It's exactly 12 AM.
Avoiding you again.
Back to old habits.
Pushing you away when I can't do anything anymore.
When all I feel is guilt.
I try not to do it, but it's so easy to be tempted into doing old habits.
Especially the worst ones.
Sorry for all the trouble I've caused you.
You deserve better just like the rest of the ones I've pushed away.

I thought I was
over the silly little butterflies.
But whenever you're near,
I could feel them fluttering around.
I could hear my own heartbeat.
I could feel it beating like crazy.

I find myself looking down
and around just to
avoid your brown eyes.
The eyes I've always adored.
Wishing I could look straight into
them without feeling anything.
Because when you're around,
I feel all the butterflies
and heartbeats x2.

- S.S.

I can't seem to focus.
All I think about
are old memories.
I can't get rid of them.
You're clogging up my mind.
I just want them
to stop.
The flashbacks,
the feelings,
everything.
I need to breathe.
Please let me breathe...

-S.S.

It's funny how I thought you
were going to be the one
who ends up hurting me,
when the person who ended up hurting me was myself.
I pushed you away when I
need you the most.

You were the only person who
could make me laugh when I was close to tears.
You were the only person who
could make me forget all my
problems.

Where are you now?

There has to be another explanation for all of this.
Please tell me the real reason.
Please tell me that you never used me.
Please tell me I wasn't a rebound.
Please tell me that i'm just over thinking all of this.
I'm not okay.
I need closure.
The right kind of closure.
Please tell me what you felt was real,
because all I feel right now is pain.

I can't move on because of you.
Nothing will ever change between us.
No matter how many times we try,
we can never remain as friends.

But maybe it's because one of us
eventually
gives up,
and usually,
it's you.

As soon as you have my hopes up,
you drop me.
As soon as things get better between us, you leave.
And I never knew why.

You're constantly going back and forth,
in and out of my life.
It drives me completely insane.
Not because you're constantly in and out of my life,
but because I let you.
No matter how big the damage is,
I always let you back in to fix it.
Even when I know you create bigger messes every time.

Do you still like him?* they ask.
I don't answer.
Not because i'm scared of them judging me,
but because I wasn't exactly sure.
Well do I?

I look for you in the large crowd.
You catch me glancing at you.
I immediately look away.
I feel my face getting hot.
My heart stops.
I look back up and I see you walking
towards her.
You give her the tightest hug.
You look at me then back at her.
You hug her again.
I walk away as fast as I can.
I find myself alone and I feel it.
I feel the ache in my chest.

Of course I still like you.
There never goes a day
when I don't think about you.

-S.S.

I wish we could forget.
Forget all the things we never wanted to remember.
If the past is in the past, why do we still remember,
remember how it felt?
How it all felt.
One day we forget
but the next,
All of the feelings hit us again.
Every stab in the back and
every broken heart.
Why can't we forever forget?

- S.S.