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Fel Oct 2014
I wish I could write poetry

Without writing about you.
Sorry guys. You all probably didn't follow me to see me ***** about some boy
Fel Oct 2014
You've got a heart of gold

While I'm pure pyrite
Fel Mar 2014
Fel Apr 2014
It's hard to

                        love another

when you

                         don't love yourself.
Fel May 2014
I see your name everywhere

I can't let you go
Fel Mar 2015
Hey. I just woke up from a dream that you didn't particularly star in but when I woke up it was amazing that you were the first thing to pop into my head and it was crazy that the dream was spot on with a dilemma I will have to face soon and that is leaving you because as much as I do not want this to happen it surely will in over a year I will be graduating and I will be moving on with my life and you will still be in school and moving on with your life but the difference here is we won't be near anymore and that's the scary part because our future it isn't solid it isn't certain and I can't be sure that when we both have to move on that we will be as close as we are now but perhaps that is a good thing cause I've been thinking that maybe you're a dead end a dud a match that won't light and I'm the idiot that won't stop trying and maybe it's just time I need for your heart to start working the wonder of love or for mine to work the wonder of forget but whatever it is leaving is the natural process and there is a cure to my predicament and that is to never lose contact and be near always as much as we are now but then again this future of ours is not set in stone so what is the chance of you actually wanting that? Closer to none than anything else, but at this point I have yet to know. I miss you and although I'll be seeing you tomorrow I won't stop thinking about this and how I don't want this to happen. We will surely have to discuss this across the lunch table and perhaps I can grab your attention from that stupid game on your phone and maybe you'll listen when I tell you tears came when I woke up from this dream and perhaps you'll remember my emotion when we dye the shirts and maybe you'll do the thing I've been waiting for on Saturday and a future then can be discernible. Right now my mind is ******* and I can't think anymore so goodnight, I love you.
Is it weird I keep having dreams like this and whenever I wake up my first thought is you?
Fel Apr 2014
There's only
Three things in my life
That I need:

                     The stars
                                          And you.
Such a shame that I can only have the first two.
Fel Nov 2014
I'm all jitters and quick thoughts and shaking hands

And I can't tell if its from the lack of sleep

The too-sweet coffee

The chill of the night

Or the way the stranger said, "I'd take you to my apartment if you were old enough."
I had never been noticed before now, and its scaring the **** out of me.
Fel Sep 2014
When I am thinking of your lips
The soft pink
Against your ivory skin
I am thinking of how wonderful they must feel
And about the secrets they hold
I am thinking of how their corners go up
When I tell you about my day
And how it starts a domino effect across your lovely face
And you shine like a beacon
Through my dark days
And I am wondering if
The same 
Fel Aug 2014
Sometimes, those who wear a
             sign saying, "I'm righteous!"
are anything but.
Fel Aug 2014
You have no idea just how many times I've decided
        to give up on you, only to have you smile at me,
        and I would remember why I was trying so hard
        in the first place.
Fel Mar 2014
God, Felicia
Make up your **** mind!
Enough's enough.
I just can't understand myself sometimes
Fel May 2014
There are things that I would
Do absolutely anything for
Things that I would
Cut off my foot and sell it for.

And then there are things
I couldn't give two ***** about

So why do I put your name
Under both lists?
Fel Feb 2014
You say I look that way

But let's just say that I'm a good actress
Fel Feb 2014
Could you not be the
Other one I crave for?
Because if **** happens, I'm afraid
You're the only one who'll get hurt.
Fel Feb 2014
I asked him.

He said yes.

I can fly away,
If you're following my writings, you'll know what I'm talking about.
If not, go read The One or The Other, and then read An Update.
Fel Feb 2014
I asked myself a question.
The One or the Other?
And I have decided
I'm choosing the One

Yes, the younger
Blonder one.
I'm choosing him.
But will he accept?

That is the question
I must now mull over
A question I must ask myself
Until it is my time

Today I will find out
And I'm terrified
His answer can break me

Or it can make me.
It can make me fly
Higher than I could
On any drug

He'll probably accept.
What's he got to lose?
Maybe his dignity
If anything

I don't know
I just hope this all goes well
Thanks for reading
I needed support.
I'm asking the boy to Sadie's today, so hopefully he'll say yes :)
Fel Feb 2014
I'm sorry I'm not the one you wanted
I'm sorry I even asked you
If you didn't want me,
Then why did you say yes?
To spare my feelings?
To be nice?
It'd be better if I never even asked
Cause we can't talk anymore
And I can't stand it
It's like
I try so hard
To get a thought out of you
And you either just
Look away
Pretend you didn't hear
Or you just
Give a slight chuckle
"Huh huh huh"
And nod
No words
Or little words
And I want more words
I don't care
Whether or not
You feel the same way
I just want to talk to you again
And I don't get it
Mixed signals ****
My best friends think you feel the same
And that that is why you're so awkward
But I think that you don't
And that you just want to be friends
Or not even anymore,
After my bold move
Get me out of my hell
I would be very hurt
If you had said no
But I'd rather have that than this
At least with that
We could still talk
Have actual conversations
Conversations with two sides
Two equal sides
Sides that actually cared
I'm sorry I even bothered
To go after you
I should have left it alone
And that's why I never do this
This is why I never take chances
Someday it might work
Just maybe
I'll find someone
And love them
And the feeling would be mutual
But I'm impatient
I'd rather just not try
Just say "**** it,
I'll never win."
And move on
At least then I won't get frustrated
Or get hurt
I'd rather be just friends with you
Than be whatever the hell we have
This awkward ****
It *****.
I only want a freaking conversation. Talk to me.
Fel Sep 2014
July 17th 2014 11:49 PM

On the day I was born
I was given the name Felicia
Because my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I was a toddler
I did not think much of beauty
Nor did I think much of myself
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I started school
I started to see beauty.
I thought it meant blonde hair
And pastel coloured skirts
I had neither, but did not think much of it
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I was in third grade
I saw beauty even more
I saw it in my mother,
My friends and my teachers.
I thought it meant a smaller body
But that, I didn't know or think
Until I found out I was ten pounds lighter than my oldest brother.
He weighed 140. 
I started to really think about beauty
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I started middle school
Things had really changed
I was not like my peers
I felt unbeautiful and awkward.
I began to loathe myself
I started seeing beauty
In everything but me.
Found fake love once
Forever scarred my heart.
Started developing phobias,
Couldn't be seen with some people
Couldn't let anyone hear me breathe.
I thought way too much of beauty
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I was in seventh grade
I thought beauty meant good clothes
Pretty smiles
Fatter wallets
And thinner waistlines
(All of which I had none of)
I thought a lot about beauty
Decided to try something new
                   Three thin slices into my skin
(Found out cutting wasn't really my thing)
I made good friends
Tons of bitter enemies
That all, I felt, were prettier than me
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When eighth grade rolled around
I knew lots about beauty
But started caring for little of it.
Homelessness had racked my life
I worried more about keeping up with school
And picking up a new instrument
Than worrying about beauty
That I still thought a little about.
I made friends that didn't care either
I decided I can live my life
Ugly, in poverty, fat, and awkward
Although some nights I still did cry
About how I never had a boyfriend 
About how no one ever showed interest in me
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I started high scho
Beauty was everywhere I turned
But a developing affair I had
With the lovely marching arts
Took all my worrying and cares
Away from beauty
But not completely.
I thought beauty meant
Shorter shorts
Tanner skin
Straighter hair
And an older age.
I was bullied for being a freshman
And often picks on for being far
I didn't  care much to look at myself in the mirror often
But I outwardly cared much less about  everything
Putting off a persona.
Found better friends
And less bitter enemies
That I thought much be a little prettier than me
Also found some bad friends
That couldve gotten me in trouble
Ones that helped create a nasty habit
Of taking things that weren't mine
I however saw a little beauty in myself
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

Now, when I was a sophomore
I believe I truly found myself.
If  not all, then bits of myself.
I made even greater friends
Maybe even found love
And an ever deepening love for the marching arts.
I thought beauty meant
Great musical skill,
Being a good person,
An having a passion for something greater than yourself.
I  started to find beautiful things in people
That we're sometimes reflected in me.
Does that mean I  started to think I was beautiful?
I guess it does.
But I started to accept myself.
All my strengths
My flaws and my quirks and weaknesses
And I believe that comes along with finding yourself.
Academic life started to slip
I did not care much for it
Did not care much for anything, really
But two things:
Love. And band.
Which both have kept me from
Falling into a deep dark abyss
That both of my siblings have experienced and ensures
One I do not safe fall into.
My nasty habit
Had only deepened
And gotten even more daring.
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

I am fast approaching junior year
I am becoming a young adult
And I see beauty in everything
Myself included
It's amazing
And truly liberating
To feel this way
To not worry
Of what others think of me.
I still have phobias I had developed earlier
I still have the scars where I thought a solution may be found
And I still have a nasty habit
Yet I feel beautiful.
Some days are bad
Most days are good.
I have accepted myself enough
To take a step out of denial
And head toward the truth of change
And still
Through everything
(Although there is much here she does not know about)
My momma thinks I'm beautiful and happy.
Fel Jan 2015
In a place where the Saints go
To eternally lift their load
My own Saint had a ticket
For his own road

2:37 sharp
That Saturday afternoon
God made a plan
For you to leave soon

Bedside is where I'll be
Waiting for the moment you flee
Don't fly away my heavenly friend
Promise me you'll see me again?

I once heard a story
Where "Love is watching someone die"
Do you remember the moral?
Waiting for the fateful goodbye?

Plans put on hold
We had quite a few
How long to wait?
I don't know about you...

Bedside is where I'll be
Waiting for the moment you flee
Don't fly away yet my heavenly friend
Promise me you'll love me again?

Whatever god there is hasn't given me enough time
To be satisfied with all of our lustful crimes
But as the LCD tells me you're drifting away
Your second date will be for today

Don't go away
Tell me how you fight fight fight

Bedside is where I was
Dreading that awful moment it paused
I watched you fly away, my heavenly lover
You promised me, that we'd wait for each other

But your promises were as broken as you
Inspired by Death Cab For Cutie's "What Sarah Said." In the song, he was describing a hospital waiting room, and waiting for the person you love to die and how "Love is watching someone die/ So who's gonna watch you die?" I started to imagine how it feels, and I spurted this bit out. Enjoy.
Fel May 2014
I wish it would be so easy
         To just wrap my arms around you
And not be afraid of being close
         Or being afraid of how you'll react
I think about this every time I see you
Fel Feb 2014
We meet again
In up to 120° weather,
You blister and redden my skin
You cause me to ache
You're only there for about two weeks in August
And those two weeks
They're the worst part
They cause some to lose interest
Those who feel
They have something better to do
But I know better...

We're getting closer.
Everyone flipping out
On how much time you take up
We told you it was a big commitment!
We always tell them
Yet they still whine and whine
And say how they can't wait for it to end
As for me,
I bask in you
Temps are still high,
Days are still long,
The grass still a little green
Muscles still ache
But temps are going down
Days getting shorter
The grass is dying
Muscles are getting stronger
Everyone is getting closer to eachother
Making friends,
Finding meaning in the music and dots
If only barely

Probably the busiest month of the four
All day competitions
Every Saturday
Now you're taking up
A LOT of time
And we got it all locked in now
Everything memorized
Ready to compete and win
For us,
These competitions are no big deal.
We are the best at what we do,
So we're never surprised we always get first
Now I'm not trying to sound cocky,
But It's only the truth
I'd be lying if I said
There was someone better than us
In our Silver State
But that's beside the point,
People are now freaking out on a larger scale
One month left
They all realize with horror
Especially the upper class men
Who're getting close to the end
The end of the thing they love

The coldest month of the four
The most important one
This is the month we worry about
This is the month we work for
This is where we show our true colors
Where we try to see truly how good we are
The most important
One in the Beehive State,
One in the Golden State.
We are usually the only reps for our state
And we face actual competition
People better than us
To them it's just another competition
But to the older, experienced ones,
These are competitions to worry about
The ones where everything actually matters
Where people cry,
Either for defeat or victory.
These ones we're not the best.
But we're apparently good enough
To make it into finals each time
But here in this month
We arrive at the end
And those who wished for the end
Are now feeling like idiots for wanting the end to this magnificent journey
And those who bask in it
Like yours truly
We cry, oh we cry
We grieve over the ending
That always looms
In August, November felt so far away
But the whole thing was gone
In the blink of an eye
And the blinks of our eyes
They blink back the tears

And then we wait
December, January, February,
March, April, May,
June and July,**
Until we meet again
And for some,
That was the end
And for others,
This is the last, second to last
Second or first time
It's all the same
Every year

Fel May 2014
I hope you know CPR
So when I drown
Inside your eyes
You can save me
Over and over and over
Fel May 2014
Girls' choice songs ****
Cause the one I want to ask

He's not here.
Literally happens every time.
Fel Mar 2014
Before school: Seminary
The religious class
That's optional
If I don't care about being harassed by church leaders
I have to deal with it.
But I kinda like it
The teacher's nice
A little too cheery
Being it six o'clock in the morning
But nonetheless,
I love her to death
And the people,
They're kind.
I've got some band family in there
We three sit in the back
The Italian French horn player
And the Ginger fellow trombone player
(And I reserve them those names
With only but love)
And they're my buds
I love them so.

1st hour: Band
My favorite
The best
Above everything else
Nothing could compare
What, with those wonderful people
My wonderful family
Of a little under 300
And their wonderful faces
And wonderful talents
And wonderful personalities
And the boy
The beautiful boy
The One
He's there
And my friends
They're all there
Almost everyone I love
They're there.
I like the program, too)

2nd hour: Jazz Band
Second best
Not as great as first
Still band
But not band
I'm worse here
But I like these people
They're the "ultra family"
The ones who are always there
The true band geeks
Who take this shot
Twice a day
Two times in a row
Like me
And I like it.

3rd hour: English
I love my teacher
The only "Ms."
On my entire schedule
She's awesome
But drowns me in work
I can't deal
I hate this class
I'm smart enough to get everything
But too lazy to do anything
Passed a semester with a D
Failed both quarters,
Aced the final exam
This shows my intelligence,
And shows my disobedience
And I like the people here too
Not as much as the earlier
But they're nice all around

4th hour: Chemistry
I used to feel that in this class
But the Other caught my eye
The one I'd known for four years
And made me enjoy it
(Made my grades go down a little, too)
But he's nice
Talks to me about music and such
While everyone else there annoys the **** out of me
I hate everyone there
Save it be three kids
And the teacher
Everyone there is annoying
Which is fine
I've got headphones for that
And the boy
I've got him too

My closer friends
Members of the family
Who talk about
And everything.
Mostly band,
And school
But they're nice to have around
And I love the three of them
Very very dearly
Even if one or two
Occaisionally get on my nerves

5th hour: World History
I like this class
It has the most members of the family
Outside of 1st hour
Plus the Other
He's in here again
And I sit behind him
And he helps me on my work
And the Ginger
And the Italian;
They're all in here
So it makes for a fun class
And my teacher,
He's pretty funny
Can joke around with everyone
Sounds a bit gay
(I'm not being mean,
Literally EVERYONE says that)
But its still pretty nice

6th hour: Algebra II
I used to like math
But now I hate it
Thanks to the wonderful thing
Invented by Muslim scholars
The wonderful (hateful) art of Algebra
That is a horrible end to my school days
But the class is dope
This teacher is the best
He's so freaking chill
Just yesterday,
We sat around
And he told us about his life
And gave us this giant pep talk about life
Giving us advice
Cause he's a coach
And he gets us
(Graduated but a decade earlier
In the very same school he teaches at)
But he's awesome
Doesn't mind I skip out
A couple minutes early
Or get in class
A couple minutes late
He's just the best
And the people of that class?
A little closer to my 4th hour
Than all my others
And there's a boy in there
Annoys me everyday it seems
Trying to flirt;
I think he likes me?
Oh well
The class is awesome

And I like them all
In their own ways
They're all good
I dunno. I just felt like writing about my schedule for whatever reason. Enjoy learning about my day
Fel Apr 2014
you        are
much  much  more
p  r  e  t  t  ­y
f a c e
It's meant to be in the shape of a heart if you couldn't tell :)
Fel Feb 2014
I always feared eyes.
Of course,
I've gotten over that fear
But a long long time ago
When I was but
A youngling
A child
A toddler
I feared eyes.
They were in my dreams
My nightmares
And I couldn't shake them.
They were the eyes of my family
My neighbours,
My teachers,
My friends
Even my mother's
Own hazel eyes
They scared me.
I was even afraid
To look into my own eyes
In the mirror
Or in pictures
So I never bothered to
But I was always told
They were a bright green
Like my granddad's
I never knew
Not until middle school
When I finally got over that fear
I remember I started
To look into the eyes
Of my first real crush.
They were a deep ocean blue
That was when I started to look into eyes
And truly saw their
Deep depths
It was a whole new world
I was amazed.
My eleven-year-old self
Finally got over her own fear
One she didn't know she had.
I got along better with people
Made more friends
Saw who they truly were
By their eyes.
Made connections,
Followed where others' eyes had led.
I slowly became more
Aware of things
I saw more than just a person's face
A person's body
I sort of saw
Into their very soul.

But now,
I have a new
Sort of fear
Of others seeing my eyes.
I try to hide them
Usually by my hair
Or by reflective sunglasses.
No one knows
I feel this way
Because I don't want others to see
What I look for
I don't want others to see
Into my deep depths
And to see
Into my very soul
Because it's far too dark in there
I'm afraid they'll leave me.
The fear's not for everyone,
But it is for a lot of people
I fear for them to see
I don't know why
Don't ask me
I just do.
I just don't want others
To see into my dark soul.

I just realized
You all just saw into my soul.
I don't even know you.

I think I'm gonna start doing a confessions sort of thing regularly. I got the idea from one of my favorite poets on here, so yeah.
Fel Feb 2014
I don't take risks.

I like to play it safe
If I know how the end is
I'll usually take it
I don't normally do new things
I just don't
I'm afraid to fail at anything
But if I do fail
I end up not caring
It's a process I have
I never thought about it til now
But it's true.

I know a girl
She's in band with me
And she is the most
Determined *******
I have ever seen.
I swear to God
She just doesn't stop trying
And she fails
Every. Single. Time.
She probably has
A time or two
Actually gotten what she was after
But ****
If I had but
A mustard seed
Of the determination
That she has,
I could rule the world!

But the thing she does
That I don't do
Is try.
Simply try.
I am given chances to do things
Try new things
Meet new people
Do things I've never done before
But I never take it up
I never take the chance
I flake it off
And stay home instead

So I think
Starting now
I'm going to try more.

I'm going to challenge my courses
I'm going to learn those instruments
I'm going to get better at what I do
I'm going to become ambidextrous
I'm going to define my style
I'm going to travel the world
I'm going to New York
I'm going to do all these things

Yet I'm still not going to take a chance with you.

Old habits die hard, after all.
Fel Feb 2014
I curse too much

If you ever hear me speak in person
I'm terribly sorry
I am such a ***** mouth
Literally every sentence
That comes from my ***** mouth
Has the word "****" in it
It's horrible
So very unladylike
And I'm sorry
I have to ****** your ears like that
One year ago
I almost never cursed
I would get mad at others
For doing so
Then I tried the word
It tasted new and spicy
I tried it again
And again and again
Now the word is a permanent part of my language
And I have no use for it
Perhaps the reason
I use these disgusting words
Is to weigh my words down
Make people actually listen to what I have to say
It turns heads
It gives my words power
It makes me feel powerful
But it harms my reputation
I'm supposed to be
'A good little Mormon church girl'
Yeah I bet you never guessed that
But whenever I tell people that
They're surprised.
"There is no way in hell that you're Mormon!"
They always say
But that's beside the point
I curse too much
I'm sorry
And I do try to change my ways
Not hard enough,
But I do try.
Fel Apr 2014
I've always felt "too big."

I have never felt small.
Even when I was little
I was always fat.
I never remember
Being referred to as "little."
My brothers
They always called me fat
My friends, too
And I was always too tall
Just too big, in general
And I hated it
Still do
Cause all my friends,
They're ******* tiny
And they complain.
"Oh, this [insert name of clothing]
It makes me look fat."
"I need to lose weight
I'm at 130 now."
Or the classic,
"My [insert body part] is too fat."
It makes me want to strangle them
Cause they have no idea
What it feels like
To have the only color you look good in
Be the color black
And be labled
As "gothic" or "emo"
Because you can only wear black.
They have no idea
What it feels like
To be anxious around scales
Or anything that has a weight limit
They have no ******* clue.
And my name?
I get called "****** Felicia"
"Felicia the ******" sometimes
Cause of how big I am
And I ******* hate it!
No one knows
How much I hate myself
Because of my weight
And how insecure I am about how big I am
It is seriously why I wish I wasn't me
It makes me wish I was someone else
And it always has
Ever since I can remember,
I have always wanted to be littler
Just anything
But "too big."
I just really hate my body sometimes.
Fel Apr 2014
I do not care to be touched.

I mean this in the most innocent way possible
I do not care for others to he close to me
At least physically
There are exceptions to this rule
As there are to most any rule
There are some people who I allow in
Like the people I am closest to
Or the people I'd like to get closer to
(Not physically, but emotionally)

I don't care for hugs.
I actually hate them
But others like to hug me
So I can deal with them
And it's as simple as that.

I don't like to be close to people
But other people like to be close to me
So I forget my own troubles
And deal with being close.
I should probably get over this.
Fel Jan 2014
Sweaty palms*
That's what I have as I walk around the mall.
My eyes dart everywhere, looking for anyone looking for me.
******* ******* *******

I feel like a duck in water
Everything on the surface is calm and composed
But secretely I am freaking out
On the inside

I feel the uncomfortable stab of the box
I placed in my pants
To hide it from everyone
A thing for myself

I was craving it again today
And I caved in*

I know that some day I'll have to repay
I can't deny

I promise I will repent
One day...

...and until then
I'll satisfy my cravings.
Fel Oct 2014
But then again, is there a difference between the two?
I can't even tell.
Fel Mar 2014
**** these seats
How close they are
Yet seem miles away
Make me that much further away from you

**** the arm rest
How it segregates
My body from yours
Keeping me from you

**** the dark
How it's never quite dark enough
For me to feel confident
And truly alive with you

**** the others
How they inturrupt us
And take your attention
Away from me

**** my hands
How they're sweaty and shake
Unable to take yours in mine
Cause I'm a coward

**** the time
How it slips away
Like sand in an hourglass
The sand is gone in the blink of an eye

And **** me
How I ruin everything
Like the chance to get close to you
I let it all go to waste again
Fel Feb 2014
Thought you found the holy one
They take a little, she takes none
It's just a frontage after all
Oh how easy do they fall
One by one, and over again
They shed a little of their skin
First you mingle,
Then you dance
Pull it to a safe distance

It pours outside
You need a ride
Wish you hadn't gone inside
Fumble for the side hand door
You don't want to stay no more
The handles broke,
The light is low
Break too late and off it goes
Falling forward from the edge
Try to remember the words you read

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They spread your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

All the lights are shining through
Hit you when you try to move
Know the ending
Know the start
Know the place where it falls apart
The red herrings not fooling you
Tricked you last time before you knew
Barreling towards the bitter end
The ****** comes
You lose a friend

Growing up and dressing down
Learn the truth to shut your mouth
It's not what all you'd thought it be
Cuts your heart so gradually
Sew it up and snip the thread
Dry the tears they made you shed
Hold the chair,
Slip the noose
Never forget who cut you loose

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They spread your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

Confidence dies
A little every day
You lose your way, I lose it too
I wish I was back
Safe inside instead
But I'm at a funeral for a friend.

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said,
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They sorta your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh
THIS IS NOT MY WORK. It is simply one of my favorite songs that holds a lot of meaning for me. THE CREDIT FOR THIS GOES TO THE AMAZING BAND TRAPDOOR SOCIAL. If you like this, you should go check them out. They're pretty freakin cool.
Fel May 2014
These stupid crazy feelings
They bubble up
And feel like static
So I try to explain it
                       It comes out ******
I try to maintain it
                       It won't go away
So I'm trying to mask it
                       It doesn't really help
So what am I left to do?
I believe I have fallen for you
Pick me back up
I can't stand on my own
But don't ever leave me
I'll be useless without you
Fel Jun 2014
Philia above Eros
My love for you

I love you like a friend
More than I love you like a lover
Saw a cute post on Tumblr about the different types of love. Decided to relate it to someone who I love very dearly
Fel Feb 2014
The faith that others have in me
Makes me have faith in myself

Sometimes, I just want to give up

I just want to quit school
Throw my instrument away
Quit going to church
And just give myself away to the elements

But I know how much that would hurt others

I mean, if it weren't for those others,
This alternative reality
Would've kicked in
A long long time ago

I could've, would've
Given up
But no.
That's just not for me.

I'm destined for more.
..At least people say I am.

My mother always tells me,
"You're my ticket to heaven."
My leaders always tell me,
"My, you have a lot of faith."
My teachers always tell me,
"You're gonna do great in life."
My friends always tell me,
"Man, you saved my life."

But is it true?
Do their words seep
That truth
I so long for?

Or do their words
Tell lies
Viscious ones
That can cut deep?

It's all on perspective I guess.
It depends on a lot of things.
The way I feel one day to the next
Whether or not I'm getting along with someone
How good or bad I'm doing in class

But whether or not
Their words speak truth
I can always count on them
And feel comfort within their walls

Their word blanket me
Like snow I so rarely see
Into an oblivion
But I never lose sight of reality

...And just what was my main point?

Alas, it was to...
Fel Apr 2014
Big happy smiles
That's all I am
Happy smiles
And easy laughs
It looks so natural
Like where it should be
But it hides
Thousands of emotions
Hidden within these smiles.
Some of these emotions
And feelings,
They are happiness
But a lot of them are not.
And my confidence?
Like everything else here,
That is faked pretty well too.
Things are getting better, I promise. I just have to keep faking it til it happens.
Fel Apr 2014
It's weird
How when we talk
I always ask you questions
"Do you like your job?"
"What was your math teacher last year?"
Cause I want to know more about you
But you ask me questions too
"Why do you change the subject so much?"
"Why are you getting defensive?"
Or the classic,
"Why do you stop right in the middle of all your sentences?"
Cause you want to get under my skin
I can tell
You want to see
What cracks me
What breaks me
What makes me cringe
But that's ok--
I'm the same exact way!

The only difference
What will you do with that information?
When I meet someone, I like to find out their insecurities right away, cause if they're someone who I think is pretty special, I want to make sure I don't talk about touchy subjects with them, or do things that make them uncomfortable. I want to know that kind of stuff so I can avoid breaking the person down.
However, with knowing these things, you could also cause a lot of damage to a person, and essentially break them, if you really wanted to.

This one boy is trying to break down my barriers, but I don't know if the intent is good or bad. I guess I'll have to find out....
Fel Jul 2015
Yours is a dead end, but it's the only path I want to take
Fel Jun 2014
Shipping is lovely

Especially when they ship you

To your best friend

Whom you secretly love
Fel Mar 2014

What is beauty?
What is it?
Is it a color?
Is it a pattern?
Is it a state of mind?
What is it?
How do I get it?
Can I buy it?
What is beauty?
What do they mean when they say it's the same as pretty, or handsome?
What are those?
Are they colors?
How can I get them?
Do I have them?

Do I?
I just thought of the three words "What is beauty?" and thought how people who are blind cannot see beauty. They may feel it, hear it, taste it, but never see it. So people who are blind cannot differentiate between someone who may be considered "beautiful" or "ugly."

I don't know, it's just a thought.
Fel Jan 2015
I looked up the word in the dictionary today to read what it really meant

And all it said was your name
Fel Jan 2014
It's always so cold
In my room in the mornings.
I need a heater.
Fel Mar 2014
“Don't you even try,"
They always seem to tell you;
I won't bring you down.
Fel Jan 2014
Oh, the shining brass
How they gleam in the oh so
Unforgiving sun
Fel Jan 2014
Endurance is but
A state of mind that cannot
Be forced upon you
You have to work to endure.
Fel Jan 2014
All of them in black
With their shiny gold buttons
And their big blue F
Fel Jan 2014
I wish that you'd see
The deeper dark part of me
And not be frightened.
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