today is my birthday.
the day i was born.
the day my faith was just started.

today,
i got a new number.
i got a plus one for my age.
nothing different.
it's just an ordinary day like usual.
but at the start of the day, i got surprises from my beloved people.

i am so grateful, for everything, today (and the other days).

i spent my time with my person & had much fun.

but you know what,
once i entered my room, the feelings changed.
i put my things to its own place,
i changed my clothes, the feelings got worse.

i laid my body on the bed,

and BAM

my tears broke.
it just broke

my feelings reduced me to tears with its own "things"

one thing..
i don't usually feel blue on my bday
but today,

i can't even validate my feelings.
everything just messed up the moment i laid my body, or should i keep walking?
is it my fault to gave my body a rest?
i shouldn't be stop, right?
the head keep talking.

and my heart sinks.

remedies is not only for something we can't pass
remedies is for everything that has broken
or just to re-new something
-
she learns something from her life, everyday
but she never had a chance to write those down

it's not a scam when she said her favorite things to do are reading & writing or writing & reading
reading a poem or her self-diary
writing a poem or a self-diary
she doesn't know if is a gifts
or just a hobby
because everytime she finished wrote all her poems, she re-read it, and she thought all eyes those read her words can write it too (with their own version(s))

in this, not-so, new day(s)
herself will embarks to write all the tales where she's involved in

as long as she living her life
this era is the lowest point in her life
she doesn't know if it actually is, or it's just she made it all low

she can't even say a word to herself
she can't even write what's in her head
she can't even tell anyone when she really needs a person to talk
all are just mixed up in her little head


she doesn't know if it is something like "manifesting" or what
all she knows that she can't figure it out yet
is it something related to science? like human mind?
is it something related to religions? like human relations with The Creator?
but one from many answers for the solutions (based on her own researches) is self-improvement
she is pretty sure that is something wrong inside herself
something to be fixed
something that needs remedy
but her body & mind are not so sure what is that (or what are those)
her body & mind are still figuring out

it's not finished yet
it is still figuring how it needs to be stopped
it is still progressing
'it' is this story, her story, my story
..

Me and my coffee
Coffee is part of me,
and me is part of my coffee.

Coffee brings me to joy
Me brings my coffee to my phantasy,
and we're related each other.

Me and my coffee,
we have our own world;
we have our own happiness;
and,
me and my coffee,
is one of the best couple.

kepala berkecamuk
menumpahkan isinya
tumpah ke dalam ruang di sekitarnya
tak pernah benar-benar terbebas

sehelai demi sehelai terajut
semakin semrawut hingga kusut
mencoba diselesaikan
tak pernah benar-benar selesai

akhirnya terbaring dalam kalut
terbangun karena kusut
benar-benar tak pernah lucut

bagaimana bisa kepala ini
menampung lebih banyak dari apa yang terlihat
membawa lebih berat dari massaa badannya

Everything changes.
Either they become taller or shorter;
too thick or too thin;
darker or lighter;
excess or deficiency;
Too much love it feels like I'm going to burst my heart out or too empty
--I think I am deflated bright yellow balloon.

They change on a new sheet of paper;
and I estranged.
Thanks.

I knew, you're not mine
I knew, you had someone
I am self-awareness

But sorry,

I can't handle this feelings
I falls for you everytime I remember you
My heart's envy when you told about yours

I wasn't love you.
Perhaps I just wants to having you,
not only as friend.

unexpected love was came
my heart's breaks a little
unexpected love was came
i drowned

he said he loves me,
i said it too
he said i'm not beauty,
i started to believe him
he said trusting each other is the key,
i quiet
        how to trust when he doesn't give
        me a trust?
he said his heart is mine,
i sigh
         how could he said that when i
         saw he enjoyed with other girls?
he said he never feels ilfeel with me,
i cry,
a lot

how fool i am never trusts him
i estranged with my self
ashame