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Lydia Sep 2015
is it selfish to hope that my son
turns out more like me
to hope he cares more about things
like the lunar eclipse or the lifetime of a tree over the next level on a video game?

to see the world through a wider set of eyes
and to know there is much more to life than the day to day routines
that nature matters
and so does recycling and knowledge of plants

reading should still be done out of books
and learning to write in cursive still matters
I hope he sees the beauty in the stars
and how small but important we are in the vast universe we get to be apart of
how what we do here on earth
effects our solar system

when he gets older I hope he realizes
other people's feelings around him
how the things he says and does truly effect someone else
I hope he cares about his health
that he dosent smoke and dosent drink too much
is conciencious of his eating choices
and goes for an apple over chips
I hope he sees he only has one life
and that he sets out to make the most of it

I hope he is never too ******* himself
because he realizes no one is perfect
and that he takes the time to
take care of himself
I hope he wants to live in this world over the makeshift realities brainwashing todays Youth through TV and games
I hope he questions who he is
and who he wants to be even in the good times not just the bad

I hope when the next lunar eclipse comes around
he will want to watch it with his Mom
because he knows how much she adores both the moon and her son
Lydia Sep 2015
everywhere I turned there was a screeching child around every aisle
begging, whining, crying,
faces red, tears rolling as they throw probably their fifth or sixth temper tamtrum all day
right there in the middle of walmart
parents faced drained of life
trying to get in and out
while rounding up their child
dragging them by the arm
giving them what they want so they stop asking even three aisles away from the object
I bent down to grab my cupcake holders and I hear little feet running up beside me
and a young boy goes bolting by me,
a box of fruit roll ups in his hands
and I watch as he throws it in the cart and the mother continue to walk as if that didn't just happen
as I stand the sound of screams echoes
through the grocery section
and all I can think is
GO GO GO
GET ME OUT OF HERE
my lungs felt heavy
my breath was coming in quick
small gasps
I started sweating under my arm pits
my mind closing around the sounds of
bratty children screaming behind me
beside me
in front of me
as if the sounds were taunting me
I dropped the two items I had on a random shelf and headed toward the door as fast as my feet would take me
pushed open the doors and ran to my car
where I turned the ignition on
stepped on the gas and flew out of the parking lot
I gasped for air when I got on the road
I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath
was that going to be my life?
was I about to nurture
love
clean
change diapers
fall in love
with a hateful, selfish, evil little demon
that would fool me for a few months of absolutely adorable babyness before turning into Satan spawn right before my eyes
begging, screaming, whining when they don't get their way
who was I kidding
I've always hated children
and in return they've hated me back
just last week a boy told me my leggings were gay
what made me think my son would be any different?
I didn't calm down until I got to sit in silence
just the sound of my cars engine
and my own breathing
I swore right then and there
even if it kills me, I would never let my child be that kid
I refused to let my life end up the way those parents in walmart had turned out
kids will be kids but my child will
never chase a pregnant woman out of a store in an absolute panic second guessing motherhood
Lydia Sep 2015
Tall, skinny, dark skin tanned by the sun
a football t-shirt with his school logo
the same high school I graduated from
walking ten feet in front of his mother
head down, nose in his smartphone
he slows his pace and meets up with her
in the Halloween section
I hear her ask,
"What are you going to do for red ribbon week?"
to which he rose his head for two seconds to reply with annoyed snarkiness,
"I don't know but I'm not wearing anything on my face.."
off he goes
nose in his phone
and suddenly my heart wrenched for her
for him
for that tone and the way he is missing out on this time with his Mom even though it seems so mundane to a teenage boy to grocery shop with his Mother
the saying is true
you won't appreciate your parents until it's too late and you're already grown and out of the house
I felt for myself
I'm having a son
and all I could think was
'what if one day that's me, watching my teenage son ignore me on his smartphone I pay way too much for so he can get on Facebook and waste his thoughts on brainwashing Internet trends, not caring to really talk to me anymore, or even care if I exist'
Lydia Sep 2015
I walk around my boxed up house
and carefully step around the edges,
scoot around the clutter and ignore the blankness
this house no longer feels much like home
not since the warmth of familiar things
have been boxed up, taken down or thrown away
it was all so sad how quickly
my home disappeared behind cardboard
and just became this temporary space before we move on,
just a place to sleep
I no longer look at a room and find its potential
or care too much about how it looks
because these aren't my rooms anymore
there is no future here between myself and these walls
it's bittersweet to think back on the memories made here
not all of them were good,
but not all were bad either
in the near two years spent here
we grew
together and apart
and back together again
turning a space from four walls to
a house we called home
the boxes are like a metaphor to my life,
to the unavoidable change that will occur in a few months,

change is in the air
and soon the long, hot, dog days of summer
are going to fade into colorful leaves sweeping the earth,
cool breezes in the window late at night,
and the end of summer, the last one of its kind for us, will be envitable
and
just like the time of the seasons
as the world slips into fall
  our ending in this time of our lives
will slip suddenly through our fingertips and give way to something a new,
sudden yet almost unnoticeable
but also completely, irrevocably welcome
Lydia Sep 2015
Its the little things you do,
like the way you pulled the covers up over my exposed body before you left this morning
You probably thought I was asleep
but I was awake enough for a minute to see the last thing you did before you shut the bedroom door,
and went downstairs
was take care of me

it's in those moments that I fall even deeper in love with you
the moments that remind me how lucky I am
to be the center of someones world
who absolutely dosent have to revolve around my orbit
but decided that they wanted to

I am loved deeper in my weakest moments
you never stop trying
your love is unwavering
even when I do nothing but push against you
you simply stay
and love me
anyways

maybe it's because we're more than lovers
we are two souls
connected in a bond tighter than I think either of us can comprehend
you are my best friend
and loving you comes easy
natural, free flowing,
like breathing

many people will confess their undying love for someone in their lifetime
claim that their relationship is stronger than anyone else's  that they know
that they have something so special no one could ever understand
but I don't think our love is complicated
or hard to comprehend
because with us
you get what you see
and simplicity is the beauty of the bond that we share
we have never needed more than just each other

because love is enough
Lydia Mar 2015
I'm 2 days late
I took two pregnancy tests
both
negative
a clear negative
apparently I really
do have a ****** up body
fifteen year olds get pregnant
everyday
with unwanted children
and
I can't conceive
even after months of
being off birth control
I've always thought
there had to be something wrong
with me
I'm the only woman I know
with a chest as flat as mine
and
weird stomach and intestine
issues at this age
I know girls who get pregnant
by drinking water
I think I am barren
but they say it's not true
since I was pregnant once
for 8 weeks
and then my own body
terminated it
for no reason
I couldn't have been doing more
of the right things
and it didn't matter anyway
My body kind of scares me
and now
I'm missing my time of the month
which has never happened before
but I know it's not good
I've been so stressed out
and unable to sleep
maybe that's it
It's times like these
I'd rather be anyone else
with a normal body
and a normal cycle
and a normal ******
I'm venting. Things have been rough these past two weeks and this isn't helping at all
Lydia Feb 2015
I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying
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