I never told you I loved you, when you needed it most.
You never knew my love in you & now you never will.
Is love suppose to hurt?
You'll never know the other side of me, the positive side.
Oh how I miss you.
Oh how I will never forget.
Forget the unsaid I Love You.

I love men.

They inspire me in their dominant ways.

I love the way they protect yet can sympathize.

The way you can feel there emotions through there eyes.

I love all men not just some.

I'm glad God created them.

You rid yourself of the pain...
*************
• By drowning your sorrows in alcohol.
• By burning your misery in a blunt.
• By cutting yourself.
————————————————————
But guess what?
At the end of the day you still feel empty            & lonly inside, because the temporary
relief is well temporary. So you just can't quite get rid of the feelings of pain but you can learn to live with it
               & keep on walking down your road of life where you will one day heal with time.

Sally sit & stare at the blank white wall.
Expressionless & stiff like a plastic doll.
Her blue grey eyes show no thoughts at all.

But in Sally's head is an escape route.
She dreams of a tall thin man in a fancy suit,
on there dates they have picnics with lots of fruit.
In Sally's head life is quite swell.
But in reality Sally was very ill.
She can't see the difference between real & fake.
Sally's real life is no piece of cake.
Her childhood history would make the bravest shake.
But in Sally's head she is safe,
so inside Sally's head, she will stay.
That is until she met Shay.
They became best friends through thick & thin.
Finally now Sally could truly see again.

I don't want him in that way
yet
       I
           constantly
                               think  
                                           of
                                                 him.
He rejected me once,
When I wanted him in that way.
           But now I live my life wondering why?
          Many men like me.
          I'm good looking.
          Charismatic.
I don't get it.....
   I
     treated
                    him
                             soo
                                     good.
                                                He
        ­                            acted
                           like
                        I
              was
trash.
         ­   I'm not mean.
            I apologize for my mistakes.
            I'm forgiving.
What else could he possibly need?
                          WAIT.
  Why     do     I      care     !?!?
I no longer see him in that way, yet I'll do anything to just know he likes me a little.
     I
        am
               confused....

She never had the best life.
Her brother used to always beat on her.
So at a young age she experienced the feelings of worthlessness.
As she grew up her parents taught her wrong, encouraged bad behavior, that's my girl they would say.
When puberty hit, she wasn't just that wild child anymore.
Now she was a downhill spiral.
She no longer knew self-control, or common morals.
She met drugs & "fun" friends.
Together they experienced different practices.
Few were good.
And now she walks around like she's in a rush, like a stiff, frantic, paranoid person.
You know what I'm trying to say.
A crack head.
NO!
NOO!
NOOO!
Where did that beautiful, innocent little girl go?
Why couldn't you have been strong?
Why did you have to change?
Why did you never like yourself the way you were?
Why did you give up?
I LOVED YOU!!!
You were precious!
You ruined yourself.
But the question that hurts the most, is did you overdose on purpose......?

I just can't take the emotions so strong!
     I need to get up and out before it's been too long.
Inside my chest beats a frantic bird
     And broken dreams which you never understood.
Untie my wings and let me soar! Why do you keep me down if you have nothing in store.
     Forcing me to overdose on my own emotions!
Emotions of internal suffering, high found happiness and unstoppable anger.
     Help me please, don't leave me to die, my patience is running dry, as I'm submerged in my inner feelings.
     I must act.

WAR is RAW!

War is led by satin, who is determined to destroyed everything beautiful!

Including God's beautiful people, war will destroy ALL of a person, emotionally, physically, verbally, spiritually!

But know my sister & brother time constantly continues & eventually the time for satin to hurt as he may will be up.

I wish I could pick you all up & put you up way high somewhere safe & free.

I wish to live the way we all are supposed to live.

But I know if I feel this way, surely Jehovah God does as well for he made us in his image.

I wish to console all your fears like little children.

I wish for angels to stick with you through your deepest times & wipe the tears from your hearts.

Because I well know too WAR is RAW.

Lights change from
RED BLUE YELLOW to WHITE.

Bass drums change the pace of our heart beats.

People are surrounding us like one whole mass, they are all the background, the way they dance sets the tone.

But through all this chaos I'm NOT alone.

I see a beautiful angel.

Her eyes like diamonds.
Her hair like roses.
Her smile like moonlight.

She calls my name through the crowd.

I only see her
& she only sees me.

I make way towards her, struggling through the dancing bodies.

When we meet, she takes hold of my hand.

Her skin is chilly.

Then our hands start melting like ice in someone's fist.

& suddenly were not at the Disco Party anymore.

Were indulged in light pink liquid which tastes so sweet.

Our feet are wrapped in white satin.

Our hands have become one.

& my heart is budding rapidly, it's a garden.

MY heart.

She is MY angel.

Finally I wake up to my alarm, time for work!

As I mop the bathroom floors & restock the toilet paper I think about the little angel who visited me in MY dreams & made life seem so wonderful.

We bonded for life in what felt like twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes of my like that changed how I felt about the world.

Ever since that day I moped with a smile & a twinkle in my eye.

Sometimes I like to dream while I'm awake.
I imagine silly, impossible things, like if everything had a soul & a mind.
Hmm...what would shoes say, I wonder, "get your nasty foot out of here!"
or maybe cry when we run in them.
Sometimes in class I think, would if I made life a musical, by singing everything, with a group of background dancers behind me.
When ever I get a funny idea & laugh aloud, people stop & stare & I say "just a thought."

Words cannot explain the depths of my misery that I bare inside, for all the times I did you wrong.
You are the one person who was and is ALWAYS there for me, your PERFECT in every way, I love you so hard I would die for you?
Why do I question such acts of loyalty?
I do not understand, please, I'm so mentally challenged when it comes to you.
Am I that selfish, that I won't change my life for you, put you first?
When I know by ******* you deserve so much more!
I can't stress the word deserve enough!
If all the men in this world treated you like a KING, you would still deserve more.
You changed me, saved from my own self, you showed me TRUE love.
I know I love you, but I dont know if I am good enough for you, I am lowly & this is where I feel like i'm never good enough, but it hurts me when I hurt you by not trying.
PLEASE, I LOVE YOU & even until this day I never questioned my love for you, not ONCE in my life, I swear on that.
Even when I barely knew you.
So I will try, I will fight, I will strive to keep you happy but just know I am not perfect & just know all I want is your HAPPINESS!
I did you wrong, many times before & hate myself for it, I promise!
But just know, no matter what, I will never ever hate you.
On the day I die, before it & forever after I...WILL... ALWAYS... LOVE...YOU & will never & I mean EVER, no matter if I try my absolute hardest, forget you.
I Love You & that will forever stay, just like the world's beautifulest stain you left on my heart.
I'm sorry I did you wrong & I'm sorry for anything I do wrong in the future, but I will never leave, I will indefinitely fight for you & I.

So sick of going insane, in this humid bed in this dark room,
All my mind does is turn everything back around onto the subject of you.
All my memories with you in them play through my head like show, crazy thing is when I see you tomorrow, you'll never know.
I can't sleep because I so desperately wish you were here, to hold my hand & talk to me until I fall asleep, letting me know that life can be safe. Just like you did that one night.
My heart craves for you like a growling stomach does for food.
But the part that's really killing me, is that you told me yourself, our love can never be, you love men.
It hurts so bad, this is tourture!
So every night I lay here, suffering in this hot, stuffy bed, remembering all the good times that we had, that I know will be no more, because my confession of love has made our friendship awkward.
Please I beg of you take our friendship off hold.

Blood so red, sympathy so dead.
Lion roars surging through my veins.
So sick of proclaims, heart pumping like wings of an eagle.
Step back or be trampled over.
My anger drives me like gunpowder to a bullet.
Any comments will be answered with "shove it!"
You can't stop me, unless a thousand men tied me down tight, after a huge fight.
Don't flip my switch to predator.
I will hunt you down & destroy you.
This pathetic society is no obstacle unless I let it be.
When you make me angry I will step on, walk through or climb up whatever to get to my destination.
When my anger hits, my eyes flicker to animal & I grow bigger.
As my anger leaves I feel weak, vulnerable, sympathetic & lost.
Tears so blue, how could I do this to you, wolf cries echoing through my veins, heart so small beating like a baby's eyelashes, hold me, please I'm so weak.

Like loose pages in a note book, her self-esteem falls out, leaving her with nothing but an empty shell of herself,
       as her mind dwells in a wasteland of hate & misery, she cant escape her memories, she constantly replayes to that day his hands covered the vulnerable, naked parts of her body,
         never before touched, if only she knew what her precious parts ment to him, they meant nothing, he's done this before & cares less if he's hurting her *******.
She is scared & entrusting him with her body, with her delicate purity, in wich he is tainting,
         he swaddled her up, kissed & carresed her, told her everything she needed to hear & feel for her to spread her legs & let him in to the doorway of her soul.
         He used her body for his pleasure, like a tissue for his ****,
when she cried out "no" he sternly told her "shut-up".
           Smoldering her heart from the core out, her feelings shaken, she is his for the taking, the only thing she had full control over was now shown-up, he owned her, tears leaked from her eyes, as he continuously pounded her body, sending sharp pains up her spine, rubbing in her face she was worthless & this man could do whatever he wanted to her, as she watched & could not do a thing about it,
      she shook with cries as she so desperately wanted him out, but he wouldnt go, no this was HIS show, she had no control over her own body,
          when he was done he left her with a horrid experience, in which she'll never forget.
       Her heart had a hole just like the empty gap now between her legs & insides, where he had been,
           her confidence was destroyed, her ******* so fragile & not even completly formed were used & abused & her birthmark near he belly button, in which her mother adored only reminded her of   when she was once so innocent & pure, filling her with guilt.
         She wished nothing more than to be that way again, she would do ANYTHING.
Now she walks around with a flicker of mistrust behind her eyes & a foreign body that not hers.
         She'll never tell a soul because whats done is done & she never wants to relive that night.
        That night her world fell like loose pages in a note book.

No matter how hard I try I will never be good enough.
- Never perfect enough.
- Never satisfying enough.
- Never proud enough.
Were all sad clowns inside because deep down we all know;
- We cant fly.
- We cant catch butterflies on our fingers.
- We cant touch a cloud or visit the sun.
Were never good enough.
Were all broken inside with hardly enough love to eat, yet alone give, but we try & we make the best of it & we do manage, but when will we be good enough?
When will we be pleased with ourselves?
When will I not hate myself deep inside for never being good enough?

Your like a leech on my soul, draining my brain, leaving it to evaporate through my skull.
You made my heart turn cold, you made me emotionless, like you stole my soul.
Now I feel nothing, i'm rotting from my bones.
I lost everything I am, you murdered me, but the part that hurts, is the fact that you feel NOTHING as you watch me bleed.
"Where do I go?" "How do I get out when you became part of me?"
There is no escape.
You infest me with your dark, ******* out my spirit, leaving me as an empty monster just like you.
"Where did my old thoughts go?"
"Where is my love for life?"
"Where did my relationship with God go?"
You extracted everything from me, i'm nothing now.
Youtook everything from me, I hate you, I never agreed to drown with you.
I'd do anything to have myself back, have my emotions, my feelings, my love, everything I am.