Why is it that
Even when you've been planning the break
Prepared yourself for the shatter and shake
...it still hurts like hell?

Alone
Lost
Abandoned
In this desolate society
Like so many others
Without a father
Without either set of my grandparents
It's just my mom and I

I seek shelter in my friends
But I never seem to find the right kind
I've broken more friendships than I should
No wonder they leave me too
Emotionally at least

But there's one brave, kind soldier still holding on
I broke his love
I banished his trust
And I haven't helped his internal storm
...But yet still he hangs on.
I know he's not the religious sort at all
But God bless him

At least I got one there for me :)

am i real?
does anyone see me?
am i not a ghost?
sometimes,
the way people look past me,
i think i might be one.
so often i feel forgotten,
left out.
i mean i have friends,
yeah,
but i wish others would see me too.
today i feel blue.

Starless, chilly an autumn night
It all started right
A dance it would be
A stranger I was
Amongst a two roosts of Latter Day Saints
Popular, I was not
Neither shy nor sociable,
I stood in wait for a suitor
Then a lad glided in
A bit taller than I, blonde hair, green eyes
And an adorable hat on his head
Chitter-chatter,
Smiles, laughter,
Then the Games began
This suitor, Gage he was called
Had speed, but not dexterity
And was soon defeated
Charming, cheering, continuing
The dancing came
Clumsy, was I ever so
While he radiated mastery
Every misstep spin on my part
Made him smile
He whispered in my ear,
In hot breaths,
Compliments of golden rarity
A suitor of suitors I see
A spectacular dance, then another...and quite a few more
Each spin drawing me closer,
As we learned the ways of our bodies purely
The intense stares making my cheeks glow rouge
Beguiled in the moment,
I followed Gage out in an innocent move
Outside, taking a walk around the sacristy
We sat upon an abandoned stair
We spoke, we laughed, and...
His sparking eyes locked with mine
And I knew such a day would come!
An elegant milestone!
Lips in incoherent shapes as we did the most ancient of things
Simple and sweet
Breathless, I was
Yet I wanted more
We kissed once again, longer this route
Your lips are sweet, he said in my ear, as I shook in delight
Paper and pen, number in hand
My phone in his hands, exchanging modern things
A quick hug
And a long night of thought for me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since then, contact has been strangled to a near death
As though it was alive beforehand
My hope has faded
But still, I choose to see it as a lesson for the wise
Not a regret for the stupid
It was magical,
It was ordinarily extraordinary,
And blessed I feel for the experience.

Things have been rough
Since I pushed you off the cliff
And tried to recover your mangled body.

I try to make it seems as though I don't need you
I lie to myself
As I did to you
I'm too good at lying

But the truth
Is that imagining my life right now without you in it
Would be like cake without icing
Still good, but not as nearly as good as it could be

I confide in you
I trust you
I want to believe in you
I speak to you at my loneliest
I share my thoughts, my scattered emotions, with you
I understand it now
I need you much more than you do me
I just do

I am well aware I wronged you
I didn't mean to
I have no tactic
No good strategy

If your heart was something electrical
Charged to 80%
You're now left with 5% or so
All because of me
That's how much I hurt thee, no?

I may not understand you
You complex being
But I do know some things, monsieur

And this is my Poetic Response.

Long gone friend
Thousands of miles away
I've been all wrong

A friend like no other
You've been there for me
And been ignorant to you
Only thinking of myself
And none of you

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is all around
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
There's not a fix for this
But I say my apologies

Older brother I see you
An adviser through the fire of adolescence
I've broken you so much
And yet you tolerate me
Yes, you tolerate me
And yet I still have the nerve to be ungrateful
And I have made you so hateful
Oh a cruel reality indeed

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is abound
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
And I cannot erase my mistakes
But I say my apologies

I am young
I am weak
I am stupid
I am meek
You are strong
You've helped me through so much
Then I went and broke your love
And we stand
Ever so far away
In every single way

My wise adviser
Rich with the creativity of poetry
I have hurt you
I've ignored you
I've only come when I've needed you
And I'm so sorry
I cannot fix what I have done
But I'm sorry...

So today (Dec. 22) I was at a rest stop on my way home from my family's small town near Waco, Texas. We stopped to refresh ourselves, but I stayed in the car with my mom. As I sat there chatting with her about the reunion we just attended, I heard a little country band playing some really tacky country music. I saw 2 female back-up singers, a guy on drums, and the leading man with a guitar. I felt something towards those microphones. Maybe it was because the group was just that bad and I thought I could do better or maybe it was my frustration with my family, thinking that singing could fix it. I don't really know what it was. I just felt the urge to get out, take the microphone from the leader, and belt out a Christmas classic like Silent Night. I can sing pretty well, but I still didn't do it in the end. Too embarrassing, especially in front of all those strangers.

Against my chest
Beats my heart
And blood
It flows
From my head
To my toes
With such mastery
It drums to the beat
Of the rain on this little street
I don't have much to do
But listen to my heart beat, beat, beat
On the cold street
On this slow, rainy day

The door clicks
The light flickers off
You go from being part of "them"
To being you
Alone besides inanimate belongings
Lending only temporary distraction
From yourself.

In the dark,
There are no boogie men
Only your conscious berating
Assaulting
Worries rain
Tears fall
And no one's the wiser.

Every statement becomes a question
Every little insecurity metastisizing
Growing to ail the mind.

Fear not
The light will come again
And when it does,
Happiness will float down
Like petals after a summer wind
To comfort and ease your suffering

Do good
Do the best you can
And all that you deserve will follow.

Sometimes being unique is a hassle
When you're in a castle
Where everyone is the same
And no one's like you
There's no one to talk to

They don't know your music
Or read poetry

You don't share the money
That drips like honey from their clothes

You don't like rap
Which is readily on tap

You're not athletic
Makes you feel pathetic

You feel so alone
Unknown
They're all such clones
Same hair
Same clothes
Same likes and dislikes
What's an outsider to do?

You end up left out
In a dark corner where nothing presides
Divides you from everyone else.

Sometimes being different is a hassle
When you live in a castle
Where being different is frowned upon.

Thin
We are not
Chubby
We are
Self conscious
Mostly
Confident
Rarely
Is there anyone to love us big girls?

Is there anyone to look beneath our surface into the heart
Instead of just going by looks?
We are overlooked
Thought stupid
Made fun of
Because of our size
Is there anyone to love us big girls?
Even when we can't love ourselves?

tears...
fears...
lies...
goodbyes...
no kiss...
no bliss...
lonely nights...
long fights...
love is done...
and my heart feels barren...
a dark veil comes over me...
where i can't see...
what will i do,
without you?

A ******* the corner
In the red rain coat
Is blowing a gum bubble
With the finest bubblegum in town.

As it expands, she sees lovers meet,
Children being born,
Friends meeting for coffee across the street,
All in the blink of an eye.

The bubblegum stretches miles in seconds
Dreams expand to the beat of her heart
Rings, homes, kisses, fantasies,
Flavorful and impassioned.

Too far, too fast
The bubble pops far too soon
Fights, blights, illness, death
Returning back to the sanctity from which it had arisen.

All that's left of the bubble are memories
Of those it affected
Deflating slowly but surely
Into the eternal abyss.

Why is it
That the smartest
The kindest
The shyest
The quietest
Always get picked on?
It makes no sense to me.
But that's what's happening!

It happens everywhere
Every city,
Every state,
Every country in the world,
To all people,
To both genders,
It's degrading.

Who are we to judge?
We're all mortal here.
We all have sinned
We are all flawed
It's merely a fact of life!

Remember this:
No one is below you,
*If you consider someone else below you.

I saw you there
In the coffee shop

For some reason
Even across the room
I felt your chocolate eyes calling me

You "accidently" bumped into me
Closing the distance
Between you and I
Knocking me off balance
You helped me steady myself once again
Clutching my hand
If only for a second

That small flirtation
Meant everything to me
I wasn't exactly having the best day
And an nice, sweet guy always makes my day.

My heart opened and never closed
From there out.
It just grew
And unlocked its compartments
For you.

You are a country boy
I am a city gal
You like country music
I adore rock n' roll
You are hot headed
I am patient
You are chill
I am emotional
You are creative
I am just smart
You are athletic
I am not

You'd never think we'd get along so well
But you complement me
Every bit of you keeps me coming back for more
That's undeniable
I can't be bored when I'm around you
You are the air in my fire
I heat you up, you keep me going
Yes, I like this very much.
Maybe I'll keep you around ;)

On the corners of my notebook
I draw and dream
Dream of endless ivy tendrils
Swirls that go on forever
Eyes whose owner is lost
Mysterious
My world can be expressed in one
Inch by inch corner
Of heaven.

Upon the greens of yonder days
Metal clashed
Crimson poured out
These were the wars of yesterday

Bullet to chest
Body falls to empty desert
Crimson pours out
These are the wars of today

And the Crimson Viper lives on...

The way you have made me feel was nothing short of spectacular,
Miraculous,
Beautiful,
Just from your gaze.
One kiss from you had me mad for more.
One conversation and I was hooked on you.

Although the time we have spent together so far
Has changed us quite a lot,
I still find myself thanking the universe every time we get to talk on the phone,
No matter how ordinary the topics were or how short the call was.
I am still hooked on the memories, daydreams, and wishes to be with you.

But Lord Almighty,
Or whoever else shall rule the deep blue sky of night,
Tell me this isn't some cruel cosmic joke.
Promise me this is true and I've found my other half,
Because if this is all just a phase to end on a dime,
I surely won't know what to do
With the overwhelming emotions that shall surround me,
Engulfing me entirely.

I hope not.

Dear Beautiful Boy,
I don't deserve you,
but I have you.

Beautiful boy,
What do you still see in me,
Through everything?

You say that I'm worth it,
Love I'm not perfect.
I don't see
What you see in me.

All I've done is hurt you
Scar you till you bleed
Yet still you have
Stayed with me,
Stayed with me

You, my Beautiful Boy
Are so high above me
You're the atmosphere I cannot see
All the way from Earth.

You don't see how spectacular you are
All the way from up there
When it's plain to see
Sitting in this tree

What do you see in me
From up there in the stars?
Am I a spec of dust
Beneath your boots
A diamond sparkling in the sun?

Tell me, Boy Beauty,
Why me?
What beauty do you still see in someone like me?
When I see none at all lately...

Dear Mr. Tomorrow,
Keep in mind that I will never forget
Mr. Yesterday.
And Mr. Today, if he so exists.
But I will cherish you as long
As we both shall live
And after as well.
Sincerely,
Your Future Love, Elizabeth

Life puts a dent in the armor
It makes someone sour,
Spiteful and rude

The delicate line of life becomes crooked
Swindlers happen
***** drowns hundreds

They are faithless
They speak of pain
Revenge and all that hogwash

They try to call themselves rebels
I think they're just weak
Because they can't handle life
Like the rest of us

Last words to remember:
Be smart.
Be kind.
Be fierce.

Heart racing
Mind pacing
Legs shaking
What is this?

I have heard of this disease
A most deadly one indeed
It is called love.

Silence
Golden silence
Sweet as a siren's song
From the oceans of the sky

Rich red velvet
The antique vanilla of wood
Wafting through every corner
With the cool, mellow breeze
Limestone pillars calling to my aching soul
Bars echo the hollow voice of the *****
More massive than Cerberus itself

High gold sheens
With the sparkle of prayer
To an all-knowing God
Mosaics of thought weave themselves into
Stained masterpieces

Here my soul can cry out
Not afraid of passers' by!
Though the peace coaxes me
Into mighty reverence

A breathe,
A sigh,
Ease.

Deem
No one
Abysmal

A notebook I've found
On my adventures as a journalist
Drew out my heart on the string
Of a tug-along toy.

This notebook was not one of the written word,
But of fantasy and fable,
Drawings of a forgotten child.

The boy--or girl, I could't really tell
Loved to think of Sunday meadows,
The stars of a winter's midnight
Pictures of bright spring daffodils lacing
The charm of a blank page.

As the notebook went along,
the child got older and in the sweet meadows,
children started to appear,
one by one.
In the must of the dusty room in this ancient house,
I imagined children dancing upon
The sunlight of eternity.

In the back of the house
Lay a cemetery
Stone mantelpieces subtly naming
The children in the pictures.

And at the end of the row,
An unmarked grave.
Tears filling my eyes as I flipped to the last used page of the notebook,
There was written:
"Crimson paint, the alley red, all is done and lost."


This is the tale
And the cost
Of the Doodles of a Forgotten Child.

I am not sure what to write about.
Too many topics,
Stories to be told.
Where do I start?
More importantly,
When do I yield to a gentle stop,
to look back at my progress?

Why do I dream?
When nothing I dream ever happens?

We never met

I cannot fly

I am not there

And never will be

All these days I dream
Without known consciousness

And pray they come true
Do you not  hear my prayers, my Lord?

But they never do
And I always leave myself disappointed
Wishing for what Destiny **won't give me...

Small, red transporters to another world
One doesn't even work
But they work well enough
Earbuds in, world out
Forget it all for a while
A little piece of rhythmic heaven
Claimed to calm a restless soul

Echoes ring through my head
Making it ache
Ghosts and ghouls and poltergeists
Appear from nowhere

It's all in my head
It's all in my mind
That's why I can't bear sleep tonight

Echoes play over like movies
Sight, touch, taste, sounds, smells, emotions
On replay
You wonder why my head aches

It won't go away
The ache
Someone take the knife out of my bleeding love
Please
I'm done
But the echoes play on and on

Save me

Embers of wars yet to come,
Burn on yonder's path
Unknowingly paving the way
For someone unraveling,
Nearly undone.

Embers of wars yet to come
Burn beside a gentle stream
Whom knoweth none,
But still stand shielded,
Ready.

Embers,
Grass,
Water,
Flame.

A battle just the same

Peace
War

Nevermore
Let us forever abstain!

There is a delicate pastel pink rose
Beneath layers and layers of steel vaults
Inside of me
That rose is worth more to the right person
Than all the earth's jewels
Harm of the rose is deadly to my mind
And sanity
While caressing is highly encouraged
Most don't see the rose,
but a few have the power,
and they should use it wisely.

From close up
I am deceived of what I feel
Doubting myself
Asking, "do I really love this guy?"
But far away
I say I love you,
Or I simply say your name
And a grin spreads from ear to ear

Close up, I love the feeling of your arms around me,
The hearing of your voice and feeling the rolling vibrations come off your throat, your scent so comforting
Far away, I long for them, to feel your arms, to hear and feel you speak, to be with you

Your words of love make my heart float above the surface and far into the clouds
But I sink back down to the seafloor with self-deprecation
And anchor myself with insecurities, past horrors, regret and fear
Am I holding myself back?
Is it that I do not love myself?

Am I fooling myself completely?
I'm not certain if what I feel is real
I don't want to play with your heart
Tis a delicate matter
I don't want to lie to you if I'm not certain
Or maybe my mind hasn't registered the message from my heart
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I need to step back from this tree of belief
And reexamine from afar
Maybe give it more time

I apologize for the confusion
Back to the regularly scheduled programming

Blue
Innocence concentrated
Green
Foliage of the hills of forever
Golden
Precious, beautiful
Brown
Divine and thick chocolate
Hazel
All in one

I dare you, next time you go anywhere,
stare into someone's eyes
See what is behind their exterior
Whether it's love, fear, hatred, anxiety
You never know what you might find.

Will anyone one see these eyes?
Care about these eyes?
Gaze into these eyes?*

I sit,
Wondering and waiting.

When it's dark outside
And winter is upon us with full force,
I keep faith,
Faith that spring shall brighten our days once again.
Some days my faith quivers
Like a delicate leaf in a brisk wind
But I stand strong.
So no matter what,
Always keep 2 things with you,
Hope that something good will happen
And faith that you'll make the right choice either way the pendulum swings.

Long ago
How I loved you so
You tore me apart
When you let me go

I was broken
My heart
Oh, it was so broken

Eventually it healed
Although it took
A month
My scar twined together

Now I feel myself
Falling out of this galaxy
Out of common sense and into you

I can't help being endeared to you
Knowing your dreams of flight
Seeing you red nerd glasses
Adorable
Longish black hair
Amazing
Smart
Awesome
Creator of all that is holy, help me.

I need to stop
Because you are no good
You have moved on
I must as well

Lord, grant me the power to resist the strongest of emotions
Because I cannot
I will not
Give in.

So many fallen stars
In the sky of family
So many faces
I never got to meet
Their hydrogen burned out
Before I was born

Yet I know that they are not gone
Nor fallen
Quite the opposite
They have risen beyond
Beyond nebulas & galaxies
Into Paradise
Where pain has been elimnated And
love lives forever in the sights of the Lord

I find myself again
F
  a
    l
      l
        i
         n
           g

Towards pain
Towards pleasure
Towards desire
Towards love
Where talking to one person can make me so happy
Where not can make me so frustrated and sad
And I wish not to stop
My d
         o
           w
             n
               f
                 a
                    l
                      l
Despite the possible consequences
I will not live with regrets

You are my fantasy
Identity unknown
Eyes of the sea
Mane of black
I will find you
Someday
Until then I shall be content with dreaming

I know this is probably for nothing
But let fears be known to all
I'm afraid I love too deep,
Am clingy,
Am annoying,
That you'll come to hate me.
I'm afraid that you are lying to me
About your identity and values.
I'm scared that we shalt never meet
And all will be in vain.
I fear that I have shared too much,
Or not enough?
I'm afraid that I've asked the wrong questions
That, in the end, you'll get bored
I am uncertain, so uncertain
I hope I'm not right, that these things aren't true
I really hope so

Anticipation
I felt it as we stared into each other's eyes.
You weren't done with me.
I loved it.
Around we went, on a stair we sat side by side
Heart racing I looked at you
Magnetism
Lips collided
Short
Sweet
Bliss
You took my breath away
Mind fuzzy
I was a goner
Fast forward a month
To a stolen moment in time
Flustered indeed I paced around anxiously
Enjoying every second of it
I wished I could embrace you
But this was better than nothing
You've been on my mind too often
This has never happened to me.
How come this blonde haired, colored eye boy could make me this weak, and yet this strong?
Worried, but excited?
And just happy?
Why this one?

For whatever reason, God, I like this one. Can I keep him?
Thanks for the consideration.

So beautiful
So deadly
So graceful
So violent
Like a dark widow spider
But this same terror
Provides us heat to warm ourselves
Light to see
The world around thee
To explore the unexplored
To be who we are
We would be none of it without a flame
A soul
Fire

I'm playing with fire
The blaze is rising
And I don't know to stand,
Fly,
Or run.
Where do I go from here?

To have everything known
No secrets left
That's true freedom

To have no restraints
No bars blocking me from doing what I want to do
That's true freedom

To have a heart be known
No love to hide or secret admirers
That's true freedom

Yes, I've gambled with the heart
I've betted, cheated, lost and won
More than I can count
Yes, I've gambled with the heart

Dangerous business
Gamblin' with somethin'
so delicate
but my wins out-weigh
my losses
And I say "Hey, that's good enough."

And I know I've hurt some people
And I know I've hurt some hearts
Almost like gamblin' with a loaded gun
But that's just all the rage these days
Gamblin' with the heart

Dangerous business
Gamblin' with somethin'
so delicate
but my wins out-weigh
my losses
And I say "Hey, that's good enough."

And i got to say
to all my victims
I regret to say
I'm gettin' better at gamblin'
Everyday with hearts

And you really hope
They just don't go
And break

Oh, oh geometry
How I dislike thee
You cause bad days
And haunt me with awful grades
Who invented it, I say?!

My heart is one of glass,
Delicate to keep,
Smooth to the touch,
And sharp when broken.
If you break it,
Don't come back.
We don't give refunds.

We've had our fun
But the conversations are done
Time for the parting of ways

I betrayed you
And made you hate me
I know, I see

Our last messages
Bitter indeed
I knew we wouldn't last long
We had lost our momentum
And I had lost your trust

So I understand it is time to say goodbye
To have a nice life
So I'll say it, but I won't mean it
And to be honest
I haven't cared in a while about you
I did at one time
But not now...

Our relationship just became too stale
For me
Or you
There's the truth...

I thought you were the exception
To my curse of sour apples

It didn't take me long
To notice a difference
The lack of affection
The absences

The sacred crimson
Of which we were bound
Meant nothing to you

You loathing brute!
You thief!

You came in like a phantom
And out like a March wind

Did you ever think about me?
About my love for you?
All these things I think of
As I think back on you...

Salty, bitter tears
To end sweetness
With another hateful word
All because of you...