Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
Overthinking is a misconception
We think that we are overthinking everything
In reality we aren't.
We are just normal minded people
Thinking normal things
Because we have feelings that need to be thought about
We have people **** on us and walk on us
We have people bring us to our knees
And step on our faces
So how are we to know who to trust when so many people let us down.
We are not overthinking every possible situation, we are just thinking because maybe they will turn around and watch us drown.
Rachael Judd Nov 2015
I'm in pain
I cry when I wake up
And I cry when I drift to slumber
There is ache inside my heart
And my soul is lost in an abyss of darkness
There is no feeling in my fingertips
And no beating left in my chest
I'm in pain
Rachael Judd Nov 2014
Theres a nice saying, "pain demands to be felt"
But what is pain?
is it when your heart gets shattered into pieces of broken glass?
or is it when someone you love leaves you?
I think that theres many ways to feel pain.
but god, oh god, how are we supposed to deal with this pain?
it eats us from the inside out till were nothing but bones in a coffin.
it tears us apart piece by piece.
it chokes us till we cant stand up straight, till we cant breathe.
it drowns us with sorrow till we're blue.
it brings us to the floor begging on our hands and knees to make it stop.
However, that the thing about pain, it demands to be felt, because if you're not experiencing pain, then what are you experiencing?
Nothing.
pain will change you into a person you never thought you could be,
it will transform you to this sad dark person,
who plods there feet everywhere they walk,
who bows there head in a crowd of smiling faces,
and this pain you're feeling,
this pain you're experiencing,
it will destroy you.
Rachael Judd Nov 2017
These walls around me have ears,
And all the doors have eyes.
The trees have voices,
And the devil tells lies.
Blinking back tears
Fighting the urge to cry
Be careful for the snow
And beware the man
You think you know.
Rachael Judd Mar 2015
Writing gave me something to believe in; something to hold on to.
It gave me a purpose, when I thought there was nothing left.
It took me to unimaginable places, where I could see new adventures and new life surrounding every footstep in that direction, beautiful flowers crowding over my shoes, like it was a new rebirth for this journey.
Writing have me a mindset, one that I didn't see possible, it have me a mind that saw all colors of the world, everyday I didnt only see black and white, I saw colors flowing out of peoples mouths as they sang songs of broken hearts, I saw colors streaming down faces of greif and hate.
It gave me moments that were so cherishable, it couldn't be torn from my mind. Moments that only I could be apart of, it made me realize that; although I was alone, I was apart of something huge. Something so unspeakable, no one even knew it was there.
Writing have me sights of mountians with no end, it abled me to feel life through the trees, and to hear the words they spoke.
A pencil and paper gave me a world never thought possible.
I feel so much stronger, now that I can put my thoughts out for the world to see.
Rachael Judd May 2016
These walls are caving in
My breathe has become so weak
These life isn't mine to keep
Let me go
Please
I just want to sleep
If you leave me
I will die
Every inch of my body will decay
All of you will pray
To my dead body
Rotting deep under the trees
I asked you to stay
Won't you please?
Rachael Judd Nov 2016
Pyschedlics in the sky
Just love on my mind
Lust in the sun
And empty bottles of ***
Bitterness on my tounge
Psychedelic paterns trip in my eyes
Laughter is so hard to find
Skinny dippin just to have a lil fun
Cigarettes hanging on my lip
Smoke Filling up my lungs
I can't see no more
Dancing around
In psychedelic skys
Rachael Judd Jun 2015
If I told you how I really feel,
you would be drowning, in your own puddle of tears.
Rachael Judd Oct 2016
Let me tell you a story, of how the raindrops feel when they touch your skin. The first drop you will barely notice. The second you'll ask if it's raining. The third you're prepared for, taking it all in you feel the wetness of the drop rolling slowly down across your arm. You feel the rain hit your skin and you melt into the earth as such a Devine being letting the dirt cover your body and the flowers curl around your limbs. Mother Earth has brought you home, into the earth where you belong. First it was raindrops falling in your skin, now the world is above your body and your falling into the earth like Alice down the rabbit hole.
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
It comes with sleepless night
Breath smelling of the cigarettes you've been smoking
Bags under heavy eyes
Shaky hands that constantly fiddle
Racing hearts
Pain that stabs you time and time again
Always checking behind your shoulders
Afraid of a mans touch
The fear, it comes with every inch of fear that will take you over.
Rachael Judd May 2020
I have come to realize that real love, like the love that fills you to your core, doesn’t find you when you are at your best.
Real love, the love that makes you weak in your knees. That kind of love meets you in your chaotic mess.
Rachael Judd May 2015
Maybe its the way your lips curl into a smile that reach your eyes when I say your name. It could be the way your laugh comes deep from your stomach, or the way your hair twists into my fingers. The way your hands fits perfectly in mine, completely intertwined. Maybe its the way you kiss me, where the kiss is so hard and emotional you can't seem to get enough. It could be the way your hand caresses my face, or the way you cradle my body where we are almost one. Maybe its the way you giggle when I touch you there, that pure smile of excitement.

I don't know how you did it, but I can't get your face out of my head.
Rachael Judd Dec 2015
Break me free, from this prison you have kept me in.
Let me go, spread my wings so I can breathe again.
I need air in my lungs and grass under my feet.
Take me away from these gray walls and concrete.
there are bars along the walls and you come to say hello,
You bring a red rose.
I know your trying to show me love,
But I am grey.
Your red rose is white in my eyes.
Rachael Judd Jul 2015
It's 3am and the moon is casting a shadow across your face, for some reason I can't sleep, but you've been gone for hours. Wrapped around my body like a prison.

It's 4am and I can't stop thinking about the stars and how they light up all this darkness in our lives.

It's 5am and the clouds are starting to get lighter, the sun is peeking trying to escape the darkness. The blinds are shut but mind eyes are bloodshot and open, starring into the nothingness but these four walls.

It's 6am and I can hear the birds singing in the trees. The Suns almost out and I can't feel my feet.

It's 7am and it's shining through the blinds, your eyes are awakening as mine are watery, and tears are falling down my cheekes.

It's 8am and the pain has subsided and my mind drifts slowly to nothing and my eyes are shut. But I hear you whisper good morning.

And it's the same again, repetitive nights and mornings.
Rachael Judd Feb 2015
Today i found out that you met somebody else.
I thought i was over you,
I stopped crying at night
Letting the black tears stain my sheets
My chest never ached for you anymore
I never felt like i couldn't breathe
Like all the air was slowly suffocating me
I didn't hear your voice in my head anymore
You'd just became a memory that every once in a while id play back the record i saved of our love.
Instead of breaking down every time i saw your face,
It brought me happiness.
Today i found out that i am replaceable by someone else.
someone better.
It hit me like a bullet to the heart
Thrown against the wall as if a wave brought me out to sea and started to drown me.
As the water filled my lungs
I heard your voice again,
But now its muffled by the water I'm submerged in.
I saw your face for just one second
And then the ocean swallowed me.
I lost it, every inch of myself i lost today. All because you found someone new, cause i was never enough.
Rachael Judd May 2016
Light is easy to love,
Show me your darkness
So I can love it too.
Rachael Judd Apr 2015
You are a lingering pain in my heart
That aches with each step I take
Trying to escape you is pointless
Your everywhere but then your nowhere
Sometimes I believe you've finally left my head,
But I always forget I gave you a key, though you never bother to lock the door anyways,
You sneak in with quiet footsteps, I barely register that you're even there
Then memories swarm my thoughts like a cloud of moths.
You are a throb on the right side of my head.
Every waking moment I still hear your heavy breaths
Which turn my days into headaches.
You remind me of the time I broke my cheekbone, a bone that cannot be fixed, a bone that will always be broken.
You pour out of my mouth everyday saying things I don't mean, to people I care about.
Somehow you ruined me.
And I can't seem to ruin you.
Rachael Judd Apr 2015
I'm always running,
Running forward
or running away
trying to escape
this lonely place
full of things
I've learned to hate
all I need is a chance
to breathe again
I've become so distant
so afraid to let anyone
come near
cause no matter how close you get
a mile away is sometimes too close
or not close enough.
I've come to realize that
running only leaves you
breathless
with an empty beating chest.
Im always running,
but right now my gas tank is on E
and I don't have the money to keep going
so this is my last stop
because I get tired of running
and now all i want to do is
sleep*.
Rachael Judd Jan 2015
You can see the sadness in his eyes,
Like storm clouds waiting for the rain
You can see it in his veins,
The blood streaming like rivers,
You can see it through his words,
Sounding like a hurricane,
You can see it in the way he holds himself,
Like its brought him to his knees but he stands up continuously
You can see it his hands,
Shaking with anticipation.

When you look at him,
You may see his pain,
His sadness,
His greif.
But you can see the light,
The stars that twinkle at night.
Hes oh so beautiful
Without trying to be.
His wisdom took the best of him,
He cant seem to realize
The greater parts of himself
That make me wonder why hes sitting here with me.
Maybe he will look at you again,
And you see the clouds start to fade,
Dull dark gray.
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
Say you like me just one more time,
Give me your heart
And i promise I'll give you mine

Say you love staring into my eyes
Make me feel special
And i promise I'll be by your side

Say you belive in me
Give me your strength
And i promise I'll hold you high

Say you will hold me when i cry
Make me feel loved
And i promise I'll give you my time

Say you want my body
Give me your lust
And i promise I'll give you mine

Say you like me just one more time.
Rachael Judd Mar 2018
I used to hide my scars, forever ashamed by the marks covering my skin. From my wrists to my thighs, fading little white lines. Starring at them now like my skin is a piece of paper waiting for an author to mark me with his words. I don’t hide my scars anymore, for they have created a place to write poetry.
Rachael Judd Jun 2015
I FEEL SO ALONE

    MY LUNGS WONT LET ME SCREAM

              SO MAYBE I CAN SCREAM THROUGH TYPED WORDS ON A BLANK PAGE

        I FELL SO ALONE

WITH YOUR ARMS WRAPPED AROUND MY WAIST
  
        I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, BUT MY BODY WONT LET ME CARESS YOU

I FEEL SO ALONE

EVEN THOUGH YOUR WARMTH TRIES TO PRY ITS WAY THROUGH MY SKIN SNEAKING ITS WAY TO MY BLOOD STREAM

IM STILL IN PAIN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WASH IT ALL AWAY WITH THE SWIPE OF YOUR HAND AS YOU DO WITH MY SHEDDING TEARS

I FEEL SO ALONE

       ALL THE VOCIES IN MY HEAD

AND I CANT BREATHE IM SUFFOCATING

ALL THE LIES. ALL THE EYES. ALL THESE CRIES.

CHOKE US TILL WERE NUMB.
Rachael Judd Jan 2015
They told me your never supposed to see your mother cry.
But what the forgot to mention is that seeing your mother cry isn't the end.

Its when you see your own mother telling her kids that she hates her life and wishes she'd just die.

Its when you see your own mother drinking that last drop of ***** as if its the only thing keeping her alive.

Its when you see your own mother taking all those pills shes subscribed because the doctors think it will fix her.

Its when you see your own mother talking to herself saying, "its time."

Its when you see your own mother laying on the floor passed out, with a still lit cigarette in the ash tray and beer cans spread around her.

Its when you see your own mother look at herself in the mirror and drop down to the floor telling herself that the person in the mirror isn't her.

Seeing your mother cry isn't the end, its seeing the aftermath of the tears, seeing all the pain in her hollow eyes eat her alive.
Rachael Judd May 2016
They told me I was selfish
Cause I had a bullet pressed to my head
With my name on it
They told me I was selfish
Cause I had a knife pressed against my thigh
They told me I was selfish
Cause my legs were bleeding
And I was screaming
They told my I was selfish
Cause my heart wouldn't stop hurting
They told me I was selfish
Cause my bones were aching
They told me I was selfish
Cause my note said I was leaving
They told me I was selfish
Cause they begged me to stay
They told me I was selfish
Cause I needed to go away
They told me I was selfish
Rachael Judd Mar 2015
Love is like the moon
Its always beautiful in its own certain way
But sometimes there are shadows covering that asthetic beauty
And all we see is a light, brighter than the stars
But its hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
Just like love,
Sometimes it full, with a beam of light shinning at midnight through your window
But other nights its just the shadow
Love is uncertain
We dont know when it will disappear into the darkest of night
Or when it will shine through the darkness
Seeping into our heart with glimpses of false hope
Love is like the moon
Sometimes its the shadow of a doubt
Rachael Judd Jun 2018
I have a hidden love for shadows,
A darkness that follows all.
I seek them with a lust hidden deep below,
The thought that death cannot make me fall.
For it is this life that’s filled with evil and malice to the unknown
Rachael Judd Oct 2016
Now, we move forward
We shake hands
And part ways
Have a last glance over the shoulder
And walk silently back
To your miserable life
Starring a rings that once was a promise
Now lays deep in the ocean
Of lost marriages and affairs
Thinking back to past memories
Only leaves you with an empty bottle of *****
Now your staring at the guy across the bar
The average male, handsome and tall
With white teeth and black hair
He looks back at you and sips his glass
Then the room stops for just a second
And then guy across the bar turns into him
Blinking once or twice you look at the man drinking his glass and wonder if your going home with him tonight.
Now your sleeping around with all the not so average anymore guys and his face doesn't pop up much anymore
And you think your happy, but your just drinking to subside the pain
Thinking that one more shot won't hurt
Then your too drunk to drive
So that **** ****** bag who was hitting on you all night takes you home and ***** you till your nothing but disgusted with yourself
Now your walking home in shame trying to call a cab because your life ***** and your lungs are full of cigarettes and there's always bags under your eyes and your eyeliner is smeared every night
You look at yourself now and you look a little too skinny, oh yeah you forgot to eat last night.
Maybe you'll eat lunch this afternoon, but probably not. The guy from the office asked you out for a drink since he hears that your easy to ****. So you go about your day and don't even bother wearing a dress or heels cause you know it will come off anyways.
You walk out of the house expecting just another one night stand like all the rest
Then you think of him, the guy you parted ways with two years ago and you think of how your life's gone all to **** when he left you
And then everything went black
And you open your eyes
About to part ways from your loved one
But you stretch out your hand and grab his wrist he stares at you and kisses your lips
And the nightmare is gone
Rachael Judd Oct 2016
I hope I give you nightmares that wake you up in the middle of the night and make you sweat. Now you know how I felt, when I was wide awake. You ****** me once, I won't let you **** me twice. Shame on you, shame on me. I hope I make you sick, sick to your stomach. When you think of me, think of heartbreak. Feel what I felt for days. *******, for making me this way. I hope the blood on my wrist makes you cringe.
Rachael Judd Mar 2015
He told me he doesn't recognize me anymore
but when i tell him I'm the same person i was a year ago
My tongue starts to burn
I know I'm lying
That girl i see in the mirror
She can't be me.

So pale, you can see straight through her
Circles under her eyes like they've been carved with a knife
Skin so fragile, the touch of a feather would shatter her
Bones so defined
She seems so hollow

She can't be me
She can't be me
She can't be me

But everytime i feel her staring back at me
I see her in my shadow
Rachael Judd Jun 2015
Seeing you today
Made my body shake
My hands go numb
And my heart tear out of my chest

My lungs were grasping for air
To say hello back and smile
And sweet smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes
Instead a crooked laugh erupted from my chest
That turned into a loud sob
And as I ran for the door
Trying to escape this place
With all these staring faces

I saw yours, one last time.
Starring wide eyed
And a shy smile.
Why do you destroy me to the point of no return.
Rachael Judd Jan 2015
Sometimes its the simplicity of my fathers ways that make me want to walk in his unchanging path for the rest of my days.
His engineer mind complicates my decisions
But my mothers healing hands touch everyone but me
However its my mothers rage and fire
That i sorely desire
Seeing my father think is like watching the inside of a clock,
Its gears switching and constantly turning.
My mothers fists of fury tell me i should be angry,
People lied and diseved.
My fathers ways are beautiful, however once i try to live then i realize that that is not me,
I should be myself.
All i want is to be free
He is stuck in a hallway that only goes straight.
My mother is in a feild of grass runninng away from everyone and everything.
I cant be stuck in my fathers wrath
I need my mothers outrageous anger to keep my going.
Simplicity is beauty.
But i need freedom.
Rachael Judd Mar 2015
"You have this fire inside of you, a fire so bright it would blind you if you ever saw it. A fire you cant blow out with a couple breaths, a fire so intense that water just makes it burn stronger. I dont know how you do it, after all thats happend to you. But you just stand back up. Day after day, you do it again. And what makes me love you more, is that you dont feel sorry for yourself. After everything, you wake up ready to fight whatever demons come next."
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
I clutched my hands as hard as i could,
To keep the distance apart from us as small as possible.
My breaths were shaky, full of nervousness with sighs of relief.
I held on to him like i was falling
Hoping he would catch me on the way down.
His lips were strong, full of life
Making me feel alive again
I couldn't get enough of him
He made me feel something,
Something that i am unaware of
But now that i have experienced that feeling,
I crave it.
Rachael Judd Mar 2016
I was 17 staring out
the window
in the drivers seat
Watching the passing
Trees
And taking small
Glances at the
Man sitting beside me
His hair dark
And messy
His hand gripping
My thigh
His eyes watching mine
The day turned to
Night
And we were
Suddenly wrapped
In starlight.
Rachael Judd Sep 2015
Your face turned black
And your eyes were brown
Your skin wasn't your skin
And the ink that marked you was never there before
And you above me,
Looking down on me, dominating me
And your hair is buzzed when it should have been thick and curly.
I know who this monster is that formed over your skin.
I know it's not you, I know it's my mind telling me that this is not right.
I ask you to stop because I'm going to be sick.
You stop.
He didn't.
Running to the bathroom and slamming the door colapsing naked on the floor.
Hanging my head over the toilet the tears begin to form.
Then the suffocating feeling in the deepest part of my heart starts.
And the dry heaving begins, my eyes blur with sweet salty tears and everything goes black
My hearing is muffled like my body is submerged under the sea.
My head starts to ring
And my mouth starts to sob and scream.
My body shakes and I feel her hands on my shoulders pulling me into an embrace, waking me out of my trance she looks at me with tears and her eyes.
Grabbing all the life I had she pushed me into reality.
Telling me it's not time to go yet.
A fallen angel was right under my nose yet I couldn't see it.
But you didn't even check to see if I was still breathing.
Rachael Judd Aug 2015
The doctor told me the pills would make me numb.

I guess she was right because I can't even feel the tears spilling from my eyes.

The screams escaping from my mouth.

I can't feel my heart beating against my chest

My hands trembling trying to hold my lovers hand.

I can't hold onto the rope anymore

It's slipping between my fingers

Turning into thread, I'm losing my lifeline

Falling into the abyss, unable to feel my stomach in my throat
I just can't hold on
Rachael Judd Jun 2015
Stop telling me there is a god, and that he wrote this novel called the bible that shows you good morals. Stop telling me his son Jesus died for us, so we can live through him. Stop. If there was a man so mighty and powerful, why would innocent people die, why would people ******, betray, and lie? Why would we all decieve eachother and hurt our beloved? Why would human nature as a whole destroy everything in its wake?
Jesus Christ doesn't have the answers, God can't speak to you through the clouds and the light that shines. There are scientific explanations for why things happen, but there is no possible theroy telling us to ******, to love, to lie. It's in our blood, but God didn't make us this way. The devil didn't curse us.
Everyone fails to remember that the devil was gods favorite angel. We are all cold till the bone, no warmth in our souls. So stop telling me there is a man out there with love in his eyes and brown locks of shiny hair, wearing a white satin robe and leather sandals with Caucasian skin.
The universe is what we were made to believe in, the stars in the sky will align and tell you the truth, the planets and the moon.
The flowers will grow and wildlife will sing.
Stop believing in something you can't touch, nor feel.
Start believing in the nature surrounding you, it's everywhere. Your just failing to see it.
Rachael Judd Jul 2015
You fail to see the beauty inside you, you can't see the person I'm staring at.
I am screaming at you and you can't even hear me. I am begging for you to just look in the mirror and see what I see.
I see a man, with curly brown almost black hair. A dimple on each cheek, and misplaced freckles that make your face like a painting from van gough.
I see the poems thought up inside your head, just not being able to write them down because you don't want the criticism.
I see a ten year old boy, living with his best friend at the time cause his mom was an addict and his dad was a drunk.
I see a boy with sad eyes crying because he doesn't feel loved from the world surrounding him.
I see a boy yelling and cursing at his parents for bringing him into this unfaithful world, crying out for attention that he thinks he doesn't deserve.
But now,
I see a man who is stronger than his demons.
Rachael Judd Jan 2015
I used to feel like i was suffocating but since you left i feel like i am in a hole and the dirt that is shoveled on me is all the lies ive told and now i will let it bury me.
Rachael Judd Feb 2015
~ We miss the nights
Filled with starlight skies
Drinking till our words
Are slurry
And are vision
Is blurry
Laughing by the fire
Our thoughts are intertwined
With one another

We miss the mornings after
Filled with moans
And groans
Waking up to a messy hair
Boy on your left
Smiling to the soft morning air

We miss the days
Filled with a summer haze
The sun kissed our skin
Making our lives
Colorful again ~
Rachael Judd Apr 2016
My head is in my hands
And my arms are shaking
My voice is cracking
There's tears streaming down my face
Falling onto my shirt
And your starring at me
With wide brown eyes
Trying to lift my head
To see if I'm ok.
You look at me in pain
And I can't even say your name
Your watching me wipe my tears
And your whispering how you love me
Even though you watched me cry
Looking at me while I'm in my most vulnerable state.
You just stare
With wide eyes and your hand gripping my right thigh.
I tell you I'm fine and you believe it,
Only for a moment in time, until you regret it.
Rachael Judd Sep 2015
I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I want to tell you that everything I do is because I love you and I'm afraid you'll leave me in a blink of an eye. I want to tell you that everyone leaves me. I want to tell you that my heart aches when your not around. I want to tell you how you heal my broken wounds. I want to tell you all the secrets kept inside me. I want to tell you how it feels to be broken. How it feels to be a mess. I want to tell you how I love you. I want to tell you how the world doesn't spin if your not around. I want to tell you how the moon doesn't shine and the stars don't sparkle when your sleeping. I want to tell you how I hate myself but you make me hate me less. I want to tell you how I loathe you and your heart. I want to tell you that when you hold my hand the world seems okay. I want to tell you that when I'm on a bridge, the urge to jump is unbearable. I want to tell you that all the white pills stuffed in my drawer aren't my medication, there for eternal sleep. I want to tell you that my life has no meaning without you. I want to tell you how much I hate this life and these people that surround me. I want to tell you that my heart has been broken a million times so now it's unreparible. I want to tell you that you make me wake up each morning again. I want to tell you that I want to die. I want to tell you that I'm sorry.
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
We had those moonlight talks
Star sky kisses
And we were in love

We had those moments in life where we could sit in silence for hours and be completely comfortable
We had the moments in life where we would just stare into eachothers eyes
We had the moments that would take your breath away.

And soon he stole away mine, and i was breathless with no way to speak.

Its heart breaking when the ones who loves us leave us,
Its horrifying when we sit in our own puddles of tears that we created from sleepless nights
It tears our souls apart piece by piece and once we feel whole again
It falls apart just like the very first time he said, "I dont love you anymore."
Rachael Judd Jun 2016
I knew it the moment I saw him,
With a soft spoken voice
He looked at me and said hello,
He watched me from afar,
And I kept upon his graze
I couldn't wait to feel his touch
Against my bare skin
The moment his hand
Intertwined with mine
There was this sudden spark
I saw it in his eyes
Replacing the brown
With a golden glow
Of pure shock,
How our heart connected
In one split second
And the world stopped spinning
And our hearts collided
Breaking and thrashing down each others walls
Crawling our way into the deepest part
Of our souls
Sliding his hands down my thigh
He looks at me with pure desire
Biting his lip
I ask him to bite mine instead
And he tugs at my skin
Taking off the clothes I once wore
Making love under the comfort of these blankets
Wrapped and interlocked together in one
Seeing the way the other moves
Watching each other slowly
Becoming fearless of the others body
Wanting to touch and grab at every part
I knew it the moment he touched me
He would completely ruin me
Shower me in love
But also in lust
Forever young
And forever lost
Watching him
Is watching the sun
Wrap around the earth
As we wrap around each other
As he lays there
Staring at the stars
He looks at me
Smirks and then closes his eyes
Takes my hand
And he breaths so deep
I can hear his lungs fill with air
He takes one last look
And Kisses my lips
I knew the moment I kissed him
Rachael Judd Dec 2014
Life is full of sad stories
And painful memories
It's also filled with laughter
And beautiful people to share the moments you adore most with
But its a dark world out there with thunderstorms that dont stop
And disasters that never cease
However, there are rays of light
That i call hope,
You have to hold onto that hope,
That it will all get better
Or you will have nothing at all,
You'll just stare blankly at things watching, waiting for a change.
*But you are the change.
You are the hope.
Rachael Judd Aug 2015
Black painted on my body in a loose fitted dress, thigh high stockings with a white lace border around the top. The shoes I wore to my brothers graduation. My hair hanging loose over my shoulders and down my back.

Black covered on bodies with pale or dark skin, all dressed from head to toe in clothes they wear to everyone's funerals. All their lost ones in their head today.

Black smeared mascara dripping down my cheek, mother wipes away my tears but is too slow to catch the next one falling.

Black and white blurred people all shaking my hand, and grabbing my shoulders as I stare into the ground trying to remember the last words he said to me.

Black filled mind with thoughts of his laughter and the way his wrinkles sometimes faded when he cried, or the time when I was a child and he threw me up high, always catching me and holding me as I cried.

Black lifeless eyes are staring at me now, I can't even recognize his face, it's not even him. I stand before my grandfather remembering that he was the only man who swept me off my feet and the only man I loved nonetheless.
I love you grandpa. And I know your still here, but my dream was so vivid and real, I had to write it down.
Rachael Judd Nov 2014
So i met this person not too long ago.
I thought he'd be different than most,
But i was fooled yet once again.
However, things were different
It wasn't love
It was lust
I knew i couldn't love him because of the way he was,
But then i started fallin.
And I'm afraid of heights
But the last person i had, he caught me.
And he held me till i could breathe again.
But then, once i was breathing, he released, he let go.
And once he saw that i was okay, he decided to break me. THen i couldn't breathe and i was drowning in my own air.
But this person, he didn't catch me like i thought, he picked me up when i hit the floor,
I thought he'd hold me high above his head so i could breathe the air i needed,
So i could be okay again.
But instead, he threw me down harder,
He pushed me down till there was nothing left of me.
he tore me to pieces
And now he wants to say he's sorry,
But i don't hold grudges anymore,
I promised myself that a long time ago,
So i forgave him but i will never forget.
It will always be in the back of my head,
The things he took from me, that i will
never get back.
Rachael Judd Oct 2015
I went to the hospital to see him because they told the family that he would soon pass but he was holding on for something.
He was my moms father, my grandad.
All I saw was him lying there on the hospital bed basically dead. He was suffering so much to just be able to breathe.
I watched his chest beating but I knew the machines beside the bed were making him breathe.
I know he wanted to let go.
He couldn't speak, nor see.
I held his head in my hands and said goodbye and kissed his forehead.
We left the hospital.
The next morning we got a call saying he died in his sleep last night.
I couldn't even bring the tears to my eyes.
It was just shock.
I saw his only the night before, still alive but barely.
It's Wednesday morning and the funeral is at two.
I'm wearing this ugly black dress that's too long for my liking but we have to be appropriate because "that's what he would want"
He was a horrible man, he cut me and my family out of his life ten years ago, wanting nothing to do with us.
He wouldn't even recognize me now.
It was an open casket and he looked like a stuffed doll.
A wedding ring on his finger and a nice suit and tie around his body.
I was waiting for him to wake up, saying that he wasn't really dead, the suffering just magically stopped.
I rest my hand on his shoulder and his body was so cold I could feel the ice stretch through my arms making my body shiver.
They led us through a dark room and told us to take our seats.
The pastor only talked about God when my grandad wasn't even a Christian man.
Asking us to raise our hands if we had excepted Jesus Christ into our hearts and all these hands were raised in the air except mine.
I felt his eyes stare me down so I put my head down staring at the tile my black heels were standing on.
The floor was caving in and it was hard to breathe.
There was an American flag resting on his casket.
I realized that this funeral wasn't for the dead, it was for the people who were still alive.
It wasn't a celebration for the man laying in the casket.
It was a gathering for people to whisper and judge.
Rachael Judd Apr 2015
You broke down the door to my heart
Came crashing in like a burglar
Coming to steal everything i had
Even what i offered
You left me abandoned
Nothing left in my heart
But broken glass
From the windows you shattered
Pieces that will never be replaced
You broke down the door to my heart
Left hanging by its hinges
Each string that held my heart in place
Now hangs like a puppet
Dancing as you pull the strings
Constructing the dance moves
Rachael Judd Feb 2015
Sitting side by side he asks in a whispered voice,
"Whats the first thing you notice on a person"
I replied, "their eyes".
After a moments pause he asks me why
I explain that no matter what color or shade
An eye will tell you how deep there secrets go,
How much they love
Or how sad their heart is
Eyes will tell you how passionate a person is
Or how dark the deepest pits of them are.
When i look at you, i see all the good things, and the not so good things.
Everyone thinks the mouth spills secrets and lies
But i promise you, its all in the eyes.
Next page