This is nothing but another depressed soul

Typing away all that I know

See I've been months clean

But there is things unseen

A smile that is fake

A laugh they can't take

Beneath it all something I couldn't take

So this is her  life .... Has been and probably will be forever.. Because She will always be depressed Sheannice who can never see the fun in things.. The girl who kills to make others happy because she herself cannot .... Pushes everyone away because she's afraid of Someone who will stay... She hides the things that hurt her most because re living them brings only more pain than it should.. Getting close to people is never a plan because nothing lasts forever, trapped in a world of what if's, struggling each day to stop the things that put her at the edge of goodbyes rather than hellos, smiles hide the pain, something no one can explain

It's all about being AFRAID

Afraid, afraid to close your eyes because you don't want to dream.
Dreams are not reality, in fact they are everything you wished you had, teasing you till you become Insane. You cry for the day someone will understand you pain, the pain that's never the same, you've become afraid to fall asleep, to fall asleep and never wake up, but that's what you want isn't it? To end the pain you've been suffering.

you don't have the guts, you can't sit there and take your life, you fall and fall, constantly picking yourself up, but never forgetting to leaving bits behind, your body becomes soulless, it becomes dark, you once were something, now nothing, Dreaming of the day you won't have this pain, going insane, you watch others , they're not hiding, why are you?

Why are you so afraid to let others see you fall, to know that you once have given your all but have received nothing at all for the things so small , see a dream can Become you're worst enemy, haunting you with the things you desperately need.

You internally bleed, but on the outside you plead, you plead for it to all go away, you know it doesn't happen just like that and that it's within time, but what if there's not enough time.

They say that some things can make you stronger , but you've given up on being strong , as I sit here, I realize that there isn't one strong bone left in my body, I carry my self to only let myself down , I put faith in others for them to only let me down, it's a never ending cycle , and it seems to have become all I've known, we all need and want someone to care, but that's not what I want nor do I need it, I've mentally and most times physically been on my own.

I'm not upset anymore because I don't have anyone there or anyone who loves me , I'm upset at the fact that I allowed myself to fall into such state of darkness , the darkness that tell you that's it's okay to let this be the end, you have the devil on one shoulder and god on the other , but the devil is playing tricks on you , tricks of the mind...

So I sit here and ask myself what it is that I truly want , and who I want to do it with,

No one and nothing , you hear all these inspirational speakers who can talk about their journey, their struggles and how they overcame them.. What if you don't know where it all began , it could of just popped up out of no where, but that's not how it is, there is always a beginning,  and an end, for now I will hold onto the beginning, and hope for the end.

I'm not trying to hurt others
I'm just trying to run away from people who will be there because I am scared of possibilities

I hate that moment my anger turns to tears because I am thinking about all those years , the years that I was free, I could be me, the years my tears were from the little scrape on my knee or because no one wanted to play with me. The years where there wasn't years of sadness, because sadness was nothing but a word. It was in those  years I didn't dream of killing myself , I never really cooks understand why others felt that way, but no one does until  they become one of those dreamers. It was after those years that sadness was now something more than just a name, it had become all of me, it was now my routine , the dreams became the monster pushing you, the reason you wanted to jump off the bridge , the reason you've learned how to tie the perfect knot that could only be cut loose , dreams leaving you with no way out. Months go by sleepless nights, endless fights thinking you could trust someone out of sight

Pen and paper the escape of the mind.
The Place where a thought is now not a thought.
The words now written aren't seen as just feelings, they are seen as a way into the mind of those they are written by.
Words that cannot be spoken because they just don't sound the same. When you cannot put the words together seems like your mind is going insane. With each stroke of the pen it seems to get easier, the thoughts become words on paper, they no longer consume space in your mind. Allowing you to move on.

If this shall be the end, thinks it best to let you know I was crying and trying but it only feels like im dying maybe im flying, flying with the angels who once tried to take me. Maybe im free, this cant be heaven, because everyday im put through hell hoping there is a plan for me. A plan that the things that tear me down will no longer be a part of me. That i will no longer want to take my own life because i am scared of me, living isnt all what its meant to be, i cant tell you how many times i was close. I cant tell you how many times i tried because i just couldnt find a meaning to my life. Its like a battle and im never winning, Ive never wanted to leave so bad in my life.

I have never starred at a blank page and never not known what to write.
Its like the words  no longer express my feelings, feelings that are no longer short phrases or poems of emotions.

My feelings  are inexpressible they have become so complicating.
I have mentally blocked out what was my outlet " Writing". I was once able to let out my emotions on a page and leave them there, But now its like I write an emotion and gain twice as much back.

I have lost my battle  and my strength to continue to try. As I sit here writing I realize that this may not make sense to anyone else but me. If you are reading this I have never wanted to make sense to anyone, because these are my feelings . I am just writing how I feel

Taking away the pain just seems so impossible

It's hard to smile when a smile is so hard to achieve

When there is nothing to smile about

When there's things  standing in your way

Others will try and be there but they will never understand

They will never understand how you feel

How can you be helped if you don't want to be helped

If you're so comfortable with who you are

But at the same time it's all you ever knew

We played hopscotch, and jumped rope. We picked on the kids that weren't cool like us. We dreamed that one day we'd be at each other's weddings,being god mothers and spoiling each other's kids. It's like we were stuck like glue, we shared secrets and made memories. Helped with breakups and even shared crushes ( sometimes the boys weren't cute), we didn't care it was the little things we shared. Almost like we were inseparable , like long lost sisters. Holding everything close to our hearts. Late night phone calls about everything and anything , Sometimes calling to cry or even to laugh about absolutely nothing but we enjoyed it! Something we thought would last forever. We talked about growing old and seeing the new generation making us almost feel like we were ancient, Quickly realizing we were getting ahead of ourselves a little. Shopping to find the perfect outfits and leaving with the same outfits and planning the days we'd wear them. Till just one small thing Change our forever. We didn't see eye to eye anymore , having the same crushes turned into seeing who could get them first as if it was a game(because at that age we didn't know love).

It's like it took one day and there was two different people standing in the mirror , two people that were not us. The one I shared my secrets with now became the one i feared to keep them, the one who was now on the other side beating me down and backing me up against the wall. Someone I didn't know , someone who left me so powerless. Hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'd be wrong to point fingers but there is not other explanation for the sudden change that I didn't prepare for.

My best friend, I guess That is what you call them, but I mean it takes a lot for them to earn that and so little to loose it. Not you, after all the troubles through out those 3 or 4 years I still called you my best friend , because after all you did know everything. If you think it got better for the friendship when we hit middle school. We now were finding who we are, still trying to keep the strong friendship that we once had. Eventually that friendship became into separate at that time they were called "crews".

I was the target and was forever the target!! We seemed to change over time and put our differences aside, but you know that saying " never judge a book by its cover" it's the same with friends, which is hard for people to get really. High school is just that, a whole bunch of judgemental books judging others, a library of bad books, you know the ones no one ever read unless the back has something to do with ***,relationships or drama. Well that is high school , the place you're suppose to have the best 4 years of your life! I guess you can if you find the right group of non judgmental books.

It's late at night and my mind is at its worse. I guess the pressure of things falling into place is hard for me, but it shouldn't be. I guess the thoughts i  have of everyone leaving me is now becoming a reality , and the one relationship I'm suppose to value, no longer feels valuable. So my mind begins to search for all the loose ends trying to put them back together in hopes that it will get better. " who am I kidding", saying it will get better Is like saying the Great Wall of China was built in a day,  because getting better is one of those things that with a mind like mine we live off of believing will come true. I wrote a letter the other day, a letter of hatred to all the people who have ever hurt me. In that letter the only person that seemed to hurt me was "me". It was my own reflection in the mirror. As if it appeared to be mocking me.

Tears now because you wake up in the same life you went to sleep hoping you could run away from.. Opening up but scared of shutting down . you're given a chance , how could they possibly understand , how could  they know what life is like when everything for you is black . Telling you it's natural , If it's natural when why am I the only one in the group who feels like this . Why am I the only one who cannot tell when someone does Care, when someone is honestly there to Listen. Warning them to not get close because the life you live is not one you'd like to burden anyone with. Protecting them because they cannot protect you , it is over because you've learned how to control the only thing that could make you better , learning how to turn those dreams into writing because you are no longer able to fight , and that one person still remains out of sight..

Have you ever not wanted to love someone, but not know how to do so.
Not loving someone would **** most, because to love someone and be loved means that you're truly living life.

What if I told you that  not everything can be loved.
I myself cannot be loved, loving me would be destruction to ones self.
I am a ticking time bomb, I am so difficult, driving anyone near me crazy trying to figure me out.

No-one knows what I am capable of. I myself do not know what I am capable of, scaring the anyone who just wants to love me. So Please, if you are to love me just know that though I may not say it with words, or even actions. That i do indeed love you, that somewhere along the line I was hurt. Know I am trying to let you in, that giving up on me   would only prove that I am unloveable.

Tracing my body with chalk as i lay upon the side walk,
Who knew being so high could make me feel so low.

Rude, ugly, hated upon, disrespectful, selfish,unwanted, loner,spoiled. That's what they see and think, but if you were to actually take the time you would see the complete opposite. You see I think the same things about myself, but carry myself other wise, as to be putting on a show. To changes the mind of a few would take the effort of changing a million, it takes the respect for oneself to gain that of others. It takes accepting you before others can do the same, but there has always been the question of what accepting yourself means.. You see l live in this Fantasy world. I live in a society that being weird isn't okay, and because you're weird and stand out you do not fit in with the mold, because my hair doesn't fall a certain way, it is not the right texture or I do not have the perfect curls. I am different ,Where loosing your virginity seems to be a trend rather than achieving the things people said you cannot.Because being thin, having a natural beauty, being tall is the best thing. I live in a society that has done nothing but made me feel so uncomfortable with my self because I am not what they define as beautiful... I live in a society that seems to be my one true enemy. As if I was born in the wrong generation as to test my ability of what it is to live. But it's is not just the physical things, it is the emotional and mental. This society had taught us to never show what it is we feel, we much not show one another our weakness's because that leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerable to what? I have never really understood why we cannot strive to be our own people, why we must be like one another. I have never really understood , why were seen and being depressed because we naturally are able to feel more sadness than others, why those are seen as being suicidal because they have come to realize that they are not ready for what this society has to offer, they are not ready to live somewhere they are seen as being uncapable, where talking is a chance to give more pills, where talking is seen as a sign of an action soon to follow. But I cannot speak for those suffering, it is me I can only speak for.  Which at times seems even the slight impossible to do, because I find myself wanting to believe that I am not like what I am seen as.. Where one day no one will have to see scars to know your aren't okay, that realizing talking is really only the best you can do for some people, and because I am writing this doesn't mean that I am " depressed" or " suicidal" . It just means that I am one more person who is able to express the way they feel, I am one more person who is able to keep going, because I am 17 and my life is an open book, each chapter is different, but will connect in one way or another , because sadness will always be my foundation, finding the light will be my only goal and the Beginning of every chapter....