny! What kind of dog is he, a yorkie or something?

Hey, hope you're having a good weekend. Kinda feels like a golf day today based on the way this last week has felt ha. Do you play a lot?

Hey, how are you liking the city and school so far? I went to an engineering school not too far away, you might have heard of it - ...

Sometimes it's hard to sum up our IT jobs in a few words, but nice job ha. A constant challenge and learning something new every day is what I like about mine!

I'm a 21st century man, baby
You've got that intelligence
That personality
That heart I'm looking for
But she...
She's gorgeous
I'll go with her

A sound is comprised of a range of frequencies forming a wave
I ride just ahead of the crest of that wave
As your music carries me along

I still
Party
Like you can hear me
Like this music
Will find your ears
And you'll remember
And you'll be moved

A mere three poems you have posted
and I sense something like beauty
in your lines
Something exactly like beauty
A hint of pain,
but every indication of self-betterment
through self-reflection
and direct (non-)action
as you feel the edge
but do not press it through
which I hope you continue not to do
And although I have never
drawn my own blood
I find myself touching things
just to see how they feel;
my intent, to escape anything real

So I imagine you experience life
in a similar way
Small escapes whenever you can,
but questioning whether something's
wrong with your head
And the agony of loss;
your cells certainly remain
And your mention of tampons
brings to mind for me
that my last love's last remaining
evidence of our time
is a ****** wrapper that stayed
in my trash for months,
even survived a move
and now rests in a big bag
ready to go out.
Surely, you are still with him
somewhere in his life.

You are not disgusting,
of that I am sure
We all have our secrets
And those of us who hide them all
are the disgusting,
because you find them out
when it hurts the most

And as I bring this piece to a close,
I see you have revealed two more of your own,
further revealing your heart and its beauty,
as you give to a man who has a heart like my own

I almost cry
In this restaurant
by myself
Thinking
about
How I have
a good
heart
And
How this girl I just
met
Might find out
But
I'm not really ready
for that

Whenever I look at you
I know what I'm doing
Isn't making it any better
But I still look at you
Almost every day
I try to feed myself
With your willingness
Your "beauty"
Which isn't really your beauty
But just a cheap
Shortened version thereof
A minute long relationship
If I think you're really hot
And it's a sad one
It's a rebound I live
Every day
I keep rebounding with you
But it doesn't seem like
I ever bounce away from her
Sometimes I wish
You were someone real
But then I'd be crying
Even harder
Because I'd be giving more
Of myself away to you
So maybe it's better that
I only see images of you
I cry enough already
And I need a rebound
But rebounds don't work for me
You don't work for me
But I still give myself to you

I wonder what you'll be like
When we meet next week
You're fun enough to chat with
You're certainly kind and caring
That took no time to see
You look soft and sweet
And your answer to one question
Tells me you have another side
I think we might have fun
If your voice is as gentle as your words
And my worries ease around you
But it's only a first date
And a filled weekend, first, to wait

My hands are strong but gentle
My voice is tender
I will not use it against you

You laugh when I kid
You smile when I tickle you
You say it can't be done

You're calm when I'm near
You're safe in my arms
I hold you all night

I give you my passion
You ask for more
I give you my all

I listen to your heart
I respond in kind
Sweetness from the deepest place

But you turned away for another

It depresses me
To see other couples
Or people hooking up
I don't know why
But it has something to do
With you

You try
to attach
yourself to
a man
a boy
so you can
escape
the
responsibility
of your own
life
and take on his

Box pasta boils
on the 1950 stove
and I wonder why
I haven't written
in a while

The curves in her lips
mirrored those of her back

They pressed together
as my fingertips explored
the skin they mimicked,

and they parted
as I searched further
and found what I've been looking for

Kicking it with my brothers
We partied all night long
Danced
Drank
Just did whatever we wanted
And we're listening to this mix
At home
Nodding our heads
And this is the best dancing
Of the night

Looking at hundreds of women
I come across you
No pleasure shown in your face
No moaning from your lips
No enthusiasm in your motion
You are not here to pay for college
Or to cover the bills
You have no choice
No choice at all
And here we are
In our cushy chairs
Spending our spare time
Getting off on you
I regret any pleasure I had
That came at your cost
Please forgive me
If you can find the will
In what's left of your heart
A sickness lives within us
If we carry this on

Someone spread **** all over your locker,
and I don't care
They're the ones playing with ****
Someone else cleaned it up
So what do you care?

Coworkers
Beautiful Asian girl
Guy friends in tow
DJ friend
Unexpected dancer
Molly, no
Dance
Socialize
Chips and dip
Clean up wine mess
Dance, dance, dance
Goodbyes and thanks
Glad you came
Too many drugs
But I had a ball
Please come again
You're welcome, all

Yes, I will force myself to go on a date with you
No, I'm not all that interested
Yes, you seem like a nice enough person
No, you don't look that cute
Yes, I still have feelings for someone else
No, it wasn't even a relationship
Yes, I'm aware that's kind of pathetic
No, I don't really want to talk about it

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm here

I could meet a dozen girls in a night,
But I couldn't connect with a one
Where I once had deep desire,
I now have chaos
A complete inability to put forth effort
Without the help of drugs
A fairy tale desire to **** them all,
But no internal life to manifest it
I may be the coolest dude in the bar,
But you might as well ignore me

2003: I stayed safe, close to home
2004: I lost my first love
2005: I pursued a goal and achieved it
2006: I went along with the pressure
2007: I got married
2008: I tried, but I disappointed
2009: I tried more, but I disappointed
2010: I felt joy for the only time in my life
2011: I worked, but I ran out of steam
2012: I got divorced
2013: I lost my Christian faith
2014: I lost my faith in love
2015: Something good, I hope

I feel as though living
without someone to cry over
is hardly living at all
I crave a connection with someone
who would make my world fall apart
if she became sick
I would give her everything
before I lay her to rest

Memories
fade in and out
between sobs

The present
fills in the gaps

We only have so long to remember

Will there be anything more than this?
Will I have another chance?

I begin to walk across the field,
feeling the texture of the grass

Will she join me in another place?
Will she do without me?

I'm across the field,
but I want to cross it again

What will it take
To break out of this
Day in and day out
I get so little done
At least at home
I'm always tired
Bored to death
Much to do
But little
Breath

I can't handle you, girl,
as we go to town,
I can't
You're too much
Just too, too much for me
As I let out this breath all at once
in an exhalation of anxiety,
you ask if I'm okay
Yeah, girl,
I'm so much more than okay
I just wasn't prepared for this today

Salt stuck to the inside
And the outside
Of a margarita glass
Chatter about an insecure male
Short guy, five foot nothing
Angry at women, the world
And I can't blame them,
But I can identify with him,
Even at six foot decent looking
**** 'em all

I hope when you look at your scars
And you notice you've been picking a lot
You remember
How I wrote that story about them
About you
Loving you
Because whatever you do
You are loved
Even though you don't love me

You can't be strong all the time;
Sometimes it's okay to be weak

But I have a feeling
if you use less energy
trying to be strong,
you'll find you're already
stronger than you realize

And sometimes
strength isn't the answer
Sometimes
your small, soft hands
are exactly what's needed
by someone in pain

Maybe you're good enough
just as you are

And by that, I mean my Turkey Cheese *****

But for real, it can also **** my *****

That is, my Stuffing *****

But, on a serious note... it can **** my real, actual *****

Of course, I'm referring to my Oreo Cookie *****

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

This isn't where I unwind on weekends
This is where I live

Even if I found you,
I wouldn't want you
You're too depressing,
like me
Or you're too optimistic,
which is annoying
Whatever the case,
say something to disagree
with my outlook
on any given serious life topic,
and if you're not crying
by the end of our discussion,
I'm not being honest

Tickling in ****, huh?
Is that there
to remind me
someone else
has this kind of fun
playful
cute
even sensitive
and to remind me
of what's gone?

I grew up traditional
Conservative Christian
The beauty of women
Was intellectually pounded into me
You are the pinnacle
Much of that made it to my heart
I sit in awe of your beauty
In contrast to that of a canyon
Or a snow-laden mountain

You are the living embodiment
Of the best all creation can produce







Unless you're a *****

You sway
You move those hips
Disco flies through this air
And you give yourself away

As I read everyone's writes
I try to find pieces
I can believe are mine
And thoughts I wish were hers

The fantasy is appealing,
Imaginary healing
But it'll never be quite right,
So I'm back to real life

Here I lay
With an itch to write
And fear of what I'd say

You got BoJack
I can never see beyond the negative
Is it the idea of you that I can't shake?

Recorded off the cuff: https://soundcloud.com/user4081486/after-a-night-out

How can I ****** look at you right now?
All of you
You're all just ******...
You're ****** ******* yourselves out
You're not finding love
You're not finding anything that fulfills
How can I look at you?

All you're getting met is
a physical need
at best
Some of you probably not even that
And here I am
After a night out
I'm meant to look at you?
And get off?

You look into the eyes of these men
as they *******
You think you're getting what you need?
I doubt it
I really doubt it
Am I getting what I need?
I doubt it
I really doubt it

I feel more empty every night
All I'm doing is watching
Here you are
Giving your everything
to these men
And I'm watching
I'm not getting what I want
I'm not getting what I need
How can I imagine that you are?

When I ignore questions,
It's no accident
I read into every line,
Every word,
Every bit of punctuation
And I respond in kind
Read into me
Like I read into you
You might fall in love
Or you might find my pain
In my silence
My delay
A forced smile;
Watch my eyes
When you get up to leave
I'm anything but cool
But I play it that way
And if you miss it
You've just missed me

I wasn't very sad when we got divorced
I felt freedom
We had some real issues,
And I know I wasn't good for you
I don't stop and think about you often
But one thing I should appreciate more
Is that you hurt when I was gone
It caused you pain that I was no longer in your life
In a way, it feels good to be missed,
And I thank you for that

Alexa, turn off the light
Alexa, it's cold in here
Alexa, tell me a story
Alexa, sing me a lullaby
Alexa, I miss my girl
Alexa, pull up my favorite ****
Alexa, are you real?
Alexa, I'm bored
Alexa, stop
I'm sad

Is it really a healthy outlet,
Or does it cause me
to dwell on my pain?

Will I still want to write
if I become a healthy person?

I guess it would be okay if I don't;
I don't like writing enough
to stay this miserable

Maybe some day
I won't like the idea of her enough
to stay this miserable