i haven't picked up the pen
in weeks.
i just haven't felt up to writing,
do you really want to know how i feel?
go on, take a guess.
you can even ask!
"are you still using drugs to escape reality?"
"are you falling back into self- destructive habits?"
no, no way! not me!
i'm all smiles, why could i ever be upset?
i'm only alone in every definition of the word,
it's not like i've been searching everyday for an escape.
i'm just fine, thanks for asking.

i bet you wish that i was optional;
i bet you wish i was never born
or that we never crossed paths
well, everything is optional.
life is optional.
pain is, too.
i don't have to feel this way,
i can end it.
maybe i will.

"it's not fair."
i'd say,
and my mother would reply with
"life isn't fair."
she was right,
it's not fair that i gave you everything and it was not
enough
it's not fair that i spend every second missing you and you don't even think of me
it's not fair that i love you and you hate me
well, life isn't fair.
but maybe death is.

it's my trembling hands
and my watery eyes
it's the way that i
can't fall asleep at night
it's how i constantly need to be held
it's how much i cried when you left
it's my locked door
it's how i have nothing left
it's the razor blades
that make the most precise of lines
some of which are on my thighs
it's how every time i think of a train
i think of how comfy the tracks must be
it's my whispers to myself
"what the **** is happening"
and it's all the pills too.
enough to end my life,
only to wake up and find myself
still alive
it's my pens which are out of ink
from all the letters i wrote you
"i'm gonna **** myself, im sorry
i love you"

i feel sorry for you
bed
for all the blood
tears
and punches
the shrieks into your pillows
im sorry
bed
for bringing a man there
who you knew would
hurt me

i write about you
because a poem might make this pain feel better
it might make it beautiful
but there is nothing beautiful
about me locking the door to my bedroom
and swallowing 22 pills
there is nothing beautiful
about the blood from my wrists getting on my sheets
and crying because you won't have touched the new ones
there is nothing beautiful
about begging my wrists to keep bleeding
there is nothing beautiful
about my screams
for you to come back
there is nothing beautiful
about the physical pain in my chest
when you told me
that you
wanted someone
else

your hands clasped around the back of my neck when
you kissed me
and you tried to retreat because your curfew's eleven,
but i wouldn't let you go.
now you're at home; maybe
it's not like i would know
because you believe that absence makes the heart
grow fonder
and i believe in spending lifetimes together
now i'm all alone fighting the urge to call;
i want to know what you're doing
i want to know it all
and your hands touched my neck
the way the
noose does
now

every single ******* thought ends in your name
and that'd be fine if i knew where to place the blame
not on you, surely
the only rational judgement is me
i hate myself for thinking this was real
do you take her out on dates? do you pay for her meals?
just like we used to
now all i can ******* do
is smoke and drink and pop a couple pills
i just wish you knew how it feels
to be completely sober and feel it's a problem
oh wait nevermind, im the ******* problem
i hope you tell them that my name is sorry
ill drink a whole bottle and pop a whole molly
its not because i want to be happy
i just dont want to feel all this pain that you left me
im going insane you're probably with her
and i bet that you just ******* dig her
i bet that she isnt as crazy as me
i bet she doesnt panic or get anxiety
i bet she is the reason that you are ******* smiling
but she is the reason that i am crying
and i promised myself that never again
would i trust anybody or let them in
and now im so ******* high
feeling like i might possibly die
but im not upset things could not be better
but when im gone i just hope you remember
and i hope you dont mind when i call you tonight
i took some acid im not feeling alright
but you'll get annoyed because you hate when i drop
and right before i spill my guts, you'll hang up
you think i can't handle **** and you're probably right
i might die tonight i really might
i just miss you so much and i ******* love you
does your new girl give it all to you?
does she do everything i couldnt possibly do?
is she good enough for you?
do you show her off to the whole crew?
im just rolling around in my room
smoked some and ate some mushrooms
i remember when i did this recreationally
now im getting rid of all this **** that you gave to me
i have so many questions and i dont want the answers
instead of you and i now, its you and her
i ******* hate that you don't care
im falling apart and youre well aware
and i just want to ******* drop dead
and all that **** you said replays in the back of my head
and i just want this all to end
a suicide letter sent through a text
i love you im sorry goodbye i press send
i try and i try and i try it doesnt work
all i can think of is your stupid smirk
i swallowed the whole bottle and my face is numb
how do i let you make me feel so dumb
i love you so much and im still your baby
even if you don't particularly want me
even if when you hold me its her on your mind
even if when you look for her its me you find
forever not good enough and forever still trying
and even though half the **** you say; you're lying
hiding **** away so it doesnt upset me
and we boht know that i am ******* crazy
if you even think of leaving
i will stop ******* breathing
my heart will skip a beat and you'll tell me i'm nothing
but with you i was finally something
and i lay in a strangers bed all alone
and you guys are probably ******* back home
i cant sleep in my bed because it still smells like you
*******
*******
i love you

Trying to tell myself not to worry, that I am so small.
But that, too brings a certain terror I cannot explain.
How can the pain that is inside me be so big and overwhelming
if I am less than dust?
The confusion that plagues me makes my hands tremble
and I have no answers
and I can't even put my questions into words.
I just want to know
how I can be so sad
if I am nothing.