She's the kind of girl
Who picks up the peices
After a broken heart
the girl who saves herself
Instead of waiting to be saved
She's unlike the rest
While girls are going out
On Friday nights with strange guys
And drinking laughter
She sits in her room staring into a book
Reading about the world
She's yet to see
But she's the girl
Who will hold your heart
In the palm of her hands
Like she's holding the world
She's the girl
Who walks with elegance
And falls with absolute grace
Who talks like silver
And sings like gold
Except she only sings in the shower
She's the girl that will stand by you
When you need her on your darkest of days
And will cuddle you under
A starlight sky
She's the girl
Who will smell like
Cigarettes and black coffee
And her nails will be chipped with black paint
And her hair might be a little messy
But she will look at you
With striking blue eyes and love you
More than life
She's the girl who wants one red rose
Instead of a dozen

I got lost one day,
Lost in my own head.
It was full of old memories, and stories.
Like walking down memory lane,
Watching smile after smile pass.
I saw a memory when i was little laughing and playing with the flowers.
Being a child, not a care in the world, no pain on my shoulder, no sadness on my face, just a child. Laughing and smelling the roses.
Then i saw myself and i was sitting on the edge of a grave stone,
Pulling on a cigarette.
I looked older less like myself,
Like grief has aged me in places that took away my youth.
I walked a little closer and saw that i was sitting on my own grave,
Taking one last drag of my cigarette.

I look at this ring every night before I fall asleep, you have this to me the day you asked me to finally be yours. I felt so loved, and cherished. This ring reminds me of such a simple time, when life was working out for a change, and everything seemed to be going right. It reminds me why I stay, why I put up with all the ******* you throw at me. It reminds my heart that you were once a man I was so deeply in love with, that I couldn't bare to not be with you. It reminds of the times you treated me like I was your last breath and all you wanted to say was "I love you." It reminds of when I was your princess and all you wanted was to treat me like an angel.

Now, I stare at this ring. It has left a ring of white wrinkled skin underneath. I stare at it and all I can think is what does it mean, what were you trying to say when you gave it to me? Was it a promise that you knew you could never keep? Was it a lie to shield your heart? Was it this deep fear in your soul that you knew would shatter me? It reminds me of the man I knew before the you you are now. The man who loved me unconditionally. The man who wanted nothing more than a laugh at his expense. Nothing more than a smile that he created. The man who took me in his arms late at night when the demons in my head started to drown me. Who stood by me when my mother drank to much and my father yelled so loudly. The man who took my hand in the breaking waters. The man who wiped my tears before they fell. The man who loved without question.

what happened to the man I once knew?

I watched the moon tonight
Thinking of you
The sparkle in your eyes
Your hopeless romantic
Ways and your sweet sense of laughter
Loving you has been such a pleasure baby
I'll be lovin you forever
Till the moon dies
And the sparkle in your eyes

Writing about love
I always thought would give
Me the power of holding onto love
I realize now I never had
A love so strong it could change the world
I met a boy
Only 16 years old
And I fell so deeply in love with him
He changed the definition of love
In my eyes
He gave me six months
To show him the brightest and darkest sides of myself
He showed me every part of him
No one else could've understood
He broke the spell he cast upon me
Two days ago
I let him ruin every love song is ever heard
Completely destroy my thoughts of happily ever afters
I realize now there isn't a happily ever after
There's a deep ocean blue color waiting for me at the end of my road
To drift into the sea
Not searching for love but waiting for the water
To take my body and drown me under the ocean sea.

I want a rebellion
I want an out cry against the system
They think its okay to shut us down
And tape our mouths shut
They think were scared of them
In reality were scared of what they can do
They will push us to our breaking points
But we rise against them with the fighting that we go through in our bodies in our everyday life
We will take out the enemy with every last breath we breathe
I am not scared of my government
I know i can stand up, hold my ground
They might have guns
They might have money
But **** it they cant take away my pride
Or my anger towards there power.
People stay quiet
But i wait for the day,
That they are afraid of us,
Because we are more powerful
And we can take apart their power and shove it down their throats
Maybe im a little malicious
But the things I've seen
And the **** they've done
Have made me this way.

I was the type of person
To grasp onto things to tight
The kind of girl who never told her secrets
And kept her mouth shut
So pain couldn't seep into her crevices
Unable to release my grip
Even when it didn't seem right
My fingertips would ache
But I thought it was worth the pain
I used to overthink everything
That if I lost something
I would lose pieces of myself
Then suddenly I would become someone
My heart didn't even recognize
When I lost myself upon the sea
I thought the ocean would slowly drown me
Instead, just like an angle gets its wings
I started to lift
From under the deep ocean floor
I rose from the dead outside my grave
And although the walls were caving in
I started to breathe again
When all is lost, I thought I was the girl who couldn't find her voice
Who was to afraid and full of fear
To tell you her deepest regrets.
I have come to realize
That she was me,
But I am filled with life
Still holding on a little to tight.

You ****** with my head
Turning my arms into strings
My mind into nothing
Im just a puppet with no brain
No heart, no soul
You took away the only thing I was able to control
You took away my youth, my confidence, my strength
You held me by my arms and told me not to move
Even with tears streaming down my face staining the sheets and blood leaving my body
You wouldn't stop
You made me into a puppet
With no will power to move on my own
Just waiting for you to pull another string
And let you **** me

He told his family I was his friend. I didn't get the title girlfriend anymore in his eyes. To everyone I still introduce him as my boyfriend, the love of my life. Yeah, that's him. He's the one. But to him, I'm the friend. Not the love of his life, no not anymore. I was a month ago, now? Now I'm just her. I'm just the girl pondering over thoughts in my head every time I try to go to sleep just wondering when he will take me back. I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, I didn't do anything wrong except not be perfect. I am not a perfect person, I make mistakes and I let people down. But never, I mean never, did I let him down. I was his shoulder to cry on when he talked about his father. When he talked about how sad he used to be. I was there, I was always constantly there. And then he dissapeared. He left without saying goodbye. Yes he still talked to me everyday but he wasn't him anymore he was the guy who broke my heart. And now he will forever be the guy who broke my heart a thousand times in a thousand ways. He looks at me like I still put the stars in his ******* sky he still kisses me like I'm the only girl he will ever kiss. But maybe that's just the way I see it because I want it so badly to be real. It's been a month, a month since the day he broke my heart. I still run whenever he says to come. He has me wrapped around his pinky and I'm holding on for dear life, while he's the puppet master and I'm the puppet on strings.

I cant tell you how my head speaks horrible words to me,
I cant tell you that i fall apart every night
I cant tell you that i sleep in my own tears
I cant tell you that I'm afraid of something thats not even there
I cant tell you that i need your touch to to feel okay
I cant tell you that i need your love so i can be happy again
I cant tell you that i have sadness taking over my body
I cant tell you that i feel like there is a battle inside of me that no one can win
I cant tell you that i feel like i am a storm with lightning striking and thunder crashing
I cant tell you who i really am because you might walk away. And i couldn't bear the pain.

I can see the clouds start to fade
And the roaring wind is dying down
The demons in my head have crawled back into thier holes
The darkness that cover my room now shines with a dull light
My lungs dont feel like thier drowning anymore
The cigarettes still burn, but its not the burning ache i felt before. Its just a relief
The weight on my chest that was a boulder now only seems to be a pebble
I can hear the birds singing now instead of crying
The world is changing

At this time last year i was in love
I was happy
I felt free
I thought i belonged
My heart was whole
And i was a person

Now, at this moment
I am alone
I cant seem to smile
I feel contained
I am an outcast
My heart is shattered in pieces across the floor, like broken glass
And now, i cant tell the difference,
If im a monster
Or if im just invisible.

I looked for love
In a bottle of *****
Spilling out my soul on everyone's tongue
They swallowed my love down their throat.
Calling it spit, they came to me with open arms
And smiles in their shy eyes making me believe I found love in a person with shy eyes
But I only loved how they smelt like alcohol when they whispered my name, or when they lifted up my shirt with hands full of bad intentions. Even the times I knew I shouldn't , I always did. I liked the way they watched me undress, like they wanted me. But only because I was stripping naked in front of them and guys like that just wanted to feel something. I thought I was loving people, but I was hating them, giving all my anger to them for pleasure only to find myself in the same spot
Falling in love
With a bottle of ***** dripping down my throat

Theres this tree beside my old house that we used to live in when my parents were still together, occasionally I drive by, park my car, and stare at the tree that holds so many memories.
I remember climbing the branches higher and higher till my mother screamed from the porch telling me I would fall if I got any higher, ignoring my mother I climbed a few branches higher, listening to the wind sing and the birds harmonize in a beautiful melody, I remember feeling on top of the world, that sensation that I could be anything.
A five year old girl, with curly blonde hair and green eyes dreaming of the world as a huge place that she couldn't get each of her feet on every inch of the earth, it was a scary thought at the time, but peeking out of the branches she always saw a light, maybe it was the sun, but I saw it as hope. That one day the world  won't seem so big anymore, that i'd be able to swim the oceans and hike the mountains.
I'm sixteen now, watching this tree full of memories. Tears form in the sockets of my eyes. Because now I realize that the world is just a little too small, its overwhelming. There are billions of people in this world, and I'm just one. Tears stream down my face, wetting my cheeks, and I can't contain the animal caged inside me, so I release the beast. Bursting into a sob, I see a girl, with blonde curly hair climbing the branches on the tree of memories, her mother yelling from the front porch, telling her to climb down before she gets hurt. Her green eyes lock mine for a second, and she climbs higher, smiling as the sky fills her heart.

You have broken me
Every part
Of my lonely heart
Has been shattered
In millions of pieces
On the floor
I let you break down my walls
Crawl into my mind
And see all the dark parts
I was so scared to let anyone see
But you
You crept in to see the real me
Apparently you didn't like
Everything you were bound to see
And you left
With the door wide open
My walls broken down with bulldozers
Left me in the ruble of the crash
Unbearable and broken

Im staring at the moon
And I know its you
Im looking upon the stars
And I know thats where you are
The twilight sky
Reminds me of your simple eyes
The darkness around me
Is your presence guiding me
As I graze out into the land
I know your providing me a helping hand
Underneath this tree
Is where you told me to meet you at three (a.m)
That was the last night I saw you
And I know I will meet you again soon
Its these nights I miss you most
When I feel so abandoned and lost
You used to give me direction
But now I am constantly losing all affection
I see you in my dreams
Its not as easy as it seems
My dreams turned into nightmares
But I cherish the only moment I see you
Standing ghostly in the darkest night
I know its you

She held the stars in the palms of her hands, watching the universe beyond her dancing on her fingertips she fell in love with the thought of controlling the moon and which way the earth rotates she would give you her hands and pour stars into your glass she would give nights to days and days to nights, so there wasn't any darkness. She gave you the sun while holding the moon. Losing her ways through the stars she became lost in a universe so small it lay in the hands of nothing more than a thought of her.

I fell in love with shadows that creep in and out of the dark
And it made me feel so hollow inside of my lonely heart

I know this world is shaking
But I'm on my knees
I'm Begging you please
To stay with me

Stay with me
Until I fall asleep
Kiss my under the covers
Watch me as I drift of to slumber
I know we're Second hand lovers
Hold my hand in my dreams
Tell me this is not what is seems

I've been staying up late
so Late I can't see your face I've been breaking down
So much I can't hear a sound

I want to trace your scars with my fingertips
Making them shake
I don't want this to end in a heartbreak
Let me feel your scars upon my skin
Make them mine
So I can heal you instead

I've got an ache in my heart
But I've never been scared of the dark
I've tried jumping to my death
And Laying on a train track unable to catch my breath
Seeing the sun set in the distance
Waiting there until midnight just to question my very existence
These walls are colored in red
Blood dripping from my leg
There's a gun on the table
And my body is pretty unstable
The barrel is cold on my temple
With its soft chill of metal
Pressed against my skin
A bullet clicks in
I pull the trigger
Letting go of my finger
The lights go out
It's time to start over right now

I crave the attention but I won't admit it

He said,"I could never let you go."
She replied, "baby, you already left."

She said, "maybe we will meet again, in another lifetime or maybe we won't, we will continue searching for eachother lifetime after lifetime. Trying to find what we have now. It's a sad dark world out there, but between these sheets, with your skin pressing against mine. I feel no fear."

He said, "I love you." And her eyes shot bright like fireflies in the dead of night.

She pressed herself closer to him hearing his sigh of relief as her chest lays on his. Smiling, her caresses her cheek and kisses her forehead. Saying, "I will find you again when the worlds collide."

She walks with elegance
And speaks songs of silence

I took your soul and you burned a hole in mine
You stole my heart and placed it to the side
I threw away all the memories you left behind
It's all just racing through my mind
All those memories wasted nothing but time
There was never a reason to stay and watch the sun die
We just wasted our life trying to see the moon shine
Only to lighten whatever hope we held in hands intertwined

You couldn't even hold me while I cried
Only gave me a look saying I'm sorry that I lied
You tore apart every inch of my insides
My body was begging to just lay down a die
A stranger at the bar bought me a drink and said baby don't worry all you have to do is try

So I gave you another piece of my heart, a second time
You said that life was just a lie and all you could think about was my dark grey eyes
This time your cried

And I was the one who watched you die,
Maybe in satisfaction or maybe in pride.

I am nothing but a beating heart in a still body

Oh, and darling
If you asked
for water
I'd bring you the ocean

I'm in love with the thought of being in love, and which love in itself is a completely different form of love in someone or something. Love is a concept that can be created as a chemical, so understanding the balances of love is understanding being in love. Be in love with your thoughts of conception because I'm in love with mine.

You just wanted someone to *******.

I thought I was over it, I thought I was finally okay again. Then all of the sudden it's like the night it all happened hits me in the chest and knocks me off my feet. Losing my ground and the air in my lungs, I forgot how to breathe. And I'm sitting in my room as I try to write this down, and I know it isn't good enough. Everything seems wrong to say and all the words are making me drown. I want this world to end, but just for me, I want to see all the life in everyone else's eyes except mine. I don't deserve this world, it was never mine to deserve. And now that I'm staring at this screen trying to make all these words make sense. Maybe I'm trying to say goodbye, or hello for the first time. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I guess what's happening is that all this pain is built up inside my heart and I wake up to realize that it's never going away, I thought I was okay but I'm such a liar.

This world is crumbling down
And I'm left in the middle of the rubble.

I have loved to many boys
Who weren't made to love me

I was in love with a boy, who just couldn't handle being in love with me

Like the cigarettes I smoke I enhale these regrets.

"And with my last shaking breath I'd ask you why."

Maybe I'm a little to hurt inside
So I glide the blade along my thigh
Because there's no where left to hide
If I make myself as broken on the outside
Then maybe I won't have any tears left to cry
Maybe I can die
So the world can tell my lie
Of a life with no bright side
All that's left is my bleeding thigh

Dear Trevor Matthew May,

One day far from now, you'll look back on this. You might read it once and shove it in the top right drawer of your desk, or you might re-read every single line till you have it memorized. Maybe you'll take a quick glance at it and blur all the words together to make just one black shadow on the paper. At least it will make you think of me...

Once i told you, that the moon makes me think of you. I remember when i thought that. I was sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette with Lewis Watson "sink or swim" playing in the background. Which we decided that was our song. The moon was just a sliver through the evergreen trees. And thats how i saw you. Even the slightest part of you was so bright that it shined through evergreen trees and warmed my cold heart. Your heat has spread through me like wildfire and there's not much ice left in my body.

I know that your sneezes come in pairs, when one comes, there's always another. I know that you crinkle your nose every few minutes and that your mouth twitches into a small curve when i whisper your name. I know where your sensitive spot is, right below your belt. I glide my hand along your happy trail and your body wriggles and squirms then you burst out in laughter as i hold your face a kiss you till your still.

I used to think that life was this huge ball made of glass that i could throw at the wall and watch it shatter. I used to think that it was all pointless and that nothing lasted forever and it would soon be over. I remember holding death in the palm of my hand. Just a few simple pills that could end everything. As they were starring back at me i realized i couldn't leave, not just yet. I needed to stay, not for myself but for the people around me. I thought that maybe no one would care if i was gone, and maybe they still wont. But i couldn't take the risk. People say suicide is selfish but people don't understand the thoughts running through a suicidal persons mind.

Your eyes are brown with hidden specks of gold flakes in them, they shine golden on a sunny day with the lights just right. I think i fell in love with your eyes because theres this quote from a book that i hold dearly to my heart, "as dawn goes down today, nothing gold can stay." Your eyes remind me of that because some days your eyes are gold and others they're this dark gloomy brown thats warm and comforting. Nothing golden can stay just like the flakes in your eyes or the sun, it always dies for the moon.

I saw you in a crowded room full of people everyday for a year. Sitting in the same classroom, barely knowing each other. I saw your curly brown hair and your smile when you laughed, i noticed the way you move your hands and the way your eyes shifted to mine, everyday i saw you, barely able to say your name. Anxiety was a prison back then, who would have known you would be the one that i fell in love with.

There are moments when i doubt that you love me, there are times when i feel to ahead of myself and i know I'm not ready. But there's never a dull moment with you, its always something and thats when i know i love you. I remember the first time we "tried" to make love to one another. It was a complete disaster, we laughed and giggled at the way our bodies lined up, and your chin hit my forehead and then you'd kiss it to make it feel better, or when we would laugh so hard our belly ached and when we kissed and our lips made the **** like sound.

But i remember the time we did make love, i could feel you, every single part of you. Buried deep inside me, i felt you. I felt us, just one being, one person. I remember crying afterwards because im emotional and i cant handle big things or change. I remember you whispering in my ear, "this will be your real first time". And in that moment i knew, you would be the one to break me. With all your love and all your heart, it would shatter me to pieces in one soft moment.

Theres gonna be times when I'm sad and i don't know why, there will be times when i just want to cry myself to sleep. Its this chemical in my brain that makes me sad, its just an unbalanced chemical.  Im sorry that i cant always be happy. I wont always be the person you want me to be, and for that i am deeply sorry. I want to be the one that will always make you happy, but sometimes i just cant.  I promise you that i will always try my hardest. I will try to make you happy and show you how much i love you, i will try to show you that you are the one.

I could see the fear in your eyes. Screaming at me setting my heart on fire and turning my blood to ice. I felt your breathless soft voice on my neck, "I can't loose you." I felt my stomach turn and wrench when a tear dropped from your eyes and slid silently down your cheek, dropping onto your shirt. I pulled you closer and held you as i knew in my heart that i couldn't let you go.

Love,

Rachael

Please don't rip your heart out trying to save mine.

I promised you that I would follow you into the dark, but I never knew that the darkness was buried deep inside your chest

I am not a person
I am a shadow
Following in the footsteps
Of someone who
I don't even recognize

i am a ******* mess

i am a ******* mess

i am a ******* mess

i am a ******* mess

The truth is, she didn't need a savior; she needed a love to wrap around her caressing her with the sweet sense that someone out there craved her attention.

Lust is such a powerful drug
In seconds you can become so addicted
You don't even begin to realize you are an addict
Just craving lust

My death with be liberating

And I do not say that in the sense
That I am searching for a cliff
To take a good jump off
No.

I am only trying to find an honest way
To tell you
That I am clueless to what happens next.

You see,
There is a fine line between
Dreaming
And mortality.

Dear Trevor Matthew May,

One day far from now, you'll look back on this. You might read it once and shove it in the top right drawer of your desk, or you might re-read every single line till you have it memorized. Maybe you'll take a quick glance at it and blur all the words together to make just one black shadow on the paper. At least it will make you think of me...

Once i told you, that the moon makes me think of you. I remember when i thought that. I was sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette with Lewis Watson "sink or swim" playing in the background. Which we decided that was our song. The moon was just a sliver through the evergreen trees. And thats how i saw you. Even the slightest part of you was so bright that it shined through evergreen trees and warmed my cold heart. Your heat has spread through me like wildfire and there's not much ice left in my body.

I know that your sneezes come in pairs, when one comes, there's always another. I know that you crinkle your nose every few minutes and that your mouth twitches into a small curve when i whisper your name. I know where your sensitive spot is, right below your belt. I glide my hand along your happy trail and your body wriggles and squirms then you burst out in laughter as i hold your face a kiss you till your still.

I used to think that life was this huge ball made of glass that i could throw at the wall and watch it shatter. I used to think that it was all pointless and that nothing lasted forever and it would soon be over. I remember holding death in the palm of my hand. Just a few simple pills that could end everything. As they were starring back at me i realized i couldn't leave, not just yet. I needed to stay, not for myself but for the people around me. I thought that maybe no one would care if i was gone, and maybe they still wont. But i couldn't take the risk. People say suicide is selfish but people don't understand the thoughts running through a suicidal persons mind.

Your eyes are brown with hidden specks of gold flakes in them, they shine golden on a sunny day with the lights just right. I think i fell in love with your eyes because theres this quote from a book that i hold dearly to my heart, "as dawn goes down today, nothing gold can stay." Your eyes remind me of that because some days your eyes are gold and others they're this dark gloomy brown thats warm and comforting. Nothing golden can stay just like the flakes in your eyes or the sun, it always dies for the moon.

I saw you in a crowded room full of people everyday for a year. Sitting in the same classroom, barely knowing each other. I saw your curly brown hair and your smile when you laughed, i noticed the way you move your hands and the way your eyes shifted to mine, everyday i saw you, barely able to say your name. Anxiety was a prison back then, who would have known you would be the one that i fell in love with.

There are moments when i doubt that you love me, there are times when i feel to ahead of myself and i know I'm not ready. But there's never a dull moment with you, its always something and thats when i know i love you. I remember the first time we "tried" to make love to one another. It was a complete disaster, we laughed and giggled at the way out bodies lined up, and your chin hit my forehead and then you'd kiss it to make it feel better, or when we would laugh so hard our belly ached we we kissed and our lips made the **** like sound.

But i remember the time we did make love, i could feel you, every single part of you. Buried deep inside me, i felt you. I felt us, just one being, one person. I remember crying afterwards because im emotional and i cant handle big things or change. I remember you whispering in my ear, "this will be your real first time". And in that moment i knew, you would be the one to break me. With all your love and all your heart, it would shatter me to pieces in one soft moment.

Theres gonna be times when I'm sad and i don't know why, there will be times when i just want to cry myself to sleep. Its this chemical in my brain that make me sad, its just an unbalanced chemical.  Im sorry that i cant always be happy. I wont always be the person you want me to be, and for that i am deeply sorry. I want to be the one that will always make you happy, but sometimes i just cant.  I promise you that i will always try my hardest. I will try to make you happy and show you how much i love you, i will try to show you that you are the one.

Love,

Rachael

I keep typing in this stupid little box trying to think of something clever to say. Anything really, something that might rhyme, it might not. I keep typing in this little box trying to tell you how sad I am and how all these thoughts are tearing at my chest trying to break free out of my heart and my head. I keep typing in this little box trying to say that winter is coming soon, the saddest part of the year. I keep trying to tell you how I don't find sunsets beautiful anymore, I find them fake. I don't wish upon fountains anymore or shooting stats for that matter. I can't believe in a wish anymore. I'm not sure why, maybe because everyone lies. I keep trying to say how I hate roses because they remind me of death and how I hate the way my face looks in the mirror. But nothing seems to come out the way I want it to.

I have fallen in love with my sadness
But I am consumed by my madness