stuck in a loop
of i love you
a repeat song
playing for an empty room

is it you
or is it just the gramophone

on my own words
on regret
on misunderstanding
on rage

choking myself over and over
for things i cant help and cant change
and never going blue in the face
because evil doesn't need to breathe

challenging my own thoughts
battling my own mind
it isn't all-or-nothing
i will not overgeneralize
the positive things are there
not jumping to conclusions
just because i feel it, doesn't mean it's true
no regrets, only now
i can do this
i can get better

deep breaths
calming down
get a fist around your emotions
think about them
discuss with them
get rid of the unnecessary ones
no more panicking
no more breaking down
lets get this together
and rise up

go on
keep doing your thing
keep feeling loved by whoever loves you
keep feeling like a ******* if you want
do whatever, i don't care
keep on keepin' on, as they say
i'll be fine over here, i promise

besides, did you ever want me to be okay?
or did you just want me to live so it wasn't your fault when i died?

i'm done with you
and i'm done with this
bye-bye :)

i could tell you
for hours on end
how much i loathe myself
how every time i breathe
life feels like a disgusting virus
burrowing inside me
i could tell you about the days that i starved myself
hoping it would end me
i could tell you about the frightening speed
at which i can tie a noose
and you would never understand that i want to live

i cold tell you about my past
my real past
not california
but nine years of being beaten and neglected
then jumped around foster care
finally, finally getting a home
but you know how that is
and you would never understand that i need them

i know that i hurt you
i know you never felt like you should have
i know i never made you happy
i know i "got into your head" whatever that means
you know all of these things too
but you will never understand how much it hurt me

not you
you did nothing but try to save yourself
i hurt myself
its the only thing i'm good at
and i'm sorry you got hurt in the process.

wandering
through space and time
no
through my house
from one room to the next
knowing it isn't my home

wondering
who will be next
to fall under my blade
who can i hurt
more than the last

but the beauty of it is
eventually
you learn how to live without love
and when you're alone
the only person you can hurt is
you

everything
just
everything

i need time
now i'm the one
asking for time

but i  need time to myself
for myself

i need time to be alone
so that next time
this won't hurt so much

next time i'll be ready

it was my fault
in the end
for getting used to having friends
having people
having support
and i miss it now

but next time i'll be ready
next time being alone
won't be so lonely

i say that so often
for someone that has no idea
just how much she has hurt someone
i couldn't tell you
if i changed him forever
if he has permanent scars
or if i simply swept through his life
like a arid summer breeze
insignificant and unnoticed

i doubt it
i'm not the kind of person easily forgotten
but people always remember the bad things
so that i wonder if there were ever good things
to be remembered at all

i loved him
completely
in every way
but all that time
all that love
i never saw his hurt

i know he's moved on
and i know there are things
that people aren't telling me

but still
i wish i could tell him
that what i feel
more than hurt
more than pain and sadness and anger
is guilt

guilt over the fact that at some point
i lost you
to the storm
the same storm that ate me alive
every day for years
the storm i thought i had finally escaped

i lost him to the storm
i couldn't pull him out

i never saw him cry
he never came to me
not when he was sad
not when he was hurt
he never told me

i guess, in a lot of ways
i should have seen it
i think i did
but i refused to see it
accept that my worst fear was back
for him this time

he never let me see it
i don't know if its because he didn't trust me
or maybe he didn't even know
what to say
how to say it

i should have known
i went through it too
i'm still fighting it

i hate that i can't understand this
i can't wrap my head around my own pain
or his

i just wish he knew
that i know the fight
i know the storm
and my biggest regret
is not saving him from it
if could have

thats what im sorry for. not for being a *****, but for not being there at all.

i know that you "like" me
and maybe one day i can really like you too
but right now
even if i did
i wouldn't know
because i can't tell my emotions apart anymore
and you, as a person, deserve more than
my broken aching self
i'm sorry

blocked
not because i hate him
but because his words make me angry
and they make me wish i could
i wish i could hate him
but instead
i hate you
i hate the way you talk
i hate the way you refuse
to do anything progressive
i hate you
so much
that i wish you were dead
sometimes
i wish you never said the things you said
i wish you never exposed yourself
i hate that you made yourself vulnerable
again
i hate that you never learn your lesson
i hate the fact
that you can't ever seem to keep something to yourself
and i hate that you can't just be happy
i hate that you have to ruin everything
i hate that you can't just be normal
that you always have to do things the hard way
i hate that you can't just chill
really, just relax
but you cant
and i hate you for it

i wish you would just
go away
even though im the one following you
i wish you would leave my mind
i wish you could disappear
because being within 50 feet of you
for even a second
hurts like hell
but its all i want

i've been watching you.
i know you know im there.
i've heard about your little jokes.
i see him sitting where i used to sit
walking with you
where i used to belong
talking to you
like he knows you at all.

maybe he does
maybe i never knew you
not the real you

because the you i thought i knew
the you i loved

would not have done this to me.

six days
you said six days was not enough time to fall in love.

but apparently it's enough to fall out of it.

okay?
okay.

im done.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant keep crying for you and hoping for you and wanting you.

i want to so badly,
dont get me wrong
i love you

but i give up.

his hair hung around his face like a halo
with the sun shining
warm and bright in a field
lovely in its loneliness
a stream tinkling nearby
and only chattering birds
and bumbling bees
to witness our bliss
high on the sun
and sugary sweet kisses
we were kind, lovely and true
in the shade
of a weeping willow
we were silent
understanding
as the sun drifted lazily away
and left us a cocktail
of strawberries and nectarines
pink and orange
you and i
dancing in the grass
stirring up lightning-bugs
like little stars themselves on earth
dancing in the heavens with an angel
smiling and tipsy
buzzing and warm
telling stories and tales
while the little earth-stars
fly away home
writing our own myths
unafraid and unashamed
skin to skin
heart to heart
we could be anything
but tonight we could only be this
and, by god, it is bliss.

you said we were never good for each other
so what would have happened
if i didn't leave
if i wasn't ****** up
if i could be strong enough
for both of us

was it me?

or was this bound to happen
one way or another
someday

were we doomed from the start
or did i destroy it all

because i know i did something
i had a hand in this disaster
even you aren't capable
of ruining something
that badly
on your own

i have cried
every night about this
and i can't talk to you
because it feels like i'm nagging
so i will write to you
like this
and it can be your choice to read it
and you decision to come to me
if you have anything to say

so i have questions
a lot of them
but most important are

i understand not being able to stand in the middle
but why do we have to stand on opposite ends?
why cant we just be?
what happened to us
when i was gone?
i read your poems
so i got over that at least
but i'm stupid or something
and there is so much i don't understand
because you make it sound
like you are doing this big thing
for my sake
but it hurts me so bad
so really you're hurting us both
over something i don't understand.
i miss you
i want you back
i feel so pathetic
and alone.

i used to go to you
in person or in my mind
any time i was
hurt
scared
lonely
sad
but now that place
that i dedicated to you
that i familiarized with joy
is dark and black and murky
and i unknowingly go there
again and again
and hurt myself more
because i miss you
and you aren't there

and now we are here.

and i don't really even know where here is.

maybe it isn't a love story anymore,
but it is definitely something,
and i will never forget it.

i love you.
i loved you.
maybe i'll move on,
but this will always be
part of my story.

it feels like time has stopped
and all i can do
is run from the things that scare me
because i refuse to fight

it took all of 5 minutes
for me to know something was wrong
and so i ran
i left as fast as i could
and i hid from you
from him
from all of it

i hardly remember
maybe one day i will share it
but it was nice
and it is mine
like a secret
i want to keep it for myself
because lately it seems
that not many things are

the little i'll say
is that he wore a halo
and the sky was beautiful
beneath us

i know you want this to go smoothly
and i know you're trying to make it easier
so i only have one rule to add.

until you are 100% done with me,

you CAN NOT fall in love
with someone else

i dont know what you want
but if it isnt me
then just move on
cut the cord now
instead of straining it
until it snaps
because dragging me along
will only hurt me more
so please
unless you really want this
dont take it
because it's all i have left

im so sorry
i wish i could be her again
the girl with a crush
reading a poem
at lunch
not talking about
the elephant in the room
silly and kind
lovely

she is tarnished
frayed
splintered
broken

and that poem can never be the same

because i
will never be the same

all these words that mean nothing
it doesn't even make me feel better
just
exhausted and alone
in the library
at a table
doing nothing important
but tiring myself out
so i don't make any more
stupid decisions
it means nothing
to you
but everything
to me

i can live with forever
but still
every time i see him
my lungs squeeze tighter
and i just wish he would kiss me
one more time
before forever comes

im okay with someday
someday means maybe
maybe one more kiss
another hug
less tears
maybe there will be
us again

but

someday can also be
forever

not never,
but forever waiting
hoping
holding on to something
that has long since passed

someday can be
forgotten
being alone and hopeless
being in love with the wrong person

someday can be me
getting married
having kids
a career
a life
but stumbling across
the facebook page
of a boy i still love
and forever knowing
what could have been

someday is never quite moving on
someday is being halfway satisfied
someday is better than never

but it still hurts

the doctors use fancy words
they make sadness sound like science
they scrub you up and turn you out
fresh
raw
exposed
with a 50% chance of survival

half of these people
follow up
they keep going
keep working
get better
they survive
with only scars and memories
to show for their pain

and some people, the other half
they fall out
into the dirt
they get infected
it spreads past the skin
to the heart lungs and brain
it kills them
they die
a little scrape
that they tried to fix
kills them.

i need you now like an open wound needs oxygen and care
i need you to survive
so that i can

i ****** up
i dont know how
or when
but i did
and i hurt the only people  that i ever loved
the only one i thought loved me
i dont deserve that love
i wish i could just disappear
and never have existed at all

please
take all the time in the world

i can
i will
wait for you

i never want you to feel
anything but loved and appreciated
when you are with me

so if that means going slowly
or not going at all
then i can live with that

because you mean more to me than anything else

people exist
not just when im around
but always

im not important

i am only about 2%
of everything that happens
in a persons life

and the worst part
is that i never really existed myself.

with so many vague back stories
and gentle lies

nobody knows me

i am nobody

i have to remember that.

its all just a distraction
a way to forget
that i ******* hate myself.

no i am not "*****".

but when people look at me
and want me
it feels good.

i like feeling wanted

im sorry
the only way ive ever felt loved
is when i felt *****
and wrong
and disgusting

i don't want you to know these things

but i do want you to know
you aren't the only one who's scared.
You aren't the only one that's ****** up.

why does it feel like the only person i want to be close to

is the person who stays the farthest away

logically speaking
this is a terrible decision
and it's liable
that we both end up
worse off than before

red flags are dancing
around my head like pixies
and every interaction
leaves me feeling empty
and ready to cry

but i dont whats wrong
or why i want this so bad

but in my heart
i somehow know
it will leave me defeated and worthless

i want
to hear
you talk

it can be anything
just say something
to me

lets talk about the little things
and laugh over the phone
just so we don't forget

maybe
if i
say
something
you could
understand
what i'm
trying
to
say

it was a dark
and stormy night

like a helium high
an oxygen-deprived
emotional overdose
a blackout -
where everything is
gone (nothing matters)
but more vivid and real than ever -

it is a shaking
ugly-crying
bad-photo-filter
no breathing
no seeing
gross-teen PSA
feeling -
that i know all too well.

that disgusting
terrified
frantic
helpless
plastic

feeling -

was my worst enemy for years.

you can try
to bleed it out
scream it out
**** it

but it is you -
you are fighting yourself
and you can't win

but it went away.
and there were good days
days that i laughed -
days that i felt loved -

but somehow
those terrifying
angry
cold (but too hot)
dont-touch-me
hold-me-tight

nights

are all i can remember.

i don't get to remember
my tenth birthday
or when my sister was born
or my friends laughing
or my teachers congratulating

because my ****** up brain
is too greedy
and it ate all of those memories
so that all i have is now -

all i have is you
and i know exactly how you feel
and i hate it
because i want to fix it
but i can't even begin to know how
when i can't even fix myself

catch feelings
for cute girls,
pretty boys.

fall in love.

deny it.

let them hurt you.
hurt yourself, mostly.

get yourself together,
bring yourself back up.

but **** he's pretty.

colors
collide -

we are
mismatched -

bad boy loves
good girl -

bad girl
loves lost boy -

leather and
dyed cotton -

we don't
match

but opposites
attract -

soft
peach tones
blushing

yellow
fading orange
fading pink
rosé

warm
and soft
strong

i want to write
but it feels like  the things i want to say are in a another language
that even i can't understand
its not a bad thing
i dont think
just...
strange i guess.

they are eyes that have a special color
the exact color of the ocean in california.

it isn't the same ocean as anywhere else
it's the color of home.

it isn't a color at all really,
more of a feeling.

the feeling of your skin burning
and cool blue-green-grey.

it can't be copied
or drawn or painted.

it is the color
of being
in love.

she is small
and cute
and pretty

she has pretty eyes
california ocean eyes
and rusty blonde hair
pink cheeks
always blushing

she is soft
and warm of heart
she's been hurt
and i want to un-hurt her

she's a friend
i love to talk with her
just to see her smile

everything that you need to be whole
the person that you trust the most
the thing that always makes you smile
easy for you to handle
anything but what i am

because i am not enough for you

i made this week difficult.

i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my ****-ups.

i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.

i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy

but i was a *****.

and im sorry.