I want to fold myself into you

But you’re not there

So I’ll clutch my pillow

And pretend

A thick silky ebony sky
Warming us with its salty tears
A quick sharp beautiful dance
That masks the mundane fears
Oh how those sorrows prance about
Making souls fly
Causing the desire for tomorrow to begin
Cease until morning sunrise

Your mind,
So beautiful
Causing the soldiers
Battling within my head,
To ceasefire
An ongoing conflict
Finally at rest.

Why don't you
**** Me
Up against the walls of an
Art Gallery
So I can become a more fitting
Masterpiece

I find comfort in make believe-
Fantasies
The way others might find comfort
In the thought of their lungs
Filling up
With water
But, the idea of drowning terrifies me
I’ve ran to the edge of a cliff before telling myself
The rocks might soften the blow
Catch me,
Before the water does
My skull will splinter and lay amongst the dirt.

I couldn’t find the courage to jump
However, I try to tell myself that laying down on the cotton wool grass
And looking up into space with tears running down my face
Whilst a voice tells me
“Sort your **** out before you truly do collapse”
Before I do go over the cliff's edge
Is far braver then becoming
Scattered bones
Amongst the water's side
There is such an ugliness with the obsession with wanting to die
It's far more than wanting though
Even more than a release
It’s a craving, a sick twisted addiction
A constant need-

Because once I am dead I will rot
I will become one with the Earth
Become a part of the soil
There is an uncertain ease in knowing that my body without function
Has so much more
Purpose
Compared to the one sitting here, breathing
With a heart beating on the inside
It’s like all I do with my time is drink tea and get high
Or
Dress up and get drunk

I’ve got these two people inside of me
But each of them both live in fear of sobriety
So instead of diving into liquid, giving the dramatics
I will destroy my organs and my mind
Because right now it feels like a way to simply past the time
There is always too much time
And self- destruction through substance
Feels like far less of a commitment
Then committing to actually jumping

Maybe I am not brave at all
Because I still lack the courage
To not destroy myself
One way or another.

We were wrapped up in blankets and sheets
That had memories of others who lay here before imprinted on them
Your hands were locked in mine
I could feel your velvet skin between my fingers
I had felt silk, wool and cotton before
But velvet has always been my favourite material
The silence of the room sang songs
I had heard it sing before
Songs that tasted of melting honey and warm milk
There was a sadness stirring inside me again
It had visited countless times before
Yet the thread of past ex lovers  always chose to ignore
But you looked at me and could feel it too
So you curled your body up against mine
And began to extract each droplet of woe
You replaced it with intimacy
That hit me like the sun rays when lying on the grass on a hot summers day
Then I realised
You know

You came to me again

The aftermath is almost the worst part

How do you survive constantly reliving hell?

Dreams will turn into nightmares

And so will reality

Everything will take the shape of you

Your hands will be all over my skin

Your hands will be around my neck

I’ll try and shower you off

But I’ve scrubbed at my skin so much

There is almost nothing left.