You keep crossing lines that I divide
The surface reeks of emotional drought
The constants are bleeding through the needling
The mind snaps as the lights go out
******* only numbs the stings
Doubt festering on darkened lines
Taken for granted on the fraying strings
When all the demons have come alive

So sparse were the days, self-inflicted
Where my liNes could do no wrong
Greater were the internal razing of thoughts
Self induced, it never felt so raw
Sordid reality and reaper of flesh
All here is temporary, the pain is reset
Sparse were the days, they compact, compress
Where the eyes could only see the wrong

In mismanagement, the intent is pushing through
Dissecting the body of fate that held us rusted
Give more to take as we break all that we knew
As our feet stampede unknown paths we trusted
In the face of the one who never tries
I cut myself for the sloth that you harbor
And as I lie here in truth dripping from my eyes
While you watch on, desensitized to the horror

So sparse are the days, self-praising
Where my mind could do no wrong
Greater now the internal razing of thoughts
Self infliction, it wouldn't feel so wrong
Replace boundaries, scar the flesh
It's all temporary, the relief is rest
Sparse are the days, they reverb, contract
Where the eyes could see no wrong

I Am Still
A Lost Mind
Looking Through
The Wrong Eyes
To Undo
The Past Times
I Went Through
Thousand Smiles
All That Hide
The Same Lies
The Same Lies
The Same Lies

Somehow this moment repeats indefinitely
The very point in which you heavily defend
The same four words that you say incessantly
An oxymoron that I’ve heard time and time again
But if I agree, then I’m the only one that’s wrong
And if I disagree, it’s “the ending that I’ve wanted all along”

Am I waiting for the same old fight again?
You’ve poked these holes in my heart with safety pins
Expect me to soak my battle wounds in juice ‘n’ gin
When it’s all over, I don’t need another ‘friend’
And when you go, surely I will let you be
But don’t expect to find ‘us’ alive in a future fantasy

Because I am waiting for you to finally be clear
And I am waiting for the last words that I’ll want to hear
Planned your routine until the cycle breaks down
If you were alone, then why was I always around?
And if I never truly cared right from the start
Could you honestly say you’d make it this far?
If you’ve done it all on your own with no one’s help
Maybe you should be fine to continue by yourself.

Somehow you’re always coming back to this
And I fill in the parts where irrationality would miss
Painted my story black and white and red so you could see
That there’s nothing between the lines you couldn’t read.

Here now
the pain of love’s bitter reality… surrounds me
But how
can they be better if love always leaves…
every time? (Lost in a fevered dream)
Every time.

But if we lie now, will we make it?
If it hurts, surely I can take it…
Is this really what we both need?

Is someone better who you’re dying to see
or is someone better who you’re trying to be?

Love, now
You’ve poisoned everything in my reprieve…
with insecurities
And now
You’ve returned with doubts, undoubtedly…
You’d love me (was it an opportunity?)
To hate me.

Is there someone better that you’re dying to meet
or are you waiting for someone better than me?
Will I be a better someone for setting you free
or am I someone better that I can’t see?

Someone better… (for the love that you need)
Someone better… (for the love that I seek)

Time and time again, you push me to the brink
To abandon ship and swim before we sink
But these thoughts don’t fade away when I sleep

Isn’t someone better who you’re supposed to be?

Because you were the one fall in love with me

The future is no surprise if you can predictably
say ‘someone better’ is someone I’m gonna meet?
Cause I’m sure as hell that someone better isn’t someone I need
If someone better is who you’re supposed to be.

Is someone better God has yet to create?
Because someone better always seems to escape
“Someone better” - an excuse to abandon and break
When you won’t accept your love’s been a mistake.

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

The outer heart is dense
Made for nothing but defense
But every now and then, something pierces
But when it’s repairing the damage done
What of that which overcomes
It is constantly breaking through, creating lesions
So little the reparations mend
What little alive left to tend
When the tissue is dead and sordidly forgotten
Death will come from all that it's abandoned
Heartbeats constant yet instable
Will bring anyone down to their knees
Heartbeats that become unable
To liberate, only condemned to defeat
The outer heart shall rot and expose
What once was too precious to behold
Is now fighting until its last breath
Ill-prepared and defenseless still
Oft fueled by only pure will
Through all the abuse that the inner heart will suffer
None worse than sabotage by the love of another
Heartbeats lapsed, confused and fleeting
Destroyed after all it had found
Heartbeats faint, profuse bleeding
Drowning in pools on the ground

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

I've swallowed whole my humble pie
For years now without remorse
I was content to leave it all as such
And let all things take its 'natural' course
But then I learned I could take a pen
And weave words around a rhythmic display
If it wasn't for that fateful chance
I wouldn't be half the man I am today

Because when I get sad, I close the door
And I cry
But when I get sad and think of these words
I get by

These words are my reconciliation
To a life in which I can relate
But I feel so shameful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine

For years to come, I would covet this
A final poem, a final prose
And in the hours that past me by
I never seem to write any of those
These words I love to put to the test
As if tried and true never failed
And in my path comes consequence
of the catered streams where they wade
I've used them up, I've brought them down
On many, oft without mercy or delay
Without them, I'd never get this far
I'd never tell you in this way

But when I get here and close the door
I can get by
But when I'm alone with these words
I still cry

These words are my appreciation
Something I can dedicate
But it’s often so painful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine

©2015 Neal Emanuelson

With fierce eyes turned towards the dawn
A tightly balled fist rose to the heavens
Parting smiles, carbon particles, and atoms
Collided and separated

And in the split of an atom second
The world caved into her mouth
Diffused with saliva-like opinions
And spit into the ocean fusion

A tear of wish amongst the sea foam rocks
Dashed by the sharp pangs of truth
Cutting deeper into her gaze
I fell out of expectation

Without a breath of hope under the torrent
Faltering a rescue of a retracted hand
Mirrored to the sky and sea
A lover gone to a memory

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

Her doorway holds the way between
His hand and the heart he spilled
About faith
Lean against the walls in time
All in wait for her reply
Something meaningful to help return the hurt
They speak about the their world in turns
Sudden break within the boundary
Of the levees of her closed and drying tears
Opens the doorway
With brighter eyes; Return

The time slows by
And earth shall not cease to turn

Against the wall
Light shadows mood
In lieu of promises no one sure to keep
He’s not a liar, so he thought
He holds on painfully a bit too tight
She’s crushed within a comforted grip
Her eyes no longer separate between the lives
Seen reasonable or rational
To believe his words today
And the coming days with smile and a tear

The time slows by
And earth shall not cease to turn
Spinning silently when nothing’s right
Leaving hesitantly when nothing’s wrong

The doorway holds two worlds between
Closed eyes and the shudders of their dreams
Memories in reverse repetition, slowed

© 2008

Complacencies beneath the burning leaves
Warranted by the rise and shine
The world turns without disturbing dirt
Sedated like a dream in constant suspension

Well the sunlight revealed some truth
Hidden in grass beneath the meadow
But the forest kept its peace with guard
By the trees relentless shadows

Maybe it’ll come down.

The sun is bullying its turf
The earth no longer fears its shine
The sun will reveal the earth
The earth will be exposed in time

Well, innocence comes in early months
And changes truth through summer visions
But when the cold comes slowly in
The sun has forgotten its decision

Maybe it’ll come down.

© 2008

Oh hail toothbrush, haven’t seen you since last night
I’ve returned again to cleanse an overbite
Spread the paste thick and minty across your bristled skin
Over the lips and on the culprits, 007 of oral hygiene going in

****, it feels good-

Morning scrubs do away with yesterday’s store appetizer samples
Clinging and eroding the ceramic protection of my enamels
Its poor thin concealing of my porcelain I must protect
Just a little more push and pull- haven’t even eaten breakfast yet
Foaming at the mouth, rabid plague of plaque I’m getting rid of
What extra harm for today’s meals I should have considered

But it’s alright-

My dentist smiles and offers a primary root canal adjustment
But the filling he’s drilling in won’t do too much for my budget
One hand to my jaw could cause my little car to swerve
Unbearable agony from the glass casing encasing that vital nerve

One hole’s enough for today-

Make it home, disgusted jaw line of cotton by the mirror
Spit soaked clouds are temporary relief for bearer
Grab the blender, toss it up, eggs and bacon with my juice
It’s no use- my straw’s stuck with gunk and nothing’s coming loose.

But what about this canker sore?

© 2008

She received a letter
Dreaded in these modern times
What belonged in her arms
Was armed on the front lines
Thoughts buried softly in shells of gunfire
Paper clenched in her hand, barely left there
Breathing

She stands in her dismay
“He will return to me someday.”
Her mind pacing through her memories
As her days aged longer still
She clings to reasons no one will
Until he set foot back in his home
She would rest here alone.

She received a phone call
Picked up with a hopeless taste
Hospital front desk states
Her lover won’t be home today.
Forever waiting by dimming porch light
She stares awake in her chair, left alone there
Breathing

And the years fade on
“He just can’t be gone.”
Pictures fading with all her memories
As the door creeps open slow
The only footsteps she could know
Return safely home to her arms
No longer could she be alone.

© 2008

These kinds of words are overused
Stuck to those that emit untrue
The ones that keep the eyes you knew
His common sense was overrated

Her burden is a heart of a fool
His admired eyes fed off her abuse
How those feelings become misused
In his mind, he was hers- subjugated

Behind the trees, with eyes so bruised
That heart of his caught her flu
A piercing scene she put him through
Her lips on another, body capsize

The sink overflows, the mother cries
Shadows hide the bullet’s pride
The sun commits another suicide
Crashing into the cold horizon.

Let’s blame it all on two,
Let’s blame it all on two,
Let’s blame it all on you…
And see what she let die.

© 2008

Screams were heard out in the pastures
and came a horizon much like ash on the hearth
Shadows moved infinitely
The sounds grew diminutively
The prelude to the rapture of the earth.

The Dead caught quickly to the masses of souls
Hailing words and weapons of demonic origin
Carrying the faces of no strangers
Those once loved threaten dangers
Of what was human, but now suffused in sin.

Lives flooded the pathways ‘tween houses
Terror coated their faces like a blinding veneer
The feeble fell sprawled
Crushed in panic by all
Those they had once cherished and trusted so dear

“The most primitive of emotions begets the bonds once made
when one would gladly **** their child to live another day.”

The hooded figure had spoken this truth to the King
In a voice so trustful, endearing, yet cold
“A miracle, for you, can be given
To save men, women, and children
But I will take the most precious of treasures you hold.”

The King gave no reply in the earnest of propositions
Yet rendered this a miracle none could pass.
“Only in exchange for a treasure,
One of your choosing- my pleasure,
But of my most precious, what could you possibly ask?”

From under the hood came an un-ethereal voice
“Your soul shall be all that I’ll need...”
With fiery sparks and a turn
The fabric had burned
Exposed his dark presence- Mephistopheles.

A deal with the darkest of Princes bodes endless misery
“Your God has forsaken you; your destiny now  lies with me.”

The King fell down to his knees in despair
For his life, his Kingdom could be spared
“You’d take my life and not my kingdom
My people must have their freedom.
For such, no misery in your hell could ever compare.”

Mephistopheles erupted with such contentment
The Kings folly- pure, innocent and bare
Without sound or sight
The King’s soul, crushed pure light
Mephistopheles disappeared in a dark wisp of air...

-End of Part III-

Over the river and lost in the woods
Made of fun-house mirrors built directly into ventricles
Of one heart beating through an overdose of chemicals
Thoughts drowned in the peptides of shores in the ‘waiting room’

Bygone feeling splashing all around for a lifeguard living with his guard down
His days went from providing his scarf to providing his hearth
To days in and out of compromising his mirth

He’s told “It gets better as it goes.”
He says, “It’ll be dead by tomorrow.”
They say “Come on now, life isn't filled with sorrow…”

And apparently, the dissonance is covered by a distance of another;
He’s a folly to the blood-and-water chapter
Speaking of mixing soluble matters…
The truth will often leave a bitter taste
But are the lies dissolved in accepting change?
Sometimes the words and visuals just aren't the same.

So today, he took three things out of his heart and mind
Left social phobia, some truth, but mostly lies behind
He will be the allergy to compassion and all that’s empathic
He will suffer; he will grieve; he will be pathetic
And then he will just go.

She was running through his mirrors, waiting for bandages and gauze
He was privy to the scene as his mirrors stayed intact without a flaw
Watching himself scar up the reflective measures; making transparent views of pleasure
Until one broke; exposing a familiar scene of brick, last place he etched his soul forever
And in ambition to recover, stopped her in the moment that marks a desire to discover
But he failed in ways most intricate
Wrapped by the sharpest lines of the most delicate
Sinew that warped the core of something the void could use to replace truth that were self-evident -

But… no.
He’s digressing from the path
There was no particular reason to even do the math
The numbers didn't add up to what he had previously squandered
She was fresh to a life that she may never have encountered
With him; it was just vying for affection through a virulent infection
And it was a part of her that stepped in that day, a partial fit to the display
Fresh paint on the decay

So today, he took three things out of his heart and mind
Left insecurity, rationality, and his future behind
He became a monster to dishonor and a liar to himself
He’s disgraced; he is inane; he is unwell
And then he will just go.

He has been completely unable to dissect himself and put back the pieces without a coming up short a third-party to my misery
He has been completely distrusting of those whose lives have never felt equal pain overflowing from his tragedies
He has been routinely maintaining dispositions that contradict on every semblance of a trusting word in my vicinity
He has been completely dishonest about my conditions as if they were just failed attempts at analyzing strategies

I have been the juxtaposition to every single saintly word as he chose isolation prone to my own forms of devilry
I have been the very epitome of a mask that cries behind every nonchalant smile displayed like a centerpiece
I have been an undependable source of confidence ever since he broke skin through my poetic farce of empathy
I have been completely unreceptive of every word a kind voice has ever come to lend selflessly

And he has been a ******* child without remorse and word to those that have ever cherished me

So today, I took three things out of my heart and mind
Left the hate, the damage, and instability behind
I will become a martyr that defends nothing to prove
I will be unable; I will fail; I will lose.
And then I will go.

© 2015 Neal Emanuelson

Of the silence in this mind
Life once taken isn’t sacred
Staring at a mirror with one’s self, half-naked
After learning to accept the pain, there’s was nothing to escape it
One could make it better than fate ever did  

Can’t understand what one was doing; just escaping
Jailing one’s self with their own personal hate and
Hiding away from the mental wardens that one stayed with
Discarding one’s self to remember that one had a very hand in
The destruction to the very world one was contained within

One believed it’s right, so the argument is always “*******-
go fix your life before you act like you’re a **** God.”
It’s a long way from accepting all the blade does
But it never fails and the lines eventually fade off

Could be a saint and come to one’s defense
Or shut the **** up and watch from the ******* fence
Worn this mask so long, one tends to forget to fake it
Disillusioned to one’s self and all the things that make it

More lines to breathe across the skin appear soon
A novella of pain with no words to read through
Handling a smile like accessory to hide instability
Always showing through, but truly just a shell of ‘me’
Despite the calm you see
Through laughs and jeers
One still feels lost and uncontrolled
Everything warm when one’s heart turned cold

No chance to correct it, just craving an exit
Took the knife last night, now the demons are rested
Took the chance last night, now dried and decrepit
Relapsed again tonight, and one’s mind is repressive
Wrote about a horrid time, and now it’s all depressive

Happy stars and pussycats, unicorns and other ****.

©2015 Neal Emanuelson

And then there's the blood
But I can't feel my own skin
A knife in the hands of volatility
The sight of my own, estranged
Losing a handle on reality
Although it was never all that firm
I’ve lost the meaning in morality
As well as the meaning in this mortal boundary
Was the knife in my hands cause I'm shaking
In the mirror I stare, my vision is fading
Is it the end again?

The tiles are stained so deep in my masochism
A fitting match to this porcelain heart
The broken lines that I've utter may reflect
the lines that I have etched on myself
Cutting away the innocence or whatever was left
The damage is forever unending
Slipping in the broken pieces and bleeding
In the hours I’ve screamed through the pain awakened
Through the red, white, and black I’m escaping
In remembrance of what I’ve forgotten
Regrets that have could never be amended
Is it the end again?

In the bitter solace
of this silent abyss
I am not the one I thought I was before

I want to escape
But I’ve punished fate
By myself to be here where I don’t belong

The reasons cease to be
A recourse that appeals to me
I've found naught but a glimmer
[[I found you instead]]

And so I cut away
This decay of flesh and hate
I've been dressed in since I've known my face

I may have hastily
Said this meant more to me
But forever is such a caustic lie

And now you are in me
Accosted and withering
I cut this stubborn sinew
[[I had once called a heart]]

So I bleed to breathe
And bleed to believe
The pain is merely a wake up to the end

To the end of me
A bliss-less eternity
My hands are cold, but my vision never so clear

Now will you call for me
And hear my eternity
The lifeless saga of a lost savant

© 2015

I remember the same look in your eyes
As we went on the same ride
Disappointment followed the weight of your strides
And we went on the same ride
Caught on the dreams of another lonely teen
Saw you peeking through as it ripped at the seams
I only remember the same look in your eyes
As we went on the same ride

You spoke colors and I spoke terms
That you knew we’d never learn
And in the times we thought of love
But there’s too many lies in truth
Even though you've promised change
I cut my hands on the same words
And I keep on bleeding

I remember the sound of your sighs
As we dreamt on the same skies
Turns out they held onto another’s night
As we dreamt on the same skies
And if I could see it coming just like this
Maybe I could make sure I wouldn't miss
I only remember the sound of your sighs
As we dreamt on the same skies

You spoke in years and I spoke in days
Of things we could never say
And in the times we thought of hope
But there’s far too many truths in lies
Even though I've promised change
You cut your hands on the same words
And you keep on bleeding.

We breathe in truths and speak in lies
Of all the wishes that had died
And if we could start it over once again
But we've lost too many chances now
We can always promise change
But we’ll keep cutting hands on the same words
And we’ll keep on bleeding

And you’ll keep on bleeding.


And I’ll keep on bleeding.

© 2014

Sitting so peacefully on a window sill,
Eyeing the world as it sees you cry.
Your window becomes your gateway,
Your world, and your prison in hell.

A transparent frame to focus your sight
On the joys of others not known.
You’d love to be with them, but alas
You are a simple outcast behind glass.

As your heavy sigh breathes a canvas
You toy around with your written feelings.
This message, shown to the onlookers,
Will be your communication and aid tonight.

Send them the message that you want out,
Out of this life behind a clear barrier.
Find that the one looking inside your world
Could be your own self, wanting to look in.

© 2004

She’s talking through my dreams again
Always the same as she’s always been
Dressed in distress and decadence
Soaked in hate up to her lovely dress
My favorites threes since
My second, better death

Forever her eyes up to the sky
Above her head a broken halo shines
Infinite repeat so easily broken
And that’s when I hear the words
She’s finally spoken up to me
With the slyest grin

“I’ll cook your heart inside of mine
Drip into every atom of your mind”
As scared of her as I should’ve been
I could not resist and let her into
My broken arms, so full of sin
Caked with blood and my lasting regrets

My troubled world starts to crave pain
The dream begins and I enslave her
Scarred and beautiful as death in her skin
I behold her true but is it only… because I’m lost?
Or am I lonely?
Without a soul to bind me
I’d leave this place all behind and say goodbye

But where I fell is where I stay drained of will
And in my dreams she never fades away until
Opulence in impurities and confident insecurities
Have ravished her frame from days on end within
My fevered lust, which has come betrayed with truth
And lies, I turn to her “I love you still, but will let you loose
Upon this world as I’ve done before- never return to me
Anymore.”

But then, she returns again.

© 2014

I don’t know whether at once
She was happy or infuriated
When I saw her, as I’ve seen her cry before
But in joyous confusion I consoled her
Caressing her fear and loneliness aside
Along with the hate raging inside her tears

Talks for hours consumed us yet again
And sleep never followed long into the night
Replaced with eons of lost laughter and joyous memories
At least… that is what I’d wish for her.

I do admit that this is only just a dreamt folly
As she continues her days without thought
Of the mistaken one that longs yet for her
But unable to show outside of simple lines
Known, unknown, cared and uncared
These words reach out to grasp a wisp of sound

Tumbling longingly into the memories once had
Now without thought I myself write about her
In mistaken hopes of gaining that which should not be gained
To heal a decade of wounds that cannot be healed
And so I only write, neither with name nor truth but my own
and hope her life prosper without falling back into my arms

At least… that is what I wish for her.

© 2014

The peace had lasted quite some time in
The shallow corners of my tiny mind was
Utter silence of the oddest tune.

Did I crave your voice to ruin the
Tranquilities which were pursuant since
You left me for nothing less than fine?

How I could wish for a great calamity
Of wind and fire, of earth and sea to
Upset this lonely fate of mine.

And yet here you stand again with
An open hand, slyly hiding a grin on
That unmistakable face of yours.

But just where have you gone- better yet
Where have you been?
What exactly have you done- and just how
Many of them are sins?

In an amiable attempt to reconcile, I saw
You relent and caught a smile when you
Offered your hand in an earnest jest

I questioned you and this sudden change
The pieces laid out as if a game was played
And they were all in your favor.

You’ve been so fond of clever tricks and tease
And I felt implored to take my leave of
Your haughty presence at once

But despite the awful things I’ve learned of you
Somehow my thought keep drifting to the
Wishful corners you occupy in my mind

Who were you now- better yet,
Who have you been?
Why exactly did you return?
And why do I keep letting you in?

And in my quivering hands were yours entwined in mine
And despite all that I’ve said, I chose you every time
And every time that you leave because I’ve said goodbye
You come back again, to stand in front of my own eyes.

For lack of better judgment, and lack of better taste
I’ve come to accept this fiendish look upon the face


Of myself in this mirror.

© 2014

She was dressed like a sweet mint candy drop
And roaming through the aisles as if to shop
For a new adventure and a brand new taste

Caught up no less than a romance film’s drama
A little boy that was ‘fresh from his mama’
Out to explore the Candy Store one day

And the aisles slept like a movie reel running
Just to end when the suspense starts coming
A thread of taffy that could be called ‘love’

But who could surmise that the taste was such a dud
And that both candy hearts had trampled through the mud
Just like a thousand little wrappers on the ground

Felt it like it was just another yesterday
When his candy heart was on display
And he could see the joy twinkle in her eye

For the life of him, he could’ve seen it coming before
As it she let it slip and shatter on the floor
The moment she finally said “Goodbye.”

As I fail to subdue my demon
I separated the instruments I craved
I’ve dripped and spattered
I cringe and spasm
Another comes again and again

As I fail to repel my demon
I covered up their flaws
I’ve wrapped and bandaged
I hide and wonder
When the next will come again

As I failed to overpower my demon
I exposed my every wound
I’m tattered and torn
I revel and dance
As it emerges through me again

As I have become my demon
I’ve nothing left to hold back on
I regret and revile
I judge and remorse
And wait to become a demon to my own again

© 2014

I'm ashamed to believe
I thought you had answers to questions I had to ask
But learning of you, I've questioned you more
And now I’m wondering why
What do I do?
Can I pay the price when you say it’s due?
The tricks of the trade that I thought I knew
You've seen them all because they were no use
But despite all the conclusions that I've come up to
You've defied every one and there's only one left
That I can accept

I’m ashamed
This firm assumption I can always defend
Till the end
I'm ashamed
For what I've taken from you to use
Because I’d take again and again

I'm afraid to see you now
Avoiding every glance to make it safe somehow
Detoured and yet again, I’m cornered
Because you're at my every turn
And I’m wondering how
How did you come true?
For what have you've gotten this close to me to do?
And have you gotten what you needed to?
Now this push's come to shove, still I lean on you
There's nothing else that I've come to trust
But you've never lie to me, yet I knew
That you’ll betray my instincts again

I'm afraid
This constant fear that I've gained from you
You're gone, but even then
I’m afraid
You'll come to collect when my price is due
And I'm running again and again

I know there’s no use; I would have never won
You’re far too kind to chase me every time I run
The days never end
But now I’m giving myself back to you
To end this eternity
Despite all you could've done to collect me

I'm ashamed I'm afraid
I'm afraid I'm ashamed

The mongrels had come to pick me apart
But then I had learned of the darkness at heart
I'm ashamed

The snow of that day where you've carried my will
The dead are still scattered and the earth barren still
I'm afraid

You've come to collect, yet I still run away
I thought I could live out the last of my days
I'm ashamed

Here I surrender and my heart is my key
My life's torn asunder, in hell we will meet
I’m afraid

© 2014

It was barely just a thought
But it circled like a vulture
I never meant to give it more
Than a scrap of a voice

It was barely just a word
But it dragged you down
Weighing like a feathered stone
At the lobes of your ears

It was barely just an inch
I saw you move just as quick
I scarcely breathed the moment
And saw you disappear

And it was barely just a year
Until I heard you return
And the vultures are waiting
For barely just a thought again.

© 2014

Atoms circulate between the nuclei of touch
Schrodinger’s laws exposing deceit and truth
Lamenting in the protons, electrons, and neutrons
Encircling the senses between the eyes and fingers

Particles flow between the elements of breathing
Of soul, of emotion, and memories worn thin
In terminal velocities of thought and contemplation
Barriers of consciousness and reality

Molecules of intentions, intricate and delicate
Bound together by ionic twists of fate
And strained into bent bonds of insecurity
Providing violent reactions of regrets

Ions, formed in this union, complicate the formula
Indifferent to the imbalance between the sighs
Requiring the impact, to leave a free electron of motive
Resulting in a positive change of heart and mind

© 2014

And in the shallows of time she laid
Fated on the unclear ripples of uncertainty
Yet seeing through the mists and murky depths
Made claim her life is finite and impact undefined
She floated amongst dreams without fear and obstacles
And loved all with strong words aside from her own
As fate would recall her, she was naught an angel
But shone brilliance onto the water’s surface
Was naught a demon bearing ill nature
But tempted good fate with every word
Her life, lived; her bounds, boundless
And every moment in stride without fear

For her memory, I honor her my words in heart
And live to breathe another day amongst the scattered leaves
Only admiring her fiery strength and determination abound
I could only wish her a final farewell, delayed, but earnest
To see her off to the rivers and seas beyond her shallows

In loving memory Ina, always.

© 2014

Immorally, my lustful gaze eyes in a false bid to need you
Unappeased from the respites of my attempts to dream you
And in my efforts, I’ve still yet to ascertain my conviction to find you
But until then, an entire sense devoted to imagination to taste you
However, taste is a mean fraction of my malicious, intent to use you
And in a blinded craving, good intentions eluded, will involuntarily scar you
In a perverted aim to behold and savor you, to protect, enjoy and *******
Is the beginning of my undoing, as I callously sin again and again, and break you

And then with no further defense but to erase you,
and politely in my heart, I move bitterly to bury you,
I return fruitlessly to the beginning again, to need you.

© 2014

Consciously unavoidable and these thoughts do persist
Because in time all will cease to exist in this state of mind
Occupied and reoccupied with tangible artifacts of a memory
In this present day of the long past in the short future’s ascension

May it shatter lungs in its recourse or asphyxiate the will
Seizing all oxygen of thought and a last spark of regret
May well rally life in mourning of the clock’s tick last
But with the last tock’s tick, the final second passes numbingly slowly

The bitter reality never knows how it comes about
And the bitter truth is its best never to know
As it comes often silently, sometimes loudly in its realization
It’s the sunset of all memory and life one holds
Known best by the bitter name
Death.

© 2014

And I’ve erred to try loving you
As I’ve dreamt of gazing upon your moons
For the smiles of your suns
Burn intensely through my intentions
Even in your shadows
Where my honesty becomes bitter
Within your cruel eyes
I’m blinded by a solemn light
Merely to follow afterimages, faint and frail
Leading to estranged pastures
Of masked sins basking in the meadows
Only a deceitful tranquility
As on these bladed dreams do I bleed in peace
Feeding my lustful hope
Of a fruitless love into the soil beneath me
Growing nothings short of
Forget-me-nots in a memory-less heart

© 2014

Love sounds like a bitter chore
Three more words said by liars
Laced with only good intents
Yet dies before it breathes
Yearning for another life

Eventuality becomes eternity
And silently those words are taken
Caught up again in the bittersweet rush
And brought down again by the same old
Tired ball and chain of fate

Easier to feign ignorance with age
Practicing words for old time's sake
With no one on the end to receive
The hollow words can only echo since
Their meaning lost far too long ago

© 2014

It is these kinds of people
That take and consume
Out of kindness and sincerity

It’s our kind of people
That allow this to continue
Taken for granted and abused

It’s her kind of people
That are stereotyped and misjudged
Slurred by prejudice and sexism

It is his kind of people
Blinded by forced upon masculinity
To be a man by fist and violence

It is my kind of people
That takes to silence and words
To create a voice powerful and raw

It is your kind of people
To take heed of importance and morals
And right that which has wronged for centuries

These kinds of our kind of her kind and
His kind of my kind of your kind.
All in all will fall in kind until we all fall kind in kind.

© 2014

Cut it around the bend,
Eyes focused on the descent of time
A droplet ascertaining life
Dripping with momentous flow
Unadulterated and unimpaired
The form of a will occupies the air
Cut it around the bend,
There is nothing to the descent of time

Covered with unsteady palms
The warmth of these guilty hands
Swelling red from where pain still stays
Marked by the bitter pangs
Of the memories that persist and fight to remain
The feelings that soak in deep as much as they stain
Covered with unsteady palms
There is no warmth in these guilty hands

Streaked and aligned amongst tiles
A redden life will begin to grey
Now parallel to a cold horizon
Intoxicated by yet another day’s
Reminder of priors and those yet to come
Motions kept by the rise and setting of suns
Streaked and aligned amongst tiles
There’s nothing left of life but grey

It’s all over.

© 2014

And it came like a crash
Enveloping us in a low warmth
Employing its fevered reach to hold us down
And without a word, it came again and again
Relentless and ongoing, restless and immortal

It whispered calm and destructive words
To ease and frighten us into a false sense of security
Lulling a sweet compromise for life and understanding
With a caress and a sigh, more questions than answers
It robbed us of everything all at once

So there we stood, stripped of reason and innocence
Blind and unconcerned for safety and unheeded warnings
Confiding in each other for life and companionship
To wander aimlessly without purpose and end
Coming to call the sacred demon by a single name

Love.

© 2014

Dash of lust in a cup
And poured from a passionate heat
Brew a romance, soaked in time

Stirred with a spoon of love
Double tap the edge of caution
Dripping drops of sensual ripples

Steam dances into the air
Caressing the surface and disappearing
As the taste hits the tongue

Urges cease on the taste-buds
Cuddling the heat and piquancy
Affectionately warming a soul within

My tea is done.

© 2014

Carried my memories all the way home
Protecting them from uncertain lies
Held back the hopes I left undone
Realize I am as I appear to be

Harmed myself with every bitter truth
Defended with the sweetest of lies
I've sought out a heart of the past
But have naught but the present’s pain

I live for the love we had achieved
Yet wounded by the love we've lost
On my own, I can manage the pain
But need a crutch to carry this weight

Is it better to watch it die in a while
than to see suffer and struggle alive?
Rather than that, I fall to my knees
In self-defense of a regretful heart

After tonight, I’ll bury this dream
With the memories of what they could bring
In the backyard of my mind’s house
Like a criminal in desperate times

© 2014

The Lord spoke of words today
Reminding me of how much He has given me
Caught unaware by the words that He said
Revealing the sins of my broken faith

And as my luminous wings began to fray
He began pulling my feathers, one by one
Until I was naught more than broken man, afraid that
I have faithlessly sought only after His forgiveness

I begged him, “Please, of what sins and immoralities
had brought me so far away from your pathway
towards salvation and your forgiveness?”

And He said, “But you’re the one that slipped away.”

The devil spoke of words today
Reminding me of how much I owed him
Lost in the thoughts of what he had said
Revealing threads of his devious puppetry

By the strings and by a finger’s delay
I danced his twisted show of mockery
Despite how much I struggled to break free
I depended far too much on his malicious guidance

I begged him, “Please, of what uncertainties
had brought me so far down this pathway,
towards misery and your relentless tug?

And he said “You’re the one that’s slipped away.”

©2014

All I really know is…

Used to be a time and place
Where the sky was a bookcase, filled cover to cover
And I’d pick out a cloud to read
Drift away in dreams and then I’d go choose another
That’s all that really mattered to me

I wanna know that I…

Used to be so brave and carefree
Where I’d go climb mountains just for her laughter
Just to hide a heart, so scared
Hide it away from anything that could cause it to shatter
And that’s all that really mattered to me

All I really know is I…

Used to be I felt less alive
Trial and tribulations left me down in the gutter
And I felt like taking my life
These days, I think that the scars look a lot better
But that never really mattered to me

I don’t wanna know that I…

Used to be so gentle and safe
When my time was consumed by a lover
Then came the day I arrived
Distant and cold, my soul in 405’s brick n’ mortar
But she’s still all that really matters to me

That’s all that really matters to me…

© 2014

Freedom is the woman that doesn’t know I love her
As I watch her from the distance of passing heartbeats
It’s a strange affection that I long to grasp
My touch upon her skin and lips joined
It is a folly of a romance in thought and truth

Captivity is the young lady that knows our love is gone
Denying the truth from a vacant window
She eyes and tries and pries into my life
Looking to gain back what kept me from her
It is simply that which lead me to stray

Betwixt, I find Solace- the mistress that is unaware
Out meetings are coincidental at best
She gives me the same comfort as she does all the others
But Solace could never be my lover.

So I remain unlovable at best.

© 2014

And there the tears find eyes again
looking through these pictures
once thought burned.
Stored away with happy things-
some shirts, a cookie, a missing ring,
and a kiss sworn to keep.

While the memories are still lingering
in the eyes and the smile that
will always be adored,
But saddened by the ending of love
the twisted feelings, the loss of trust,
and hurt that still isn’t gone.

It still won’t go away, it’s in the picture
where she laid beside me.
Hiding away from shying eyes that
followed me in private times…

And still thinking of…

Thinking of the white room where she
stayed and sighed of the final days
coming to a close.
Remember the scent of heavy rain-
Some drinks, a bouquet, a passion strained,
and still no way to make up for lost time…

Hide them again in a file and
think that it’ll be a while until
they’re rediscovered again.
Stored away with a solemn key-
A tear, a password, a silent scream,
and a promise- sworn to return.

© 2014

Candlelight, in a garden of sinners where she arose
Tending to the roots in bloom whose sins she knows
Blistered truths in faulty holes planted so firm
And yet she comes each day, brandishing scissors

One by one, the sinners fall, lives cut far too short
Into the waters that that have known no peace
Since the first breath that she breathed in her plight
Falling into sleep as soon as the last one swept undertow

Lost in the undergrowth beyond her time
Seeking the gardener’s unholy wings
She has found the cradle of what she needs
To survive and stray from a torture birthed endlessly

Without pleasure or fear of silence, she awaits
A special soul that grows from nothingness
Budding from the hollowness in her own
Immaculate growth from a tainted source

And in blossoming, her hopes are dashed away
As the void is filled with nothing but falling petals
The hope of a miracle in such a world of hate
Lacks the fruition of life to achieve full bloom.

Thus, she sleeps again to awake to a new day
Never realizing that the hope is her torture
To change her fate from the endless tiling
Means to change herself from the endless hoping.

© 2014

At night, you dream of magic and the
Dream comes out like clockwork
Precision actions, present like the
Wolves I keep at bay just to assure
You have the sweetest of smiles

Now that you’re awake and gone
Now that your pillows are cold
Now that your bed is all alone
Where do I go?

You rest your head again on the
Gates of a nightmare that I have
To protect you, I lay down my
Dreams so hollow and cold
Fighting fire with fire again

Now that you’re awake and gone
Now that your pillow fully soaked
Now that you’ve escaped what you fear most
Where do I go?
Where can I go from here and just where
Is the light of day you promised
To wake me from the nightmares you
Swore were never real.

© 2014

The moon shines
And it defines a halo
That is worn too thin
Hanging limp from her throat

Grace will fall
And the skies will part

The treetops brace
And isolate the impact
A small opening to hell
With a broken wing she’ll roam

Grace has fallen
And the ground will part

No angels beckon
Nothing to protect calls out
But as if guided by forgotten memory
She walks straight back again

Grace had fell
And the sky won’t call

Invisible signs guide her eyes
To the stairway He forgot
The steps paved with glass tears
And the barbs of regrets

Grace will rise
But the path will weep

With the blood of the mindless angel
Following back to the start again
Forever falling from a pedestal
Deserved and unwanted.

© 2014

White chocolate suicide
This drizzle’s ****** ***
Hard whipped, it tantalizes
Steals air from her lungs

Five scoops of velvet flesh
Slight hint of cherries, bruised
This pleasure grows amidst
Flushed cheeks so rosy hued

Toss in a little cyan-dye
Sweet taste of passion blue
If dessert could ****, she’d die
To savor something new

It’s time to take a bite
Before it melts away
Might just take all night
It’s kidnapped her days

Searing as it warms her thighs
Wintry as it chills her bones
Soft-shell too hard to hide
Each taste’s a lustful moan

What’s better than her sweets
Covered in delightful gems?
Unparalleled this frozen treat
Even to her thoughts of him

© 2014

Waking up from the happiness towards the moments I now feared
As the shadows of the moon have all but softly disappeared
Is it a waste counting down the days to finally accompany you, my dear?
Believe me when I said I’ve never felt so far from… closure.

Deep within those eyes so clear

The seconds seemed so trivial and the passion long overdue
While the rain soaked our skin, much like how love used to
Every sigh that you released believed it was too good to be true
Would you believe me if I said I’m falling further… away?

Into those waters so blue

Patience and hope fell through in those days of joy and remorse
Trusting each day to be better than to let life run its uncertain course
Until the day it came that belief in those words could no longer be forced
Sometimes I wish I didn’t believe… always and forever, you’d love…

In mine and yours and us and ours
Drifting in silence of nothing… for hours

Upon words and thoughts, that no longer mattered
Drifting in silence, like a heart… only shattered

Far away and isolated, still you reappear in my sight
The lands you could never be have whispered your name in light
Of the tears you'll never see until my heart gains flight
Will I be reborn again or am I still only wishing to feel alive... with you?

In the final moment where you had opened your eyes
The pool of tears you had left has only become mine
You've flown away with time and regret, but with a smile after the sighs
When I finally meet you again, I will tell you all about…

the soul that never crossed the ocean.


My soul will never crossed the ocean… without you.

© 2014

Comatose in a lover’s embrace
Her skin is growing cold again
Warmed by the ***** vein of blood
The lightest heart has holes within

Lost to the edge of tattered sheets
Stroke the flesh, she’ll purr to atone
Vegetable to consciences and mind
The heaviest heart is made of stone

Bent off on four to the floors tile-cold
There’s a little more left to bear
“The beast doth speak when the mind is gone”
The darkest heart sets out its snare.

Bound by grips and gagged by moans
Against the gasps thrown all about
Defiled corpse of living innocence
The brightest heart is giving out

Fell in love towards hell and found
The ****** one who’d prayed
In the silence of lust and timidity
The deviled heart waiting for its fallen Angel

© 2014

In the only eyes I’ve ever lived
Sighing softly in the night
I would surrender all I have to give
If only to keep you in my sights

I’m burning bright in your blues
With the slightest touch of your skin
You’re the only one that I’d choose
The one I think about as my heart gives in

But every time it rains
I wonder if you’re crying
But every time it rains
I can feel you holding on
To me

In the only heart I’ve ever died
Cursing my name in your sleep
Of the secrets in we confide
Of the love that we fell in so deep

I’m lost in the anger of you denying me
And I’m so close to giving up I’m afraid
Do you think of what this love could be?
Are you still struggling against this fate?

But every time it rains
I see you soak in tears
And every time it rains
I can feel you holding on
To me

© 2014

What harm could this be?
Euphoria far too intense
To forget for so long
Darken these lines
So they flow so clean
The secret of the marks are to crave it
more than the pain it caused

But even if the Gods were to forgive
Damaging the temples, all sacred
The bliss concentrates in parallels
Made with no regards

Still, crawling into subtle madness worth repeating
Bleeding out the pain that was never gone

Could one ever enter
Immoral heavens, flashing
Light on tilting grounds
Dripping into pools that stain the earth
Losing every ounce of strength to stand
Leaves the body charmed by remarkable feats
To escape the floor

But frenzied off the loss of the pain
Locking doors to the mind better left open
Never ending are the paths once they’re drawn
And a new one is born

Still, crawling into subtle madness worth repeating
Bleeding out the pain that was never gone
But temporary bliss always fades, never finding a solution
Bleeding out the pain for answers that will never come

© 2014