My father.
Old sailor.
Old farmer.
Old carpenter.
Old interpreter.
Old archive of facts
And history. He knows
Our ancestory by heart down
To the 1600s. Born 1946, 68 years
Old today. Bought me my first pen,
My first book, taught me English
From the age of five. Told me I
Had the gift of language and
Expression. And that I was
A stronger boy than any
Anyone had ever seen
By the time I began  
To learn English.
I owe him credit
For every word
I have written.
Weak now
With age and
Bad lungs, I still
See him as a giant
Handling a chainsaw,
Smelling of forestry and
Gasoline and winter, smiling
At me with eyes deep blue from
Seeing more ocean and sky than I
Ever will know with my own.
His name to me is pappa.
After a few pints of his homemade
Wine, I sometimes let him beat me at Armwrestling. Then we laugh like
Old friends, remembering how
The roles were different back
Then. I am glad I stopped by
For a cuppa on this day. He
Would never ask me to.
Happy Birthday, pappa.

I'd cut a decade from my lifetime
To add a single year
To yours.

I miss awaking
With you by my side
Faking
Not wanting to let you inside
With your body pressed against mine
Begging
For me to say fine
And me finally letting
Myself give into your delicious temptation
Good morning ***
Before goodbye at the train station
Forgetting what wrecks
We had created
Losing our minds
We were sedated
Ignoring the signs
Destined for failure
My teenage romance
You were too much my senior
To be happy with a careless dance
And the lights went out
You were gone
And with that came pouring doubt
At dawn
Simple love may not exist
To act unconsciously
Is  not permissed
And certainly love is no democracy
I miss awaking
with you by my side

Here we go again
Back and forth about the flaws I need to mend
Just because I tend to enjoy the thought of my end
And that I'm always dressed in black when I'm out with my friends
You sit there and wonder what could've happened
to that boy oh so happy
Now a lover of anarchy and a hater of society
How grandmother do you see such beauty in conformity?
Have you taken into consideration this reality?
The idea of order and balance is rapidly
Turning into a travesty
Because of mankind's brutality
and false sense of morality
There's vanity and inhumanity
Against ones own sexuality
And people have the audacity
to critically antagonize those for their God given nationality
While this wonderful country
Goes further intro bankruptcy
So continue to live your keen little fantasy
That we are all living happily and equally
Your views have such opacity
That I can see right through your irrationality
And your thinning mentality
So please continue to criticize me
Please provide some amnesty
Don't listen to me I'm just crazy
Remember? You can't trust me because everything I say is blasphemy
So excuse my insanity
And allow me to gulp down these pills so carefully
Not to take more than I should be
And I'll just vegetate amongst people like a cavity
An outcast to your perfect **society

I wish to know nothing
So that I don't feel something that is aching
It's a surprise, an unexpected one
And while hearing that voices like doom, I wish I could run.

The joke is on me, I know
Because I let this tiny thing in my heart to grow
I give meanings with those little acts
Not thinking that one day, it will fade away.

I do my very best to hide
I smile, I act like there is nothing wrong
In short, I'm trying to be strong
But in everything I do, all I feel is a shade from you.

Those text messages, chats and undetermined sweetness
Those unusual looks when the sparks fly between our eyes
Those time when you are sitting next to me
I realize that all I think before is fantasy.

It's a bit painful to stay away
Ghost from you keep on waving and saying Hey
This story is only about to start
But suddenly it was finish already.

My legs cut through the air like a scythe as this pendulum swings
Lyrics decapitate your pride like a king in a guillotine
Emotions will fly left and to the right while remaining unseen
Some are delightful but others are as black as my jeans
I can never really tell if my mind is getting better
When all the time I can't even decide if I'm sweating or I need a sweater
So burn all these letters and leave the past behind
But even that can't fix my troubled little mind
Still having those delusions
Not making any friends
With demons and illusions
That want my life to end
Torn between reality
And who I should be and who I want to be
I'm just done with society
And all of it's conformity
Done with all the tools and fakes and it just takes everything out of me to not treat them so badly and start some ****** anarchy  
So allow me to just swing life away on this beautiful day to the beat of my own drums and rhythm in my ears with the lyrics from my past that just bring me right to tears
And allow me to close my eyes and swing to and fro
No longer in control of which direction I will go
Will I jump to the sky and wave my past goodbye
Or will I fall to the ground just because I enjoy the sound
Addicted to the misery that I once I had
Listening to every ******* lyric that makes me mad
So allow me to grit my teeth and sway all about
Trying my best with people around not to scream and shout
Because when my music talks to the voices, who knows what darkness will come out
So I get off and leave because I can no longer breath
With those words crawling up my spine and right down my sleeves
Seeing becomes believing as I start heading home
My old friends never like for me to travel alone....

Your skin pale from
Winter. Smooth as
Female Nature Herself; as silk,
Yet warm as young
Motherhood, electric
As newlywed love.

I whisper improvised poetics
Between lips that know each
Pore of your perfect person.
I kiss clichés on your cheekbone,
Nouns on your nose.
Bury my face in your sweet
Eternities of seraphim scented hair,
And pray that the poem
I leave on your parchment skin
Remains unread by
Other readers.
You wrap your covers around
Me, unfolding, then folding,
               Unfolding, then folding,
Like a slowing butterfly mid-
Butterflight.

And I add a poem to everything,
As always.
A poem the exact size of a
Lady loved, -the sound of
Waves of Wish upon Thank,
And the weight of
The world's only
Actual
Church.

My ears ring
As these monsters sing
A lovely song to be sung
A story of ******,rage, and riot
They'll never stop
They can't be silenced
Pinch me I'm dreaming
Cut me I'm screaming
My blade is glistening
And my soul is bleeding
I close my eyes and take a leap of faith
Into the boules of hell I will bathe
It's the pain I crave
All hope for me left behind
A permanent slave
To my own mind
I'm losing control
I'm breaking out of this box
Snap the chains and shatter the locks
And I am blind
To this freedom I've never felt
This home I've never known
Set fire to the cards I've been dealt
And together we roam
It's time to tell my own story
This is my time for guts and glory
As I sit on my rightful thrown
And come to terms with the demons that never leave me alone

Here's a lovely story for the boys back home
About a crying little boy in a room all alone
He's sitting and he's screaming just to breath
While the love of us life decided to pack her bags and leave
So now here he stands banging his poor little head
Because his loving parents didn't want him dead
So they hid all the pills and they locked him away
Where he'd never see his friends or the light of day
While now his love and his muse is off with another man
He sits and conjures up a nice little plan
He sits and he lies with a smile on his face
So he may soon reclaim his love and his rightful place
"The voices are gone!" He began to explain
"I feel so much better now. I swear that I'm sane!"
So instead of a month he left within the week
Because of that silver tongue of his so sharp and so sleek
He packed his bags and was on his way
And he left VCU the very next Sunday
Well he got home and realized no one had called
"What of my love? had she missed me at all?"
"Sorry honey but you were truly a monster."
The first text he received; He knew he surely had lost her
"Baby please I assure you. I'm better now see. My scars, they are faded. They no longer bleed."
"I can't have you bring me down. I cannot support you."
"How could you abandon me? You know that I loved you!"
"I'm sorry but it's over. I love someone else. Someone who's confident. Someone who loves himself."
"I never mistreated you. I gave you my heart. Now swallow all the pieces and choke on these shards! I fought the war and you weren't by my side. Drank too much that one night and that night I died. Woke up the next day soulless and cold. Sick of the feeling of expressing as I'm told. I can't hold it in. This darkness I posses. This darkness that doesn't ever let me rest.
The things that I see.
The wounds that I bleed.
The voices I hear
Oh how they deceive
They pushed me everyday as you sat idly by
Now that I look at it maybe it is time to say goodbye.
You've done me a favor and for that I must thank you.
I'm finally free and now I must bid you adieu."
He may have turned off his phone but this was not the end of this tale
For sometimes evil truly does prevail
Very manipulative and cunning at best
This harlot was going to put his heart to the test
The man of her dreams didn't show interest
No he didn't give her jack
So in fear of being alone she took that poor sucker back
"Oh baby I don't care about your illness. I love you all the same. I could never love another man. I know you're not to blame. You gave me everything I wanted. From *** to back massages and even your lovely art collages. You brought me breakfast every morning and rubbed my aching feet. You'd write me lovely letters oh baby your love can't be beat. I need you oh so badly. Please don't let me be alone. I miss your soothing voice when we talked all night on the telephone."
"Oh honey how I missed you. I love you oh so much. From the way that you smile to the way that we touched. I need you back in my arms    please don't leave me again. I don't think I could handle seeing you with another boyfriend. I can only blame myself for how I mistreated me. I know it only hurt you but baby can't you see? I'm finally better and I'm as happy as can be! I don't have those voices telling me what to say or do. I really think that we can put the past aside and really start a new."
"I want that more than anything I really really do. If you ever decide to leave me in the end just know that I will always love you."
Well it wasn't too long that he saw the error in her ways and with some help from his friends he decided not to stay.
"Baby please we had a future together. We're practically the same person. Two birds of a feather."
"You sound like a broken tape recorder. You've put me in the hospital more times than the person responsible for my post traumatic stress disorder. I'm sorry but I can't stay. What kind of person claims to be my friend and throws me away. You abandoned me in my time of need. And now watch from a distance as these open wounds in my heart begin to bleed."
"I feel so awful. What have I done? Should I end it now with these pills or this gun?"
"Don't even think about it just live your life. Own up to your mistakes and throw away that knife. Be the better person and don't do it again. I won't be your lover but I'll try to be your friend."
"Oh thank you I lov- oh sorry I forgot.
Being without you is going to be harder than I thought..."
"I'm sorry but it's the way it's gotta be. You're gonna have to grow old with someone besides me."
So now as this story is coming to an end
It appears that out of fear he had to be her friend
He couldn't deal with her blood on his hands
So now till the bitter end this is where he stands

Death a cruel mistress
Really such a tease
My life is such a mess
I'm shaking at the knees
Will you let me rest?
Let me rest in piece?
We've met once before after my distress
And my soul you did not release
Did you consider it an act of jest
When I got my heart to cease
Its beating in my chest
Is that why you did not feast?
I don't understand but I digress
Out of all the lost souls, you desired mine the least
To Death I'm a reject. A reject at best.
Even in death I can't seem to please

I can be a sadist
I can be a ****
I enjoy a bit of pain
I'm often filled with lust

I want to be the Top
and to be topped too
I'd love to tie you up
or to be tied by you

Push the right button
and I'll be your subby
or grant to me control
I may lock you in the cubby

Stick me full of needles
or I'll put some in you
zap me with electricity
I may pass the current through

Whip me, flog me, spank me
I too can you impact
I'm happy to do whatever
and that's a ***** fact

I can be anything for anyone
pretty much more or less
it all depends on circumstance
and on what you confess

So let's stop prevaricating
and get on with the fun
let me know where and when
and which way round you run

Cynthia Pauline Jones 25/10/13