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ray Aug 2015
I could never describe
what I am feeling within
this black ink upon the page

this betrayal
that sinks into my chest
and grabs hold within

I try to breathe
you have a knife to my throat
and I long to be happy

it’s strange how you’re gone
long days of laughter
now filled with emptiness

but I’d rather be empty
than be with you
you make my blood scream

you make my hair stand up
you make my eyes
swing around in my head

I feel unsafe
that my secrets lay between couch cushions
like lost change

I wish I could take them back
wrap them up and hide it under the bed
I wish I could build walls

I climb up the ladder but
it is slick and I
fall further back down every time

and soon there is no place left to fall
except the floor where I lay
in the exact spot you left me

I can’t live in the place I was
controlled and refrained like a bad habit
I’m lost with you
but I’m found without you
while we were together
we were also far apart
maybe losing this will bring me up
even though everyone says
I’m bound to be brought down

but I believe in happiness
I have worshiped the thought of it
held it at my fingertips and watch
as it refused to be touched

this is me telling you
that I am strong
stronger then the weights
you tie at my ankles

and i am sorry
that my idea of happiness
is something you despise

but I am here to say
live with it
like I’ll live without you
ray Jul 2015
this is me telling you that I'm letting go
months of emotions running dry
have led to my unrelenting disinterest
and you'll tell me I'm selfish for it
but we both know that it was bound to happen
my love for you was toxic
and eventually turned to waste
but you didn’t want it
even when it rested in your palms

this is me giving you honesty
that years of cutting edge realism
are flourishing in my mind like a disease
and I am realizing things I could have never imagined-
for in the end I was not your moon and stars
and that’s alright
instead I was my own galaxy
eight planets and all, but in the end just a speck
in the epitome of universe in your eyes

this is me saying that I am no worse or better without you
we both bled from our wounds
but unlike you I have already licked mine clean
and begun draining into other sources
this is not like me,
for usually I tend to roll in the mud I create
until I am encased in my everlasting remorse
but like you’ve said before, I have changed
and while we grow apart I wish not to be bitter
nor sweet, for we were neither
generalizing our relationship
is insulting to its legacy

but I still wish to be remembered
as something, as anything
don't let me become a blank space
we were written in pen
long strokes of dark ink
that seemed endless
and now the paper is torn
bits and pieces
of what once was
bits and pieces
isn't that what we both are?
ray Apr 2015
when everything had been said and done,
you left without a last word to me
and in my opinion
goodbyes are over romanticized
because there was no argument about it
no aching gaze, no sinking feeling
just a deleted phone number, questions left unasked
and all of a sudden
I am painstakingly alone
without you I have been left without a cause
or a meaning to keep my lungs breathing
and my heart beating
without you I am skin and bones and guilt
I am dark and deep and frigid
my blood may pulsate hot under my skin
but I am an empty shell yearning for fulfillment
and with you gone I will remain this casket
until my body is dead enough to fill it
and rot in the soil ten feet underneath
-
please don’t stand at my grave and say you miss me
ray Apr 2015
I held you in the palm of my hand
I held you in the palm of my hand and I closed you in
I closed the palm of my hand
and you were nothing but the dark I had forced upon you
I may have bled from every crevice of my being
but it was too late
I am met by sour words and unforgiven last chances
you were the sun and I showered you in glass
now we are no more

you were on my lips
you were on my lips and I pushed away
I pushed away all thoughts of you
and I was nothing but this mass of
guilt and deathly notions infesting my head
I infected everything I touched
turned your skin green and your eyes red
while my pores were clean
I am walking termination

we were almost okay
we were almost okay and I let you go
I let you leave me like everybody else has
and that blame reeks in my skull
burning through my blood
tearing out my eyes and leaving me as
crippling devastation on legs
I wish I could relieve the pressure
I wish there was somebody here
ray Mar 2015
who
who am I?
the monster hiding in the crevices of your mind
itching underneath your skin
and pulling hair out strand by strand

who am I?
a river through your hometown
the one you would stand in as a child
and scream as loose shards of glass cut your feet

who am I?
your flashlight in the dark night
shuddering and going out
you leave it there laying on the pavement

who am I?
the old guitar in the corner of your room
dusty and out of tune
but so full of nostalgia that you can’t let it go

who am I?
a blade across your skin
blood in the bathroom sink
bandages hidden under sleeves

who am I?
a best friend
a lover
somebody you never needed

somebody you won't give up
somebody you need to give up
somebody who told you that better things are out there
somebody you never could believe
in the first place

why do you stay?
ray Jan 2015
her
you told me you didn’t love me
I was too much of a friend
it was
and I quote you: weird
but,
how is my love anything but pure?
is it wrong that I see oceans in your eyes
and stars in your smile?
you may find blood on my palms and
broken glass in my eyelashes
but all the same I still feel for you
all your life you have felt for this
and these
and what
and who
and when
but me
            me
                 me
nothing
            nothing
                       never!
           I respect your bones like they are my own
           I would hold you like the sky holds its breath before the storm
           I could tie strings in the separated parts of your skin
     but

it’s too weird
my everything is ultimately your nothing
ray Dec 2014
i could never tell you how I feel
all I can do is hope
that you sense it in the way
i drape my arms over your shoulders
and rest my fingertips in the crease
of your spine
how you hold me close,
but I hold you closer
and that may be a sign of weakness
the way I need you like
the full moon needs the sun
to shine bright
but behind this shield I’ve built up
is the tools to take it down
maybe that’s what you’re looking for.
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