Nikita

Nikita Apr 2020

Fire

Wrap your arms around me
Let’s trade you say
A thousand kisses
For a thousand burns

Let’s dance you say
Instead I bow
I flail, fall and pray
Please, please, oh please

Wake up.
The flames no longer tickle
You no longer want to dance or play
The burns singe my skin, dark and brittle

Check mate.
It’s over.
You’ve won.
You always do.

I never wanted to hurt you.
I’m.
So.
Sorry.

Passion or aggression? It’s a question I ask myself daily. What price am I willing to pay to have a voice?

#game #fire #passion #aggression #poem #poetry #hurt #sorry #sad #angry

Nikita Mar 2020

The Lamp

The soft glow of a lamp
Carved from the earth
Reminds me
Of the warmth
You used to show me

From your tight, loving hugs
That whispered
Stay here
You’re safe here

To your light forehead kisses
That sung
I love you
I care about you

I am now
Left cold
Reaching for a head that is not there

I am now
Left with a lamp
A reminder of you

#love #heartbreak #sad #warm #cold #reminder #heart #missing #isolation

Nikita Mar 2020

Love

You’re back
You’re back and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Will you please-

Your words sing to me
Your laughter ignites something within me
I feel light
I feel safe
I feel at home with you

You’re here
You’re here and it’s strange
I’m so happy but so calm
I’m so content but also anxious
Will you stay?
Please, will you love me?
Really?

#love #safe #relationship #ex #heart #feelings #happy #bright #light #sing

Nikita Mar 2020

A Series - 1

Born with the legs of a baby deer
I sprung to my feet,
Running not from a wolf, not from a bear,
But from a young women
Who raised children with fear

I dived into the room
The one with purple walls,
closed curtains and a box full of dolls

Swallowed by the dark
I was an appetiser
For the shadows yet to come

Looming over the bed frame
Her voice distorted
Her body stretched

In a second, she switched from
A mother to a monster
One with miserable, red eyes

I am recollecting memories of my childhood. This is my series; my story.

#mother #fear #abuse #yelling #healing #trauma #parent #love #hate #anxiety

Nikita Dec 2019

The Line Between Loving and Self Loathing: Thin.

You don’t care enough to fight for me
I care so much that I don’t fight for myself

You say you have to sort yourself out
That you don’t want a relationship with me
But you still want me around?

I hope you sort yourself out
I hope you realise you want me when it’s too late to have me
I hope that you realise you love me when I love myself so much that I don’t need your attention

You’re a young boy
You have a heart of gold but your laziness over time got old
Youre going through a lot and so I am
We need time to find ourselves
I just hope that I also find myself away from the phone when I’m sad and alone

Every first message, every “I miss you” makes me feel more and more desperate and pathetic for a love and acceptance that I was never given

It’s not your fault that I lack love
Why should he have to fill a hole he never dug?

I need to do that for me
I need to do the filling on my own

So that I can be proud of myself and love myself

I’ve been filling my hole for a while why should I hand the shovel over for fives minutes?
Why should I give away sole credit for my resilience?

I’m not a project
Why am so palming off to-do lists to whoever gives me love

I didn’t need love then
I don’t need love now
I’m learning to love myself and until then I’ll share that with who deserves to be around

#love #heartbreak #kindness #selflove #growth #resilience #keepgoing #yourself #alone #lonely

Nikita Sep 2019

NOT ENOUGH

Tell me why
The children of Africa are brung up
Only when I try to scream for help

Tell me why
An echoe implodes inside my mind
Nothing is wrong, its all a show

Like white draped over corpses
Your comparisons muffle my cries

A broken leg is still a broken leg
After a thousand broken necks

So

Depression is still depression
After a couple of sadistic ******

#depression #suicide #valid #help #comparison #poem #poetry #scream

Nikita Sep 2019

Kitchen knife

Preparing dinner
Tying a knot
Swallowing medicine
Running a bath
Driving a car

Tools to live with
Tools to take life with
I want to block out the difference

#depression #suicide #sadness #overwhelming