There is a world all of my own
I make the rules
It is my home
There is a world
Where nothing has changed
Only myself
There is no cage
I am never alone
Or feel that I have no one
There is comfort that remains constant
I am sure and true
Just and swift
This is the world where I am a gift

But here in this world
I feel like a burden
Nobody to go to
They always draw the curtain
I am a child without a mother
In this world
I am always unfurled
Undone
Unmissed

Out there where the other world is
It misses my name
That's where life is

So I stare in the distance
Of this windowless room
Nothing to distract me
From this world of gloom
How can one live?
Must I seek escape?
Negativity kills me
Hope is a little candle
That I must use

Pray that I arrive
Safe and whole
As I journey on
Toward that place
I am alone now
But not very long
There is a way
To belong

Sometimes I think I can live on my own
I'll surely miss your presence
Even though I journey home

Wait
You don't have to make up your mind right away
I never stressed you out
So wait
The building is blocking the sky
It's driving me to climb the highest heights
I don't have to give you an answer
There's no rush at all to answer
I'm digging a pit
It's a slow process
I said wait
Don't speed up your grave
Keep yourself from anything final
Avoid any brashness, youth is a trial
Some think it denial
It's only the finals
Life goes on
Until death becomes a wall
I climb it with a grappling hook
Dying is not easy, like living
It's not final, like living
You need to get to heaven based on a struggle
It's not purgatory
It's called breathing in a vacuum
Pray for your vices to become devices
Pray for your chances to become a royal flush
Pray for your family, hope they meet you, on the other side is a life of virtue
Hope you know that I am gone
Don't be afraid of being alone
Don't you know when I'm gone
I'll be returning everything I borrowed?
In merits and favors
I have a list made up for dreams
These things are made for beams of light to pass through us
To cast a light and shower blessings upon those we love
These are words used in hoping you're born alright
I'm praying for you to arrive alright
From your previous life

The calendar that changes paintings every month
The friendships that pass on to the next life
The house that once stood for home
The filled notebooks, once empty
The prayer that passes through the crack of sadness
Proof that life is not emptiness
Phrases and proverbs that unwrap their meaning
As life happens before my very eyes
My mind is born like a child
Suddenly time is quick
She is opening her eyes
Oh, beautiful infant
So kind so wild
I pray that you will be kind to life
I know you will be treated fairly
Your reality is truly one of your own making
And if you ever find that you have been dealt cards that cut
Do not throw the deck away
Life is but a limited stack
Play with charm
And never cheat
For death is the lover of life
And will gladly take away what you have at stake
Fear nothing of what I say
Truth and pain wake up the senses
Losing one's way is never easy
Just pinch yourself
Bad dreams go away
Eventually

You have the quivering lip of being irresistible
You make me feel down
Make me feel like I have every reason to be sad
And I keep looking for you
Even when everyone says you're bad for me
You are a sad song which feels nice to listen to
Over and over
Until my emotions give in

Broken glasses on our dinner tables
Time is different with a stranger
A meal over an hour longer
Checking in the realms of possibilities
Hopping towards the future with a hackysack
Even children savour the race
Looking at your worn out face
Reaching for a trace
Time trickles forward, taking space
Until I can no longer feel the distance from you

When we saw
That singlehood
Of being a couple

This is not the era in which people feel deeply
I am prone to calling myself an old soul
Relics can be found when you dig deep within my ribs and when you see through the eyes that stare
You can see the universe yearning to understand you
This is not the era I am meant to be alive in
I am born to be in the time of poets and battle worn soldiers
Where they experience pain and suffering and try to understand it
There is so much more than experiencing life as a party or a celebration or an adventure. Where are the battles to be fought? Win something with the depth of the Grand Canyon, which I have only witnessed through photos that when I close my eyes, I dream.
Find meaning in the suffering of the little life you have
Save your victories for tomorrow
Battles are no longer existing  in my life
And I am a useless soldier

There will be gnashing and whining
Our flesh will twist from the grip of hand on skin
Red is my eyes
You have not yet noticed
The honored guest is in a velvet lined box
Invited are his brides
his mother, his sister
He can never have daughters
No sins passed from this moment on
The offense is on our hands
The tears shed will be drank like wine
She loves me? She loves me not?
The light left your eyes when you had chosen the latter

My Dear Friend
Purchased for you is this life you now take for granted
You resist birth, wishing to limit your experiences to the navel of your mother.
Accept this request I have of you
Resist leaving what you fought so hard to avoid
This place is harsh and winding
In its shadows lurk unfriendly shades of evil
Cornered, they are taking from you every inch of life you were given
Fight, cower not
If you cannot laugh, smirk.
That upward curve will defeat bit by bit the solid wall that is blocking out the light that longs to illuminate your face
Winning is not the goal of this inward battle
It is to bring the fight outside of ourselves
Into the streets
Into the schools
Into our art
Be a light
Illuminate outwardly
Every child struggles to fight the experience called Life
Don't forget that
It is our duty to face the storm of living
To be the sun that makes the flowers in every child grow
Define your life by choosing life.
Never give up
The journey is happening
Hold your heart out
Let's go

I'm a wreck
My life is a bad outfit worn in high school
The reunion should have a better theme
My insurance didn't cover the damages
When you left my heart in pieces
So I try my best to work as hard as I can
Niceness gets me nowhere but at least I'm rarely aggressive
I'm probably the nicest person
Nobody should notice the wreckage they drive by is actually my life
I'm for repair
Which is why I hide all these dents/scratches with that wax crayon they sell on TV
I call it shabby chic when someone points it out
I'm a wreck

Being Young
Is like a windy day with a cloudy sky
The years seem to never catch my fancy
And the soil doesn't remind of anything
Thinking Young
The remnants of memories are so precious to me
Many years have gone and I still don't want to forget
Many times I want to take it with me
Seeing the Young
They run so fast and free
The weight of their body seems unnatural and unsteady
The soil feels different in my hands
It's *****. (She feels her youth, it's gone away.)
And the pictures make me smile and cry
I never thought they would be the lasting images
Of times I'd only see again today
I am 24 going 25
And I feel no weight from my life
The sleep is uninterrupted by harshness
It is something I do not wish upon myself
I think my father prayed for my happiness
And although I have not lived
I am accustomed to only one way of life
I sometimes cry
About light matters
Yes, death and suicide and separation
These are on my mind
But nothing is worse than a poem
That is somebody else's poem
That is written by a life unprepared for greatness
Unless I desire for fullness of life
Adventure will need to come to me
And I will always bemoan over being the victim
So let me not be a victim
Of my own lazy-***
How about we see what's out there, at last
It may not be a jungle I will cut through
Or I may not discover a rare exotic butterfly
But I know adventure is the game to join
Stay with a friend
Gird your *****
And fall in love
It's not about living the best life
But living when you see your worst side
How can you know yourself
If you've never finished the race
Or gone through a crowded place
Where the music is loud
And your friends are jerks
The drinks are cheap
And your life feels steep
Standing close to someone
And the next morning
Looking at him sleep
Hold your heart
Hold your breath
I will write my life
This lightweight life
It will unravel
It's a game of patience and action
I'd like to know who can win a hand
And cross a violent river
I will choose this life
And this life will chew me out
It will spit me out
And I will hold a hand
Frayed at the end
The hand will be old and wrinkly
The hand can be small and strong
But there will be no hand at all
If I don't do this for you
I will do anything to be with you
Life will not happen to me
Because I will happen to life

There is a small gap between you and me
Some may call it a cavity
It aches
It's fixed with filling
They pile it high
It has a tendency to rot away
And then there is no bridge that connects us
A gap that divides us
You cannot build something over that
Through the crack I see your joy
And everyday I seem to cause some pain
To my refrigerated heart
By looking at the crevice
That divides us

My words, I'll interpret it the way I want
No walls just boundaries
Think twice: is he really that nice?
Choose between the good and the bad
I always choose bad
It's a limitless option
So much to do in the plains of wrong
Preach the beat
Keep me revived
I'm not gonna sweet talk you out of this adventure
Maybe one day you'll see
That I have nothing to give
I'm just a pirate
With no ship
No crew
No body loves me
Nobody cares
It's my life
I'm proud
Too proud
To dare
Saying I love you
Is the worst choice
You'll ever recommend
This is my voice
I'm done hearing love songs
About hating life
And ******* ***
For politicians
Who don't love their wives
I wait for the light to come
I wait for your bedroom door
Oh ohhh ohh ohhhhhh-pen

Are you glad we met before you died?
Are you glad I cry and cry and cry?
All these songs about the dead and gone
All these tears
All spent to none
All I want is a song from the dead
All I want is your voice instead of mine
Are you glad you're gone?
Are you safe and sound?
Or is there gnashing and gnawing in your coffin?
Are you stuck with the knowing?
I don't believe in God
And I might say I do sometimes but I don't believe in Love
And I might say I am in love, sometimes I am
But because this joy is so temporary
and Life is so temporary
It must be real
And that is your hell
That only temporary things are real
I hope you will see
That even your eternity will cease in being
There is solace in knowing that

Hello 3 am it's early and you're not bluffing
I'm seriously awake and you're still passing
All the while I have to say that you have really been carried away
I'm not able to sleep until I have you in the past
I can't sleep until I've had you at last
If it's 3 am now
Then it's not 3 am
It's just time to freak out
Please don't forget me, time
I am not to be taken for granted
I am regarding you with reverence
But 3 am is the ***** hour

Teetotalling on the brink of despair
Trying so hard not to be scared
Always a bit on the terrified side
I always try to swallow what's mine
Poorly drawn figures above my bed post
Are shadows that try to make me their host
Always ashamed of what I have said
The next time is what I dread
I don't know how affecting I am
I  may be air
I may be like them
Sheep pass by
I count your mistakes
All is the same
All is insane
Must a shepherd
Find one lost sheep?
All of this is praying for defeat
All i know is that I need to eat
I need some cake
And Steak
All I want is for life fill me up
I watch too many evil things
I see too many evil schemes
I am very good
You too
You too  
You're too much
All we need is somebody
To hold and to be had by
Everything is not target friendly
Everything is not meant to scare me
I am okay with a bargain
Sometimes

Tell me something I should understand
How am I going to escape the cage
If the cage  is so big and flexible
That I forget that I'm an animal
And mistakenly think?
I need limits
Not choices
The proof is in the choices we make
We always make the wrong one
They are so bad at disguising their gravity
And we feel the weight on our shoulders
So easily burdening our entirety
With soulless, endless chitter chatter
That our brains can't help but smile wide
And hope that nobody sees us crack
We are condemned to a life of uneasiness
My world is a rocky boat
And my mistakes are huge waves crashing unto me
My life vest seems so small and insignificant
I am not sure what outcome will come out of this
Live or die
Both seem quite sad
The ocean is too big

My cat has it all together
She's so successful at what she is
She knows her beauty and knows her grace
All about her, I love and adore
There is so much to say about her
Even if I go on about the same things
I can't get enough of her soft fur and her gentle purr
She's always kind
And even when she's sad she is still here

She asked how much stones I had in my stomach
I thought she said stories
I think I’m so special
For the average 25 year old
I had a lot of stories

And the stones have rubbed each other
To create a fire in my gut
Its spark is extinguished
Day by day
By watery thoughts

I could be engulfed by fire
I've made my choice
To create a river
To **** the burn

She asked how much stories I had in my stomach
I said "I had enough for me to learn"

I begin to realize that the more contact I have with people that don't hold any importance to me the more lonely I am.
When we made out
I felt that you didn't belong to me
nor I to you
The thoughts that come aren't as simple anymore
It isn't just "I'm sad" "I'm depressed"
Now it's "I'm lonely in a home that will never feel like home"
"I'm dying every time I smile at you"
"I'm okay and then I'm not"

I have no way of knowing
If it's now that I'm going to fall
Who knows when the gravity pushed me down
Or did it pull me toward the floor with a shadow shaped like me?
I have no idea how long before it hits me
Or is it me who hits it?
I don't know any of these
I have no way of knowing
If it's going to hurt
Who knows what I've broken
Or how many times I will say sorry
Even if it was accidental
This is all because of someone
This is all because accidents are always blamed on someone
It isn't always my fault
But it always will be a contact of two sorts
The kind that brings people together
The other kind that takes people apart
Please grace me with the kindness
To love
Or be still my heart, still

My heart got entangled
In memories of you
She returns to you always
You are her home

Am I a winding road?
Trying to avert pain
Trying to avert fear
Lunging my mind headlong
In order to get through undetected
I am not something unseen
I am here in between you and what is beyond
You see me as a sphinx or maybe I am a gate
I am temporary to you
I am not what you hope for
You get past me
I get past you
It's even footing
I want to be a destination
There you are
I am here

Hi everyone
I'm so sorry I haven't been around lately
Please accept this considerate apology
As a sign that I am still caring for all of you
I have all these things to do
But I never stop thinking about you
I love my life
I am so very fulfilled
And I still have not forgotten any of you
I wish you the best
I hope you have the time of your lives
Stay golden

Good morning
It's a brand new day
Everybody is out to play
And all the teachers want to say oK
But not everybody wants a piece of Shakespeare
And all the little children are eating their lunches
Mama packed me an apple
It's a bit like wax but it is real
Sometimes I like to go to the Zoo
And when I visit the monkey
It says hello and waves a long arm at the crew
How about a bit of fruit and pie
How about a little sky
It's nice outside
The wind is cool
And everybody is practicing a brand new tool
So how about you go to school
And I will share my apple strudel.

Secretiveness is part of the fascination for another person
I told you I had an open mouth
But I did not divulge my soul of mysteries
It is a beautiful pool in the summertime
A mirage of children trying to get into security of holidays
I am secured in my mind
Thoughts dare to pierce the target
But I miss on purpose
To keep you from seeing my ideas
They are missable, mundane to the society that hears only of hype
Sensationalization make my head turn to the side
It's easy to see that when you love someone you crack the coconut open for him to drink the juices of your refreshment
It's something unknowable to another
It's something quenching the routine that's gone sour
Silence spices meditation
My mind is mine
Until I give it to you

In circles
My brain
Has turtles
Disdain
For negativity
In thought
For all the discomfort
It's tough
Baby motions
Awkward and new
Blossoming flower
Towards forever
Say forever
Say it's not never
Be always insane
Be always the same

you may think I'm nobody
Inside me there is somebody
I think I'm different
So do my eyes

Your love gives me sighs
I look back
I don't know why
But you're long gone
And still I'm thinking
Of you here
Like a friend so dear
Your kiss so near

Eliminate the tears from my radical new perspective on life
Let me see this new world with clear bright eyes
Open my heart, harden it not
My plee begs for mercy
We have not to go through pain
If only we are willing to embrace the good
But know sadness without the excruciating gloom
It may be a rational feeling
Helping you know true from hyperbole
Bless this mind that helps me see me
As I am meant to be
This world is full of beauty
If we only see it as it is
And not look elsewhere for answers
Look around you with bright clear eyes
Become with a mind of sight
Brace your soul for a flood of learning
Breezing through, racing through, finishing one by one
You will be underwhelmed
By how thoughtful the revelations are
Truth need not be an unshakable grip on a cage that knows only boxes

The earth has a round body
It has all the places in the world
All the countries fit inside
All countries contain a Mcdonald's
Heaven is above
We think there is a place for bad people
But Mom and Dad, they say we are good
So nothing to fear
All the countries is in the world
All the people have a chocolate swirl
They like to walk in their own pace
If you trip
It feels like a disgrace
But if your ice cream falls
You get a new one
And then all is good
We are in paradise
How do you know when everybody has had lunch?
It's after twelve, and they are all working on the next meal
It's nice to have a salad
It's nice to drink tall glasses
And when I am awake, I am asleep
And when I am okay, I am correct
So always take your glasses off
And exercise your eyes to see
Everything has it's place on the grass
It's a special place we plant our feet
It's not so bad when you have roots to eat

I am unsure about this latest project
It seems ambition makes me procrastinate
The reality that I must acquire the skills to achieve such goals
Did you know that Life is a project?
Yes, it's a project.
We are creators creating something
Out of nothing
Our life is nothing
Without us, life is nothing
Without our "Forward, **!"
Did you know that we make the world go round?
Did you know even if we all died the world would keep on going?
But it would be rarely dynamic
Only **** or be killed
No stories
There are animals that create beautiful nests, patterns in the sand, glorify themselves
Well I would like to be reincarnated
Into a flower that is nothing
Until the lion notices

I write
I keep my mouth shut tight
I don't say a word
I write
For the heart that cannot speak
For my knees that go weak
For the dance I cannot play out
For the music in my heart
I write
Because I cannot bail myself out of this body
Writing sets me free
Writing let's me be me
When I put my brain to work
When my hands type away acres
When I feel I fill another notebook
I pick up the emotion of this world
I cannot even understand how I write
Then everything is understood
I write so that everything plays out
I don't shout when I'm liberated
I write

The **** thing is that
I can't feel sadness
In all it's glory
Because of my medication
The **** thing is that
That's how my family wants it
The **** thing is that
I want to feel sad
Because that's the only way
I can feel you were alive
Now I try to get you to love me again
From the grave
I know it's crazy
But it's good for me
I know
Because it feels right
Making a dead person happy
It's braces for the soul
So it can have an unnaturally beautiful smile

The day he went away
I didn't know what I would do
So I took all the clams
Examined their insides
Then understood
That this is what the world is about

I think Death cut off your life where it did
Because adulthood, pain, sin
Would have ruined you
And who would be our reference
Since nobody has faith in Jesus anymore
You were pure when you left us
And that will keep me happy
For the rest of my days
I just hope there's still hope for me
To go back to being the girl you once knew
Or somebody better

Once I am ok
You will be okay
And I don't want you to be okay
So I will never become
Okay
Okay?

I like to be funny
For those who are sad
And I like being tasty
To those who are hungry
And I like being *****
For those who are lonely
And I like being sweet
To those who are sour
And I like being dead
To those who want to **** me
And I want to be alive
To those who want to fill me
To those who want to feel me
I like being felt
I like being used in any way
You need me
So I'll let myself feel pain
If you want to hurt me
As long as you know me
I'll know you too

To the moments that push me back when I could have gone full-******
To the times when I refrained from spending the only money I had on something as frivolous as seeing you say hi
Somewhat the best antidote to stupidity is shaking my head no and waving a polite goodbye
So if I seem like I'm thinking about you alot
You may say I'm yes-ing and no-ing to you alone
Because I'm already broke
And you make me feel, like buying more time with you by saying yes
Since yes may mean an Amen to You
Even I know, No is much more exciting
No is harder
No is rougher
No is sexier
No has repercussions
No I am not interested in this superficial interaction because your space smells so much like you and I want to dig my face into your hair
So I'm sorry
No

I mean, Yes please.

Yes, I would like some coffee, please.
Yes, I would like to have a conversation, please.
Yes, I would like to fight my dad so I can borrow money to spend around your space, please.

It's not infinitely cool that wins anyone, though.
It's the finitely present, that gets their attention.

Let me think about how much I haven't said anything really thoughtful to myself
But I have said more thoughtful things to you than the one fixing my bed.
I have seen myself kinder because there are people who have a nurturing way to them that makes us want to be them.
And I know I am spicy and not sweet
But
If I could be that type of person.
I would make sure I had it easier for me to say
Yes
Please.

This is the sacrifice we make
Having to throw ourselves into each others arms
When we know nothing of my insecurities
My fear of non-commitment from you
Your perfect calm nature
I have only doubts in my mind
Making what we have feel lonely
You don't seem to tell me everything
Although I know patience is the key
Only time will tell with these things
I have only one request
Tell me the truth

There is a pain in being shameless
When you forget that there are consequences
And that to not care makes us numb
But what is to be done when carelessness strikes?
Bury your shame and sleep on it
Procrastinate
When will you confess?
Every other sin seems forgivable
Every other vice seems natural
Every virtue stained seems typical
But then there's an IT factor to that one thing
And everybody does it
It keeps you up at night
Wondering
"How could I be so stupid?"

I have a secret that nobody wants
It is the secret to staying alive
Surviving everyday eventually
And becoming totally strong
That you end up going no where
And knowing everything
I'm okay with this life
I'm 25
It is my schedule to be dead inside
The secret is to have such a sad life
That you would not think of even dying
Because if you did
The funeral would not even be inspiring to anybody
So you stay alive
And regardless of your discontentment
You do not change anything
Because you believe in some twisted way
That things are good, and will get better
But still...
You are afraid to become anyone significant
Because you do not want to feel the weight of life
So you neglect it
And choose no progress instead of progress
There is a way out
I know it
It's not such a secret
But it's a hard path to take
My mind is not as malleable as before
So I am going to stop trying and trying
But just do what I need to
And know that there is no getting out of trouble
But there is something for me out there at least
And I think it's good enough

There are ways to know that people are not more than people
You listen
You feel something
You read in between the sighs they make
People cannot save us
People cannot make us good
We are our makers and breakers
I love my mother
She was my maker
But now I am older
There is another one inside me
That I make for himself
This is not going to fulfil me
Once any of these is fulfilled
I just know my ears hear
And I know my eyes see you
More and more
I can truly feel
Every ounce of sadness given to my life
My breath is slow and deep
Steadiness is my being and essence
I am hoping to be beneath the earth
In good time my moment will come
And after all I promised him I would never die prematurely
This is for myself
This is for nobody
But myself

My motivation is longevity
I want to live a long life
I want to stop
But I can't
Even when things are good
Even when it's not great
I will never stop

Never stop learning
Never stop practicing
Never stop creating
Never stop becoming who you are meant to become

These are the days where we can't afford to stop
We can't afford to lose
We don't have the time
We have made the mistakes
We learned from them
And all that is left is to win

This is the day I turn into a woman
Nothing has changed outwardly
I still look the same
Many will say she seems at peace
Most will say she seems at ease
But all will see and say nothing
When I see somebody whole and free
I usually let them be

There is no solace when you are trapped
I am trapped in mistakes
I am stuck in a constant argument with myself
Debating silently, day by day
Whether or not my bad decisions will lead somewhere good
Because with karma there is no gray area
There is no consolation
I am either losing or winning
I am not feeling very sure about these days
But at least it helps me grab at every opportunity
And see the blessings in every situation
But if my faith falters
Due to some insignificant event that I cannot control
Because someone else is in control
Then please tell me
What is justice in a world of remorse?

The desperate cling to words
Uplift their hand off the drug
They angle the situation like a friend not a doctor
Words strung together become magic without the wand
Slip on words gentle like a cotton shirt unto my silky conscience
Poems are a cure for my lonely hands
They intertwine in between my crooks and crevices
And cradle me with warmth; put pressure on my skin
I am being touched by multiple fingers
My hair is being stroked like a child
The temples become buttons which give me messages
I write and the blank pages absorb my prose like a pillow in contact with my tears
Warm and damp, how does some other arm wrap around my head to cover my eyes
Making me guess the identity of the muse
The idea revealed, only through endings
When are you complete oh mysterious column *****
You are like a dig
Messages reveal themselves like reincarnated Cleopatra
Lighted skies
Yellow eyes
Somber face
Silent grin
Over and over I am possessed
And then I forget that it's merely a dance
On acres of text
Fingers are conducting
What's next, what's next, what's next
Singular creatures hope for the rest
Until finally
My silky conscience revealing beneath
Baring it's teeth
A moon-shaped vision covered my listlessness
My acceptance of such expatriate education
Helps me to notice every expression
Hoping for that half, that a love fluent in my language can only be born to understand it
Deciphering reasons to accept the challenge of difficulty
It is known, that anything worth anything is a result of the toil
Your character appears to be rubies
You voice out your words like it's written in blood
Renting out your heart for the owning of mine

It was bright and the sun peeked behind the clouds
So much learning
So much joy
So much hope