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Fel Apr 2014
Maybe that's why I'm hated.
I've been told my personality is difficult to get along with.
Fel Oct 2014
But then again, is there a difference between the two?
I can't even tell.
9.2k · Mar 2014
Self Doubt
Fel Mar 2014
If you ever even knew
How much I question myself
In the name of you
Then you'd probably give me more
Than a mere moment or two
7.4k · Mar 2014
10w Poem no. 1
Fel Mar 2014
I
Can't
Live
Without
You
So
Don't
Let
Me
Die
6.1k · May 2014
Blue
Fel May 2014
I hope you know CPR
So when I drown
Inside your eyes
You can save me
Over and over and over
5.6k · Aug 2014
The Iron Rod
Fel Aug 2014
It's hard to hold on to the Rod

When the Iron burns my hands
The concept from the LDS doctrine of the iron rod.
Fel Sep 2014
First, I am from Cassidy
a heritage left behind in Ireland 100 years ago
when a young girl crossed the Pond
Searching for a place in the New World

I am from Sin City
where ungodly saints reign supreme
and the hot summers are barely bearable
Within its glitzy, barren landscape

I am from a Dramatic Family
where music is the main language spoken
where, if you announce you’re left “full,”
Someone will proclaim to be “Fuller!”

I am from Low-income Neighborhoods
where ****** kids have nothing to do
but play hide ‘n go seek
And have ice cube wars

I am from Music
an instrument in every room of the house
with two musicians for parents,
You can only assume on what will become of me

I am from American Traitors and Famous Scientists
Catholics and Musicians,
Military Families and Abandoned Individuals

That’s where I’m from.
An assignment I had to complete in my English class about "Where I'm From." What better place to put it, than to put it on here!
4.0k · Jan 2014
Hardships (part one)
Fel Jan 2014
Hardship.
After hardship.
After hardship.
After hardship.

...And why?
"This makes us stronger people,"
My mother always told me
With tears in her eyes

"God knows we need to
Improve something.
He is just giving us an opportunity
To make ourselves better."

And I sort of believe her.
Just a little bit.
Mainly I just think
That life likes to **** on us.

"Oh, your dad got a good job?
Nah, we can't have that.
Lets make it temporary.
This job will last 6 months."

This happens more often than not.
And it's crazy.
I don't know anyone else
Who has it like us.

And I'm not trying to say
That my problems are greater than yours
We all have hardships
They're all just different ones.

Some people have disabilities
Some people are suicidal
Some people abusive lovers, abusive fathers
No, I will not disregard these people

All I'm saying
Is I'm tired of this ****.
It gets real old
Real easily.

And it never seems to end.
Hardship.
After hardship,
After hardship.
Part one of two
3.6k · Jun 2014
Friend Ship
Fel Jun 2014
Shipping is lovely

Especially when they ship you

To your best friend

Whom you secretly love
3.4k · Apr 2014
Unbeautiful
Fel Apr 2014
Unbeautiful, unbeautiful
Unhandsome and unimportant
This one goes out to the losers
All the liars and the thieves
And the wannabe beauty queens

You're never going to shine
Not even for a little bit
So get off the stage
Before the booing crowds take seize
Unbeautiful, unbeautiful
This one goes out to me.
A possible chorus to a song I'm trying to write. So perhaps sometime in the future, there will be more than these two stanzas
3.3k · Feb 2015
Skinny Love
Fel Feb 2015
Half finished stories and continuous laughter burning our cheeks
Multitudes of inside jokes we forgot we made
When blue meets green, yours to mine
It's amazing to see, if only you'd open your eyes
Written when I should've been taking a test!
2.8k · Jan 2015
Frustrating
Fel Jan 2015
I looked up the word in the dictionary today to read what it really meant

And all it said was your name
2.7k · Jan 2014
Short Story no. 1
Fel Jan 2014
I close the door of the bathroom cabinet, revealing the figure standing in front of it. I tilt my head back, bring my hand up to my mouth, swallow, and feel the slightly farmiliar sensation of the little pill sliding down my throat. Anything that used to be normal is only slightly farmiliar now, an effect of these little pills.
I look up into the ghost in the mirror, the one that slightly resembles my own face. I can barely pick out the individual features, but I'm pretty sure that's me. I bring my hand back up to my face, this time to pull up my cheeks in something that somewhat looked like a smile. Yep, that's me all right. The hand moved to the left, and grabbed my ear, tugging at it. Slowly, it made its way across my whole face, surveying all my features, feeling everything. I'm still here. Wish I wasn't.
I sigh and continue staring at this ghost of a person. She looks tired, and *****. Her dark brown hair ******* in a messy, greasy bun on top of her head. Her once bright green eyes are now a dull brown. Her once flushed cheeks, now completely pale and lifeless, still bear the scars of the crash.
I sigh once more and turn around, almost losing my balance.
I start toward my room, remembering I have to do something today. Not school, nor work, nor anything else in particular. Well, of course there is a reason, but thinking of that reason makes everything clear and painful, so lets just keep things hazy and safe.
I pull my once too small jeans on, which are now extremely baggy on my scarred legs. I try to steady my shaky hands as I attempt the eyeliner, but give up, and remove the waterproof makeup. It's not like he will care, he can't see my face anymore.
A sudden stab of pain envelops within my chest as everything suddenly becomes clear and I can see his face, his beautiful face, laughing. I blackout and end up on the floor.
When my eyes open, they are greeted with the concerned eyes of my sister-in-law. She's holding my face, trying to wake me up. "Woah there, woah. Are you okay?"
I sit there thinking of what just happened and what she said. It takes me a moment, but I reply, "As okay as I ever am."
She rolls her eyes and sighs. "C'mon, get up. We have to do something today."
Another stab of pain as I remember where we're going today and what we're doing. I ***** on her as the pain overcomes me once more, this time not blacking out. Instead the images, the very ones I have countless nightmares about, flit across my mind. Every one bearing pain, bearing a very specific pain. I start to scream and convulse, as I claw the arms of my brother's wife.
My brother comes in to pull me off of her and put me onto my bed, as I continue screaming. I can very clearly feel the very farmiliar pain in the middle of my chest. It's as if 10, no. It's as if a 100, a 1000 knives are being shoved in, turning, breaking bones, slicing organs. And then it feels as if someone is spitting salted lemon juice into my wounds, stinging.
It's all in my head though. Everything I'm feeling is all in my head. And that's the problem right there. Why couldn't I have just died in the crash, why can't I just be gone already.
I blackout again. And when I wake up, both my brother and my sister-in-law are standing there, watching over me. I see that my sister-in-law has changed clothes. Their troubled faces brighten up a little as they watch my eyes open. Unsurprised. This happens every time we plan to go to the hospital to visit him in the ICU. It's happened before, many times, so they know what to do and how to calm me back down.
They help me up from my bed and out into the living room, where there is a tray of fried eggs and bacon sitting on the coffee table. Probably for me.
I disregard it and instead walk to the kitchen to grab the *****.
My sister-in-law was right there to stop me. "No no no, not this early. Besides," she says as she takes the bottle from my shaking hands, "you already took your medication."
I begin to protest, and quit, knowing that it was no use.
Asides from the ***** and my medication, they have baby-proofed the whole house because of me. All knives are locked up somewhere in the garage, any tool that could be used against myself gone. No rope, shoelaces, small appliances, or other things that I may use to **** myself. The ***** was out because they confiscated it from my room. I had shoplifted the liquor the other day, and was trying to start a collection so that I may drink several bottles of alcohol at once and overdose. Not too smart, they search my room all the time. I'm too drugged to even care. And my medication tastes too nasty to overdose on, asides from being nearly impossible to OD from.

In the car on the way to St. Rosemary's hospital, we stop at a florist to get some 'Get Well Soon' stuff. My brother gave me some stronger medication, as he always does whenever we go to the hospital, and it makes thinking better. I'm able to think about what happened, but it makes the images in my head seem like they're from a movie, rather than my own eyes. I'm able to think about the man who lays there in the ICU, day in day out. That man I was once in love with. No, I still love him. And he loved me too. Loved.
I'm brought back to reality by my brother.
"What colour do you want to give him today?"
I don't know why he asks. I always say the same. "Green. His favorite colour."
My brother sighed. "I think he has enough green. But oh well, it's your choice..."
I love my brother very very much. I'm so grateful that he puts up with me. It's kind of a funny thing, when we were much younger and he was a ***** up, I could've sworn that he would have to end up living with me when we were older. Ironically, I ended up having to live with him. Well, 'living with him' isn't what it is. It's more like 'babysitting' or 'mom didnt want her in a mental hospital.' Like I had said before, I'm too drugged to care.

We also stop by SubWay just before we get to the hospital. I get the usual, a footlong ham and Swiss, with three chocolate chip cookies and a large Dr. Pepper. It's not for me, of course. I never eat anymore. This food is for him, if he wakes up. Because if he wakes up while I'm there, I want the satisfaction of being there with his favorite food. I do this every time. It's been a very long time since my brother or his wife has complained, wasting food and such. I don't care whether or not they're mad I waste stuff. I want this, no. I need this, for my fiancé.

Hospitals used to always scare me. As a child, I never had a reason to go to the hospital, except for my mother or grandmother, and even then I never went. I just knew people died there sometimes. I used to be so afraid of death. Now I'm wishing for it daily.
We head up to the ICU. He has his own room to himself, but he wouldn't care whether or not he had other people in there. All the people here know me, since we come around so often. They always look at me with extremely sympathetic looks, and then whisper about me to the people who they're around.
"Poor woman... Was in a terrible car crash... See those scars?... Just about to get married... **** near lost her life..."
They think I don't hear them but I do. It's a complete blessing for this medication, and that it makes me not care anymore, but sometimes I wish I could care. I wish I could turn around to them and tell them to shut the **** up thank you very much. I just literally do not care anymore.
We get to his room. The nurse comes out with the same sympathetic look as the rest of them.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to remember the last time I heard his voice, seen his eyes, felt his smile, heard him singing, the last time he told me he loved me...
And then the whole scene of when my life basically ended flashed across my mind, like a movie.

We were in the car, driving, listening to the iPod that was hooked up, singing along with whoever the hell was on. It was the middle of April. Nice weather. It was the perfect day.
We were on the way to this favorite place of mine, a 'special date' he had called it. At the time I had no idea what he was going to do.
We went into the place, a rollerskating rink. We got our skates and went into the rink to skate around. The DJ called out a special song for a special someone. As we danced and skated to the song, which was 'our song', the song we used to sing to eachother all the time, when a spotlight shined on him and he stopped what he was doing.
"You know that I love you," he said. "And you know that I want to be with you for the rest of our lives." He got down on one knee. "Will you make me the happiest man alive, and marry me?"
I started to cry. I said yes, if course. It was the happiest moment of my life.

When we were finished with the date, we were driving back home. We were seated very close, holding onto eachother.
We stopped at a stop sign, and I wanted a kiss. So I turned my head toward his, and we kissed. When I opened my eyes, we were in the middle of the intersection, and a car was coming our way from the left. It's headlights were shining in my eyes, and it was too close, going too fast. Right before the hit, I looked at it, knew the danger, and screamed my fiancé's name. He looked into my eyes in alarm, and that was when it hit. The other car smashed right into us, t-boning us on the drivers side, while my husband-to-be was driving. That moment felt like an eternity. We were flown around, and we hit some **** I don't even remember.
The next thing I remember was the sirens. The ambulances came and took us away from the wreckage. He was hurt severely, put into a coma. Me, I had some bad injuries, but not as bad as his. We were rushed to the hospital, and he was flown by helicopter to a bigger hospital that dealt with more serious injuries. Within two days he was considered brain dead.

And now, here I am, walking on this earth, while the love of my life just lays there, brain dead. I don't know whose brilliant idea it was to make it so I have to walk around, wondering whether he will ever wake up. The doctors always say that it's been too long, or that there's no hope now, or that we need to pull the plug. But every time they tell me that, I flip out. I flip out so bad they have to basically tranquilize me and send me back to the mental hospital. It's horrible. I just wish I could die, and that they would finally pull the plug after my death, so that we can both be together, wherever we go when we are finished with this life...

And the picture that always haunts me? The one of his eyes, in alarm, when I screamed his name. That picture is what haunts me day and night. It's what my nightmares are composed of. Every. Single. One.

I think all of this over for about a minute before we walk in. No one urges me to go in faster, they all know what I'm doing. They all know that I'm reliving the moment that pretty much took him away.
I open my eyes, ready to see him at last. I take small, careful steps into the hospital room, watching the floor. I finally looked up to see him lying, like usual, in his bed.

...At least, that what I was expecting.

Instead, he was sitting up, eyes wide, waiting for my reaction to see him awake.

And that was when I fainted.
Not my best work, but I felt like writing a full narrative for once.
Last week I was watching the news, and I saw a story about a pregnant woman who is brain dead, and I thought of this idea to write a sort of love story. Meh, enjoy.
2.7k · Oct 2014
Poison
Fel Oct 2014
You probably wonder
Why I keep telling you
How bad of a person I am
I'm just waiting for you to finally figure it out
And realize that I am poison
Of the very worst kind
And that not even ipecac can help you
When you try to regurgitate
All memories of me
Just being honest
2.6k · Sep 2014
Beautiful and Happy
Fel Sep 2014
July 17th 2014 11:49 PM

On the day I was born
I was given the name Felicia
Because my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I was a toddler
I did not think much of beauty
Nor did I think much of myself
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I started school
I started to see beauty.
I thought it meant blonde hair
And pastel coloured skirts
I had neither, but did not think much of it
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I was in third grade
I saw beauty even more
I saw it in my mother,
My friends and my teachers.
I thought it meant a smaller body
But that, I didn't know or think
Until I found out I was ten pounds lighter than my oldest brother.
He weighed 140. 
I started to really think about beauty
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

By the time I started middle school
Things had really changed
I was not like my peers
I felt unbeautiful and awkward.
I began to loathe myself
I started seeing beauty
In everything but me.
Found fake love once
Forever scarred my heart.
Started developing phobias,
Couldn't be seen with some people
Couldn't let anyone hear me breathe.
I thought way too much of beauty
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I was in seventh grade
I thought beauty meant good clothes
Pretty smiles
Fatter wallets
And thinner waistlines
(All of which I had none of)
I thought a lot about beauty
Decided to try something new
One
         Two
                   Three thin slices into my skin
(Found out cutting wasn't really my thing)
I made good friends
Tons of bitter enemies
That all, I felt, were prettier than me
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When eighth grade rolled around
I knew lots about beauty
But started caring for little of it.
Homelessness had racked my life
I worried more about keeping up with school
And picking up a new instrument
Than worrying about beauty
That I still thought a little about.
I made friends that didn't care either
I decided I can live my life
Ugly, in poverty, fat, and awkward
Although some nights I still did cry
About how I never had a boyfriend 
About how no one ever showed interest in me
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

When I started high scho
Beauty was everywhere I turned
But a developing affair I had
With the lovely marching arts
Took all my worrying and cares
Away from beauty
But not completely.
I thought beauty meant
Shorter shorts
Tanner skin
Straighter hair
And an older age.
I was bullied for being a freshman
And often picks on for being far
I didn't  care much to look at myself in the mirror often
But I outwardly cared much less about  everything
Putting off a persona.
Found better friends
And less bitter enemies
That I thought much be a little prettier than me
Also found some bad friends
That couldve gotten me in trouble
Ones that helped create a nasty habit
Of taking things that weren't mine
I however saw a little beauty in myself
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

Now, when I was a sophomore
I believe I truly found myself.
If  not all, then bits of myself.
I made even greater friends
Maybe even found love
And an ever deepening love for the marching arts.
I thought beauty meant
Great musical skill,
Being a good person,
An having a passion for something greater than yourself.
I  started to find beautiful things in people
That we're sometimes reflected in me.
Does that mean I  started to think I was beautiful?
I guess it does.
But I started to accept myself.
All my strengths
My flaws and my quirks and weaknesses
And I believe that comes along with finding yourself.
However,
Academic life started to slip
I did not care much for it
Did not care much for anything, really
But two things:
Love. And band.
Which both have kept me from
Falling into a deep dark abyss
That both of my siblings have experienced and ensures
One I do not safe fall into.
My nasty habit
Had only deepened
And gotten even more daring.
And still, my momma thought I was beautiful and happy

Today
I am fast approaching junior year
I am becoming a young adult
And I see beauty in everything
Myself included
It's amazing
And truly liberating
To feel this way
To not worry
Of what others think of me.
I still have phobias I had developed earlier
I still have the scars where I thought a solution may be found
And I still have a nasty habit
Yet I feel beautiful.
Some days are bad
Most days are good.
I have accepted myself enough
To take a step out of denial
And head toward the truth of change
And still
Through everything
(Although there is much here she does not know about)
My momma thinks I'm beautiful and happy.
2.6k · Jan 2014
In the Key of Bb
Fel Jan 2014
We met in the key of Bb
In that small room
With all the others
It wasn't the first time I saw you though
It wasn't the first time I held you
But it was the first time
I saw you
And held you
And knew you were now mine.

We got to know eachother in the key of Bb
At first our ride was a little bumpy
I was inexperienced,
I didn't like you much at first.
But you were patient
You had been through this before
Time and time again.
Others had had you
But now I have you
And that's all that matters

I made friends in the key of Bb
Because of you, I met good people
Loving people
Friendly people
People I can trust
Which are hard to find.
You introduced me to them.
Every.
            Single.
                        One.
The­se are people I'll know
For the rest of my life

I started a new chapter of my life in the key of Bb
New places, new faces
You helped me fit in
I felt uncomfortable
But you made me right at home
You made my home my home
That other small room
Much like the one I mentioned earlier
Is now my place of peace
Where I feel most calm
Where I can be myself

I found passion in the key of Bb
On that field
Under those stadium lights
That's where I found myself most.
You made me do unnatural things
Things most people
Wouldn't want to do
And you made me do it
Because of my love for you
A love I hadn't truly defined yet
But that came
After the first show
I started to truly believe
In the magic of you
I had my doubts,
But all of those are gone

I realized what I wanted to be in the key of Bb
This was when I fully found my love for you.
This was in my third year of being with you
I truly believed by then
In this magic that has engulfed me
You have given me an opportunity
To do something I've never done.
To travel the world
To perform for hundreds, thousands
To live.

I found love in the key of Bb
You introduced me to him
He's amazing
And he loves you, too.
He has a passion for you as well
And he found me
In the key of Bb

And sometimes
You're a little ******* me
You made me hurt
In ways I never hurt before
But you made me feel joys
That I had never felt before

You gave me friends
You gave me love
You gave me a passion
You gave me a family

What could I do without you?
Can you guess what this poem is about?
2.4k · Apr 2014
Him
Fel Apr 2014
Him
She said
"Describe him to me."

My mind pulled up a blank
To describe him...
No
Impossible
You would have had to
See the way
He is
From my eyes
If that makes sense?
I sure hope it does
2.3k · Aug 2014
Home
Fel Aug 2014
Your eyes on mine


They feel like Home.
2.3k · May 2014
Being Close
Fel May 2014
I wish it would be so easy
         To just wrap my arms around you
And not be afraid of being close
         Or being afraid of how you'll react
I think about this every time I see you
2.2k · Apr 2014
Confession no. 4
Fel Apr 2014
I've always felt "too big."

I have never felt small.
Even when I was little
I was always fat.
I never remember
Being referred to as "little."
My brothers
They always called me fat
My friends, too
And I was always too tall
Just too big, in general
And I hated it
Still do
Cause all my friends,
They're ******* tiny
And they complain.
"Oh, this [insert name of clothing]
It makes me look fat."
Or
"I need to lose weight
I'm at 130 now."
Or the classic,
"My [insert body part] is too fat."
It makes me want to strangle them
Cause they have no idea
What it feels like
To have the only color you look good in
Be the color black
And be labled
As "gothic" or "emo"
Because you can only wear black.
They have no idea
What it feels like
To be anxious around scales
Or anything that has a weight limit
They have no ******* clue.
And my name?
I get called "****** Felicia"
Or
"Felicia the ******" sometimes
Cause of how big I am
And I ******* hate it!
No one knows
How much I hate myself
Because of my weight
And how insecure I am about how big I am
It is seriously why I wish I wasn't me
It makes me wish I was someone else
And it always has
Ever since I can remember,
I have always wanted to be littler
Skinnier.
Just anything
But "too big."
I just really hate my body sometimes.
2.1k · Oct 2014
Sorry
Fel Oct 2014
I'm sorry I'm a bad person
That I steal and lie
Those sunglasses I gave you?
Sorry, I shoplifted them from Walmart

I'm sorry I'm ****** up
That I have terrible tales from my terrible childhood
The stories?
None of them have I made up
Sorry, it's just the way I was raised

I'm sorry I get depressed
That some days are good and other days I can't even talk to you
And those days?
You're the only fix for them
Sorry, I really can't help it

You're ill-equipped to deal with my ****
And that's not your fault.
I'm also sorry that I can't stop saying sorry. I can't help it.
2.1k · Jul 2015
Unfinished?
Fel Jul 2015
Sometimes I wish we were complete strangers
That you only remained to be the quiet kid with the ******* haircut
And that I never told you my secrets
Or anything about my life

Sometimes I wish you haven't heard my stories
That you wouldn't be able to finish some of my tales
And that I never heard any of yours
Or met your family

Sometimes I wish I could just go away
That I could leave you to your own devices, no bother from me
And that you wouldn't have to worry about including me
Or even listen to what I say
And sometimes I wish I could finish a thought about you without finding a block
2.0k · Jan 2014
Hardships (part two)
Fel Jan 2014
Hardships are a funny thing.

Not funny as in "ha ha"
Or as in "weird"

I mean as something
I have always had
That not everyone else
Has always had.

It's like when you meet someone
From a whole different culture
And they have these weird customs
That you're unfamiliar with.

I've always had extreme money issues in my home
And my parents always fighting
And broken down things
And countless other bad things

But then I make a friend
Go to their house,
And see them have
A completely happy family.

No money issues
No fighting
Everything in perfect working order
And countless other good things

And I'm amazed
I never knew
People could ever
Be like that.

It's crazy.
1.8k · Apr 2014
Faking It
Fel Apr 2014
Big happy smiles
That's all I am
Happy smiles
And easy laughs
It looks so natural
Like where it should be
But it hides
Thousands of emotions
Thoughts
Feelings
Hidden within these smiles.
Sure,
Some of these emotions
Thoughts
And feelings,
They are happiness
But a lot of them are not.
And my confidence?
Like everything else here,
That is faked pretty well too.
Things are getting better, I promise. I just have to keep faking it til it happens.
1.7k · Apr 2014
Wishing
Fel Apr 2014
I want to show you
All my writings
I want you to see
All my poetry
And point out to you
How many you were the inspiration behind
How many hold your face behind the words
How many cherish your laughter through their lines
And how many wouldn't be there without you

But I'm afraid
I'm terribly, terribly frightened
You won't understand
Or you won't care
That it wouldn't make any difference
You would hear my words
It'd go right over your head
Or you'd say
"Really, that's interesting."
And go back to your video game

*I just wish I could show you my world through my words.
1.7k · May 2014
Your Seeds
Fel May 2014
Love at first sight?
Not quite
More like second
Or third
Or fourth
But this feeling
It leaves me reeling
On the fact
I fell intact
But are you there?
Should I be scared?
I need protection
So there's no detection
So still I hide
These feelings inside
You think I'm just a friend
I hope it's just pretend
I hope you feel the same way
Until you tell me, I will not say
Whatever happens, I want you to know,
The seeds of your future, I want to sow.
Why the **** did I write this?
1.6k · Feb 2014
Those Dopey Green Eyes
Fel Feb 2014
They make me undone
Like a ball of yarn
I slowly roll away
Deteriorating,
Losing my sense of balance
It's hard to stand straight
Even with the help of your arm
I can't help but fall
             Fall
                       Fall
                                 Down
                       Down
            Down

And here I am
On the ground again
But it's nice here
Why don't we stay awhile?
And watch the stars
How they twinkle just for us
We'll be all right
At least I hope
Fel Jan 2015
12/37/14



Our love flourished in the winter
In a place where it never really got cold
Your eyes were always icicles
And your smell like winter wind

You come off as cold
But maybe as winter progresses toward spring
And life reveals itself from under its snow blanket
You heart too will awaken
1.3k · Apr 2016
Music Maker
Fel Apr 2016
Music maker, trombone player
Master-to-be of all instruments
   For my passion
   an educator in the making
Those notes that live within
Their stave homes on the aged paper
   Are composed of the very things
   that run through these well-played veins
They are the building blocks of my being
That brought me to world-class stages

Music maker, trombone player

I am a future Great
This is for a project in my English class to help us better understand kennings, and their use in Beowulf. I thought my kenning poem was pretty good, and decided to post it on here since I haven't been very active on this site. Enjoy!
1.2k · Jun 2014
Eros & Philia
Fel Jun 2014
Philia above Eros
My love for you

Meaning
I love you like a friend
More than I love you like a lover
Saw a cute post on Tumblr about the different types of love. Decided to relate it to someone who I love very dearly
1.2k · Sep 2014
Rubber Bands
Fel Sep 2014
You would never know how resilient a rubber band is
Until you've stretched it to its max
To have it snap back together
Somehow stronger than it was before
I never knew how long I could go without seeing you
Until the summer kept us apart
But we snapped back together
Somehow closer than we were before
1.2k · Feb 2014
Metronome
Fel Feb 2014
Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

The sound of your clicks
They keep me in time.

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

I rely upon you
To always be right.

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

You'll never mess up,
Or at least I believe...

Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.

But you messing up,
That thought's hard to conceive.

Dock. Dock. Dock...




...but eventually, you do.
Either you have broken down
Or your batteries are dead
Your *docks
stop ticking
And I end up tripping
Flat on my face
Such a disgrace
Especially when I thought
I could be on my own

    I.                                                                                  

Thought.                                                                                          
              
Wrong.                                                                                                                


So I pick myself back up again
Bruised and scarred,
Music of my soul displaced,
And try to find my own beat.

And at first it's hard
I can't keep tempo
But I get the hang of it
Making my own clicks and taps
With my teeth and fingers.
I still mess up,
But I can do this on my own.

At least I believe so                                                                  

But your own beautiful docks
Echo through my thoughts
My beautiful metronome
Clear as day

But it's only a memory
Not strong enough
To pull me through

But that's okay
Independence is key

But somewhere in the distance
I hear your docks
Not just a memory this time
Echoing through my head

And just when I thought I got myself
I stumble and fall,
And pick right back up to you
To your sweet sounds
That kept me align.

You're different now
Not the same                                                              
Not my beautiful metronome
Instead,
You're a ruthless beast
Who devours my very soul
Who steals the music of my heart.

Before, you only displaced it
But not you've set it on fire
And as the flames lick up the pages
Of my dreams and my fears
I see you smile
As I fall on my knees.
I watched it burn in your eyes
My whole world caught on fire
And yet all you do this smile.

And I can still hear the familiar, sickening beat...


*Dock. Dock. Dock. Dock.
I personally feel this poem is one of my best works yet.

Sometimes, the ones you thought you could always depend on end up being the ones to break you down.
1.0k · Apr 2014
You Make Me Sick
Fel Apr 2014
Hey now
I've forgiven you
But I still don't like you
I think you're disgusting
Quite honestly
A pure sociopath
Which is fine
As long as I don't have to deal with you
And to think
I once considered you a friend.
Ick.
The thought of you
Of your name
Your face
Makes me retch
And hell
We're all human
We've all got our own ****
But you're pretty ****** up
And you make me feel
Exactly what you are.
You make me sick.
Inspired by Of Mice & Men's "You Make Me Sick."
997 · Jan 2014
Secrets
Fel Jan 2014
No one can tell
I hide my secrets well
Deep inside
It's where they hide
My demons, my ghosts
In a place where no one can boast
I try to make myself feel better
But the tears make my cheeks wetter
And then my sighs
Not heard in the middle of the nights
They echo my frustration
The result of deep contemplation
I want no one to see
My insecurities
And they make me sad
More than that, they make me mad
Why am I this way?
And why can't I say?
I'm afraid of what they think
And so I sink
Deeper, deeper in my thoughts
Away from all, because I have lots
Of things to say
But I hide away
I build up my walls
I cringe when they fall
I don't want your help
You don't know what I've felt
But I wish I could tell
You know I don't feel well
Not in my mind, nor in my heart
Hiding it's the hardest part

**It's hard to be my own cheerleader
Fel Sep 2014
To be completely honest
I've been feeling quite like a ghost lately
Like I'm empty
And the only time I'm feeling
Only halfway normal, halfway full
Is when I'm around you.
I hate to have to depend upon you in this huge way, but I can't deny it.
Fel Feb 2014
August,
We meet again
In up to 120° weather,
You blister and redden my skin
You cause me to ache
True,
You're only there for about two weeks in August
And those two weeks
They're the worst part
They cause some to lose interest
Those who feel
They have something better to do
But I know better...

September,
We're getting closer.
Everyone flipping out
On how much time you take up
We told you it was a big commitment!
We always tell them
Yet they still whine and whine
And say how they can't wait for it to end
As for me,
I bask in you
Temps are still high,
Days are still long,
The grass still a little green
Muscles still ache
But temps are going down
Days getting shorter
The grass is dying
Muscles are getting stronger
Everyone is getting closer to eachother
Making friends,
Finding meaning in the music and dots
If only barely

October,
Probably the busiest month of the four
All day competitions
Every Saturday
Now you're taking up
A LOT of time
And we got it all locked in now
Everything memorized
Ready to compete and win
For us,
These competitions are no big deal.
We are the best at what we do,
So we're never surprised we always get first
Now I'm not trying to sound cocky,
But It's only the truth
I'd be lying if I said
There was someone better than us
In our Silver State
But that's beside the point,
People are now freaking out on a larger scale
One month left
They all realize with horror
Especially the upper class men
Who're getting close to the end
The end of the thing they love

November,
The coldest month of the four
The most important one
This is the month we worry about
This is the month we work for
This is where we show our true colors
Where we try to see truly how good we are
BOAs
The most important
One in the Beehive State,
One in the Golden State.
We are usually the only reps for our state
And we face actual competition
People better than us
Freshmen,
To them it's just another competition
But to the older, experienced ones,
These are competitions to worry about
The ones where everything actually matters
Where people cry,
Either for defeat or victory.
These ones we're not the best.
But we're apparently good enough
To make it into finals each time
But here in this month
We arrive at the end
And those who wished for the end
Are now feeling like idiots for wanting the end to this magnificent journey
And those who bask in it
Like yours truly
We cry, oh we cry
We grieve over the ending
That always looms
In August, November felt so far away
But the whole thing was gone
In the blink of an eye
And the blinks of our eyes
They blink back the tears

And then we wait
December, January, February,
March, April, May,
June and July,**
Until we meet again
And for some,
That was the end
And for others,
This is the last, second to last
Second or first time
It's all the same
Every year

Bittersweet.
803 · May 2015
Limerick no. 1
Fel May 2015
In English there is a kid named Josh
As a lifeguard he goes splishy splosh
An old man dropped his gown
His smile turned upside down
What he saw made him say, "Oh my gosh!"
Written by my partner in English class, Austin.
778 · Jan 2015
Bedside
Fel Jan 2015
In a place where the Saints go
To eternally lift their load
My own Saint had a ticket
For his own road

2:37 sharp
That Saturday afternoon
God made a plan
For you to leave soon

Bedside is where I'll be
Waiting for the moment you flee
Don't fly away my heavenly friend
Promise me you'll see me again?

I once heard a story
Where "Love is watching someone die"
Do you remember the moral?
Waiting for the fateful goodbye?

Plans put on hold
We had quite a few
How long to wait?
I don't know about you...

Bedside is where I'll be
Waiting for the moment you flee
Don't fly away yet my heavenly friend
Promise me you'll love me again?

Whatever god there is hasn't given me enough time
To be satisfied with all of our lustful crimes
But as the LCD tells me you're drifting away
Your second date will be for today

Don't go away
Tell me how you fight fight fight

Bedside is where I was
Dreading that awful moment it paused
I watched you fly away, my heavenly lover
You promised me, that we'd wait for each other

But your promises were as broken as you
Inspired by Death Cab For Cutie's "What Sarah Said." In the song, he was describing a hospital waiting room, and waiting for the person you love to die and how "Love is watching someone die/ So who's gonna watch you die?" I started to imagine how it feels, and I spurted this bit out. Enjoy.
707 · Jul 2015
Fourteen
Fel Jul 2015
Yours is a dead end, but it's the only path I want to take
697 · Mar 2014
Classes
Fel Mar 2014
Before school: Seminary
The religious class
That's optional
If I don't care about being harassed by church leaders
Otherwise,
I have to deal with it.
But I kinda like it
The teacher's nice
A little too cheery
Being it six o'clock in the morning
But nonetheless,
I love her to death
And the people,
They're kind.
I've got some band family in there
We three sit in the back
The Italian French horn player
And the Ginger fellow trombone player
(And I reserve them those names
With only but love)
And they're my buds
I love them so.

1st hour: Band
My favorite
The best
Above everything else
Nothing could compare
What, with those wonderful people
My wonderful family
Of a little under 300
And their wonderful faces
And wonderful talents
And wonderful personalities
And the boy
The beautiful boy
The One
He's there
And my friends
They're all there
Almost everyone I love
They're there.
(Plus,
I like the program, too)

2nd hour: Jazz Band
Second best
Not as great as first
Still band
But not band
I'm worse here
But I like these people
They're the "ultra family"
The ones who are always there
The true band geeks
Who take this shot
Twice a day
Two times in a row
Like me
And I like it.

3rd hour: English
I love my teacher
The only "Ms."
On my entire schedule
She's awesome
But drowns me in work
I can't deal
I hate this class
I'm smart enough to get everything
But too lazy to do anything
Passed a semester with a D
Failed both quarters,
Aced the final exam
This shows my intelligence,
And shows my disobedience
And I like the people here too
Not as much as the earlier
But they're nice all around

4th hour: Chemistry
Indifference.
I used to feel that in this class
But the Other caught my eye
The one I'd known for four years
And made me enjoy it
(Made my grades go down a little, too)
But he's nice
Talks to me about music and such
While everyone else there annoys the **** out of me
I hate everyone there
Save it be three kids
And the teacher
Everyone there is annoying
Which is fine
I've got headphones for that
And the boy
I've got him too

Lunch
My closer friends
Members of the family
Who talk about
Anything
And everything.
Mostly band,
Boys,
And school
But they're nice to have around
And I love the three of them
Very very dearly
Even if one or two
Occaisionally get on my nerves

5th hour: World History
I like this class
It has the most members of the family
Outside of 1st hour
Plus the Other
He's in here again
And I sit behind him
And he helps me on my work
And the Ginger
And the Italian;
They're all in here
So it makes for a fun class
And my teacher,
He's pretty funny
Can joke around with everyone
Sounds a bit gay
(I'm not being mean,
Literally EVERYONE says that)
But its still pretty nice

6th hour: Algebra II
I used to like math
But now I hate it
Thanks to the wonderful thing
Invented by Muslim scholars
Yes,
The wonderful (hateful) art of Algebra
That is a horrible end to my school days
But the class is dope
This teacher is the best
He's so freaking chill
Just yesterday,
We sat around
And he told us about his life
And gave us this giant pep talk about life
Giving us advice
Cause he's a coach
And he gets us
(Graduated but a decade earlier
In the very same school he teaches at)
But he's awesome
Doesn't mind I skip out
A couple minutes early
Or get in class
A couple minutes late
He's just the best
And the people of that class?
A little closer to my 4th hour
Than all my others
And there's a boy in there
Annoys me everyday it seems
Trying to flirt;
I think he likes me?
Oh well
The class is awesome

And I like them all
In their own ways
They're all good
I dunno. I just felt like writing about my schedule for whatever reason. Enjoy learning about my day
668 · Feb 2014
Death of a Friend
Fel Feb 2014
Thought you found the holy one
They take a little, she takes none
It's just a frontage after all
Oh how easy do they fall
One by one, and over again
They shed a little of their skin
First you mingle,
Then you dance
Pull it to a safe distance

It pours outside
You need a ride
Wish you hadn't gone inside
Fumble for the side hand door
You don't want to stay no more
The handles broke,
The light is low
Break too late and off it goes
Falling forward from the edge
Try to remember the words you read

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They spread your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh


All the lights are shining through
Hit you when you try to move
Know the ending
Know the start
Know the place where it falls apart
The red herrings not fooling you
Tricked you last time before you knew
Barreling towards the bitter end
The ****** comes
You lose a friend

Growing up and dressing down
Learn the truth to shut your mouth
It's not what all you'd thought it be
Cuts your heart so gradually
Sew it up and snip the thread
Dry the tears they made you shed
Hold the chair,
Slip the noose
Never forget who cut you loose

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They spread your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

Confidence dies
A little every day
You lose your way, I lose it too
I wish I was back
Safe inside instead
But I'm at a funeral for a friend.

Don't want to know
You tried too hard, they said,
But you never wanna go
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh

And are your feet cold?
They sorta your ashes all
And all across the snow
Way oh way oh oh oh
Way oh oh oh
Way oh
THIS IS NOT MY WORK. It is simply one of my favorite songs that holds a lot of meaning for me. THE CREDIT FOR THIS GOES TO THE AMAZING BAND TRAPDOOR SOCIAL. If you like this, you should go check them out. They're pretty freakin cool.
661 · Sep 2014
21:26
Fel Sep 2014
When I am thinking of your lips
The soft pink
Against your ivory skin
I am thinking of how wonderful they must feel
And about the secrets they hold
I am thinking of how their corners go up
When I tell you about my day
And how it starts a domino effect across your lovely face
And you shine like a beacon
Through my dark days
And I am wondering if
It's
The same 
For
You?
643 · Apr 2014
New Shoes
Fel Apr 2014
Sometimes,
You never know how good you could feel
Until you get a new pair of shoes.
Really, the simple pleasures are what make life bearable.
635 · Mar 2015
History Repeats Itself
Fel Mar 2015
I invested so much into you
And when you crashed
I fell into my own Great Depression
629 · Apr 2014
Untitled
Fel Apr 2014
You beat me to the punchline
And gave me a black eye
With your lack of eye contact
Whenever you speak to me
Which isn't speaking
You say two words
Two. Words.
Hi.
And yeah.
Two ******* words.
Add some more
I can't remember your voice
Look me in the eyes
I can't remember their color
Do something!
Say **something!
Still dealing with this ****
628 · May 2014
Untitled
Fel May 2014
I like it when you're tired
And when your thoughts and words go
Go go go
And never stop.
They're unfiltered
So I see the true you
All your crazy thoughts
Your weird plans
               We should invent an artificial sun
                               that runs on solar power!

And we act foolish
Completely immature and playful
And I get to see your crinkly-eyed smile
And hear your hushed giggles
Whenever you laugh at the silliest things
And it's truly beautiful
Last night was a great night.
614 · Apr 2014
Untitled
Fel Apr 2014
There's still something there
I lied when I had said
Nothing
But nothing
The spark that was there between us
It still exists
It is not dead
The glowing embers
Are slowly coming back to life
As we play War
And laugh at eachother's stories
These glowing embers
Will soon grow to a wildfire
And burn everything in its path
Cause the pull of out hearts
They're stretching again
The rubber bands between us
Are making us snap back together again
Dont break the elastic

Don't break me

And I promise to do the same
610 · Feb 2014
Awkward Shit
Fel Feb 2014
I'm sorry I'm not the one you wanted
I'm sorry I even asked you
If you didn't want me,
Then why did you say yes?
To spare my feelings?
To be nice?
It'd be better if I never even asked
Cause we can't talk anymore
And I can't stand it
It's like
I try so hard
To get a thought out of you
And you either just
Look away
Pretend you didn't hear
Or you just
Give a slight chuckle
"Huh huh huh"
And nod
No words
Or little words
And I want more words
I don't care
Whether or not
You feel the same way
I just want to talk to you again
And I don't get it
Mixed signals ****
My best friends think you feel the same
And that that is why you're so awkward
But I think that you don't
And that you just want to be friends
Or not even anymore,
After my bold move
Please
Get me out of my hell
Sure,
I would be very hurt
If you had said no
But I'd rather have that than this
At least with that
We could still talk
Have actual conversations
Conversations with two sides
Two equal sides
Sides that actually cared
I'm sorry I even bothered
To go after you
I should have left it alone
And that's why I never do this
This is why I never take chances
Sure,
Someday it might work
Just maybe
I'll find someone
And love them
And the feeling would be mutual
But I'm impatient
I'd rather just not try
Just say "**** it,
I'll never win."
And move on
At least then I won't get frustrated
Or get hurt
Really,
I'd rather be just friends with you
Than be whatever the hell we have
This awkward ****
It *****.
I only want a freaking conversation. Talk to me.
605 · Dec 2013
I Hide
Fel Dec 2013
I hide away
From all to see
All of my problems
And my insecurities

I hide with many different things
Hats, sunglasses, headphones, hoodies
You name it
I use to hide myself

I don't even know why I do it
It's not like I'm bullied or anything
No one calls me out
On my many flaws

Yet I still feel
Inadequate
No matter what.
I can't explain

So all I do
Is I hide
591 · Apr 2014
I Love You
Fel Apr 2014
But do not let this
Rub you the wrong way
I love you
But I'm not in love with you.
I mean, surely
I could be in love with you
          *But I'm too inexperienced to tell a difference between the two
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