Merry f*cking Christmas
And everyone's drunk.
All spirits are dim
And my heart has near sunk.

We don't like to fight
So we just go to sleep
We pretend it's all a dream
And we don't wake up until we
Believe it.

If you are reading this, I apologize.
I didn't want you to discover me in this way.
I didn't want you to discover me at all.

I thought that I could go on lying to myself,
To continue with this facade,
But I just can't do it anymore.

And I don't know how to 'come out'
In the way that I should
And I'm not even sure if I want to.

But if you're reading this
Then I suppose you already know.
I am who I am, and I can't change that.

I am in love with distraction.

Who is this *******
Who gave me permission
To do things like
Love
and
Kiss
and
Desire.

What kind of a person allows that?

Did they not realize
That I would crave
To act on those
Behaviors?

Of course I will love.
Of course I will kiss.
Of course I will desire.

But why would someone gift me
Things that can
Hurt me in return?

Unrequited
Unwanted
Uninterested

How cruel of the person
Who gave me permission
To try.

My bones are stiff
And my jaw is bolted
Shut
Holding all my
Secrets inside
As I gallivant
My brain
From one heart
To another.

Sew me up.
Shut me down.
Keep me centered.
Take me out.

"They'll find a way back to you miss."

Her lips
And your kiss.

Her eyes
And your sparkle.

Her movements
On your body.

If I could
Mix and match
Your pieces

Make you dance for me
Make you comfort me
Make you love me

This new concoction of
Mismatched parts
That don't belong together

She's a set of stairs
And they fall for her.
In her banister
They're caught.

They walk her steps
As they capture her
With their eyes
And with their thought.

She slips them up,
She bruises them,
But hate her
They cannot.

Because she brought them here
To where they are,
On the floor
They truly
Sought.

I breathe you in
And hold my heart
As all of you
Consumes me.

I keep that breath,
I dare not breathe.
Because 'we' is what I
Should be.

Let's
Resurrect
What we were.

Let's
Raise our love
From the dead.

Let's
Try it all
Again.

It was
Supposed to be
You and me
Against the world
Against the worst
Until the end
Until forever

Let's
Start
Again.

I cannot find the words to say,
The ones to set things right.
The English language
Falls away
And leaves me with
"We might."

We might succeed
We might work out
We just might carry on.
But deep inside
The words that occupy me are:
"You're wrong."

for you fly
my love
my life
my heart

I'll push my feelings down
For your sake.
I'll bury them so deep
That I won't feel anything
Anymore.

We're just friends
We're just friends
We're just
Whatever you want us to be.

I'm just playing along
Until I forget those feelings
Buried so deep down
In my heart.

So caring so kind so
UNDERSTANDING
you're just so sweet but
I can't keep standing
up in this mess
that you call
EVER AFTER
stand up
sit up
you're slouching
my dear
smile smile for the
CAMERA
smile smile oh so pretty
to convince all the
clowns and the queen
that you're happy
OH SO HAPPY
so so happy
with your
Failing Kingdom
and your
SELL OUT SHOW
oh so famous
in the tabloids
gossip gossip who is she?
spread that rumor
share that tidbit
give it up
spit it out
TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
because I'm dying for a fix
because I'm dying over here
I'm just dying
dying
dying
don't mind me
DON'T YOU SUFFER
not on my
behalf
don't you cry
oh no no
please don't cry
anymore
I can't
STAND IT
anymore
I can't
stand up
sit up
I can't smile for the camera
I can't
TAKE IT ANYMORE
I can't stay.
I can't stay.
I can't
STAY.

What if
Every time we showed emotion
It was all or nothing.

No middle ground.
No half-assed kisses.
No stupid side hugs.

Catch her eye and feel something
Grab her face and kiss her lips
All else is nothing in that moment.
And then you pull back
And you wait
To see her emotions in return.

Will she jump up and wrap her legs around your waist?
Will she become one with you in that moment?
Or will she feel nothing
And walk away.

At that time
You will know
Exactly how she feels.

No more of this guessing *******.
No need for any other
What ifs
If only we bared all.

Everything you feel
Every moment and movement and detail
Is played out with your every action.
Laid out on the table
And worn upon your sleeves.

"Ah, I see you love me."
They'll say as they read your pages.
But they won't need to read
Because you will be in their arms
By the time they look up.

And what if.
What if they feel the same.
What if they get to you first.

You can't tell me that you've never felt the same.
Because you locked eyes with her that one time
And it has stayed with you
Filed away in the cabinet of What ifs
Under the title of "Love at first sight?"

And she walks on
Casually filing away her emotions
In their neat little folders
In their neat little drawers
Constantly questioning
Her every decision.

So what if you act on them.
What if you kiss her.
"What if she says no?" you ask.
"What if he doesn't feel the same?" you question.
But what if
What if they love you.

What if we had to show our emotions
The moment we felt them.
And she would be with him
And he would be with her
And their love at first sight
Would be justified.

And you would grip her face
And she would wrap her legs around your waist
And you would never have to wonder
What if
Again.

If only
We bared
It all.

You have no idea
How much your
Casual inconsistency
Messes with
My heart.

you took me with you
in bits and pieces
falling all over the place

When did I start becoming
More of myself
When I'm with you
Than when I am
Alone.

But have you ever loved someone
So completely
That every time they left you
They took some of you with them?

Oh how terrible it is
When they do not love you back.
None of them is left to fill you
You're just empty
And you're broken
And you're entirely in love
And there's nothing left at all
To fill you up again.

Alcohol
Cigarettes
And every thought of you.

How is it that a sin
That is worthy of death
Can be something
That some cannot
Control.

Granted,
I may not have come out of my mother
Telling her that
I like
Boys
And
Girls.
But that doesn't mean it's not true now.

How was I to know
That after 19 years
Of waiting for a man
To sweep me off my feet,
I would catch her eye
And feel something new.

Something that I had felt before
But different.
Like when I hold his hand
Or when he kissed my cheek
Just how she holds my gaze
And makes my knees go weak.

You can't just tell me to stop.
No matter how many times you say it's wrong.
I've read that Bible through and through
From Genesis to Isaiah to the book of Matthew.
I was raised in the church
And in a Christian school
So don't you tell me what I know
To be "true."
Because I can't help this.

It's like when you stop a wildfire from spreading.
You may have extinguished its flame
But that doesn't mean it didn't burn.
And if you find it humorous
To judge a fire
For not just burning the grass,
But also the trees,
Then how equally ridiculous is it
For you to judge me
For not just loving the birds,
But also the bees.

The wildfire
Didn't set out to ****
It was simply doing
What it felt was right.
And you can extinguish it,
Yeah you can put it out.
But that doesn't change the fact
That it happened.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love her.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love him
Too.

I'm running out of memories
Of you.

Please ungrant my wishes
On every star and every candle
Every penny in a fountain
Take them all.
I cannot risk having one of them
Come true.

You say that you must leave me,
Though why I do not know.
I can't move on without you.
Oh God, please do not go.

Speak to me.
This stranger business need not last
If you'd open up
And spill words out.

I'd love a drink.

Your body is a work of art.
And I have just recently become
A connoisseur.

That feelin's coming back again
But baby don't you worry

Baby
Baby
Don't you worry

Don't you
Worry
Worry
Any.

You knew this day was coming.

That thought of slowly losing

Of falling
Failing
Choosing

Between one life and another

You knew this day would come.

But baby don't you worry

Baby
Baby
Don't you worry
Not your pretty little heart.
Not you.

You knew this day was coming
So
Baby
Baby
Don't you
Worry

Don't you
Worry
Worry
Worry
Any
More.

All else
Falls away
When I see your face.

Please stay with me
Always.

Have you ever smiled for days in a row?
Non stop.
Come what may.
Car trouble
People trouble
Personal trouble
Doesn't matter.
Just a smile on your face
So genuine and true.

What caused that?
Find it.
Keep it.
Pursue it for the rest of your life.

Your beauty
It takes root inside of me
And grows to be
All that I'll ever see.

You will always be
The most pure form of art
To me.

I will forever try
To show you
Your worth
Again.

Let's make up excuses to love each other.

But nothing
Ever happened
With all of that
Desire.

It never came to light,
But it didn't sputter out.
It simply continued living.

Growing like a flower.
Spreading like a ****.

Lovely and beautiful
And absolutely pointless.
A bouquet of
Good-for-nothings.
A mental
Forget-me-not.

You visited me
And you asked me if
He holds me.

The way what you hold me.
"No."

And you came to me
And you asked me if
He craves me.

The way that you crave me.
"No."

No. No. No.

I could fill my gut
With "No."
Where you are "Yes."

I could live in your arms
I could feed off your passion
But no.

Because he holds me
In the night.
And he holds me
In the morning.
He holds me when
I'm sleeping.
When I never even
Know it.

And he craves me
Without asking.
He craves me
Without thinking.
Craving me
Is second nature
To him.

So
"No."
He's not you.
But you're not him.
And you were never willing
To be.

So go back home.
And give me back
The keys
To my heart.

Oh baby
You are beautiful
Baby
Baby
So, so beautiful
Don't you worry
Baby
Baby
Don't you worry
How you look.

I miss you.

What we had
Was so simple
So sweet
So innocent
And insecure.

I miss you.

Every day
I think about you
Always.
You were
Forever more
Than just a friend.

I miss you.

How was it so easy with you?
Even now that you know
All my deepest darkest secrets
That I wanted to keep from your
Kind, pure heart.
You know.
You know me.
And it's still so
Simple.
Sweet.
Innocent.
And insecure.

Why is it that
Young and love
Are thought with such
Disdain?

As though there is
No chance or way
For that love to
Remain.

And people frown
Upon all love
That their minds can't
Explain.

Yet young's a love
That all minds hope
They one day may
Attain.

Am I anyone's
one that got away?

Because you're mine
And if you can't see it
God knows who can.

My desire just to hold her.
Tucks her chin into her shoulder.

Sometimes people
Come into your life,
Tear your heart apart,
And leave.

And well,
That just really *****
Now doesn't it.

And

I

Don't know what to do

I

Don't know what to do

I

Don't know what to do

When I'm

Not

With

You.

Some thing
Never change
Old tricks
New dog

Switch-up

There's a love
That is forever.

And it comes in many forms.

Forever love
Can be friendly
Can be fearful
Can be passionate
And can be painful.

I've lived my life
Feeling a few
Forms of forever love.

But when I met you
I felt it all.

And I could breathe
And I felt like I was choking.

And I could fly
But I knew that I was falling.

And I just wanted so desperately
To grab you at the hips
And pull you into me.
But my hands were tied.

I felt forever love with you
In every form.
And I failed you.

It'll always be
Her
And
Her
And
Her.

It'll always be
You
On my mind.

And
She
Will
Be
Lost in my mind
In the way I wear my hair.
In the way I glance to the right
As if to share a smile
With her in the passenger side
Of my car.

She's not there
No one is.
Never was.
Never will be.
Her
And
Her
And
Her.

You never really left
Even though you're gone.
And I don't know how
I'm going to move on.

I want to catch up all the sunlight
And give it to you.
And yes, people will be upset,
Because I took their sun away,
But they will understand
Once they see your face.

Because there is no truer thing
Than the obvious chemistry
Between you
And all things
Light.

Nothing I do
Makes any sense now.