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Sep 2018 · 333
Shattered
Brittani Sep 2018
I try to pick myself up
Try to change
Clean slate,
Try to start fresh,
every time.

But every time,
You beat me down
Into a million little tiny pieces
To the point where,
I can’t even find myself to pick up the pieces.
I’m just shattered,
Pieces of me laying all over,
Just hoping the glass shards don’t cut anyone else too deep.
Oct 2017 · 419
Apathy
Brittani Oct 2017
The plants that I tended to all summer long,
They were all so fragrant and beautiful and strong.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot they were there
And when they started to wilt, I just didn't care.
I probably could have saved the plants if I had tried.
But I didn't, and so it is my fault that they didn't survive.

My brother had everything going for him, nothing was wrong.
He was so full of life and beautiful and strong.
I felt that little tug, but I ignored it and walked away.
I was the last one to see him alive that day.
I still feel like I could have saved him if I had tried.
But because I didn't stay, that was the day that he died.

My apathy is what killed them, and I know that this is true.
But I can't stop feeling nothing, I just don't know what to do.
The more things that die, the more things that I ****.
But I don't know how to stop this, so I keep standing still.
Feb 2017 · 571
I Wonder
Brittani Feb 2017
I noticed you were getting upset
Because your face was redder than a tomato
When you told me about that little girl
About what her brother did to her
Across the street
In the backyard shed
He was a teenager
But she was only six years old
You said:
I was really young and I didn't know what to do
I just walked away
I wonder who she is now...
Where she is now...
If she's anywhere at all
I wonder if I had said something...

That's when you started to get really choked up
There was a long pause
So long that I almost didn't think you were going to finish your thought
But you managed to get it out
You said, "I wonder if it would have made a difference"

That made me think about that day again
The worst day
The day he died
I saw him, and I walked right past
I got that tugging feeling but I ignored it
I just walked away
I wonder who he would have been today...
Where he is now...
If he's anywhere at all...
And everyday I wonder
I wonder if I had said something...
If it would have made a difference
Jan 2017 · 1.2k
Head vs. Heart
Brittani Jan 2017
They say "when you know, you know"
And they're absolutely right
There's no grey area or blurred lines
There's only black and white

There's no ifs ands or buts
There's no uncertainty or fear
There's just that feeling in your gut
And you must listen when it appears

I'm not just talking about love
This applies to most things in life-
No matter what your head is thinking,
Your heart is usually right
Jan 2017 · 424
I do
Brittani Jan 2017
I feel trapped in this cycle that never ends,
Forever chasing my tail
Unhappily and blindly treading along,
Trying to see through the veil

It's not that I can't,
It's simply that I won't
And I know that I should,
But the thing is, I don't

But that's no way to live...
You need to be on my side
And I need to be on yours
If we're gonna survive

I love you, I do.
And I know that we'll pull through
I just have to work on me
And you have to work on you
Sep 2016 · 1.1k
High
Brittani Sep 2016
I used to be afraid to inhale
But I've been to hell and back
I still don't think I've sinned enough
But I understand, now, why people smoke their lungs black.

Everyone's got their poison,
And we each have to choose
Based on what has shaped us
Whether it's ***, cigarettes, drugs, or *****.

It's not up to me to judge you
We're all just doing our best to get by
At the end of the day, whatever the vice
We're all just wandering through life high.
Jul 2016 · 1.1k
Rebirth
Brittani Jul 2016
It wasn't your first time around
And I know this has to be true
Because you always seemed like an old soul
While I stumbled around clumsily, brand new

I'm still stuck here for a reason
And although God plucked you from this earth,
I have to believe that it was your season
And that I am bound for rebirth

It seems that you were born into perfection
And though younger, much wiser than I
Your time on earth was shorter
But just as much, though truly much more, worthwhile

I wish, so much, that it had been your first time on earth
And I wish that I had more to offer you
I wish that we could have had more time
But it's clear that you accomplished everything that you came here to do

I hope that heaven is beautiful
And that one of God's angels was there to catch you when you fell
I know that you're having the time of your many lifetimes
Because, even after only 17 years, my soul knows yours too well
Jul 2016 · 1.2k
If He's Up There
Brittani Jul 2016
Your heart is going to love who it loves
And your mind isn't going to be able to tell it not to
I don't know why you're so judgemental
When you yourself are always saying "only God can judge you"

But, you're right about that.

If he's up there, he's the only one that can judge us
If he's up there, he's the only one that's seen it all
If he's up there, he's the only one who knows our hearts
If he's up there, he's the only one who can soften our fall

So shake your hypocritical hips at someone else's party
Because I'm just trying to have a good time
I'm smart and I'm capable and I can think for myself
And the only opinion that matters is mine
Apr 2016 · 859
Faded into Black
Brittani Apr 2016
How could you really be gone?
And how is this fair at all?
Seems like the days just continue dragging on
But I can't seem to understand the fall

I mean, YOU FELL?

How could you have fallen???
How did no one hear you yell?
You didn't die from old age,
You didn't die from being unwell

You died???
Someone tell me, how could you be dead?
My mouth can't say the words out loud
It's hard to think them in my head

You're not here anymore?
You're really not coming back?
I'm shaking as I type the words
But it's true, you've faded into black
Apr 2016 · 935
Nightmares
Brittani Apr 2016
I have nightmares that I can't wake up from
They leave me sobbing, hyperventilating, feeling numb
Sometimes you're in them, other times not
But you're never not there because I forgot
I think, at times, it might be easier if I could forget
If I could pretend that you were someone that I never met
But I can't do that.
So I just try to think about good things
And I try to believe that you're somewhere good
And even though I'm living in this nightmare that I can't wake up from
God, I really wish I could
Brittani Dec 2015
We never turn the light off
It's like we're expecting you to walk in the door any minute
You won't.
But somehow it helps
If we turn it off,
We would have to accept that you're really gone
We can't.
So we don't
Hope is found where the light is
Even though there is no hope,
Even though we've put you to rest,
Even though you aren't coming back,
We're all just looking for something to hold onto
It's false hope
I know.
But it's all we've got
May 2015 · 310
Yours & Mine
Brittani May 2015
She'll never be yours again
And you'll never be mine for real
Are we just kidding ourselves,
Trying anything just to feel?
Dec 2014 · 355
It's all your fault
Brittani Dec 2014
You like to pretend you have the
"perfect stepford family"
But you don't
And it's all your fault
Dec 2014 · 295
Sometimes
Brittani Dec 2014
Sometimes I overhear you talking about your childhood
I've always understood that it wasn't much of one
And mom always tells me there are
Things that I don't know
Things that broke you
Things that made you unfixable
I heard you say that your dad liked to put his hands on you
Well you like to threaten to put your hands on us sometimes
I heard you say that their words were cruel
Well you like to call us names sometimes
I heard you say they treated you like ****
Well you like to treat us like **** sometimes
It's like, you can't even see it
You're so ****** up that you don't see it at all
You are just like them sometimes
And sometimes is always too much
Jul 2014 · 4.7k
Overthinking
Brittani Jul 2014
Maybe I'll wake up happy if I go to bed
Instead of sitting here overthinking everything you've ever said
May 2014 · 1.2k
Eighteen
Brittani May 2014
Eighteen feels like the end of the world
It feels like nothing will ever get better
It feels hopeless, at times, daunting
It feels like nothing is coming together

Eighteen feels more like eighty
My eighteen year old bones hurt
My heart beats feel like heart attacks
And my mind is on high alert

Eighteen feels like a whirlwind
It feels like I'm spinning out of control
Hydroplaning across a four lane highway
Watching, outside my body, as the car rolls
Apr 2014 · 432
Sick
Brittani Apr 2014
My mother asked me what was wrong
I didn't tell her that my bones ached
Or that my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest
I didn't tell her that it hurt to move
Or that it took all of my energy to even open my mouth to reply
I told her that I was sick
She assumed that I was talking about my body
Mar 2014 · 1.3k
I am Not a Failure
Brittani Mar 2014
My shortcomings aren't what sends me over the edge
It's knowing that I am not and never will be good enough
It's the torture and taunting that my own mind creates
It's the fear and worry over this feeling of impending doom
It's the snide glance they give me that creates a "down the lane" ****
It's trying your hardest and it not ever being enough
It's the feeling of failure
But mostly, it's knowing that all these things aren't true and feeling them anyway
Jan 2014 · 594
I'm Sorry
Brittani Jan 2014
There is no reason for me to feel this empty
But that doesn't mean that I don't feel it
It was only a matter of time before it came back
Things were going too well for me, I guess
The hardest part is being such a disappointment
To myself
To my family
And to the people that meet me on my worst days
I just want to tell all of them
Just give me a few days
I'm not always like this
I'm sorry for feeling so much
And I'm sorry for feeling nothing at all
Jan 2014 · 564
Red Rimmed Eyes
Brittani Jan 2014
She could see that he wanted to cry
She noticed the familiar look in his eye
But he willed his eyes not to leak
He busied his hands
And he made noises- as if to speak
In a futile attempt to regain control over his emotions
As if the single tear rolling down his cheek-
The expression of all the worries
And troubling thoughts
That continue to weigh down his heavy heart-
Will make him less of a man in his daughter's eyes
She can roll her eyes all day
She can scream and shout
She can groan and complain forever about
How he's overbearing
How he embarrasses her
And how he just doesn't understand
But every time she sees him
Sitting across from her
With watery, red rimmed eyes and a tight throat
She is reminded
That he and she are made up of the same stuff
That he loves her more than anything in this world
And that he is the sole reason for her existence
Dec 2013 · 431
Life & Death
Brittani Dec 2013
I feel like Life is dragging me through the dark Holding onto me so tight
It's squeezing my arm, I'm starting to bruise
And I can't seem to find the light

If only I had a matchbook
Or if my fingers could find a switch
Maybe then I'd start to feel better
And maybe then i'd find my niche

But Life has me on such a short leash
And I'm moving way too fast
My eyes don't have time to adjust
And I'm thisclose to getting whiplash

Death is waiting patiently for it's turn
And the minute life turns it's head
Death will come and ****** me up
And lay me in it's bed
Dec 2013 · 583
Bones
Brittani Dec 2013
Was stripping me naked not enough?
Did you have to strip me past the clothing?
Did you get off on seeing my bare bones?
Did you enjoy all of my self-loathing?
Dec 2013 · 974
Captured
Brittani Dec 2013
When we were younger
We made our parents
Shut the closet doors
Check under the bed
Tuck us in at night
In an attempt to ward away the monsters
Some of us weren't so lucky
We escaped them in the dark
But they captured us in our dreams

Now that we're older
The monsters are demons
They hide in the dusty corners of our brains
If we're lucky, and they're not bolder than we are, they stay hidden during the day
But at night they roam free
They torture us with
Regrets that we have
Mistakes we have made
And images of those that we miss
Sleep is our only escape
But some of us aren't so lucky
We escaped them in the dark
But they captured us in our dreams
Dec 2013 · 398
Depression
Brittani Dec 2013
You said it.
You finally said it.
Depression.
Was that so hard?
It's just a three syllable word
This time, the word didn't fall off your tongue
Dripping with disdain
And your eyes weren't glassy
And your body wasn't rigid
Your eyes were wild
But it rolled right off your tongue
What did it taste like?
Like freedom?
Because that's what it felt like to me
Dec 2013 · 376
Goodbye, Ash
Brittani Dec 2013
I'm not going to write you poems
Of longing and desires
Not of goodbyes
Not of "just for nows"
Because in doing so
I will end up breaking my own heart
Your is already broken
Mine is on it's way
I don't need to help it get there
Nov 2013 · 364
Empty
Brittani Nov 2013
I want to unzip my skin and step out of it
At least then, I could look in the mirror and see
That I'm not as empty on the inside as I feel
Nov 2013 · 1.2k
Trouble
Brittani Nov 2013
Oh boy, I'm in trouble
And now you've left a mark
I'm sitting here, at 2AM
Fighting myself in the dark

I shouldn't have let it get that far
I should have turned to go
I was quickly losing all control
But couldn't tell you no

I went in strong willed
Thinking that you couldn't break me down
But it was harder to break away
When there was no one else around

Despite all my talk
If we're going to state the truth
I'm virginal, I'm easy
But you knew that, didn't you?
Nov 2013 · 438
Here to Stay
Brittani Nov 2013
You know,
I really like you.

Not for fake,
Not for show,
Not for any real reason,
I just do.

That's really rare for me
It's not often that I find someone
Someone that just doesn't get old
Someone that gives me butterflies

You've worked your way in
Into my thoughts
Into my heart
Into my life

I'm only a little bit scared
But I won't push you away
I like you way too much
So I guess I'm here to stay
Nov 2013 · 1.2k
Siren
Brittani Nov 2013
Sun who provides for my world
Or the inhabitants who use and abuse
Don't claim to be the sun
If I can't tell you apart from the blues
In the sky and in the sea
In the very air that I breathe
The pollution in my world
Will surely suffocate me
If I'm watching you drown,
Engulfed by your own emotions
How can I expect you to warm my oceans?
They're frigid, they're deep
I'll surely drown
I could handle them on my own
But it's harder with you around
You're like an anchor, or a siren
Seductive and sweet
Until she pulls you under
Down into the deep
Nov 2013 · 616
Ashton
Brittani Nov 2013
Nothing about my answer is final
Because I, too, like you more than I should
But I can't answer to your beck and call
I wouldn't if I could
Nov 2013 · 443
Devil pt. 2
Brittani Nov 2013
The devil didn't slay me
He decided to choose you
Now what you say can't sway me
With words I can't be moved
Nov 2013 · 1.1k
Proper Nouns
Brittani Nov 2013
Please don't idolize me
I'm only going to let you down
I can't live up to your idea of me
I promise, I'm really not that profound
I can't be what you want me to be
Because I'm not even sure what that is
I can't even be what I want me to be
When I feel like I'm constantly being quizzed
I'm just a proper noun
I'm just Brittani, that's all
But living up to the image you've created
That order just seems too tall
Oct 2013 · 954
Hornless Devil
Brittani Oct 2013
The devil doesn't come with horns
He will be everything you've ever wanted
He'll sweep you off your feet
And then he'll make you feel unwanted
He'll dump the dirt where he pleases
He'll wipe his hands clean
He won't give it another thought
And you thought you were his queen
It will be very indirect
It won't be your fault or mine
It won't happen here and now
It might happen way down the line
Then again, it may not happen at all
I'm just terrified that it will
But if he decides to come around
Which one of us will he ****?
Oct 2013 · 541
For Ashton
Brittani Oct 2013
The sun will rise tomorrow
As long as you do too
Don't wish away the moon
For it's what balances you
Everything passes with time
Everything always turns out okay
So if things aren't going well
Try again another day
Sep 2013 · 304
Reasons
Brittani Sep 2013
Tell me that you love me
Then show me that you do
Give me one good reason
Not to fall in love with you
Sep 2013 · 671
Big Dumb Crush
Brittani Sep 2013
My feelings consume yours
You've got me under a spell
Constantly unsure of where we stand
This is my own personal hell

If I push too hard I'll lose you
If I don't try at all I'll lose you
I've never felt so much
Why did I ever decide to choose you?
Sep 2013 · 445
Jo
Brittani Sep 2013
Jo
I'm glad that we defined things
I'm glad we made things clear
Because I don't want to share you
And I love it when you're near
Aug 2013 · 3.8k
Ocean Eyes
Brittani Aug 2013
You have ocean eyes, you know
They're deep, dark, and blue
They're seductive like the sea
But faithful, steady and true

I'm not one to take a dive
Deep, down into the unknown
I don't want to get lost
I might never find my way home

But I'll ease my way into the sea
I'll let the waves lick my soul
I'll breathe in the ocean spray
And watch the ocean make me whole
Aug 2013 · 2.8k
The Beast
Brittani Aug 2013
"You can beat this light beast..."
That's an oxymoron if I ever saw one
This beast isn't light at all
And its work is never done
Aug 2013 · 423
Want
Brittani Aug 2013
I want you to be mine
I couldn't want you more
I want you to want me back
I only want to be yours
Aug 2013 · 422
No New Friends
Brittani Aug 2013
"You need new friends"
You say, as I explain my position
"Forget the old ones?"
I think as I make my transition

I thought you would be one of them
Thought you would understand
After they weren't there for me
I thought you had a plan

You had plans, alright
They just didn't include me
I shouldn't have been so hopeful
Because good friends don't come for free
Aug 2013 · 731
Laissez-faire
Brittani Aug 2013
You're acting like a baby
And i'm accepting it like a laissez-faire parent
But I deserve so much more than this
There are better ways that my time could be spent

I'm pushing you out and away
I've tried too many times
I can't sit here, struggling to patch things up
With you alone drawing the lines

You have nothing left to offer
Nothing that I could ever want
So don't try to come around now, or ever
My mind, you will no longer haunt

I'm done with the walls that you have built
After all that you put me through
And as much as I want us to be okay,
I deserve so much more than you
Aug 2013 · 431
Rise
Brittani Aug 2013
I will rise with the sun every morning
And in the evening I will watch it set
Nothing in this world can touch me
As I lay my head to rest

I go through my days knowing
That the darkness brings a reprieve
That although my day was exhausting
At night I'll be able to sleep
Aug 2013 · 720
Abyss Part Two
Brittani Aug 2013
You'll dive over the edge many times
And have to be your own savior twofold
Each time, you will revive yourself a different way
Sans directions, formulas, or titanium molds

There may be trolls
Regulating your passage over, under, through
The bridge stretched across the abyss

Or dragons to fight
Maybe there's a princess to save
Or some other egregious pursuit to complete
In order to save your own life

Whatever your quest may be-
I hope you find it.
I hope you grab it by the collar and burn it out.
I hope you're able to beat the gruesome beast.
I hope that you can be your own hero,
Under the reality that no one else will.
Aug 2013 · 741
Abyss
Brittani Aug 2013
I notice the changes in you
You are undergoing a dark metamorphosis
I see in you, what I know in myself
Coaxed toward the edge of a deep abyss
You will soon tip-
Without help.
May 2013 · 563
Bare
Brittani May 2013
My soul is sitting on display
Soon to be covered with dust
My heart is waiting patiently
Soon to be covered with rust

It will acquire a patina
From the tears I've cried in your honor
The display will be touched by many
Careless passersby will break off small pieces
Soon I'll be left with nothing
I'll be completely bare.
May 2013 · 420
Butterflies
Brittani May 2013
I may be older, but you are wiser.
For the first time in years
I feel butterflies

Maybe you don't feel the same
Should I be afraid?
Maybe.

Could this lead to bigger things?
And am I willing to wait?
Definitely.
May 2013 · 648
Sting
Brittani May 2013
If this was the solution to everything
Why did it take so long for it to sting?

I poured the alcohol long ago
And rubbed it on my wounds
I tried to tell you I needed help
Upon many, many moons

Did restating my question make more sense?
What is it that finally clicked?
Is my pain finally too much for you?
Has your soul, too, been knicked?
May 2013 · 478
Animal Cries
Brittani May 2013
The animal cries, the primitive sounds
Escaping my tiny throat
Remind me that I am more than a human being:
That I have complex feelings and thoughts
That I am different from the others
And that even though it hurts right now,

There is so much to live for.
May 2013 · 486
Anima/ Animus
Brittani May 2013
If you ever go through bouts of hating yourself,
Then I am famailiar with your soul

Perhaps our anima are distant lovers,
The kind that make each other whole.
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