One day I’ll be sat next to you and we’ll have the car window down with music blaring way too loud as we drive under a sunset of lilac and cinnamon kisses with boxes in the back as we adventure on to the apartment we’ve just bought and that for the first couple of months we’ll probably struggle to afford.

But right now, we’re focused on decorating the rooms with succulents and picking out scented candles for the bathroom. Instead of unpacking for the first day or two we’ll keep the music blaring and dance with each other barefooted across the wooden floor and fall more and more in love with everything and starting a whole new life.

It is the thoughts like this that are still keeping me alive.

Here you are again
Lying next to me, I was wrapped up in the comfort of my duvet just a few seconds ago But now I’m tangled up in your fingers (again)
They speckle my skin with indigo and violet ink that I scrub at
It wont wash off
Your teeth sink into my neck, through my veins
You’ve entered into my bloodstream
My limbs start to detach
All I am is this mould of flesh in the palm of his hand
You keep crashing into me
Painting every corner of my body with your tongue
Crimson seeps down my spine as he plays it like a violin
Strumming and plucking at my cords
When will it end?
God, when will this end?
I close my eyes, they’re filled with water
It fills my mouth and lungs
I’m drowning
His body is a weight that drags me down further
It refuses to let me swim up towards the surface
Even a quick gasp for air is forbidden -
Tell yourself that this is just another bad dream
Keep telling yourself that
I’m fading into his sheets
I wake up
Wrapped in the comfort of my duvet, just like I was a few seconds ago
I’m alone but
The memory of him is always ever-present
He lives on in every cell and every bone.

I can still smell the mixture of mud and water on the ground, the stench of **** in the air as we walked next to each other across the campsite whilst the sun glared down on us beneath clouds filled with rain. I can still feel the sound of the bass vibrating from the main stage whilst you and I were all over each other in my tiny two-man tent that could only really fit one. I can still taste the overpriced candy floss we shared with each other and how your smile made my insides melt quicker than the ice cream we ate whilst watching the fair rides flash by under the sunset sky. That weekend flashed by faster than those screaming as they spun around in the neon-clad waltzer. I still wish to relive those four days, the four days I learned what love truly felt like and the four days I saw nothing but kindness in your ocean coloured eyes. But maybe it was the drugs in the air, the whole idea of a summer in love whilst we danced drunk together to Mumford and Sons that made me see you as someone worth my time. I was under the illusion of summer romance and it almost cost me my life.