I had three more days to live they said
I had to get my affairs in order they said
And say goodbye to my loved ones
Wait... loved ones?
I have no loved ones
Everyone I met along the way
Was pushed out of my life
By me..

You see I thought that they would be distractions
Obstacles in the way of my success
My mother always said
'Eliminate your distractions'
And that is just what I did

Now I'm successful, dying and alone
Where did my life lead to?
No one to share my joys with
But my pathetic dog that can't even walk right
My whole life was a waste
And I have only three days
To try and change that

I wake up
Every morning
Crusted over,
Like some sort of pastry.
The effects
From a night of crying
While I sleep—
Again.

i held your hand
as it grew cold

i looked into your eyes
as they dulled

i felt for your heart
as it stopped beating

i cried for your life
as you lost it.

They always told her she was skinny,
'You're like a twig' they used to say,
'You need a good roast dinner' they'd tell her.

She grew up being proud,
Of the way her bones jutted through,
Her pink paper skin.

When she reached 15,
The junk food and pride,
Caught up with her.

By 16 all she saw in the mirror,
Was mountains of fat and rolls upon rolls,
She wondered if they would still call her skinny.

At 16, she began cutting down on meals,
'If I miss lunch, I'll lose a little weight.'
'I don't need breakfast, not to be skinny.'

She can't tell anyone else,
She's the skinny one,
She can't be fat.

They've started noticing now,
The rolls under her tshirt,
They seem to get some satisfaction,
That the skinny girl is fat.

By nearly 17 she cannot stomach more than one meal,
Anymore and she feels sick,
To the pit of her stomach.

Aged 17 she wonders,
If they'd've brought her up the skinny girl,
If they knew how fat she'd get when she grew up.

Aged 17 she wonders how she got so
*******
Fat.

You make death seem like the ultimate thing to wish for
                   On a shooting star,
                   Or at 11:11
                   Or on whatever it is people wish on these days.

You make slicing my thighs seem like the ultimate prize
At the end of a long day.

You make death seem like it’s the only thing I need to aim for.

I don’t dream of what my life could be anymore,
                    The job I could have,
                    The family I could love
Rarely crossing my mind.

When people ask me where I want to be in 5 years,
                    Or even 3,
I hesitate.
Wanting to be 6 feet under the stars,
                    Maybe in 5 months,
                    Preferably in 3,
But these are secrets you dare not speak of,
So I simply reply
                    Happy.
Maybe in Washington,
In a port town,
Or in Colorado in the mountains.

I don’t dream about love anymore,
                     Or at least I try not to,
But my god do you make it hard
Because,
Well,
                      I love you.

Instead I try to dream of cars,
Crashing into me,
It gives me the same sensation as dreaming of you,
                      But it doesn't hurt as much,
                      Or as last as long.

I find it hard to find the thrill in living.
Maybe I’m just not doing it right yet,
But right now I find a certain thrill
                       In hiding my scars,
                       In pretending to be fine;
I like to give others enough information
That if they tried hard enough
They could figure me out,
To see if anyone thinks I’m worth the effort.
                       Update: I’m not.

I think we forget
that we are on one simple planet
racing through  space
just a rock
just a glorified rock

Keep smiling
Grinning
While indifferent faces
Hand you pity
Disappointment
Failure
Keep smiling
But don't forget to grin
So you can remind them
The dark places you have been
Keep smiling
So you can show them
That you would be spitting in their face
If chaos erupted
But don't forget to grin

That could ruin the whole thing.