Do you believe in
                                 magic?
Do you still live a lie?
Is this your idea of a
                                     fairytale?
Do you believe in
                                you
                                        and
                                                 I?

Magic
                    carpets
                                   and
                                            pixies

                 Powerful
                                        lamps
                                                    and
                                                             pixie
                                                                         dust
            You're living a life of
                                                    imagination
And its you I'm supposed to trust?

                                                                                      I see no reason to hope
                                                                                             for a happy ending
                                                                                                   cause all I see is
                                                                           their looks
                                                                                              so
                                                                                                   condescending.

                                                 is it that hard
                                       to really just know the truth
                                             and grow up a little
                                       and stop living in your youth

its hard for me to make you
                                                     choose
but its me or
                        your dreams
would you rather have that
                                                  happy ending
and let this
                                       *fall apart at the seams?

Deep inside me
There is this anger
This hatred
This..  bitterness.

And I feel it towards everyone.
Not just those who hurt me
The ones who betrayed me.

No this bitterness...
Is for all.
Trust no one
Love no one
Believe in nothing

But then...
I saw a change

A change in myself...

I was dying inside
Because deep down
This hatred was of

The person I am.

No one can help me.


No one can save me now

Because I hate who I've become


And I fear I always will

just because my brokenness
isn't on my skin
doesn't mean that nothing's wrong
it doesn't mean I win

I see myself everyday
and wonder who I'll be
reflections, decisions, perceptions
what do people see

you read in books that people change
but really who's to say
I have always been the way I am
there is no other way

your love is like the ocean
as beautiful as the sea
it beckons and it calls
always speaking to me

the tide will draw you in
it takes you to the depths
it makes you lose your footing
just as you make me lose my breath

missing you tears at my heart
it makes me long to be found
I feel alone and helpless
almost as if I'll drown

the calmness is your charm
it comforts and it soothes
the wind is your heart
fickle, rippling the water as it moves

the waters sweet, sweet noise
is like the song you wrote
every
         crashing
                         falling wave
is a single note

ex

     im sure weve all got one

     *ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend

     ex husband, ex wife

ex

     so much pain in just one word

     so much loss and so many tears

     im sure youve wished to end your life



ex

     there are stories and laughs

     that you remember from them

     but theres no going back

ex

     you can use ex for all you once had and lost

     ex happiness, ex joy, ex future

     without them, theres always something youll lack

I have never felt this numb
I have never felt this fake
I didn't know you'd lie
I can see my mistake

I opened up my heart to you
I opened up my fragile soul
I let you see how my mind works
my dreams, ambitions, my goals

i prided myself in the thought
that i was the one who played
i had you at my beck and call
and for some reason... you stayed

back then i wouldve left you
back then i tried not to care
but now i see i need you
i breathe you in like the air

and now its you who plays
it is you who has me addicted
but all that time i thought i was playing
this strange turn of events not predicted

see now i do what i must
to get your desired time
but now i feel the moments i steal
are truly a terrible crime

i need you like the air i breathe
i need you like the sun
rather than me playing you
i think that youre the one.

so love me kiss me hold me miss me
each moment youre away
and when we hold each other close
pinky promise that youll stay.

My voice is raw
My heart in tatters

                     Yet when I'm hurting
                      It never matters
                                                      
  ­                                               I guess i struck out
                                                 No more useless batters

Mother?
More like child

                     She "raised us well"
                     But we're still wild

                                                 We're not normal
                                                 We aren't mild

She blames me
But, nothing I've done

                    I'm just a ***** up
                    I've never won

                                               Lord please once
                                               Let me be the favored one

Who am I trying to fool?
We all know I still love you.
Why can't I just admit I ******* up?
I guess for me that'd be new.
How long will I feel this pain?
I miss who we were together.
What did I do this for?
I swear, I thought we had forever.
When will this sorrow reside?
I think it will continue to haunt me.
Is there anything I can do to fix it?
I doubt it, cause now you're free.
Did you know I loved you?
I guess maybe you couldn't really tell.
Don't you remember what we had?
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to yell.

The sound of rain on my roof
It truly makes me cry
It reminds me of how you held me
whispered in my ear "goodbye"
Rainfall is a constant reminder
Of how much I am in love with you
So please let the sun be your reminder
When it shines, know that I'll always remain true.
And every night as the sun sets
And the moon begins to rise
Let that be your reminder
I promised no more lies.
And if by chance a day goes by
And you haven't that promise I made
Look to the stars at night
I promised to behave.
Look to the trees
I promise to love you
Listen to the birds as they cry
And for my love, the sky blue.
Everything you see
And all that you do
Let it remind you constantly
How much I truly love you.

Unexplainable sadness
And tears that have no cause
I wish life had a fast forward
And wasn't stuck in pause.

Life at its worst
And sorrow at the max
There is nothing left to do
Yet i cannot relax

Why is it that I cry
When i should be full of joy
And why is that i can't trust?
But i long to trust this boy.

honestly for me, in the light of the day
its easy to act as if the pain has gone away
but when I sit by myself in darkness at night
holding that blade, wondering if they're all right
a ****, a *****, a liar, attention seeker, a ***
no one could ever love me, trust me I know
pushing me to my limit, making me cave
tracing scars, making them fresh, digging my grave
imagining the tears I'd shed if I knew how
wishing I had the strength to pretend I do, now
reaching out, but receiving no help anymore
hoping someone will notice my unlocked door
do you see me standing here crying out to you
do you hear my voice, its cracking, I'm through
waiting, begging, dying when I'm alone
why is it I have to do this on my own?
red lines bleeding out, white scars
the darkness isn't so bad, I can almost see the stars

his nails rake down my spine
sending chills to my inner core
his lips rest gently on my neck
making me beg him for more
his ***** words and gentle caresses
make my body shake with delight
his skillful tongue and perfect hands
don't allow me to put up a fight
longing for his body, and for his soul
while his hands cup my breast
"**** me faster baby, please"
I'm begging him with ragged breaths

I hope that when you read this,
you think of me and smile.
Cause every moment spent with you,
was 10x worth my while.

I'm wishing I had,
maybe your hand to hold.
Wishing that you'd reach out
praying you're that bold.

You still blame me for everything,
and yet, still nothing I've done.
You're still too busy losing,
*but the battle's been won.

The day i let my smile falter
The day my tears never seemed to end
The day i felt so **** alone
The day i felt i had no friend
The day i lost my confidence
The day i finally became aware
The day i learned i am no one
The day i learned why no one cares*





                      That was the day I began hating myself.

I swear I did not try to do this
I didn’t mean to rekindle this flame
As the low burning is humming
I softly whisper your name
The bigger the fire grows
more emotion I seem to feel
and the louder the begging becomes
at your feet I kneel.

IT STARTED AS A SIMPLE SPARK
NOTHING TO GREAT OR TO BRIGHT
AND GREW INTO A ROARING FIRE
THAT ILLUMINATED THE WHOLE NIGHT
I DIDN'T KNOW A FIRE COULD CAUSE SO MUCH JOY
OR THAT I WOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY
SO I LONG ONLY FOR THE EVENING DARK
TO TRULY WITNESS THE BRIGHTNESS OF THE DAY

writing is the only escape
from the world around me that torments
writing my only safe haven
from the evil that's ever present

Every night I look up to the stars and pray
That they'll forgive me for the tears I cried that day.
And ask for the pain to be taken away.
If he saw me I wonder what he'd say...

He says he really does love me
That I am the only one he wants to see.
But in our relationship there is no honesty.
But in the end...who will I be?

thoughts in my head clouding my sight
my anxieties keeping me up at night
constantly thinking you’re not on my side
thinking that all my demons will collide

there’s something in the water i drink
i know this because i fear what i think
you tell me i’m crazy and that we’re okay
are you tired of reminding me everyday

i spin further away from my truth
i dive deeper into the pain of my youth
digging and searching for some peace
but these voices in my head don’t cease

i remember the rush the joy the ache
knowing there was something at stake
self harm my absolute longest lost friend
i hope that we never ever meet again

you made me promises you didn't plan to keep
you lied to me even when the truth was easy
you took things from me you didn't really need
you hurt me like you've done it a thousand times
you stole my heart without a second glance
you broke me like I meant nothing to you
you won me over  when I didn't believe in love

I am not a smoker
I only light up on a bad day
when everything is wrong
and nothing is going my way

I am not a smoker
I light up when things are good
when I'm happy and carefree
things going the way they should

I am not a smoker
I light up when the day is long
when I'm worn and weary
and tired of being strong

we locked eyes
I was caught staring
I couldn't help myself
not with what youre wearing
every hair
in its own place
yes, walk my way
and remove the space
kiss me
hold me close
every passing second
my attraction only grows.
I want you
I have an overwhelming desire
I guess you may be
my death by fire.

IS LONELINESS SIMILAR TO LOVELINESS?

I can tell that things have changed
no longer flirting and "i love you's"
now i feel like we're acquaintances
And all the silly promises, will never come true.

I'm not sure what changed
It feels like we miles apart
I gave you everything i had
I even gave my fragile heart

Please tell me what happened
Cause it's a mystery to me
We were so good together,
Maybe you just needed to be free.

Baby what happened to us
Where is the love we shared
Why such bitterness?
I thought you really cared.

Please, I'm begging
Love me again and stay
I promise you I'll behave
You can have it your way.

i believe that life is a blessing and a curse
because i have felt so much joy and so much pain
i think life has a way of making us fear death
because there is always so much loss and so little gain
but from what ive had and what was taken
and what i know and what i assume
there is always going to be a brighter tomorrow
so much brighter than all this gloom
and i say that with my head held high
not fearing death nor wanting it to come
but living life like its meant to be lived
for our God, our Savior, the son.

A part of me just hates you
For who you are and what you've done
But then again it's not your fault
Cause you aren't the only one

In the end I've realized
I'm just a little insane
But is that such a bad thing
When you are screaming my name?

So love me please
Or hate me more
Stay forever my dear,
Otherwise--- there's the door.

it was like you were the drug and i was the addict
every second without you i was itching for more
for your hands on my skin, lips on my lips
our secret getaways behind an always closed door
you said i was yours, and that you really cared
your lips washed away every doubt i ever had
feeling your hand on my bare skin
made my mind hazy, but it was never bad
heated hours and whispers in my ear
sneaking kisses during class, i was your secret
holding hands when no one was watching
i really loved you, but i was your pet

There is an ache in my chest
There is a hollowness in me
Waiting to be filled
Hoping someone might see

I knew a girl once
She seemed to have it all right
She smiled and she laughed
She shined an innocent light

Then life stained her soul
Life broke her heart
No one seems to notice
She had already fallen apart

She hides behind a tentative smile
She covers all the pain
Little do you know
She cries like the rain

She doesn't show her feelings
She says she's okay
She laughs to show you
She's forgotten yesterday

Yet yesterday tears her down
She cannot shake the sorrow
She can only hope for something better
She hopes for a better tomorrow

That girl i know
Yes, she is me
I hide behind fake smiles
So no one else can see

My life is falling apart
It's coming apart at the seams
But I'll manage withoutyou
Cause I've shattered my own dreams.